50/50 split?

[helplesshopeless]

My exh and I split up last year. We have a little girl who turned 4 in December. He basically bullied me into agreeing a 6/14 pattern (6 with him 8 with me) which I was concerned was too much to go straight into given she was used to me being her primary caregiver, however she's adapted well to it.

He's been very pushy about how it is 'his right' to have 50% custody and that this must be the split when she starts school. He's just emailed me proposing a 2/2/3 pattern from September. I HATE this for her as she'll constantly be chopping and changing between homes and it just feels like she'll be all over the place. Nevermind changing up her routine again, that she's just settled into, when she's going to have a big change in starting school to adjust to as well.

There's loads of issues around him being very unpleasant and having a nasty temper, but with that aside, can anyone let me know if they have this kind of 2/2/3 pattern and if it works for the child(ren)? Or can anyone recommend any other patterns that offer 50% split that would provide more consistency for the child? He's just determined to have his share without thinking about the impact on her

DH and his ex agreed 50:50 and it worked well. We did change what that actually looked like several times though.
When they were at primary school we did a change midweek and alternate weekends. So the midweek changed too, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday being the change days. At high school the midweek swap became onerous and the kids asked to do weeks/weekends and swap but that was harder to work out so eventually we went 7/7 which was tough on the parent that didn't get to see them for a week plus the weekend, but we live close and there were no rules to say no contact in that time, so they used to do lifts/clubs, the odd meal, etc.

My exH and I do quite an odd pattern but it works for us…
He has them Sun - weds morning, drops them at school
I pick up from school Weds and keep them until either Saturday evening or Sunday morning (alternate weeks)

We did this mainly because ExH has a job that is busier at weekends so he didn’t want a whole weekend unable to work. It works for us and the boys have no problem with it, they know which days they’re with who.

Holidays we tend to stick to the days unless one of us asks for more time as we want to take them away and we’re flexible about birthdays/family occasions etc.

We do 5/5 apart from school holidays which are split slightly differently but are still 50/50.
It just means the changeover day changes every time but it works well. DS is happy and he gets to go to all of his clubs and activities-we are just very organised about what he needs.

So my ex and I are both shift workers. Our rotas change month to month including nights so we meet for a coffee once a month and plan each month in advance which works out near 50/50 (sometimes 60/40 either way dependant on holidays etc)

I draw DD a monthly plan so she knows who she's with for how many nights and thankfully she's adapted so well (6yo)
I feel this is partly because not much as changed from when we were a couple as we'd go the same length of time without seeing her due to shifts, the only difference being not living in the same place.

That said, we're mostly amicable (obvs the odd difference of opinion no one's perfect) do not feel you need to agree to anything if you're being bullied. Seek legal advice, potentially an impartial mediator. It can work but it needs to be sensitively handled and based on mutual respect. If you don't feel you have that then set days/nights should be placed legally.

I wish you all the best

@helplesshopeless

Thanks *@wildseas*. I always always offer for him to take her out for a morning/afternoon or something on my weekends as well, as I appreciate that on those weeks he doesn't see her from Thursday until the following Tuesday, but he always turns it down (presumably to maintain his argument that the gap in that part of the current pattern is too large). He wants everything on his terms in a way that conveniences him.

If you're not already I'd make these offers in writing, email or text and screenshot/keep a record. If he replays by say phone you can email/text a follow up, so say just confirming as per conversation today that you're not going to see DD at X date and time as per offer of extra contact on X date. This won't look good for him if you end up in court.

2/2/3 and 2/2/5/5 are the same thing.
Eg: Week 1 Mon+ Tuesday with Mum
Wed + Thurs with Dads
Fri/Sat/Sun with Mum this time
Week 2 Mon + Tuesday with Mum
Wed + Thurs with Dad
Fri/Sat/Sun with Dad this time.

2/2/3 is just what it looks like over a single week. Over two weeks it becomes clear it’s actually 2/2/5/5 (or 5/5/2/2 is you do week 2’s pattern then Week 1’s pattern)

There's loads of issues around him being very unpleasant and having a nasty temper

And your six year old is on her own with him for six days straight without your protection?

I'm sorry but nothing that goes on in the eight days she's with you could be 'healing' enough to be worth that arrangement. Poor child.

@helplesshopeless how are you getting on? We do 2/2/3 here. It's not the same as 2/2/5 as someone suggested above. It's Mon, Tue stay at parent 1, Parent 1 drops at school, parent 2 collects. Wed, Thu stay at parent 2, Fri, Sat, Sun stay at parent 1, Then Mon, Tue parent 2, Wed, Thu parent 1 etc. Been doing it for over 2 years now.

It sounds complex but once you get into it - it is ok. We use a family calendar on our phones to manage it. We also drew up a parenting plan - Google that and you'll get a template to follow. I found that very helpful for communicating and I wish we'd done something like this when our child was born and we were together!

It took me a long time to get used to this way of living. You just expect to see your child every day. My daughter was 9 when it started. She got her mind round the routine very quickly, knew where she was going to be etc.

I must say I find the weekends when I don't have her a struggle but the 2 free weekday nights are pleasant and a rest after working all day.

The disadvantage of this routine is that the week nights are not consistent so you can't do a regular class/group. But i didn't want to have 5 nights of not seeing her, so it seemed like the best option at the time. You need to be very organised and have the same clothes, toys etc at both homes. Our homes are now 10 min walking distance - that really helps. I would say in these circumstances it was an ok option and you do see your child very regularly. You will see her more frequently than you do just now.

But it sounds like you've managed to cope with 6 nights apart already, so why does he want to change it now? Why is this extra night necessary in his opinion? Is it to do with child support or is it just about control? Would the best compromise be week about like others have suggested. If you can handle 6 nights, could you do 7?

I don't think my daughter would have coped well with being away from me for much more than 3 nights. I wouldn't say she has enjoyed this way of living. The split came out of the blue and has been a struggle. She hates living split between the 2 homes.

I am interested in what @TipToeStep said about Camhs and the main home. Can you elaborate on that? My daughter (now 11) is now saying that she doesn't want to follow this routine and mainly wants to stay with me. Circumstances have moved on and dad has a g/f and she doesn't want to hang around with them playing happy families. It's become very stressful and traumatic and she can't settle at her dad's. So we are in the process of changing it. I suppose this is the nature of co-parenting and you need to adapt. The Parenting Plan helps with this aspect as you are supposed to regularly review it.

I feel for you. It's very difficult to know what to do for the best.