Mother's day moaning

[DuckyNoMates]

I can't stand my DH's attitude towards mothers day . Mum and DH decided that they'd help the DSC get gifts for each other at the usual times. But he's now being so tight and saying things like "I just have to help them, I don't have to pay" etc. It's really annoying me. I know why he's doing it, mum ends up regifting things she's been given, christmas biscuits for birthday gifts etc. But it's really annoying me they won't both just do it properly.

@AnneLovesGilbert

How’s he being unkind? He’s taken them shopping, he’s given them money. Even though they have pocket money! And one of them is old enough to have a bank card.

He’s being a bit churlish but he’s still buying his ex a couple of presents via the kids even though she gives him old biscuits and seems as petty as he is!

Churlish that's the word. It's just a rant about the churlishness. They should just knock the whole thing on the head and say sort it yourselves. Youngest is 9.

@Casper001

Hold on so his ex makes next to no effort. He is making next to no effort.

Can't they just get a card for the kids as a token gesture and leave it at that. My ex says she doesn't like anything I get in their house (obviously I do it for the kids not myself) and I make minimal effort these days as I've given up she's so petty.

Yes! Or this, this would work.

What does not work is them being so miserable and resentful about it that they grudgingly help the kids. The kids deserve to enjoy choosing and buying something. Yes it can be £5, Yes it can be utter shit, but there is no need for the attitude from their parents.

@aSofaNearYou

How young is the youngest? I'm not really seeing the problem tbh, it comes across like they're old enough to sort it themselves, given the parents don't like each other there's not much point continuing.

Sorry, its basically me having a rant about how gift buying has turned into something so miserable and joyless. I'm going to suggest I take them out to get their mum something when her birthday next comes around. Grab a coffee, make a trip of it, look in 5 shops without moaning once.

Gift buying for someone you dislike out of nothing more than obligation is going to be joyless though. Sounds like it is for both parents.

That’s going to be making it joyless for the kids too. It would be much better to just agree not to buy for each other and make alternative arrangements.

I facilitated my own Mother’s Day last year despite having a husband (and father of the youngest of my children). He was too busy doing more important things. 🙄 I shall be facilitating my own this year too, minus the husband.

Fair enough OP. I think it's also fair enough to not really enjoy buying gifts for your ex though. Better if the two of them have partners or family members to help the kids who actually like the person in question.

@aSofaNearYou

Fair enough OP. I think it's also fair enough to not really enjoy buying gifts for your ex though. Better if the two of them have partners or family members to help the kids who actually like the person in question.

Yes fair enough. And if he's not going to change it to quit moaning about it.

I suppose on this one - it feels like both of them are trying to race to the bottom, as it were.

Takes a fair amount of emotion on both parts to see who can give the worst gift or seem like the most uninterested. I suppose that would bother me more because I'm on fairly good terms with my ex considering he cheated after the loss of our son and kindly admitted to me about it when I was pregnant with DD, but I'm fairly detached from emotions re him. I have no anger or hate for him because I'm simply disinterested, I get him a card and present for birthday and holidays but it takes up none of my emotional bandwidth, it's as interesting to me as warmed up vanilla yogurt, I do it for my daughter as it brings her joy, simply put and it's a mark of respect. Hate and love are not the opposite of each other. Love and disinterest are though... so in my view I can see why this urks you.

That said I would say if you want to be a misery to your ex that's fine but your doing it for your children and I expect as a bare min for them not to hear you talk about their mum badly or take out your emotional crap on them and I am also completely uninterested in hearing you moan. Grow up, let go and stop faking moaning to me over a fiver.

But then I'm fairly easily bored of other peoples melodrama over nothing or worst still letting people live rent free in my head. Especially other peoples drama living rent free in my head. I probably shouldn't be a step mum for this fact alone but here I am!

Good for you for not caring, it makes me feel awkward and horrible knowing DP has got something for his ex...i dont think its necessary, kids that are old enough should just make a card and thats it...why should money and thought be spent from an ex who has a new partner? Esp when they have own our children...

I can’t really comment until I know the DSC ages. Very different if they’re 3 or 13…..

This is something you either do to teach your children kindness, gratitude & the art of showing people you care or you just don't bother at all. I've taken DD to get gifts for her Dad on key dates. I do this because I want her to teach her generosity of spirit. I did used to get Mother's day card for SM but ex told me to stop as it upset SM, so I didn't do it again. I also used to send birthday/Christmas gifts for SM & her children but stopped as ex told me that also upset SM. It was very sad years later when DD told me SM used put them in the trash. She wouldn't even let her kids play with the gifts DD had so thoughtfully selected.

My ex however has never ever helped DD get a Christmas / birthday or Mother's day gift or even card for me. He did however insist she did all of these things for her step mother - including singing a song for her on Mother's day (which is as nauseating as it is bizarre).

Sometimes contempt / hate whatever it is eclipses everything else, in such cases best to just do nothing than do it resentfully.. at least that is honest.