Teenage stepdaughter out to ruin the family

[jj12345jj]

I have a 13 ur old SD who when she wasn't seeing her biological mum was very attached to me and I had a good relationship with, she's always been somewhat a handful but nothing that I felt was detrimental to myself or this family. After the birth of our own daughter who is now nearly one, my SD became very jealous, she is very attention seeking and although has love for her half sister, she plays up all the time when she's not getting what she wants. (I do my best to show equal love where possible, and spend quality time with both children, as want them to both feel loved and cared for.)
Recently my SD started seeing her biological mum who is now expecting also, and prior she hated her massively, and now suddenly their relationship is all sunshine and roses and although I'm happy for her that she has that back, she's been a nightmare at home treating me like a piece of dirt on her shoe, swearing, slamming doors, won't go to her room, won't listen, won't respect any rules or anything I say.
Her dad is emotionally entangled with her and hates to lay down the law and sometimes he backs me up but sometimes he supports her which sends her mixed messages. I've done everything I can to explain how I feel and my partner just doesn't see how badly I'm hurting from the constant abuse from his daughter towards me. I love my partner and worry our daughter whose one will start to copy what she's seeing and if that was the case I'd leave.
I want my step daughter to have a good relationship with both her families, all I've done is care and be there for her and she's so nasty and rude it's making every day a living hell. Any other step mums with similar experiences I'd love to know how you all coped and made it through as a family: doing my best to not run for the hills as love my partner and don't want my little girl to loose out on her family with her dad and sister but this is getting unbearable

Hi OP

Are there any other family members that could help out? Perhaps someone she can connect with? So that she sees she’s part of a larger family and she fits as an important piece of the family puzzle.
It would also perhaps take some stress off your shoulders, enough to recharge. It’s one thing to deal with an angry teen when you have a clear head, it’s quite another if you are run down by it all and have lost the will.
Something like having dinner after school at an aunts or grans house? Or maybe a friend of the family?
Remember it takes a village OP

The problem is although it's not been easy when I have my little girl my SD was so excited and for the first 11 months has been a great big sister and she loves it to the point she was asking for me to have another baby!
Yeh there was some jealousy but I tried to spread my time evenly and it eventually wasn't an issue. It's only since she's started having contact and seeing her mum again that the issues have gotten bad and she doesn't want anything to do with any of her family this end anymore. Which I do find sad.
Her mum basically chucked her out when she wanted to initially leave and stopped her brother from seeing his dad regularly because she was angry and hurt and it was awful for my SD my partner and myself and their brother.
It's hard to explain the ins and outs of all of it. Mediation helped to get her brother with us every other weekend. He is happy and we see him on holidays more and go and support his activities like football. It's not ideal but it's something and we are fighting to see him as much as possible.

She probably can’t articulate this but I’d put money on her feeling rather insecure with mum, after all she pretty much kicked her out, and because she knows that she is safe with you that’s where she is lashing out.

Part of her is probably testing you to try and force you to push her away like her Mum did. Almost like wanting to get it over and done with.

All you can do is be consistent, show her love but set very firm boundaries. I love you but I won’t be spoken to that way etc.

Yeh I agree. That's what I am trying to do to the best of my ability. It is hard though! I'll be grey soon haha. Do love all the children and want to have happy kids

@jj12345jj I grew up in a blended family and my god my mum (my dearest sister step mum gave her hell) Even as a child watching I was like "wow" but my mum used to say to me you gotta love teenagers harder than they hate themselves and they always hate themselves in some form or another. They always come around. They get on great now and even my sister apologised for being awful a few years ago (my mum said you weren't awful and that produced a cackle from all of us because she was and she broke two doors)but genuinely think my mum meant it sincerely. My step sister also had a similar interesting relationship with her own mum. That played a part.

As a SM to a teenage daughter - god do those words echo around my head when the doors slam. There's a lot of slamming here.

I try to take it as a compliment. But I have also seen this come right, so it's probably easier.

Keep being kind, have firm boundaries and also not letting any annoyance show, smile when she's trying to get a reaction. She wants you to be cross, don't be.

I smile when my SD says I hate everything, usually respond with "but as much as you hate everything and probably everyone right now we love you and there's nothing you can do that would make that stop." That's usually met with a door slam. She dislikes it when I say that but I think it's because she had no response.

Over and over and over I say this and of late I can see it's getting through so she's kinda simmered down a bit (until the next time I'm sure)

Children push boundaries with people they feel safe with. Teenagers tend to come in various shades of narcism, most of not all come right with the right approach.

You have DP problem in my eyes (sorry not what you wanted to hear) as teenagers need boundaries to feel safe. I would explain that without healthy boundaries your SC might escalate and he may be a grandad soon. That usually scares most men into action.

This isn't a step issue this is a teenagers age you by 100 years and you may need to reenforce doors until the hormones have passed

Thank you for the comment above that really struck a cord and I do agree. Stuff boundaries, knowing she's loved and trying to ignore the small stuff and keep level headed. I want her to grow up feeling safe and secure here. My partner is trying but it's a work in process old habits are hard to break but he's trying!
I've never experienced a blended family so I have ti be honest this has kind of shocked me. My family was very stable and mum and dad are still together now going strong. I couldn't imagine the hurt my SD feels and I hope one day she is able to realise that although I can't take away her hurt im there and willing to do what I can. I do worry for my little daughter as the behaviour my SD does does scare her and she's only little. Hopefully with time things will get easier for all of us. Thank you for sharing your experience

Strict boundaires* not stuff boundaries 😫

Did the mum try really hard to see her daughter but her daughter refuse? Only there's only so much the mum can do about that as I had a friend experience something similar. I'm just trying to get an idea of whether the mum couldn't cope or whether she maybe tried to call her bluff that day she sent her to school with her bags thinking she'll be back?

She’s 13 and dealing with reconnecting with her estranged mum who didn’t fight to see her for two years, a new sibling that is your biological child (I’m sure you’re trying to show her that this doesn’t change your feelings, but it would be natural for her to worry about her place in the family), and the imminent arrival of another half sibling from her mum? I’d be surprised if she wasn’t acting out.

I think she probably needs more support than you and her parents can give her, is therapy an option?

In the meantime, I’d go with firm, calm boundaries, but with a lot of love bombing too. She needs to know you and her dad love her regardless of her behaviour, as tough as this might be .

I do think her mum thought she wouldn't want to move in and that she was calling her bluff initially but because her mum is very stubborn when my SD came to us we encouraged her to go back it to meet her mum to sort out whatever had happened between them but at the time her mum refused and basically said you made your bed lie in it type of thing, and my SD equally as stubborn but yet a child had no intention of wanting to go back or meet her mum either. About 2months after her mum tried to meet her to start seeing her here and there but my step daughter blatantly refused and got so upset and problem was we couldn't just force it and when her mum found out she was so upset about the idea of seeing her she said not to meet and give it more time. A few months pasted and after some mediation my SD went down over the Xmas holidays to spend some time with her mum and brother and Step dad, though we did have to force it and it was horrible to see how upset and what a state she had gotten herself into,
She came back very upset saying all they did was mouth us off and she felt she had to defend us the entire time and that the stuff they said was really horrible and hurt her.
Apparently according to her mum on an email her behaviour was awful and her mum said unless she wants to be there she doesn't want her in her home behaving like that, as won't tolerate it in her home. But what my SD took from that was 'I don't want you here' and it hurt her.
Her mum made efforts here and there to chat or see her but after that my SD was done.
She's literally so exhausting though and this behaviour is daily and it's scaring my little one and I feel like I have no way of reigning her behaviour in

She's only just started seeing her mum a month ago and she's been now loving which we're all delighted for her but her massive teen in behaviour is ringing alarm bells for our family as it's every day and relentless. Doing all I can to show her she's loved but this is so difficult

Why on earth at 11 years old was she supported to move out on a whim and cut all contact with her mum??

You haven’t mentioned dad very much. Is he as spineless as I am Imagining?

You have one very traumatised kid on your hands. You need a very good child psychologist to help you all.

Good luck

Children need clearly set boundaries and expectations and unconstitutional love.

When your SD moved out 2 years ago all of that was completely negated and the adults she trusted really let her down. It will take a lot of time to mend this. Her trust and attachments will be in shreds.

@Ragwort

Honestly, a lot of these 'stepchild' issues are not necessarily due to being a stepchild but due to being a teenager - the early teen years can be awful, for everyone concerned. My DS was an absolute pain between 13-16 ... thankfully we got through it and he now a pleasant and charming young man, but I would never go back to those years.

Absolutely agree!

Dad isn't spineless but isn't good at disapline. Mum kicked her out and didn't want her back we had no choice but to take her in. We tried to get her mum to resolve things with our SD it's the mum whose poisonous and told us to collect my SD and she didn't want her there like that. We could hardly turn our back on an 11yr old that's mum basically just said go and don't come back

@jj12345jj

Dad isn't spineless but isn't good at disapline. Mum kicked her out and didn't want her back we had no choice but to take her in. We tried to get her mum to resolve things with our SD it's the mum whose poisonous and told us to collect my SD and she didn't want her there like that. We could hardly turn our back on an 11yr old that's mum basically just said go and don't come back

OP, why do you not feel at all irked by the fact that their dad is "bad at discipline" yet you're the one taking the brunt of it all? You seem to be giving him a free pass.

I'm not, I am taking the brunt for sure and mega upset with it tbh, but I also know he's found disapline hard and is trying but old habits are hard to break but it's definitely a work in progress to what it was. My SD is good at mulipulating her dad and sometimes he doesn't realise what's actually going on at the time. He's now starting to see it better

I'm being a bit flippant here, but I'm getting quite a bit of amusement with people's phone translations:

• unconstitutional love ?????

• mulipulating. I know exactly what you mean Stubborn as a mule, and simultaneously twisting folk round their little finger!

Literally!! 🙌

@Bunce1

Why on earth at 11 years old was she supported to move out on a whim and cut all contact with her mum??

You haven’t mentioned dad very much. Is he as spineless as I am Imagining?

You have one very traumatised kid on your hands. You need a very good child psychologist to help you all.

Good luck

Sure OP DH doesn't sound like a peach and is letting DSC in the regard of not enforcing boundaries discipline and not shielding OP and their child from the emotions but you cannot frog march a teenager to see their mother. Especially if there's hints of the mums new partner being unkind unstable ?!?

Can you imagine the situation reversed - plenty of people would be saying you can't force contact with the dad ect not slamming OPs DH for not forcing the child and mother to talk. OP hasn't, by any accounts sounds like she's failed her DSC. Mum and dad sure but frankly not in the way you describe. Op isn't responsible for fixing other peoples damage, although she's clearly trying

Op - I agree with sofa tbh, this isn't really a step problem but a DH problem. Your problem would feel lost less difficult if DH would start enforcing boundaries at home too. Sadly you can't control mums relationship or what happens with DSC. You should be able to control what goes down in your house though... and if you feel like you can't. You need to think about why not and who is stopping it. They are a big part in this problem tbh

She has just hit her teens and both parents have moved on and started new families. You don't need to be a therapist to work this one out

You don't need to be a therapist to work this one out

No - you just need some to line up in a queue - one for each member of the family! (And this time I am not joking).

I'm honestly doing what I can. We are having surrounding family step in now to try and help and see what's going on.
I care with all my heart but this is draining and I'm like many of you said not able to fight this battle myself. I've told my other half he needs to sort this stuff out and support me also. I am hoping this improve im just a mum and step mum that is hurt watching her family in turmoil all the time. Hard not to be emotional because I actually care so much. Hard to express my feelings behind a message but if any other step mums have been through something simmliar I'd love to know what helped them and their step child to get over such difficulties

My youngest son had quite a bit of trauma in his childhood. His early teen years weren’t exactly difficult - he’s stubborn, but compliant and polite outside the house (too quiet if anything), but my god he was really rude and angry with us, me in particular. I just took to saying ‘okay my sweet angel’ every time he was really rude to me. It highlighted the rudeness, gave him nothing to fight against, reduced the arguments. He’s lovely again now at 17 and has been for at least 6 months.

I could have had a fight about every rude comment but felt that probably wouldn’t get us very far and I could make my point in a different way.

Not necessarily saying this is an approach for you, but you are caring for a child who has had a lot of change in her life and has messed up family relationships. If you can find a non-confrontational way to deal with the rudeness it might support your relationship - She may even be trying to pick a fight with you so she has an outlet for her anger. I suspect that is what my son was doing.

Thank you I will bare that in mind. 💕 it's so hard