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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step Daughter is in the huff

68 replies

CherylPorter350 · 02/03/2022 11:16

DSD is 18 and lives with us, she's currently a nursing student on placement, enjoys a full social life and doesn't drive.

Lately, lifts have just been expected, it's started to irritate me. Like, on a Sunday there are no buses in time for her placement starting so I get up at 6 to take her in...fair enough.

She gets the train going out at Weekends but expects lifts to the train station witj 5 minutes notice.

For context we only have one car at the moment and DH has thyroid eye disease meaning he struggles to drive early and at night as this is when his eyes are worst.

Last weekend I was out and about on Sunday. She's at her friends, says there's no train home snd texts dad for a lift. He tells her I'm out with the car so she texts me asking when I'm bringing the car home so she can get picked up. No thought for my plans etc

I was pretty pissed off and told her so, she's nearly 19 and if she can get herself out she can get herself home without impacting my day.

On the occasion in the past I've refused to pick her up she's gotten a taxi...then asked us to pay for it!! I never have but I know DH has.

Am I being too harsh here?

Otherwise we have a great relationship....just now she's in a huff like I've done something wrong

OP posts:

viques · 02/03/2022 12:45

Tell her to enjoy spending her disposable income of £700 a month while she can! Because once she is out in the real world she will be living on far less once she has paid rent, living expenses, council tax, income tax etc etc.

Original poster

CherylPorter350 · 02/03/2022 13:11

@viques

I actually said this to DH...she has more disposable income than him but he's shelling out for taxis

OP posts:

Original poster

CherylPorter350 · 02/03/2022 13:17

@Escargooooooo

Are you joking???

She pays no rent, no bills, and you even pay her phone. She's an adult. With £700 to just piss up the wall every month because you act as a free taxi service as well? Do you cook her meals too?

You need to diplomatically tell her to fuck the fuck off! She has £700 to spend on Uber and nothing else, yet she doesn't?

We actually do cook for her...if she doesn't like what we're cooking she gets herself a takeaway

Kinda seeing we're the mugs here

OP posts:

ilovemyboys3 · 02/03/2022 13:22

Very difficult and I wouldn't be happy to become a taxi driver when it suited her. When I was young if I couldn't get home from somewhere then I couldn't go where I wanted. Perhaps you should suggest she thinks about her return journey before she goes and asks you in advance for a lift so it's not last minute, then you also have the ability to say no I can't at that time because of x y and z but I could at this time, or just that you can't at all that day.

Beamur · 02/03/2022 13:33

We actually do cook for her...if she doesn't like what we're cooking she gets herself a takeaway

Kinda seeing we're the mugs here

A little bit 😂

CorvusPurpureus · 02/03/2022 13:41

I would refuse the next few lifts to social events.

When she objects, say calmly that she's been taking you for granted, everyone needs to re-set the expectations here, & you'll discuss it with her in a few days once both sides have had a chance to think about what's reasonable.

Then stick to your guns - give it at least a full weekend where she has to sort herself out.

Once she comes back saying OK, I get it, let's talk - you put in place boundaries that work for you.

For me, that would be 24 hour notice any time she wants a lift, & you'll accommodate her when it's convenient, but if she can't plan ahead she needs to rely on bus/train/uber at her own expense. If she does have an unexpected change of plan, she can ask nicely, but if it's not convenient, she needs to suck it up & sort herself out - any sulking or huffing, & ALL lifts are off the table again.

& I'd reiterate that if it's ever a genuine emergency (stranded miles away in the middle of the night with no mates around & no money to get home etc) you'll come & get her to make sure she's safe. But you aren't available for random no notice routine taxi-ing!

This works quite well as a rule on my 17yo ds - I withdraw whatever service or favour he's currently taking the piss about, give him time to miss it, & negotiate new terms once he's suitably brought to heel....

KindlyKanga · 02/03/2022 14:56

I would say the early morning drive to her placement is fair enough if it was agreed when she started but anything else you want to be asked a week in advance unless it is an emergency. A trip to the train station is not an emergency. A last minute oh the bus hasn't arrived would you mind running me to the station is different. But she needs to lose the sense of entitlement. Maybe start charging rent.

KindlyKanga · 02/03/2022 14:57

@CorvusPurpureus has a good plan. I'll bank that for future use!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/03/2022 15:07

My own daughter (18) doesn't just expect lifts - if they're given she's grateful, and she certainly doesn't expect them at short notice. The SD sounds very entitled and I certainly wouldn't be paying her back for taxis.

ProfFloss · 02/03/2022 15:17

I have a similar issue. ‘D’SD is perfectly able to get on public transport to visit friends or any kind of social event but almost needs carrying into work. Oh except Sundays when her father runs around after her like a lost puppy!

user1487194234 · 02/03/2022 18:16

I think if you would do it for your own kids you should do it for SC
I understand how annoying it is to be an unpaid taxi driver but I would never leave my DC stuck

Nelliephant1 · 02/03/2022 18:27

@Bdhntbis

To me it’s the expectation that would annoy me; my DSD is younger and needs taking places but she appreciates that we have plans too and she needs to work around us and we’ll do the same. At 18 I’d expect there to be some planning and if she’s going somewhere without transport home to ask about what would work

@Nelliephant1 but at what age do you then start saying they need to work it out?

They do work it out. It was a gradual process of needing me less but there was and never will be a cut off age. Two of mine drive but I'm still there and do run them places if they want me to for whatever reason. . This girl is only 18, she's got enough on her plate without walking on eggshells over something as trivial as asking for a lift, her wellbeing comes before anything else.

A parent is a parent for life and if they need a lift when they're 40 or 50 or whatever you bet I'll still do it without a second thought.

Nelliephant1 · 02/03/2022 18:32

I really and truly cannot believe how selfish some people are on this thread. Children come first no matter what age they are. The attitudes displayed by some here are really quite sad.

ProfFloss · 02/03/2022 18:35

I’m sad then but DSD does not come first. We’re all equals in our home, no one’s wants come before another’s needs.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 02/03/2022 18:38

@Nelliephant1

I really and truly cannot believe how selfish some people are on this thread. Children come first no matter what age they are. The attitudes displayed by some here are really quite sad.

No. The whims of an 18 year old who cannot be bothered to get herself to a train station or pay for her own taxi do not come first.

Frankly, attitudes like this might explain why so many young people have huge senses of entitlement, no resilience and no life Skills.

Teaching your children to sort out basics like getting themselves around on public transport etc doesn’t mean you aren’t there in an actual emergency. But it does mean they’re more likely to have the skills to not find themselves needing ‘rescued’ all the time.

A580Hojas · 02/03/2022 18:39

Don't be ridiculous nelliphant. Of course children don't come first no matter what age they are. I have to suppose you are being deliberately goady.

hauntedbillybass · 02/03/2022 18:39

Buy her a 2nd hand folding commuter bike to get to and from the bus/train.

PearPickingPorky · 02/03/2022 18:46

@Nelliephant1

I really and truly cannot believe how selfish some people are on this thread. Children come first no matter what age they are. The attitudes displayed by some here are really quite sad.

Do your children's social lives come before your own?

This is so bizarre.

Yes, children's needs come first, but lifts to go out with friends, in the middle of the day, rather than getting herself there on public transport/her own feet/taxi, when the adults have their own plans which the 18 year old has selfishly not even considered, are not needs.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 02/03/2022 18:46

Seriously, you think my mum should drop everything because I want a lift in my 40s? Because I ‘come first’?

That’s just ridiculous.

This 18 year old is doing placements as a student nurse. She can apply the kind of maturity that requires to the simple act of getting the train back from a friend’s house the day after a night on the piss.

Howshouldibehave · 02/03/2022 18:51

I have an 18 year old and a 20 year old-they would never dream of asking for lifts like that! They would ask politely in advance and would walk/get the train/arrange a lift with a friend or not go if we couldn’t them. You need to get your DH on side though-she is behaving in a very rude way towards you.

KindlyKanga · 02/03/2022 18:54

@Nelliephant1

I really and truly cannot believe how selfish some people are on this thread. Children come first no matter what age they are. The attitudes displayed by some here are really quite sad.

It is not in an 18 year olds interest to not learn to be responsible and independent. As for the not paying rent that is ridiculous. Different if she was saving hard for a deposit on her own home or something but she's just spending it all.

ChocolateMassacre · 02/03/2022 18:59

I'd tell her you need 24 hours notice for lifts and reserve the right to refuse, in which case she'll have to pay for a taxi.

She sounds entitled but kids will push as far as you let them get away with. You've let her get away with it so far but she'll soon get used to the new status quo if lifts are no longer available on demand.

Mojoj · 02/03/2022 19:01

@Nelliephant1 how sad that you think "that's what I'm here for..". OP, your stepdaughter is taking the piss. She's an adult who should be taking responsibility for herself. I'd be telling her where to go.

LumpyandBumps · 02/03/2022 19:31

I live in a village with an infrequent bus service. My children could rarely get themselves to social events, and sometimes work, without a lift.

They never took lifts for granted, and very rarely asked at short notice.

We would often share lifts with other parents, so only one of us had to drive.

Lifts that were not pre arranged could never be guaranteed. I don’t drink that often but I wouldn’t want to commit to never having a glass of wine with dinner.

If they had needed transport in a true emergency and I couldn’t get them I would have paid for a taxi, but it never happened.

Fortunately my two were very keen to drive, got part time jobs whilst at college to pay for their cars, and have been able to arrange their own transport since they were 17.

hauntedbillybass · 02/03/2022 19:33

@Nelliephant1

I really and truly cannot believe how selfish some people are on this thread. Children come first no matter what age they are. The attitudes displayed by some here are really quite sad.

What?! A hungover 19yo wanting picked up with no notice is more important than OPs planned day out??

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