Teenage stepdaughter out to ruin the family

[jj12345jj]

I have a 13 ur old SD who when she wasn't seeing her biological mum was very attached to me and I had a good relationship with, she's always been somewhat a handful but nothing that I felt was detrimental to myself or this family. After the birth of our own daughter who is now nearly one, my SD became very jealous, she is very attention seeking and although has love for her half sister, she plays up all the time when she's not getting what she wants. (I do my best to show equal love where possible, and spend quality time with both children, as want them to both feel loved and cared for.)
Recently my SD started seeing her biological mum who is now expecting also, and prior she hated her massively, and now suddenly their relationship is all sunshine and roses and although I'm happy for her that she has that back, she's been a nightmare at home treating me like a piece of dirt on her shoe, swearing, slamming doors, won't go to her room, won't listen, won't respect any rules or anything I say.
Her dad is emotionally entangled with her and hates to lay down the law and sometimes he backs me up but sometimes he supports her which sends her mixed messages. I've done everything I can to explain how I feel and my partner just doesn't see how badly I'm hurting from the constant abuse from his daughter towards me. I love my partner and worry our daughter whose one will start to copy what she's seeing and if that was the case I'd leave.
I want my step daughter to have a good relationship with both her families, all I've done is care and be there for her and she's so nasty and rude it's making every day a living hell. Any other step mums with similar experiences I'd love to know how you all coped and made it through as a family: doing my best to not run for the hills as love my partner and don't want my little girl to loose out on her family with her dad and sister but this is getting unbearable

Your DH needs to step up, and quickly. His behaviour as an adult is excused. He has work, he's getting there, she's manipulating him, he's steadily improving.

Whereas his troubled teenager is described as manipulative and trying to ruin the family.

Why is there more onus on a child than on her parent. Why are you in the position of being the one who to fix everything? Her dad should be doing all this, he is the one trying to ruin the family. He decided to have another child and is still abdicating his responsibilities.

What do you honestly think is the likelihood of things going well with mum? And who do you think will take the brunt of it?

You and DSD will pay the price, all while he is busy doing very important man things. Your husband needs to put his entire family first and stop making you feel responsible, you sound like an amazing step mum and he should be grateful for your support.

She's being awful to you because she knows up won't disappear, unlike her bio mum. Try to ignore the shitty behaviour, she's probably feeling a bit put out by the new arrivals plus the usual teenage angst and hormones flying around. You sound like a lovely stepmum

Thank you I am trying. But finding it hard my partner doesn't realise how bad she is being sometimes and I think now he's starting to realise it's bad and needs sorting out

She may be acting this way to test you - to see how far she can push you and how nasty she can be and will you snap. She might be feeling lost and confused and trying to test you in a way ?

Sounds like a lot of change for her and new siblings so she’s possibly feeling displaced.

Also in general teenagers can just sometimes be horrible for no reason ! I was and my dds all were and then didn’t mean it it was just testing boundaries

I know it’s hard but I would suggest trying to be really patient and being consistent and kind. Maybe some 1-1 time ?
X

I haven't read the thread. Teenage girls are really difficult. I think you need to prepare yourself better. This book - Get Out of My Life but First Take Me and Alex into Town is fantastic and really helped me, with my own, male, child. It's difficult going through your child's teenage years for the first time, in your case aggravated by a very complex history and circumstances. You need at least to wise up and prepare on what teenage girls are like. It always comes as a shock. When you are prepped to understand teenagers and change your behaviour and expectations, then you can see if there is anything on top of it, trauma, step-children, baby-siblings related that should be addressed.

We had a break through tonight! Grandma came to take my SD out for a talk and my mother in law has seemed to do something because my step daughters come back, wanted to actually go to the local shop with me (which is rare) chatted to me all the way down and was actually happy and engaged and told me sorry. Whether it's just tonight or not who knows but was a nice moment and hopefully we can carry on

@jj12345jj

We had a break through tonight! Grandma came to take my SD out for a talk and my mother in law has seemed to do something because my step daughters come back, wanted to actually go to the local shop with me (which is rare) chatted to me all the way down and was actually happy and engaged and told me sorry. Whether it's just tonight or not who knows but was a nice moment and hopefully we can carry on

This really made me smile . Long may that continue!

I work with young people and agree with advice that this may not entirely be down to you being a step mum. She's actually treating you more like her mum and her mum like a friend by the sounds of it. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it may actually be a sign of your close bond that she lashes out at you in particular.

That said, she clearly can't be allowed to get away with poor behaviour and it sounds as if you're all working on it.

Agree to prepare by reading more about teens as preparation!

I really hope so. I think I'd cry tears of happiness if she turned around as an adult and said she felt loved and cared for as is what I so want her to feel. Tbh just having a chat tonight and getting take out because we lost track of time wss so nice. She's now being a little more off with her dad tonight which is odd but I am just enjoying having her company and having her in a semi decent mood. It's made my month!

I'm glad to see a good update,@jj12345jj but I have to ask this-did you ever just come out and ask her "Why are you acting like this?" "What's wrong?" "I'm really struggling with your rudeness tonight is there something going on you want to talk about?" I think I would tell your pitiful excuse for a partner you aren't her emotional punching bag.

I've always asked her and always spoken to her and always told me she can talk to me about anything and I wouldn't be angry id listen. I can't force a child to talk though, sometimes I have to let her have some space.
I think it all came to a bit of a head last night she's started opening up this morning before school, only slightly but it's a start.

I told him last night he was spineless when we had a moment to ourselves and to man up for the record. I do know it's hard for him so that's why I slightly defend him because everyone this side is hurting in some compacity. But I have been blunt and told him last night to pull his socks up

I just wanted to say that I think you are doing the best you can in what is clearly a challenging time for your SD. I totally agree with the PPs who have said that some of this is normal teenage behaviour and that she is pushing boundaries because she feels safe with you. That, of course, doesn't mean that there shouldn't be any consequences for bad behaviour but I think it helps to know that it's not personal. My DD was awful at 13 and put herself into a life threatening situation as a result. Honestly, I cried almost daily feeling such a failure. She had a very fractured relationship with her dad (abusive and we left when she was 14) and I totally understand your upset about her waxing lyrically about her mum now as I had the same. Just remember that children are hard wired to love their parents and where that love is fragile they will cling on to it desperately.

You've already had some good advice about picking your battles etc. I stopped punishing at around that age but worked with "cause and effect" instead so for example, her pocket money was linked to following the house rules (fairly basic ones) and every day she broke a rule she lost 1/7th of her pocket money. I also made her earn any extra money she wanted for things like cinema trips. She washed a car, hoovered the house, mowed the lawn etc. This went down like a lead balloon initially but her drive to want to do things with friends won and she would reluctantly do the work. I'd sometimes join in to help her with the chore as it was an opportunity to chat and spend time together.

Would she go out for a meal with you every so often? My DD loved pizza express so once a month or so we'd go and she would natter on about friends etc and often we would end up having some really good conversations. I used to do the same with my DS - he was never one for talking but when I took him to the cinema or even just out for the odd walk he would start opening up. Something about being in a neutral location (and for him no eye contact).

They do come out of this phase (DD is 18 now and an amazing young woman), just keep reminding yourself of that and try not to take it personally. Well done for being such a brilliant step mum. I have a SD who is 11 and feel somewhat trepidatious about the next few years!