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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Teenage stepdaughter out to ruin the family

87 replies

jj12345jj · 04/04/2022 21:19

I have a 13 ur old SD who when she wasn't seeing her biological mum was very attached to me and I had a good relationship with, she's always been somewhat a handful but nothing that I felt was detrimental to myself or this family. After the birth of our own daughter who is now nearly one, my SD became very jealous, she is very attention seeking and although has love for her half sister, she plays up all the time when she's not getting what she wants. (I do my best to show equal love where possible, and spend quality time with both children, as want them to both feel loved and cared for.)
Recently my SD started seeing her biological mum who is now expecting also, and prior she hated her massively, and now suddenly their relationship is all sunshine and roses and although I'm happy for her that she has that back, she's been a nightmare at home treating me like a piece of dirt on her shoe, swearing, slamming doors, won't go to her room, won't listen, won't respect any rules or anything I say.
Her dad is emotionally entangled with her and hates to lay down the law and sometimes he backs me up but sometimes he supports her which sends her mixed messages. I've done everything I can to explain how I feel and my partner just doesn't see how badly I'm hurting from the constant abuse from his daughter towards me. I love my partner and worry our daughter whose one will start to copy what she's seeing and if that was the case I'd leave.
I want my step daughter to have a good relationship with both her families, all I've done is care and be there for her and she's so nasty and rude it's making every day a living hell. Any other step mums with similar experiences I'd love to know how you all coped and made it through as a family: doing my best to not run for the hills as love my partner and don't want my little girl to loose out on her family with her dad and sister but this is getting unbearable

OP posts:

malificent7 · 04/04/2022 22:02

She is 13 and will be starting the teen angst thing right about now. Plus there is a lot of upheaval in her life...new sibling, contact with her mum. I feel sorry for her.

SpaceshiptoMars · 04/04/2022 22:19

Well, yes, 13 - I think many people struggle with their own daughters at 13. However, it used to be pretty special at your place for her. She was getting one on one attention all the time, with you trying to be super mum for her. Now you are distracted, her own mother is about to be similarly so. Teenagers tend to the narcissistic, and narcissism likes to be fed.... No supply, no nice behaviour.

Eventually a boyfriend may come along and give her the attention she craves. Fingers crossed! Just make sure she's changed a few smelly nappies first

lunar1 · 04/04/2022 22:21

I was 13 when I briefly had contact with my dad again, it only lasted three months. The entire time I felt like I was on a knife edge, I had disturbing dreams, I can't imagine I was much fun to be around then either. Your partners daughter also has to process having a new sibling, and just being a 13 year old girl. It's a lot all added together. She will come through it.

YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj · 04/04/2022 22:26

"out to ruin the family"

ThePlantsitter · 04/04/2022 22:30

I think she's being horrible to you because you're safer than her mum tbh . You can understand why she's being horrible, though I'm sure it's awful for you. Can you grit your teeth through it so she knows you love her unconditionally? Because it doesn't seem like her actual mum does.

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2022 22:31

If it's as bad as you make it sound I probably would run for the hills, tbh, especially given your DP isn't backing you up.

LittleOwl153 · 04/04/2022 22:44

Oh god... parent of an almost 13 here too. I think a massive part of it is her age. There is something about year 8 which turns then into crazy monsters. As others said you are her safe space - so she feels safe reacting badly to you. Take it as a compliment- I know that's hard (I'm struggling with it too!)
She is not going to react badly to her mother as she is craving her attention and expects her to disappear from her life again as she did before- especially with another new baby for distraction - so she is doing a 'pick me' dance there.
She needs you - and her dad - to have consistent boundaries enforced consistently. That means her space is safe - no matter how much much licks against them. Talk to her when she's in a better place. Explain that the swearing is not on. It's not a good impression to give of herself, just a bad habit, doesn't impress you or shock you - you've said it/ heard it all before etc. Look at your rules are they achieving what you all needs? If so enforce them if not change them. But be consistent. (And learn to ignore the door slamming - here we actually laugh at it as certain doors have been slammed that many times I'm amazed they still have glass.)

Mellowyellow222 · 04/04/2022 22:48

Can you expand a bit on what you mean by her dad is emotionally entangled with her?

How unhealthy is their relationship? The kid has been through a lot - her mum abandoning her and reappearing - her lovely step mum suddenly distracted by a new baby and issues with her dad.

Would family therapy help?

If your partner is struggling to parent and establish boundaries with his elder child I think he needs to address this fast. He seems absent in all this and she is bouncing between two mums.

Apileofballyhoo · 04/04/2022 22:55

I also think you're her safe person to take things out on. Deep inside she is sure you love her and not sure of other love.

I'd try really hard to not take it personally. Install boundaries and natural consequences as much as possible. Correct her but don't get upset or angry. Let her make the choices. E.g. I won't bring you to xyz if you are rude to me because I find it upsetting when you're rude. I can't do this nice thing we were planning because the sitting room is a mess and has to be tidied. Just imagine she is a big toddler and don't take tantrums seriously!

Iamneverfull · 04/04/2022 23:03

Just to get a clearer picture, why did your sd come to live with you? What does your partner do to help you when she is being rude, is he supportive? I have a nearly 13 year old and it is a hard age but it sounds like she has a lot going on that adds to the normal teenage anger.

FrancescaContini · 04/04/2022 23:04

@YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj

"out to ruin the family"

Yes, my reaction too.

Original poster

jj12345jj · 05/04/2022 07:10

My step daughter moved in few years when she first met me, she came to visit her dad once I'd moved in and seemed to become incredibly attached all of a sudden, the second visit after she left to go back to her mums she had emailed her dad and I asking to move in, she had a row with her mum and step dad at the time and the next day we were told to pick her up from school and she's been with us ever since. Since then she didn't see her mum for two years through choice, her mum always asked to see her, but never forced her to go.

I say out to ruin our family, because that's a quote she's used, she said she doesn't care if all of this upset ruins our family. I'm not an evil step mum for the record, I've treated her like my own from day one and have done every day since and continue to do so, since having my daughter I have tried to split my time as evenly as possible and Always tried to make special time for my SD but she has started to refuse to spend that time with me unless I'm spending lots of money on her.
My step daughter has a lot of good qualities (this post though isn't about that) 99% of the time she is u happy, un motivated and always angry and has a problem, she doesn't back down if told no and my partner (her biological dad) isn't good being consistent with discipline because he feels she's had a lot of upset in her life before I met them both. Which I get but he undermines me and therefore it's a green light to her to keep up the awful behaviour which scares my little one, and also leaves me feeling like banging my head against a wall because if I ask her to go to her room she'll just goad me and get in my face.

She's amazing at art, but she doesn't want to draw, just be on her phone, she loves animals, and before all this kicked off she had such a quirky personality and tbh she was so funny in a lovely way and we both used to laugh so much together.

Her mums come back into her life because she's finally accepted to meet her mum. After only a couple of short visits she's come home signing songs of praises about them and how wonderful they are and come home and made myself and her dad feel just terrible.
All I want is for her to have two happy home life's as much as possible, and for our family to be able to not have so much tension, and fall outs because although I am aware my SD is obviously suffering to be acting in this way, I am truly doing my best to be there for her, I also have to think about how this will start affecting my daughter if not sorted out.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 05/04/2022 07:34

Honestly, a lot of these 'stepchild' issues are not necessarily due to being a stepchild but due to being a teenager - the early teen years can be awful, for everyone concerned. My DS was an absolute pain between 13-16 ... thankfully we got through it and he now a pleasant and charming young man, but I would never go back to those years.

SpaceshiptoMars · 05/04/2022 07:38

I'd be thinking about the previous stepdad in this. Did something dodgy occur then to make her run to you and need safety? Now he's gone, she's switched her loyalty back and is parroting unpleasantness from elsewhere? Imagine how her mother felt when your SD suddenly did a loyalty switch to you - maybe SD feels guilty about hurting her and is acting out with you now because of this.

The money stuff, hmmm. She's canny enough to play both sides here. I think there's a lot to be said for calling out that kind of behaviour and naming it!

I also think that every stepmother needs a good counselor on tap!

Soontobe60 · 05/04/2022 07:43

Do you not want her to have a relationship with her mum? It sounds like you’re annoyed that she’s happy seeing her tbh.
I’ve got 2 girls, both were absolute nightmares between the ages of 13 and 17. That’s growing up for you!
She sounds like she’s got some attachment issues that she needs help with working through. I’d suggest that you back off - you’re not her mum and she absolutely knows that. Be there for her, but stop challenging her. You’re going to drive her away.

DragonOverTheMoon · 05/04/2022 07:44

Parenting teens that aren't yours that have trauma is going to be really hard. You don't have to do it OP, you could move out. I wouldn't blame you, I wouldn't waste years of my life being miserable.

Not all teens are hard work like this. Neither of mine would dream of speaking to me like that. There's the odd huff and slammed door but that's not even a monthly occurrence.

If you want to stay I'm sure there's some good books around. You amd dh read a book together (it's going to say about consistency, family time and one on one time) and make him understand that you will be moving out if he doesn't step up. Non violent communication will be helpful since she gets up in your face.

Also get her on a regular schedule going to her mums. You guys need a break.

femfemlicious · 05/04/2022 07:51

I think you guys should have encouraged her to continue . Why did she refuse to see her mum?. Did you guys get to the bottom of it. If there was no good reason she should have been made to see her.

lunar1 · 05/04/2022 07:52

No happy and secure child refuses to see their mum on a whim for two years, what happened there?

candles1298 · 05/04/2022 07:53

None of this adds up..

As a mum, I can't imagine my (at the time) 10yo Dd visit her dad one day, decides she prefers it there, she sends him an email asking him if she can move in? And I'm fine with all this and have no contact for 2 years. Absolutely no way on earth would this happen with the majority of mums

Original poster

jj12345jj · 05/04/2022 08:00

My SD was encouraged to see her mum a lot, especially by myself as I thought it was really important she had a good relationship with me and built her relationship back up with her mum because children need their parents.
I have only ever wanted it to go well and I am happy that it's going great, where I am unhappy is that she's coming home and treating our family awful when she has been so well loved and looked after and she is treated, it's like a kick in the teeth, I just want her to be happy on both sides.

It's the same step dad living with her mum now. He never left. My SD told me that she was just silly and it was so her fault and that her Step dad is a lovely bloke.
She made him out to be abusive and a angry bloke when she first moved in.

To point it plainly I love my SD I'm just struggling with the behaviour because it's been off the chart bad and it's hurtful the stuff she's doing and saying, I don't know how to get her to realise she can have two happy homes.
It's like she feels she has to pick a team and someone has to give

OP posts:

Saltyquiche · 05/04/2022 08:01

Can you find something you can do together without baby or husband? Helping out at a dog cat rescue centre once a fortnight.

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/04/2022 08:09

SD is 13, it is a very hard age. I would continue to show her love, support and kindness. No need to compete with her mother, their relationship is their relationship. I am not sure how it will pan out for her, but one would hope successfully as it is such a key relationship in her life.

It does sound like she has been through a lot, cut her some slack - be loving as you would with your own child and don't be intimidated by the threats to 'ruin the family' she can't actually ruin your family - how would she? Just relax, teens are hard work - best to take the back seat and keep encouraging her to draw, spend time with her and be her champion and ask her to talk about her mother and experiences, she will learn to trust you and this is very important as she hits 14/15 plus. Look after her, and the rest will take care of itself.

Swayingpalmtrees · 05/04/2022 08:10

Teens can be hurtful and direct, that is what they do. This is not about you or her mother, but hormones and totally normal and to be expected. Your dd will be the same when the time comes.

Original poster

jj12345jj · 05/04/2022 08:16

I thought it was odd myself and so did my partner. Her mum let her go to school and she took a bag and we were told to collect her from school, she then didn't see her mum for ages though we tried hard to make her have contact.

It's all been bizarre to us.

I always try and find ideas on how to spend time together but she will blanket refuse now.
I treat her with kindness and love and just get a load of abuse back atm. I will continue to try and do care and love her, I am just struggling as it's causing a lot of upset in our house, from what normally has been a very happy home.
I feel like I'm trying to encourage all the right things and I have no wish to compete with her mum, all I ask for is respect in our house for everyone, and although I get kids lash out at that age this is consant atm, and has only started since she's been seeing her mum which I don't understand if she's having such a nice time with her mum why she can't come back home here and enjoy her time with us also. It's like she feels she has to choose a side,
I'll do whatever I can to help her, but it's very draining and no one is perfect and tbh it can be a little lonely trying to figure this all out and make it work.
Her brother still lives with her mum and sees us fortnightly and he enjoys both families.

OP posts:

Mix56 · 05/04/2022 08:45

I think you should tell your H, that bad behaviour is Bad Behaviour, & you need to have a joint rule book, He is enabling this. Obviously its part being 13, & its part upheaval, but is she behaving badly with her Mum too?
Why not go 50/50 with her Mother, if she is so happy there?

I would not accept being undermined by my H, especially if your own baby is learning that manipulation & tantrums get him/her what they want.

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