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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step Daughter is in the huff

68 replies

CherylPorter350 · 02/03/2022 11:16

DSD is 18 and lives with us, she's currently a nursing student on placement, enjoys a full social life and doesn't drive.

Lately, lifts have just been expected, it's started to irritate me. Like, on a Sunday there are no buses in time for her placement starting so I get up at 6 to take her in...fair enough.

She gets the train going out at Weekends but expects lifts to the train station witj 5 minutes notice.

For context we only have one car at the moment and DH has thyroid eye disease meaning he struggles to drive early and at night as this is when his eyes are worst.

Last weekend I was out and about on Sunday. She's at her friends, says there's no train home snd texts dad for a lift. He tells her I'm out with the car so she texts me asking when I'm bringing the car home so she can get picked up. No thought for my plans etc

I was pretty pissed off and told her so, she's nearly 19 and if she can get herself out she can get herself home without impacting my day.

On the occasion in the past I've refused to pick her up she's gotten a taxi...then asked us to pay for it!! I never have but I know DH has.

Am I being too harsh here?

Otherwise we have a great relationship....just now she's in a huff like I've done something wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
CherylPorter350 · 02/03/2022 19:36

@user1487194234

I think if you would do it for your own kids you should do it for SC I understand how annoying it is to be an unpaid taxi driver but I would never leave my DC stuck
I dont do it for my own adult DC, my other children are 12 and 13. I don't treat her any differently from my own children.
OP posts:
Bellex · 02/03/2022 19:38

Is there a reason she can’t use that £700 a month to learn to drive?

Surely she’ll need to drive once a working nurse on shifts

Original poster
CherylPorter350 · 02/03/2022 19:40

@Bellex

Is there a reason she can’t use that £700 a month to learn to drive?

Surely she’ll need to drive once a working nurse on shifts

She does start lessons this month...I found an instructor for her.
OP posts:
ChocolateMassacre · 02/03/2022 19:41

@Nelliephant1

I really and truly cannot believe how selfish some people are on this thread. Children come first no matter what age they are. The attitudes displayed by some here are really quite sad.
It's not putting children first to allow them to ride roughshod over everyone else. They're going to have to face the big, wide world on their own at some point and a bit of consideration for others, together with a few manners, goes a long way.
Original poster
CherylPorter350 · 02/03/2022 19:43

Thanks for all the replies, both me and DH are going to have a chat with her this weekend around expectations on both sides.

For those saying kids needs come first etc..yes they do, but she's not a child and won't ever learn to be an adult if we continue to allow her to behave like a child

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 02/03/2022 20:27

Also needs and wants are not the same thing. She needs to be given a lift for work, she wants to get a lift home when she is hungover and cba to get a train. It's not reasonable to expect her parents to drop everything and interrupt their own plans, to collect her under those circumstances. And this does need to be pointed out.
Obviously, let her know you'll collect her if she's genuinely stuck or vulnerable. But that's really not the same as not fancying a walk to a train station during the day!

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 02/03/2022 20:33

@Nelliephant1 are you saying you'd leave your friends and go collect your child because they come first?

NowEvenBetter · 03/03/2022 09:57

Can she not even cook? Did her parents not raise her to be independent and functioning?

CorvusPurpureus · 03/03/2022 20:01

@Nelliephant1

I really and truly cannot believe how selfish some people are on this thread. Children come first no matter what age they are. The attitudes displayed by some here are really quite sad.
Well, no, that genuinely wouldn't work for me, & more importantly it wouldn't work for my teenage dc.

My 17yo ds will hopefully be doing a gap year internship teaching in the Far East by next October. Mummy won't be terribly handy then to pick him up if he's missed the train home! He'll have to figure it out.

So he & his younger teenage sisters know to let me know who needs a ride & where they want to go over the weekend. With 24 hours notice.

If they don't organise their requests, then I'll be quite busy 'putting them first' by doing essential planning for my job, to earn the money to cover their trips to the mall, the cinema & their mates' houses.

I'm quite generous with my time & my money in this respect; but I don't exist in some sort of limbo state awaiting their caprices, & I'm not a taxi rank.

& if one of mine was an adult who had a couple of hundred quid spending money to pay for socialising every week, they could definitely sort out the occasional uber, I think.

OP is being perfectly reasonable & doing dsd a favour by not infantilising her, tbh.

SpaceshiptoMars · 03/03/2022 20:49

@Nelliephant1

I really and truly cannot believe how selfish some people are on this thread. Children come first no matter what age they are. The attitudes displayed by some here are really quite sad.
I might mostly agree with you about children up to about age 7. After that, they need to learn that other people do not rotate around them. It is not kind to send them out into the world believing that they come first.
Northernparent68 · 04/03/2022 13:27

@AlisonDonut

She generally uses trains to get to her friends, she'll often not tell us her plans (no real issue with that) then come downstairs dressed saying right I need to get to train station who's taking me.

Do you say 'No idea, why not check their name badge when you get on the bus?'

This, the who is giving me a lift is very rude.
Beinggood2 · 14/09/2022 06:15

Nelliephant1 · 02/03/2022 18:32

I really and truly cannot believe how selfish some people are on this thread. Children come first no matter what age they are. The attitudes displayed by some here are really quite sad.

I agree

nachoavocado · 14/09/2022 06:18

DH needs to have a word. She's an adult now. Time to behave like one.

Roselilly36 · 14/09/2022 06:22

Yes, get her driving asap, my DS1 passed his test at 17, best thing ever, he could drive himself to college, after having the rely in two buses, or mum!

dammit88 · 14/09/2022 06:32

I think the lifts to placement are a kind thing to do. Especially if she is working 12 hours shifts. And then has studying to do too.

The nights out more depends - is she having to come home alone after them? Does she not have friends coming home roughly the same way that can share a taxi? In that sort of instance id be all for the taxi or train. But if she is travailing home alone in the early hours of the morning id be inclined to pick her up for safety. I would expect good manners and consideration though!

Andromachehadabadday · 14/09/2022 06:36

I think setting expectations is the right route.

Dd moved to Uni last week. I have been really clear if she wants to come home for the weekend, she either gets the train or waits until it convenient for me.

She is coming home this weekend to spend it with her best friend as she moves soon too.

I did take Friday off work? Incase she needed something dripping off or was homesick. But made it clear I can’t take every Friday off work and won’t be finishing at 5 and sitting through rush hours. So I will go this weekend for her. But she knows other times it will be the train.

I am financially supporting her and the train will need to come out of her budget. So while I am technically paying, as it’s mainly my money she is living on, she is responsibly for how that money is spent.

I am not ashamed to say, that my children don’t always come first. It depends on the situation. I wouldn’t ditch friends because my adult dd wants a lift short notice, unless it’s an emergency.

Ds was a bit unwell in December and wanted me to stay home for the day, when I was going out. He didn’t want leaving with dp and wanted his mum I was out for the day because it was my mums funeral. I wasn’t missing it and my dad needed me more that day that my son. I did keep in touch and came home earlier, than planned. But I couldn’t put his wants first. He actually ended up having a fun day with dp in the house.

Putting kids first in every situation, even when their are adults is doing poor parenting in my opinion. I know people who were brought up like this and struggle with adult life quite a lot.

gamerchick · 14/09/2022 06:41

Ah who dug this up?

Andromachehadabadday · 14/09/2022 06:48

gamerchick · 14/09/2022 06:41

Ah who dug this up?

Didn’t spot that! Thank you 😊

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