Sayings a child wouldn't say

[Lucky34]

Hi

I'm a step mum to a 10year old DSD and have my own DD (6). The ex has never been receptive to us or my DD and we have had to & still continue to persevere to have the agreed contact time. Holidays are still a nightmare ....

The DSD is very much coached that mummy's team is the best & we just need to be tolerated (that is until we are needed when DSD is ill, home schooling etc). I've always taken the approach that our home is DSD home & they are not a guest & they are our family. They are told not to tell us what happens at their home but we know fine well DSD is interrogated on return from our home.

My issue comes when I hear sayings/statements/threats said by DSD to either myself or ex or both & it's obvious they have overheard it or it's been said to them. Obviously outwardly I try to act like normal but inwardly it really infuriates me & I think about it for days or weeks.

I just can't understand why you would want your child to say such mean/vindictive or nasty things to their other family.

We've tried to address it by saying we don't want to hear that in our home, addressing it with the ex (pointless & I actually think she garners some joy hearing about it), ignoring it, trying to inform the inaccuracies or the fact it's not nice because..... all has had limited success.

I guess I'm asking is how do you deal with it? I can't be the only person experiencing this & maybe someone is doing something ive not thought about.

I know the common sense approach is to just ignore.... but I don't want my DD to be impacted by hearing these comments, also they are untrue & hurtful & I don't think I should accept that in my home. The main outcome is that I'm finding I'm just retreating from DSD and I know it's not their "fault" but that's just the reality.

Thanks for reading if you got this far

@NdefH81

No thank goodness. single parent for 5 years. Enjoy dating but the idea of bringing a man in to my childrens home or having to deal with children that are t mine sharing my home?

No chance

And if I didn’t think that before joining mumsnet, I sure as heck do now after reading all the unhappy threads from both sides
And that isn’t even inc the children involved

So why do you think you have any useful input, out of interest?

You’re absolutely right
I don’t
I’ll bow out gratefully

@NdefH81

No thank goodness. single parent for 5 years. Enjoy dating but the idea of bringing a man in to my childrens home or having to deal with children that are t mine sharing my home?

No chance

And if I didn’t think that before joining mumsnet, I sure as heck do now after reading all the unhappy threads from both sides
And that isn’t even inc the children involved

Yes, it's apparent from your comments and clear misinterpretation of what I've said that you are not a step mother.

I'm glad you've decided to leave this conversation because I am genuinely asking for the advice & support from people that have experienced what I am. This is why I put it on the step families board.

I would never dream to comment on life as a single parent and especially to someone asking for some support.

I don’t see this as bad behaviour or game playing. This is a child who is clearly being emotionally manipulated by her mother and is struggling. Loyalty bonds are real.

My DSD’s feeling about me have become more and more negative because her mum is horrible about me. She blames me for things “if daddy didn’t live with ThuMuClu maybe he’d be able to help me more and I wouldn’t be so sad.” Eye rolling every time my name is mentioned. She feels bad about spending time with me because her mum is sad because of me and she loves her mum. It’s really hard.

@ThuMuClu

I don’t see this as bad behaviour or game playing. This is a child who is clearly being emotionally manipulated by her mother and is struggling. Loyalty bonds are real.

My DSD’s feeling about me have become more and more negative because her mum is horrible about me. She blames me for things “if daddy didn’t live with ThuMuClu maybe he’d be able to help me more and I wouldn’t be so sad.” Eye rolling every time my name is mentioned. She feels bad about spending time with me because her mum is sad because of me and she loves her mum. It’s really hard.

Yes, it's a very difficult position to be in and I find it very challenging