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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Mother's Day

65 replies

QuirkyTurtle · 02/03/2022 08:53

What are you girls doing for it?

I'll send a card to my stepson's mother as usual. I'm sure my SO will give me a card on my stepson's behalf too (he's 2.5 so doesn't understand mother's day).

I think the US has adopted the Sunday after mother's day as 'stepmother's day' so we may start implementing that as well! Once my stepson is old enough that will be up to him to decide of course but I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope he'd consider me when making cards at nursery / school haha.

Do your stepkids recognise you at all on this day?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

thefootballcoacheswife · 02/03/2022 11:15

I will take my step sons to get a card and present for their Mum. We will offer to return them to her early for the day as it falls on her weekend. She will very likely say no as she did last year (and then later claim we hadn't offered).
It's a rough day for step mums Mother's Day, (or it can be). Well done to those trying to ensure it's positive for the children involved.

Bdhntbis · 02/03/2022 11:36

Normally DSD doesn’t recognise it with me as she’s with her own mum but she now lives with us so I’m not sure as she’s old enough to decide herself

Bdhntbis · 02/03/2022 11:37

In the past we used to help DSD make something or choose a present for her mum but her mum didn’t do it for Father’s Day so we leave that to her side to sort out now

Tigertealeaves · 02/03/2022 12:55

DP will get DSC to do something for their mum.

The first year of us having a DD together, he remembered to buy cards for his mum and his ex but not me I'm not even 'into' mothers' day but it did sting to have him recognise ex and not me.

Last year he gave me the card DD made at nursery.

Never receive or expect anything from DSC despite them describing me to everyone as their step mum.

Beamur · 02/03/2022 12:59

I've never marked it with my SC and I'd be surprised to get anything from them. I met their Dad when they were old enough to do cards with school so it was never really an issue. I've never felt left out or upset - their Mum is alive and well and it's her day.

ilovemyboys3 · 02/03/2022 13:16

I wouldn't be buying my sons step mum a card, she does nothing for him and sees him once a week. My step children wouldn't buy me a card either. Their default parent in our house is my husband and their dad. I am their friend not their mum

KindlyKanga · 02/03/2022 14:31

I get what you mean but I actually really enjoy it! It's not something that's been dumped on me. fair enough, there is something nice about a card shop!

KindlyKanga · 02/03/2022 14:31

@Tigertealeaves

DP will get DSC to do something for their mum.

The first year of us having a DD together, he remembered to buy cards for his mum and his ex but not me I'm not even 'into' mothers' day but it did sting to have him recognise ex and not me.

Last year he gave me the card DD made at nursery.

Never receive or expect anything from DSC despite them describing me to everyone as their step mum.

I would be furious at this.

Ozanj · 02/03/2022 14:35

Step mums who only have the kids over the weekend - definitely not.

Step mums with DPs who have the kids 50/50 but the SM doesn’t actually get involved in parenting definitely not.

Step mums who have kids 50/50 and get involved in parenting responsibilties - yes.

Step mums who have kids 100% of the time - should be first priority on mothers day. Not stepmothers day.

ProfFloss · 02/03/2022 15:00

@Ozanj

Step mums who only have the kids over the weekend - definitely not.

Step mums with DPs who have the kids 50/50 but the SM doesn’t actually get involved in parenting definitely not.

Step mums who have kids 50/50 and get involved in parenting responsibilties - yes.

Step mums who have kids 100% of the time - should be first priority on mothers day. Not stepmothers day.

So step mums who spend their weekends (or every other) with their step children are not considered worthy of a simple annual thank you in your opinion? In my experience spending your weekends with step children means you give a lot of effort in what can be the only time off work and quality time you you have with DH.

KindlyKanga · 02/03/2022 15:06

@Ozanj

Step mums who only have the kids over the weekend - definitely not.

Step mums with DPs who have the kids 50/50 but the SM doesn’t actually get involved in parenting definitely not.

Step mums who have kids 50/50 and get involved in parenting responsibilties - yes.

Step mums who have kids 100% of the time - should be first priority on mothers day. Not stepmothers day.

So are you saying dad's who only see their kids every other weekend aren't worthy of a fathers day card?! I don't think it can be judged on time spend together. Relationships are more complex than that.

ProfFloss · 02/03/2022 15:10

What is coming out loud and clear from some posters is that step mums are worthy of doing the work of a parent but shouldn’t be given a simple thank you for it!
I don’t know any step mum who wants to be the SC’s mum and most recognise that mum is to be rewarded, but it takes very little effort to say thank you to a step mum on mothers day in recognition of her hard work.

KindlyKanga · 02/03/2022 15:23

I guess it depends a lot on the relationship. I don't really do much "parenting" so in my mind DH is more deserving of a mothers day card from DSC than me.

Beamur · 02/03/2022 16:10

My SC's are nice people (adults themselves now) and always get me something for birthdays and Christmas. That's enough for me.
It's nice if you have younger ones that have a good relationship with their step parents, but the whole 'mothers day' can be a bit loaded for some people.

strawberrystrawberry · 02/03/2022 16:10

@KindlyKanga

I guess it depends a lot on the relationship. I don't really do much "parenting" so in my mind DH is more deserving of a mothers day card from DSC than me.

Agreed it depends on the relationship but I also think it depends on what you class as 'parenting'. I don't discipline my SKs, that's for a parent to do. But I try to guide them even if it is something like looking both ways before they cross the road. I also do the majority of things like the washing, cooking, cleaning, bed changing and have been the one to sort out outfits for world book day and red day. Whilst I don't bath them or put them to bed every night, I am involved and I do these things to help my fiance and SKs. It can be a lot of work though, so I would definitely appreciate a thank you or card on Mother's Day (or even Step-Mother's Day) for doing it.

KindlyKanga · 02/03/2022 16:11

@strawberrystrawberry yup that to me is parenting.

strawberrystrawberry · 02/03/2022 16:26

@KindlyKanga I never really thought of it as parenting I always thought it was more helping out with the rest of the stuff

KindlyKanga · 02/03/2022 16:27

[quote strawberrystrawberry]@KindlyKanga I never really thought of it as parenting I always thought it was more helping out with the rest of the stuff[/quote]
I personally see "washing, cooking, cleaning, bed changing and have been the one to sort out outfits for world book day and red day" as the boring everyday parenting takes that get taken for granted and so very much deserving of a thank you on mothers/fathers/any time really.

Landedonfeet · 02/03/2022 16:31

2.5 years old?

How long have you been on the scene out of interest?

Original poster

QuirkyTurtle · 02/03/2022 16:55

@Landedonfeet

2.5 years old?

How long have you been on the scene out of interest?

I've lived with his dad since he was 3 months old. He was conceived of a one night stand, if you're wondering.

OP posts:

ProfFloss · 02/03/2022 17:46

Sounds like you’re being judged their OP, and not very subtly.

ProfFloss · 02/03/2022 17:46

*there

LightsoftheNorth · 02/03/2022 17:49

@Ozanj

Step mums who only have the kids over the weekend - definitely not.

Step mums with DPs who have the kids 50/50 but the SM doesn’t actually get involved in parenting definitely not.

Step mums who have kids 50/50 and get involved in parenting responsibilties - yes.

Step mums who have kids 100% of the time - should be first priority on mothers day. Not stepmothers day.

That's very proscriptive. Fortunately that isn't how it works in our house.

Original poster

QuirkyTurtle · 02/03/2022 18:12

@ProfFloss

Sounds like you’re being judged their OP, and not very subtly.

Oh I know, but I don't want to derail this into a thread about what Mumsnet thinks is or isn't acceptable in my own household.

I know that Mother's Day can be a difficult day for stepmothers, especially for childless stepmums and there isn't always a lot of appreciation.

OP posts:

Landedonfeet · 02/03/2022 18:19

Talk about seeing shadows

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