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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Sayings a child wouldn't say

55 replies

Lucky34 · 28/03/2022 17:25

I'm a step mum to a 10year old DSD and have my own DD (6). The ex has never been receptive to us or my DD and we have had to & still continue to persevere to have the agreed contact time. Holidays are still a nightmare ....

The DSD is very much coached that mummy's team is the best & we just need to be tolerated (that is until we are needed when DSD is ill, home schooling etc). I've always taken the approach that our home is DSD home & they are not a guest & they are our family. They are told not to tell us what happens at their home but we know fine well DSD is interrogated on return from our home.

My issue comes when I hear sayings/statements/threats said by DSD to either myself or ex or both & it's obvious they have overheard it or it's been said to them. Obviously outwardly I try to act like normal but inwardly it really infuriates me & I think about it for days or weeks.

I just can't understand why you would want your child to say such mean/vindictive or nasty things to their other family.

We've tried to address it by saying we don't want to hear that in our home, addressing it with the ex (pointless & I actually think she garners some joy hearing about it), ignoring it, trying to inform the inaccuracies or the fact it's not nice because..... all has had limited success.

I guess I'm asking is how do you deal with it? I can't be the only person experiencing this & maybe someone is doing something ive not thought about.

I know the common sense approach is to just ignore.... but I don't want my DD to be impacted by hearing these comments, also they are untrue & hurtful & I don't think I should accept that in my home. The main outcome is that I'm finding I'm just retreating from DSD and I know it's not their "fault" but that's just the reality.

Thanks for reading if you got this far

OP posts:

BurntEnds · 28/03/2022 18:25

Can your partner have a heart to heart and tell them that their other parent might be hurting and jealous but that's no need for them to not think before the repeat things. If anything is upsetting them then they can speak to your partner about it.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 28/03/2022 18:28

Remind her parental alienation is illegal and you are keeping records...

Soul11Soul · 28/03/2022 18:30

It really does depend on what is being said.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/03/2022 18:35

We had this and every time he said it, we reminded him that we weren't interested in what mums opinion of us was basically and that whether he agreed or not it was inappropriate.

It stopped in time, but we're talking years.

Original poster

Lucky34 · 28/03/2022 18:47

Thank you everyone for your replies and suggestions. I've definitely taken a note & will speak to my DH about it

I don't want to say exactly what is said but think "wait till I'll I'm older", "I have x days with you & then I get whole x weeks without having to come here", "a toy they wanted is arriving whilst with us, then DSD doesn't want to come", "I don't need to bath every day", "I'll tell mummy & she will be mad" I could say more but they are a bit more specific and aimed at personal things about myself.

Needless to say it is continuous. I guess perseverance & a party line that our house is different & we don't say mean things or pick & choose who our family is, based on treats being offered".

OP posts:

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/03/2022 18:49

It's seriously fucked up that she's doing this. Would your husband consider going for main residency?

BasementIdeas · 28/03/2022 18:52

I don’t understand? Those are exactly the sort of thing my DD would say! And she isn’t coached

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/03/2022 18:53

@BasementIdeas

I don’t understand? Those are exactly the sort of thing my DD would say! And she isn’t coached

And that doesn't worry you?

Original poster

Lucky34 · 28/03/2022 18:59

@BasementIdeas

I don’t understand? Those are exactly the sort of thing my DD would say! And she isn’t coached

I'm not sure I'd be proud of that!! But everyone's circumstances are different. Maybe you should think how your DD is impacting her family with her comments and what personality traits she is exhibiting.

Let me assure you that DSD is treated equally to our DD. And there is no cause for the treatment we receive.

OP posts:

BurntEnds · 28/03/2022 19:02

@Lucky34

Thank you everyone for your replies and suggestions. I've definitely taken a note & will speak to my DH about it

Needless to say it is continuous. I guess perseverance & a party line that our house is different & we don't say mean things or pick & choose who our family is, based on treats being offered".

Anything personal about you is 100% not on and DH needs to shut that right down.

Tbh maybe they don't need a bath every day, just let them smell.

Anything you can just reply that's nice dear.. and ignore it. DH can deal with it by speaking to DSC. One of my DSC went through a bit of a phase of not wanting to come here at around 11/12 but mum had been pushing the subject and stirring a bit. It soon faded.

BurntEnds · 28/03/2022 19:03

@BasementIdeas

I don’t understand? Those are exactly the sort of thing my DD would say! And she isn’t coached

You might want to do something about that.

merryhouse · 28/03/2022 19:18

I'm not sure I understand either.

The child is expressing quite vehemently that they don't want to visit, which is a sad situation and quite upsetting for her father but hardly threatening or something a stepmum needs to angst about for weeks; and she's moaning that she's been asked to do something she thinks shouldn't be necessary (which even kids with only one home are liable to do occasionally).

Unless there are significantly different instances the OP hasn't felt able to detail, I'm not sure the child's behaviour needs addressing.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 28/03/2022 19:23

@merryhouse

I'm not sure I understand either.

Unless there are significantly different instances the OP hasn't felt able to detail, I'm not sure the child's behaviour needs addressing.

"I'll tell mummy and she'll be mad" shouldn't be addressed? And op has clearly said the child has said personal things about her.

Very low parenting standards on this board tonight.

Silverclocks · 28/03/2022 19:48

I don't think the examples you give prove coaching either. They're the sorts of things children do say when they're not getting their own way.

cherryonthecakes · 28/03/2022 19:49

"I'll tell mum and she will be mad with you" is what kids say to their siblings or their peers (replace mum with teacher for the latter) so is not necessarily a divorced parent thing. Her Dad can't really encourage not telling tales (as keeping secrets from mum is dodgy territory) but he should be always there so he knows what really goes on and can correct any inaccurate stories (lies) that sd tells. I know that there are posts on here about how to deal with sc going home and telling their mum lies.

Is her dad being too soft and not saying stuff like "you need a bath every day here" ? If her dad isn't laying down consistent boundaries then she will try and push things because you and your dd are possibly competition for her and it's not an unusual age to try and be bossy anyway.

The toy thing is normal so you need to let this one go. Adults struggle with FOMO why wouldn't a 6yo?

My kids did keep track of how many days at mine/their dad's. The way she says it suggests that she doesn't want to be at her dad's though. Does he think that's the case?

The bit about being mean about you is unacceptable. Her dad needs to explain that she can't go round making stuff up about you and that you want to be friends with her and she needs to at least be polite. She wouldn't like people saying lies about her and she is normally a kind and lovely girl.

Original poster

Lucky34 · 28/03/2022 20:11

Again, thank you all for your comments & points of view. I appreciate without providing exact examples & the context of each situation it is difficult to understand.

The examples I provided were ones I felt were the least "outing" and "specific". So I can see where it seems I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. I can assure you I'm not & it's more that they are the tip of the iceberg.

I appreciate that children are fickle & want to do what they want.

But do you ever experience, a situation that what the child is saying, they don't even know what it means/is.... but they are saying it because they've heard it/been told to say it?? It's situations like this that I struggle with because I don't believe it is "normal" child behaviour & instead they are doing it because they believe the mother is the hurt party & needs defended no matter what (let me assure you, this is not the case!).

Anyway, I'm not a delicate flower that cannot take a few hurtful comments, but I struggle when the conduit is a child & they may be leading an example to mine.

I don't want to dislike the child either & I do try to rise above but I'm just finding it harder to turn the other cheek!

The comments of experiencing similar & it's phased out are a relief to hear. I guess everyone like to hear about light at the end of a tunnel.

OP posts:

gonnabeok · 28/03/2022 20:29

To be honest i really didn't like my step mum when I was a young child and didnt like going to their house much either. Whilst i didnt say mean things to her, she could probably tell by my body language I didnt want to be there.It was nothing to do with anything my mum said.I didnt maintain any relationship with her after my dad died but that was my choice.

You need to rise above these comments because theyre probably not going to stop but you can remind your dsd that particular comments hurt your feelings.

candles1298 · 28/03/2022 21:17

@BasementIdeas

I don’t understand? Those are exactly the sort of thing my DD would say! And she isn’t coached

I thought the exact same about my 8 year old. I'm not saying it's great she's saying then but I don't think anyone of them indicate coaching or parental alienation

Not from a 10 yo anyway

candlesandpitchforks · 28/03/2022 21:25

@merryhouse

I'm not sure I understand either.

Unless there are significantly different instances the OP hasn't felt able to detail, I'm not sure the child's behaviour needs addressing.

If this was my DD I would be horrified and be addressing the issue. Lord knows people make enough excuses for bad behaviour and wonder why they grow up and struggle in the real world.

If a child gets used to playing games between parents, what do you think they will do as adults ? Hardly a Stella quality in a adult surely.

Pinkyxx · 28/03/2022 23:42

It does sound like the child is angry and expressing strongly that she doesn't want to visit, understandably that is upsetting to hear. Best advice I can give is to respond to them indirectly vs directly. Don't engage with them... they are intended to provoke a reaction / drama.. a bit like a fire, it burns itself out without oxygen. The child needs to learn to talk about what's bothering her not act out.

e.g.

"wait till I'll I'm older", yes, when we are adult we get to choose however children do as their parents say

"I have x days with you & then I get whole x weeks without having to come here", that's nice, we love it when you come here for X days

"a toy they wanted is arriving whilst with us, then DSD doesn't want to come" We'll see her at the time agreed. I'm sure the toy will wait a few days, perhaps you could put it aside? Thanks

"I don't need to bath every day" in this house we bath every day. Are you going to get your towel or do you need help?

"I'll tell mummy & she will be mad" ok dear, Mummy can call me and I'll be happy to talk about it

candles1298 · 29/03/2022 10:05

*If this was my DD I would be horrified and be addressing the issue. Lord knows people make enough excuses for bad behaviour and wonder why they grow up and struggle in the real world.

If a child gets used to playing games between parents, what do you think they will do as adults ? Hardly a Stella quality in a adult surely.*

Or maybe the OPs DH should try and get to the bottom of why his DD doesn't want to spend time with him and his family instead of dismissing it as rudeness

My own Dd probably behaves similarly and I don't actually blame her given the situation at her dads. Other than gentle encouragement to spend time with him I stay out of it as it's for him to sort. However the years I've been accused of turning Dd against him.

It's always easier to blame the mother than it is to actually sit down and face the fact he could possibly have played a role in the that his child may not want to spend time with him and his new family

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 29/03/2022 10:14

Ah yes, of course the mother can never be to blame

candles1298 · 29/03/2022 12:01

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

Ah yes, of course the mother can never be to blame

I didn't say she could never be to blame. What I've said is there is nothing in the OPs post to suggest she is to blame.

The default seems to always be it's the mother turning against them instead of actually considering the fact that a 10yr old has their own mind and is entitled to have their own thoughts on their relationship with their dad.

Dads in separated families often seem to be oblivious that they may have any faults and jump to blaming the mum

Suretobe · 29/03/2022 12:09

It’s so hard. You can’t criticise mum as no good comes of that. But you can ask ‘and what do you think?’ to encourage autonomous thought. I do this with my DSD.
Sometimes (extremely rarely) I have replied ‘hello mum’ when it’s clear the shitty words are parroted from the mum. Used sparingly this has worked well. Though DSD is younger - and so her reaction is be a shocked ‘how did you know?’.
Your DSD is well old enough to know that she can hurt people’s feelings so maybe the angle ‘in this house, we think about how words can hurt someone before we speak’ might be a useful way to tackle direct insults.
I don’t use the words ‘in this house’ much and only where follows something that is no-brainer more kind, more ethical etc. I consider it big guns, as it is indirect criticism of the other house, so I don’t waste it on trivial matters.
I feel your pain. But you and I are not the sufferers here. It’s the kids who are guilted into not being allowed to relax and enjoy fully life with their dad.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 29/03/2022 12:38

@candles1298 I'm sorry but frankly that's bollocks. I think it's fairly obvious what's happening here, op clearly isn't stupid is she?

You've clearly no experience of this so why you'd think you know better than op whom is actually living with this situation is beyond me.

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