Teenage stepdaughter out to ruin the family

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I have a 13 ur old SD who when she wasn't seeing her biological mum was very attached to me and I had a good relationship with, she's always been somewhat a handful but nothing that I felt was detrimental to myself or this family. After the birth of our own daughter who is now nearly one, my SD became very jealous, she is very attention seeking and although has love for her half sister, she plays up all the time when she's not getting what she wants. (I do my best to show equal love where possible, and spend quality time with both children, as want them to both feel loved and cared for.)
Recently my SD started seeing her biological mum who is now expecting also, and prior she hated her massively, and now suddenly their relationship is all sunshine and roses and although I'm happy for her that she has that back, she's been a nightmare at home treating me like a piece of dirt on her shoe, swearing, slamming doors, won't go to her room, won't listen, won't respect any rules or anything I say.
Her dad is emotionally entangled with her and hates to lay down the law and sometimes he backs me up but sometimes he supports her which sends her mixed messages. I've done everything I can to explain how I feel and my partner just doesn't see how badly I'm hurting from the constant abuse from his daughter towards me. I love my partner and worry our daughter whose one will start to copy what she's seeing and if that was the case I'd leave.
I want my step daughter to have a good relationship with both her families, all I've done is care and be there for her and she's so nasty and rude it's making every day a living hell. Any other step mums with similar experiences I'd love to know how you all coped and made it through as a family: doing my best to not run for the hills as love my partner and don't want my little girl to loose out on her family with her dad and sister but this is getting unbearable

Your dh needs to get involved, it is his child.

This should not all be on you. Take a step back, be kind but firm when you need to. Demanding respect is likely to backfire at this age. Just remind her we don't do x,y and x sd and keep being kind.

She needs much more guidance from your dh, he sounds pretty useless. It was always going to be tricky with stepchildren as you hit the teenage years, you must have been expecting it. It is rocky and draining, I have teens and it is exhausting, but that is normal and natural, and she will grow into a lovely young woman that will remember this period, so keep that in mind. It sounds hard for all concerned.

If she has stopped wanting to join you for days out, go without her after asking twice, let her fester in her room if that is her idea of a good time, she will soon get bored. Your dh needs to put some rules in around screen time though and keep to them, it is not good to give any child unlimited screen use. I am sure once screen time has run out she magically becomes more interested in other things!

Good luck.

I think this sounds really really hard. To me though if you were trying really really hard to make your mum love you and be on your best behaviour with her it would be bound to give way when you got somewhere more comfortable. I'm not saying you should have to put up with it just that it's completely natural behaviour - but yes very hard on you. My instinct would be to keep going with her (and honestly to expect her mum to lose interest again at some point) because you could make such a huge difference to this kid's future security and therefore life, but I'm also not living it as you are and I don't know how much of what I'm saying is what women are conditioned to feel. The alternative is leaving your H because he can't abandon his daughter.

Yes your H needs to step up & make a plan about how you're both dealing with this; it can't be all down to you. If he knew what the stakes are it might have a difference.

I have no intention of running away from it (though the though crosses my mind when it gets to much) I care so much about everyone in my family and I just feel hurt I guess and want to do my best and see my SD happy here again. It's hard to get across via a message how I feel properly but I've been there for her through some really tough times and Will contains to stick by her as much as possible, I do have to concider how my younger daughter could be affected if it doesn't change in the future as they both deserve as stable loving home and not one full of angst and swearing and goading.
I hope in time she will realise that my love is genuine and I am there for her completely and I hope she can find a happy balance in both her families.
I wouldn't wish this on any family as it's so tough, from someone with no experience of a blended family prior, it's so incredibly hard and yes rewarding too, but unfortunately atm we are at the incredibly hard stage

It's a parenting issue why is she allowed to just pick and choose when she moves house? Thats giving a child far too much power and control over a situation they are the parents allegedly adults they need to step in and parent and ADULT

You really need to have a conversation with your husband either he has your back or he has "contact" with his other child because your gone

Definitely I need more support. Hard because SD is playing her dad and me off and also her biological mum and dad off, and because the adults don't get along (we've tried on our side) it gives room for her to play us all up as it suits her. My personal opinion is that her behaviour is all attention based but problem is I can't give her all my attention it's just not normal or feasible, I try and evenly spread my attention and try and reward the good behaviour not the bad. My partner isn't around a lot for his job so I am like her sole career which is why it's so hard when she has no respect.
She shouldn't be able to just flick between house holds as it suits her but I do think that she's doing her best to stir the pot.
she apparently wants to stay with us anyway but her behaviour really does not reflect it, I couldn't help wonder if she thinks she acts out whether that's her way of trying to go back and live with her mum.
So many assumptions which I suppose I probably won't get to the bottom of. All I can do is try and be there and I've told my partner he needs to step up and give me the support I need so I can do my bit

Out to ruin the family is very extreme OP.

If you oh read the thread you'd see that's her choice of words that I used for the title of the thread.

I know you're trying to be all sunshine and light and treat this situation like it's just normal blended family fodder OP but your partner working away a lot leaving you as the main carer and then undermining you when he's around is seriously not on. You should not be in the position of being her main carer at all, you're being massively taken advantage of. The fact that he then doesn't respect your authority and makes the situation harder just makes it that much worse.

I'm sick of seeing awful behaviour dismissed as "normal teenage behaviour" on here, as well. There are plenty of teenagers that do not act anything like this, I certainly did not. Her behaviour might be influenced by teen hormones but it is still awful and unacceptable.

I'm sick of seeing awful behaviour dismissed as "normal teenage behaviour" on here, as well. There are plenty of teenagers that do not act anything like this, I certainly did not. Her behaviour might be influenced by teen hormones but it is still awful and unacceptable

And not every teen is abandoned by both parents who then go off to have babies with other people, while meanwhile she is going through puberty and a global pandemic, poor girl.

And much of the behaviour described is entirely normal, particularly showing no interest in things she used to love or seeming to change personality over night.

Understandably she feels like no-one gives a shit about her at the moment. Luckily the OP does care about her, but her dad and mum need to be more present and make her feel more of a priority.

Personally I think you have to pick your battles with her behaviour, OP, don't pull her up on every little thing and try to use carrot rather than stick. Try and get some time with her on a one to one basis as you used to have, which she obviously enjoyed. But unless her father and mother step up, she may go off the rails anyway, there is only so much you can do personally.

The "eventually she will get a boyfriend and it will resolve itself" advice is nonsense- boyfriends or girlfriends may well not happen for four or five years yet. And if this is not sorted before then she will probably be drawn to someone manipulative who will only make it worse. Much worse.

The "eventually she will get a boyfriend and it will resolve itself" advice is nonsense

That I did not say... Nowhere did I say that getting a boyfriend would resolve everything! In fact, I warned her not to spare the DSD the messy facts of having babies, in case she went down the 'a baby will give me all the love I've missed' road.

With both families distracted, boyfriends are likely to arrive early on the scene.

I agree, that in view if your partner being away a lot & then undermining you and that you already have a small child to care for single handedly, that there is no reason why you should become sole full time parent to a child that isn't yours.
She is actually not your problem

To be fair to her, in her mind her family is already ruined. She's already gone through the thing you are fearing, and she's a child who had no control over the family she's been born into.

She should never have been allowed to make the choice not to see her mother for two years, she was too young and it was obviously going to set up problems for the future.

The poor kid needs her parents to act like adults and provide some boundaries and stability.

And not every teen is abandoned by both parents who then go off to have babies with other people, while meanwhile she is going through puberty and a global pandemic, poor girl.

None of that is an excuse for the kind of behaviour OP is describing.

SD might be being failed but OP is also being massively failed being left as primary carer of a child that acts this way and then not even supported by the father that, by rights, ought to be the one looking after her, not OP.

So her dad never bothered with contact until you arrived, at which point she moved in with you and never saw her mum for two years after simply having a row? I mean it sounds like parents contact has been poorly managed all round by both her parents, and now that she’s got two new baby siblings and is seeing mum for the first time in two years is it really surprising that she’s acting up? I’d be astonished if she wasn’t.

My instinct says she might be pushing you away because she wants to live with her mum.

Her mums come back into her life because she's finally accepted to meet her mum. After only a couple of short visits she's come home signing songs of praises about them and how wonderful they are and come home and made myself and her dad feel just terrible.

This also doesn’t sound great. Of course she’s going to act like that about a mum she hasn’t seen for two years who let her move out because they had a row. She’ll want to feel as close to her as possible. And you and her dad are (presumably) adults and shouldn’t be ‘feeling terrible.’ You should be supporting her.

I think your DP probably needs to have a good chat with his ex about how they can both present a united front to deal with what's been happening. And you sound as though you could do with a bit of a break from being the one bearing the brunt of having to deal with it all, too.

If your SD gradually sees that her behaviour isn't 'winning' anything, and that both her parents and you are absolutely there for her, whilst not being open to her using you as emotional punchbags or to play each other off against one another, all the effort she's putting into trying wind you all up might run out of a bit of steam.

Keep including her in family things, remind her of the laughs you used to have together - I know when I was a VERY difficult teenager, being angry at everything often seemed easier than just letting it all go and not being such a pain in the backside to my parents.

Behaviour like your SD's is exhausting - for everyone concerned, maybe for her most of all. My Mum used to say things to me like; 'I know you want me to be annoyed with you right now, but I still love you more than I'm angry with you'. That really stuck with me. She also took me to see loads of gallery exhibitions, museums and weird performance art, and we did things like go on a boat trip up the river every few weeks or a rambled around a big old stately home. We also used to go to auctions, to watch a horse race or just sit by in a cafe (having a coffee was a big part of feeling a bit more grown up than I was). All of that wasn't for any reasons of 'learning anything', but just to take me out of my day-to-day. I often think, when presented with anything BUT routine, kids can forget, for a little while at least, all the other shit that's going on in their mad little teenage brains!

I hope things improve for you soon, OP x

To clarify we have done nothing but support that relationship healing and getting back to where it should be. Where we have felt terrible as I've put it above is at how her attitude has made us feel directly when she's come back, we want her to have a wonderful time but to come back into our household and feel loved and also to be respectful of our rules here to. I feel like a lot of people think children have a right to be rude and nasty, and I totally disagree. She has a loving home and she has a good quality of life and is shown love and care and respect by her family here. The problem is with her behaviour becoming out of control and though I'm sure some of it is hormones and some of it is stuff maybes she's internalised coming out, also some of it is just her being naughty, and it's incredibly difficult to deal with, and also I feel a lot of people who don't have step children may not understand, it's obviously going to be hurtful when you do your best and get little to nothing but a bad response back most of the time. I am fully behind her and will support her and be there for her but I can't help think that sometimes kids are naughty and push and push because they feel they can and I really do believe some of her behaviour is seeing how far she can push it, there are loads of factors at play but I can assure you she has a decent dad and myself doing our best. Her dad does struggle to support me but he's improving, he's seen her go through a lot and it's taking time to realise she needs us to be a team in order for her behaviour to improve

She has a loving home and she has a good quality of life and is shown love and care and respect by her family here.

Do you honestly believe that? Because it doesn’t sound anything like that from what you’ve written, and that’s exactly the problem. Her reasons for behaving badly are right there in the fact that she doesn’t have any of those things.

It a good quality of life for a thirteen year old does not include being left with your step mum for large periods of time when she’s understandably more interested in her baby. It doesn’t include both parents creating new families with new partners and new children. If she’d been shown real love, she wouldn’t have been allowed to stay away from her mother for two irreplaceable years as a mixed up child.

She has very good reason to behave the way she does, even if you and her dad want to kid yourselves that she doesn’t. I’d try and get some counselling for her because she is obviously having a hard time dealing with emotions that she doesn’t understand.

Also the fact that her dad didn't bother until he had a new girlfriend and her mum dropped her at school and never saw her again after they had a row when she was 10/11 years old. That's not good.

Her dad did bother and saw her regularly she just didn't live with him.
And she lives with myself and her dad, her dad works a lot but also spends a lot of quality time with her.
It's okay for adults to have families and more children.
From the sounds of it the people above have no idea what this type of situation is like.
No one's perfect but we do our best.

I do know what these situations are like, from the perspective of a child and an adult, and I agree that it’s ok for adults to have more children. I don’t doubt that you and your dp love your dsd and do your best, but even with those things in mind you can’t get away from the fact that she has had an incredibly disordered childhood. None of that is her fault, and unfortunately these things have consequences. The consequences on her will last much longer than they do on you. She needs to be given the opportunity to try therapy, otherwise all of these things that she’s been faced with will follow her into adulthood.

'Her mums come back into her life because she's finally accepted to meet her mum. After only a couple of short visits she's come home signing songs of praises about them and how wonderful they are and come home and made myself and her dad feel just terrible.'

Her mum is building bridges so is probably being the 'cool parent' at the moment. Your home is where boring stuff like homework, chores and rules happen. So Mum is flavour of the month.

That kid is damaged from the separation from her mother. She probably feels abandoned by her. Throw in immaturity and teenage hormones and you get problems. Has she seen a doctor? If she was 30 rather than 13 and had lost interest in things she enjoyed and was snappy, everyone would recognise depression, but typical teenage behaviour clouds the issue. I say this as a former 13 year old with unrecognised clinical depression following trauma.

Apologies. I presumed from the fact that you said she came for the ‘second visit’ that she had only come to stay twice after you moving in. And also the fact that her brother only visits your home twice a month doesn’t really indicate a father who is really involved with his kids. More an eow dad.

The fact is although you want her to have ‘two happy homes’ she doesn’t feel she has this, does she? She had ONE row at age 11 with her mum and her mum dropped her off at school and didn’t see her for two years. That’s not normal.

On top of that both mum and stepmum now have new babies, she’s seeing mum again and stepmum resents her talking about how wonderful mum is (which she’s likely doing to try and recreate a bond with a woman she’s not seen in two years) and she’s 13, a bad age for anyone.

I would suggest looking at some counselling for the child. She sounds deeply confused and unhappy and to be honest it’s no wonder.

Out of curiosity did she see a professional at all after being left at school by her mum and not seeing her? It must have been quite the shock to be living with a woman who (I think) she had met twice at this point?

And of course refusing contact with mum for an extended period of time isn’t normal or healthy. I would presume you did seek some sort of mediation or help for this? Especially as she described her stepfather as ‘abusive and awful’ which doesn’t sound good.