Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Step Daughter is in the huff

68 replies

CherylPorter350 · 02/03/2022 11:16

DSD is 18 and lives with us, she's currently a nursing student on placement, enjoys a full social life and doesn't drive.

Lately, lifts have just been expected, it's started to irritate me. Like, on a Sunday there are no buses in time for her placement starting so I get up at 6 to take her in...fair enough.

She gets the train going out at Weekends but expects lifts to the train station witj 5 minutes notice.

For context we only have one car at the moment and DH has thyroid eye disease meaning he struggles to drive early and at night as this is when his eyes are worst.

Last weekend I was out and about on Sunday. She's at her friends, says there's no train home snd texts dad for a lift. He tells her I'm out with the car so she texts me asking when I'm bringing the car home so she can get picked up. No thought for my plans etc

I was pretty pissed off and told her so, she's nearly 19 and if she can get herself out she can get herself home without impacting my day.

On the occasion in the past I've refused to pick her up she's gotten a taxi...then asked us to pay for it!! I never have but I know DH has.

Am I being too harsh here?

Otherwise we have a great relationship....just now she's in a huff like I've done something wrong

OP posts:

Nelliephant1 · 02/03/2022 11:28

Kinda. I've run my lot all over the place at all times of the day and night. I've even picked up their friends (without my lot) at all hours. Anything to keep them safe, I couldn't imagine leaving them to get the train, walk etc. that's what I'm there for.

Beamur · 02/03/2022 11:31

No you're not being unreasonable. You're not a taxi service.
Asking in advance if you can give her a lift, fine. Just expecting it, bit rude actually.

Bdhntbis · 02/03/2022 11:34

To me it’s the expectation that would annoy me; my DSD is younger and needs taking places but she appreciates that we have plans too and she needs to work around us and we’ll do the same. At 18 I’d expect there to be some planning and if she’s going somewhere without transport home to ask about what would work

@Nelliephant1 but at what age do you then start saying they need to work it out?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/03/2022 11:38

She is being selfish & inconsiderate. You are doing her a favour by giving her a lift. It should be appreciated by her.
She could always find digs closer to her placement & sort her own transport!
Time for a reality check that the world does not revolve around her alone.

Original poster

CherylPorter350 · 02/03/2022 11:39

I'm fine with picking up/dropping off if there is some consideration given. She says she's an adult but an adult doesn't go out without checking they can get home.

It turned out there were trains that day, just none from the station closest to her mates house, she said she couldn't be bothered getting to the next train station over.

OP posts:

Escargooooooo · 02/03/2022 11:43

How does she pay for trains/taxis?

Also, how does she get to the places she needs picking up from in the first place?

bellsbuss · 02/03/2022 11:46

As I say to my daughter, I haven't got UBER stamped on my head I don't mind giving her lifts but it has to be convenient to me. It's like she thinks how dare I have a life and that I should be there 24 7 to take her here there and everywhere. I've told her straight if I'm free il do it if not then she will have to pay for an Uber, walk or get the bus.

ImAvingOops · 02/03/2022 11:49

I think she's being unreasonable but in a typical teen way. She should be asking not expecting (for social life, not so much for work) and you do need to address it before it gets worse and told that if there are trains then she need to take them and get as close to home as possible.
I'd get her if it was dark or she would be somewhere isolated.
You need to talk to your husband about this too because it isn't your responsibility to find a 19 year olds taxis home from friends. Certainly not when it's expected and not appreciated.
Kids can be massively self centred though - she'll hopefully grow out of it!

TheSmallAssassin · 02/03/2022 11:50

Have you had a conversation with her about it, to set some expectations about what is reasonable? Young people are just used to being run around by their (step) parents, it may just not have occurred to her that she's grown up now and times have changed.

Original poster

CherylPorter350 · 02/03/2022 11:55

@Escargooooooo

How does she pay for trains/taxis?

Also, how does she get to the places she needs picking up from in the first place?

She receives a nursing bursary of 700 a month, this is her disposable income.

She generally uses trains to get to her friends, she'll often not tell us her plans (no real issue with that) then come downstairs dressed saying right I need to get to train station who's taking me. There are buses to the station. When coming home it seems to be she's hungover and just wants picked up...

OP posts:

RB68 · 02/03/2022 11:55

We are remote altho have a train station. The trains are not that frequent stopping here but it is mainline Birmingham London. I have learnt to ask before she goes - how are you getting back whats the plan? Is there a train? Can you check the trains, then if there isn't one she is very polite asking me whether I can pick her up or not. She uses the train for college and also work sat and sun in the opp direction. Its only really Sat am or Sundays she gets stuck if there are works etc. But its been a year and its worked out OK and she doesn't take the piss. But that might be cos I prempt it by doing a bit of the planning for her by aasking the Qs. Is she learning to drive?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 02/03/2022 11:57

My parents let it be known from a young age that they are not a taxi service. I had friends who would act like your SD and expect lifts everywhere but I always had to get the bus or a taxi. While it was annoying, I do fully understand why.

Original poster

CherylPorter350 · 02/03/2022 11:59

@ImAvingOops

I think she's being unreasonable but in a typical teen way. She should be asking not expecting (for social life, not so much for work) and you do need to address it before it gets worse and told that if there are trains then she need to take them and get as close to home as possible. I'd get her if it was dark or she would be somewhere isolated. You need to talk to your husband about this too because it isn't your responsibility to find a 19 year olds taxis home from friends. Certainly not when it's expected and not appreciated. Kids can be massively self centred though - she'll hopefully grow out of it!

She's not my first teen so I totally get She's not unlike many her age or her older step sister lol. Her older step sister, my oldest, moved out to uni at 18 so had to learn these things quicker as I just wasn't available.

I've told her I've no problem with helping getting to placement etc but when it comes to the weekends she needs to understand we work all week and often have plans of a weekend. Thst she needs to plan her travel in advance and check/ask that were available for a lift if necessary

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 02/03/2022 12:04

Plus she has £700 and presumably no actual bills! That pays for a few ubers/taxis!!!

Original poster

CherylPorter350 · 02/03/2022 12:06

@SeasonFinale

Plus she has £700 and presumably no actual bills! That pays for a few ubers/taxis!!!

No bills, we pay her phone etc still and obviously no rent as she's at home.

I have found her a driving instructor though so lessons will start soon

OP posts:

rookiemere · 02/03/2022 12:10

I've found with DS 15 that if I give him a lift to school for any reason ( say he's running late) rather than being grateful, he gets it in his head that I'm going to be giving him lifts every day and then gets grumpy when I don't. Like you I will give him a lift when he needs to be in at 7am for training as that's different.

You need to speak to her together and say that you'll give her a lift to her placement when it's too early to get the bus, but other than that the default is that she will make and pay for her own way home.
She can ask for a lift on occasion but she shouldn't expect it and should take a refusal politely.

Madickenxx · 02/03/2022 12:11

It's all about expectation setting and in your DSD's case re-setting. I made it very clear to my DC that when they were old enough to take the bus / train home on their own, that's their mode of transport unless they want to pay for a cab. I do still give them lifts occasionally but they rarely ask and I offer when it suits me. We live in a London suburb so buses / taxis are plentiful which makes it easier. Having said that, I still pay for their oyster cards so there's that. It's a small price to pay to not be seen as a taxi service in my opinion.

AlisonDonut · 02/03/2022 12:15

She generally uses trains to get to her friends, she'll often not tell us her plans (no real issue with that) then come downstairs dressed saying right I need to get to train station who's taking me.

Do you say 'No idea, why not check their name badge when you get on the bus?'

Sprucewillis · 02/03/2022 12:16

Too and from placement fine as expected and negotiated. Everything else should be an ask and a discussion. Giving you 5 mins notice is a bit entitled. Also the weekend thing needs a discussion through the week so you know when you can have a glass of wine. Otherwise if she can afford to go out she can afford a taxi is the run in our house. I don't mind giving lifts but I do not like piss taking.

NopeNoNope · 02/03/2022 12:17

@Nelliephant1

Do you children message you with the expectation of you leaving your plans early though? I think that's the difference.

I can't drive because of health reasons so it's dh and my dd is 17 and most of the time dh would pick her up but the difference is she plans ahead (and budgets) before she goes out, she will ask if dh is out doing his hobby or with friends before heading off out so she knows he's not available, so she arranges something else and asks another family member or books a taxi (and doesn't demand we pay for it but we sometimes do), she offers petrol money every time too which we don't accept but she offers and says thank you.

She's doesn't demand and go in the huff if the adults in her life have their own plans.

Citygirl2019 · 02/03/2022 12:18

She may not be budgeting well. If you are in England the bursary and student loan are paid three times per year. So yes, the combined amount is £700 per month, but it would not be paid monthly.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 02/03/2022 12:19

@Nelliephant1

Anything to keep them safe?

We are talking about an 18 year old walking to a train station in the daytime. My 12 year old manages to walk to the train station/bus stop and get himself into town and back to see his friends/wander around the city centre aimlessly. I’d expect far more of an 18 year old.

Escargooooooo · 02/03/2022 12:31

Are you joking???

She pays no rent, no bills, and you even pay her phone. She's an adult. With £700 to just piss up the wall every month because you act as a free taxi service as well? Do you cook her meals too?

You need to diplomatically tell her to fuck the fuck off! She has £700 to spend on Uber and nothing else, yet she doesn't?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/03/2022 12:34

Personally I would say lifts out of hours she needs to get a taxi. 6 am on a Sunday?
Fuck
That
Her social life should not be impacting yours. And her uni money should cover the lifts to there.
She is a cf!

Daenerys77 · 02/03/2022 12:34

I'd give her a bus timetable and the number for a reliable taxi service and tell her to start making her own arrangements.

Flip

1 2 3