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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Not cooking nice meals for DSC anymore

110 replies

Juggle42 · 07/04/2022 09:43

I probably am being unreasonable but I'm so fed up of this situation.

My SC is 10 and is so fussy still with what they eat. Just to confirm there are no SEN issues. But his parents are not strict at all with food and getting him to try things and so if something isn't beige and bland he'll moan and turn his nose up.

I tend to do 99% of the cooking in our home and I try to make a variety of things. I'm not suggesting he has to like everything but it's literally a case of if it's not chicken nuggets or pizza then he'll have a face on him like a slapped arse and complain the entire time, pick out everything he doesn't 'like' which is essentially anything remotely healthy.

I'm so sick of spending time cooking nice meals just to have to silently seethe the entire meal time about his whinging and the wasted food too.

I'm seriously considering just doing him chicken nuggets and chips in the oven every night whilst we eat what I cook in peace because it's making me resent cooking for him.

There are other DC who seem to manage fine eating what I cook.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 07/04/2022 09:50

Why do you have to do all the cooking? Does this child live with you all the time? What about their biological parent cooking for them now and again?
Honestly I wouldn’t be cooking beige food in my house, I would do healthy varied meals with new recipes thrown in now and again, and the kids could like it or lump it. That’s how it is in our house.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 09:51

Personally I would just continue to cook normally, but tune out his complaints. Sit in a different room if you have to. I understand how frustrating it is and it used to wind me up a lot too but if you're cooking him a seperate meal you're pandering to his behaviour and setting a bad example to the other children.

The other alternative is to stop cooking and get their dad/mum to do it!

AlisonDonut · 07/04/2022 09:53

My SD would only eat beige food. Apart from brocolli. So rice, brocolli and nuggets. Week after week. Drove me mad.

She is now a sous chef and has to taste everything in the restaurant.

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 07/04/2022 10:01

10 year old? Make him cook (just once a week, he picks but he has to do the work, you or dad supervise closely. He might find some enthusiasm for some new things - I suggest build your own pizzas as a starting recipe.

gingerhills · 07/04/2022 10:17

I would cook normally. I'd also reassure him: it's OK - you don't have to like everything you eat. Some things you eat for your health. If you want string bones eat dairy, if you want brain power eat fish, to stay well and not get severe colds you need fresh stuff. As long as they donb;t make you gag, just eat small amounts of them.' Talk to him calmly as if he were an adult. I did this with my ASD son when he was about that age and he did start eating tiny amounts of things for the health benefits, then eventually moved on to full portions.

Don't make a deal of it, but don't pander to his narrow taste buds if he has no SEN. Turn it into a discussion where it's clear you care about him being healthy. Tell him the info that's relevant about food and health and tell him you trust him to act on it when he feels ready.

familyissues12345 · 07/04/2022 10:19

@Thewheelsfalloffthebus

10 year old? Make him cook (just once a week, he picks but he has to do the work, you or dad supervise closely. He might find some enthusiasm for some new things - I suggest build your own pizzas as a starting recipe.
That's a great idea
CornishGem1975 · 07/04/2022 10:24

My DSC are really fussy. I circumnavigate this situation by making my DH prepare all their meals. I cook for us and my DC.

Original poster
Juggle42 · 07/04/2022 11:25

We've tried all the speeches about healthy eating etc..

I appreciate it would be pandering but honestly it's more just about me not wanting to listen to the moaning anymore. If what it takes for me not to have to listen to it anymore is bunging some crap in the oven then fine.

And no, I'm past caring if he's healthy or not to be perfectly honest.

I cook because I'm at home most, DH usually isn't home until around tea time.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 11:36

I'd be tempted to eat later and let DH cook.

Nnique · 07/04/2022 11:49

I think I’d set up an agreement with him - he must taste all dinners. That’s only polite. Then he doesn’t get to whinge at all - that’s rude and extremely ungrateful/disrespectful to the cook. But he’s allowed a choice of one of three other things instead - so he can either make himself beans on toast, or a cheese sandwich or maybe a simple cooked breakfast with a piece of toast (or comparable meals that he likes and can learn to make for himself). As long as he’s tried the main meal and nicely said thank you for cooking but I’d prefer to have cheese on toast (or whatever) then it’s fine. This works well because you set the perimeters, which is important because a child should not be dictating what happens. Secondly, it puts the responsibility on him to provide something else for himself (and it’s also good because it promotes independence, and he will likely feel more in control of his own food which sometimes helps with food issues), it means you don’t have to cook him something else and you’re not pandering to his fussiness every night which will likely exacerbate it. As long as he eats something that’s fairly nutritious he’ll be okay in dietary terms. Especially if there are a few vegetables or fruits he will eat which you can also get him to prepare for himself.

ihavespoken · 07/04/2022 11:52

Just give him oven beige food and enjoy cooking and eating what you like Flowers

DSGR · 07/04/2022 11:58

@Nnique

I think I’d set up an agreement with him - he must taste all dinners. That’s only polite. Then he doesn’t get to whinge at all - that’s rude and extremely ungrateful/disrespectful to the cook. But he’s allowed a choice of one of three other things instead - so he can either make himself beans on toast, or a cheese sandwich or maybe a simple cooked breakfast with a piece of toast (or comparable meals that he likes and can learn to make for himself). As long as he’s tried the main meal and nicely said thank you for cooking but I’d prefer to have cheese on toast (or whatever) then it’s fine. This works well because you set the perimeters, which is important because a child should not be dictating what happens. Secondly, it puts the responsibility on him to provide something else for himself (and it’s also good because it promotes independence, and he will likely feel more in control of his own food which sometimes helps with food issues), it means you don’t have to cook him something else and you’re not pandering to his fussiness every night which will likely exacerbate it. As long as he eats something that’s fairly nutritious he’ll be okay in dietary terms. Especially if there are a few vegetables or fruits he will eat which you can also get him to prepare for himself.
This is brilliant advice
greenlynx · 07/04/2022 11:59

To be honest if his moaning affects you and spoils the dinner atmosphere for everyone I would put nuggets and chips in the oven and wouldn’t care. The problem is how this pandering will affect other DC.
If not who cares. I can see why you don’t want fighting for his healthy diet but it’s more about rules of the house.
What his parent think about it? Could you have at least one thing he would eat? He can’t go starving.

LastInTheQueue · 07/04/2022 12:06

We have the same issue. 12 yr old who will only eat quorn nuggets, chips, ham and cheese wraps, pizza (just cheese), and the odd bit of cucumber or carrot.
I will cook for myself, DH and DSD, but leave his meals entirely up to DH to sort out.
He’s welcome to eat what we eat, but refuses, so I don’t get involved.

The only time I get involved is when his limited diet impacts me, like if we’re going out for dinner. I don’t care if there is nothing on the menu he doesn’t like - the rest of us aren’t going to be denied a nice meal out because him. He can sit there and eat a bowl of chips if he wants.

Lorw · 07/04/2022 12:07

OP, I’m the same, I have the pickiest SC, all with different tastes so I make 4 different meals every meal time as there’s nothing they will all eat, there’s some SEN involved so it’s not like I can say I’m not doing it, I do the meal planning/cooking.

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 12:08

@Lorw

OP, I’m the same, I have the pickiest SC, all with different tastes so I make 4 different meals every meal time as there’s nothing they will all eat, there’s some SEN involved so it’s not like I can say I’m not doing it, I do the meal planning/cooking.
Wow, you're a saint to put up with that.
LindaEllen · 07/04/2022 12:16

Get DH to do it. You shouldn't be under this amount of stress over his child. It's important to be caring and nurturing to your DSCs but there's also the beauty in the fact that - actually - the main responsibility falls to their dad.

I stopped cooking for my teenage stepson (17 at the time) because I'd dish his meal up, shout him to come down, he'd come down ages later after he'd finished his game, literally shovel it down his throat, and run (no exaggeration) back upstairs to his game. I told him he was old enough to make his own food, and if he didn't want to be involved with family mealtimes he could do that.

He basically lives off ready meals and microwave rice now but fuck it, he's old enough.

angelsandinsects · 07/04/2022 12:19

My DC2 is 9 and we've just had a lovely week as I've cooked beige food/pasta for him whilst DH, DC1 and I have enjoyed Thai green chicken curry, a stir fry and a salmon tray bake. We've got to eat healthy, tasty meals and, actually, so has he as, for example, when we had chicken curry he just had rice and cold chicken with some veg on the side. It took me minutes longer to prepare but we all got to sit down together and chat rather than have a meal punctuated with moaning and arguments. Otherwise, I tend to aim for family meals which have the lowest common denominator and we end up eating the same four or so meals all of the time.
It may be pandering but, after 9 years, I think I need to accept that he's got limited tastes. Actually, if he'd been born in the 50s I'm not sure anyone would have noticed he has limited tastes as he's quite happy with something like chops, mash and a veg or two. He can always try what we're having if he wants.
I also remind myself of one particular ex boyfriend who kept trying to persuade me to eat really rare steak and a couple of other things that, apparently, I'd grow to love if only I ate them more often. As an adult, I was allowed to say no and end the relationship. I think I should allow DC2 the same choice.

Original poster
Juggle42 · 07/04/2022 12:23

In theory the idea of offering him alternatives he can make himself if he doesn't like the main meal sounds good but the waste of food (because I'm confident 9 times out of 10 he'd say he didn't like it). Makes me not want to do that.

So I dish him up a full portion in case he decides he likes it and then what? Throw it away if he decides he wants a cheese sandwich instead after one bite?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2022 12:27

@Juggle42

In theory the idea of offering him alternatives he can make himself if he doesn't like the main meal sounds good but the waste of food (because I'm confident 9 times out of 10 he'd say he didn't like it). Makes me not want to do that.

So I dish him up a full portion in case he decides he likes it and then what? Throw it away if he decides he wants a cheese sandwich instead after one bite?

Couldn't you just get him to try a bit without dishing up a portion?
AntarcticTern · 07/04/2022 12:27

I think your approach of giving him chicken nuggets every night is absolutely fine. I don't think it's your responsibility to make sure he eats a healthy balanced diet if his parents don't bother. It's probably not what I'd do myself (I'd take the approach of carrying on as you are and ignoring the whingeing) but I think your plan sounds ok too.

Mossstitch · 07/04/2022 12:32

I'd suggest putting everything out on the table and letting him help himself to what he wants, if doesn't like it he can make himself something he likes...... Cheese toasties always worked for my fussy eaters and easy to do 👍

Nnique · 07/04/2022 12:35

No, keep it and someone else can have it for lunch the next day. Or just cook a tiny bit extra. That way nothing is wasted. It can just go on someone else’s plate. If he likes it he can say I like that, please could you cook enough for me next time. Or something like that.

Or skip the tasting thing and make the agreement that it’s fine for him to have what he wants as long as it’s from a choice of 5 (or whatever) meals that he can cook for himself (or learn to cook). Beans on toast, cooked breakfast, pasta with stir-in sauce, pizza, nuggets and chips. He has to have veg with each meal, even if it’s the same one every time.

What you’re trying to avoid is for it to become a power play, a drama of any kind, or anxiety/stress for you and him around foods and eating. But also that he’s not dictating how things are going to be, you’re offering him a solution that sets out expectations and doesn’t give you too much (any!) extra work or irritation.

I mean you could just do beige food for him every night too, of course. That might certainly be the easier option for you right now. But by letting him be in charge of his own food and of the work in making it you’re working toward a better set-up in future.

Nnique · 07/04/2022 12:37

Or as others have said, dish up and let him pick a little of what he would like to try and then have something else. Whatever seems feasible, workable and no extra stress for you!

OutingHobby · 07/04/2022 12:39

What does DH think? I know you said he can't help with the cooking but he could whack a toastie together for his child. Or ask him if he's happy for you to just whack nuggets and chips in the oven every night. Up to him but no, I'd stop cooking for him.