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Step-parenting

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Original poster

50/50 split?

34 replies

helplesshopeless · 01/03/2022 13:57

My exh and I split up last year. We have a little girl who turned 4 in December. He basically bullied me into agreeing a 6/14 pattern (6 with him 8 with me) which I was concerned was too much to go straight into given she was used to me being her primary caregiver, however she's adapted well to it.

He's been very pushy about how it is 'his right' to have 50% custody and that this must be the split when she starts school. He's just emailed me proposing a 2/2/3 pattern from September. I HATE this for her as she'll constantly be chopping and changing between homes and it just feels like she'll be all over the place. Nevermind changing up her routine again, that she's just settled into, when she's going to have a big change in starting school to adjust to as well.

There's loads of issues around him being very unpleasant and having a nasty temper, but with that aside, can anyone let me know if they have this kind of 2/2/3 pattern and if it works for the child(ren)? Or can anyone recommend any other patterns that offer 50% split that would provide more consistency for the child? He's just determined to have his share without thinking about the impact on her Sad

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD1 · 01/03/2022 14:07

Most families I know who do 50:50 do the weekly routine. It can often work best if the swap over day is a school day to minimise contact between the parents.

Have you had legal advice?

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2022 14:09

Have you had mediation? You don’t have to bullied into what suits him and hang how DD feels. That contact plan sounds unworkable and shit. I wouldn’t cope with that at all, it’s too much chopping and changing and she’ll never know where she’s sleepily each night.

Watchingpeppa12 · 01/03/2022 14:10

Eughh sounds like my exh. 50/50 split is 9/10 about the parents needs and wants not the child’s. I’d say no and let him to take you to court, highly unlikely he’d get it.

QuirkyTurtle · 01/03/2022 14:10

What's the distance between your houses / between your house and school?

My stepson is 2.5 years old and we do 2/2/3. Reason being that week on, week off would have been too long to spend away from his mum. He doesn't go to school of course, just nursery for now. I can't say it has messed with his routine, but I think that is largely due to the fact that we started doing it pretty early on and he doesn't know a different life.

But we live 15mins drive from each other and nursery is in the middle. If the distance is considerable this may not be a feasible setup.

bounce89 · 01/03/2022 14:12

We did 4/4 I hated it but the kids loved it and settled quickly. I wouldn't have agreed to 2/2/3 too much confusion for dc over when change over is and if they've got everything they want to take with them.

Don't agree to anything you're not comfortable with.

JustOneMoreNameChange · 01/03/2022 14:44

Personally I think children do better with a really solid "base" so chopping and changing isn't helpful for them to feel secure and grounded. Then there's always the confusion about where stuff is (and losing things between houses).

Some families do more 5/2/2/5 so you still alternate weekends but the pattern is over a fortnight not over a week. It reduces the changeovers.

HeckyPeck · 01/03/2022 15:23

I would say no and that the current routine works best for DD.

Don't let him bully you OP. If you can't agree it would be a judge who decides not you and they do tend to stick with the status quo where it's working.

CherylPorter350 · 01/03/2022 16:29

When I did 50/50 we done week about. Week started on a Monday. He'd drop off at school/nursery...id collect and I'd have them till drop off the following Monday

motherofdragons54 · 01/03/2022 16:32

You don't have to agree. Try mediation and outline the reasons why you think it wouldn't work for your daughter. If he doesn't see sense after that then it may go to court where the decision will be out of your hands but at least you can still state your preferences and have a third party make the decision rather than rolling over and letting him dictate to you.

If he is a bully he will be used to getting his own way, but you need to advocate for your dd if you don't think he's acting in her interests.

Valcaarrey · 02/03/2022 02:33

Completely logically it would at first thought seem best that dad drops child off at school Friday, mum collects from school Friday and has child u til following Friday when she drops child off at school, dad collects from school that Friday and so on.

However it will be hard as you don’t see the child for a week - can the parents and child cope with that? Distance from school? Weekend activities? What about special occasions? Holidays? Who pays for things eg child needs school uniform and everything to start school again in September on dads week does he pay for everything? Child needs new shoes on mums week does she pay for them? Would this all even out? Can child contact the other parent during the opposite weeks? How? How often? Dentist/doctor appointments, parents evenings etc should be discussed as well.

Can you go for mediation or do you have a neutralish third party to help?

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 02/03/2022 02:40

Thanks so much everyone for your thoughts. I just can't believe he's so hellbent on 50% that he thinks this pattern is a good idea for her.

@JustOneMoreNameChange I totally agree about having a solid 'base' with lots of access to the other parent. He knows my primary concern has always been about how the pattern would work for her but if I say that she needs a base of one main home with lots of regular access to the other parent, he'd then say fine, her base can be with him. I don't have a decent argument against that other than I've always been her primary caregiver and she's happy as things are.

@Watchingpeppa12 when you say it's highly unlikely he'd get 50%, is this speaking from experience? What happened in your case?

@CagneyNYPD1 yes, I had the support of a solicitor in agreeing the original pattern. We didn't use mediation as he was behaving horrifically and I knew mediation wouldn't be helpful when he was being so manipulative. I think the weekly block is awful too though, I couldn't cope with a whole week of not seeing her and I don't see how that's in her interests at all.

The current pattern is every Tues/weds night with him plus every other weekend which consists of Fri and sat night. She's in nursery tues/weds/Fri so that pattern worked in terms of consistency for her. It was the absolute upper limit of what I was happy to agree to but when she starts school I won't have the argument of the pattern needing to work around her being with me on my nonworkdays.

Urgh, I hate it all of this.

OP posts:
Petsop · 02/03/2022 03:17

. I don't have a decent argument against that other than I've always been her primary caregiver and she's happy as things are.

That’s all you need. A 4 year old needs a solid base with a primary care giver. My 4 year old couldn’t do a week without me. We do Wednesday eve and all day Saturday for my 2 and 4 year old. Courts were fine with that.

Watchingpeppa12 · 02/03/2022 06:33

@Watchingpeppa12 yes from experience, and multiple attempts! It really ONLY works when the parents are very local and very amicable! That’s the only time I’d say they’d grant it. Your little one is only small, a home base is so important at this age.

BingeOnChocolate · 02/03/2022 06:51

We do 2-2-5-5 since DSD started school a few years ago and likes as she knows where she will be. It's effectively 2 set nights during the week with each parent so Mon/Tues with A and Wed/Thurs with B then the weekend with both alternative weeks. It's meant DSD can go to her clubs full time when with us instead of every other week and she knows if anything is on a particular day, which parent it is she needs to speak too.

BingeOnChocolate · 02/03/2022 06:57

Also you need to consider half terms because the courts requested these be split and alternated. She will be away from you for a week at a time on those especially the 6 week holidays as they can be alternate weeks such as Friday to Friday. Again, we do Parent A October half term, Parent B Feb half term for example and then the year after parent B gets October and A has Feb. As they are a week long, the weekends with other parent never changes so if parent B has the half term but it's As weekend right as the schools break up then B will collect evening on the Monday.

There's only 7-8 handovers where contact is made at other parents house. All other handovers are via the school which we found minimised games & also made it easier for DSD.

TipToeStep · 02/03/2022 08:29

I recently had a conversation about this with someone who worked for CAMHS…apparently the 50/50 split is no longer seen as in the best interest of the children as they need a main home. This should also be the place that they wake up on Christmas morning, birthdays, etc which goes against the alternate years - as hard as that is for the parents.

We have DSD Fri - Tues EOW. This changes when she starts school to Fri-Sun EOW and half of the holidays (not sure of split yet) when she starts school. We do live about 50miles away though, if we were closer then it would have been EOW plus a night midweek.

TipToeStep · 02/03/2022 08:31

The lived closer EOW would have been Fri-Sun, I didn’t make that clear

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 02/03/2022 08:49

Thank you everyone Thanks

@Valcaarrey I missed your post when I made mine (up fretting in the night!). I think we'd manage practical things well actually, we'd just deal with whatever fell on the time with us whether it be appointments or buying new clothes etc.

I forgot to mention we live very closely together so that's not an issue.

@bounce89 how does 4/4 work? Does it just gradually shift over the week so sometimes you'd have changeover mid weekend?

@BingeOnChocolate 2/2/5/5 sounds interesting. Do the courts typically want the holidays split like that, or was that something you agreed through court but were amenable to?

@TipToeStep really good to hear about camhs changing their 50/50 stance! It just makes no sense to me for a small child to have them split in half like that.

For those who do have 50/50, how did you teach that agreement? Was it court ordered or did you agree it between yourselves?

OP posts:
QuirkyTurtle · 02/03/2022 09:49

For those who do have 50/50, how did you teach that agreement? Was it court ordered or did you agree it between yourselves?

We've never been to court, it was agreed amongst the parents. Mostly it was my stepson's mother who decided it would be in her son's best interest to spend equal time with dad.

But we all get on great and live close to each other, so it's an entirely different situation from the one you are in.

wildseas · 02/03/2022 09:58

Could you offer to stick to the current arrangement on school weeks, but do 50/50 for holiday weeks with each parent having a full week at a time?

That gives dad more time but keeps the consistency for your daughter during term time.

ilovemyboys3 · 02/03/2022 13:27

Urgghh it's so frustrating for you. I would hate to have 50/50 split with my son. I am a firm believer children need a home ("base") to call and feel at home. It's reasonable for them to have a bedroom at the other parents house and to have things there but they need a home. What he's suggesting sounds awful and the child would be forever packing her bag up to take to the other parents. I don't see how this is in the child's best interest at all 😔

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 02/03/2022 13:57

@wildseas the problem with that is that he'd then be stuck juggling her at home in the school holidays with his work, so I don't think he'd agree to that as it's less convenient for him.

@ilovemyboys3 that is exactly what I think, and to be honest I absolutely hate this whole thing for her. I'm dreading her getting older and looking back at this, wishing I'd made a different decision/fought for something else for her. I'm just so torn over what is actually best for her, she's already with him 6/14, so is there really much more of a benefit to hold onto that extra night with me if that results in him being so much more difficult to coparent with (which will surely impact her too). I'm just going round in complete circles 😭

What does everyone think about this:

Current arrangement = at his every Tues and weds night, and every other Fri/sat

New arrangement from sept = at his every Tues and weds, every other Fri/sat (as usual,), plus the week preceding my weekend he also has her Thursday night? It's not ideal but it is just a small extension of the current arrangement and is less disruptive in terms of different days each week.

OP posts:
wildseas · 02/03/2022 14:03

@helplesshopeless

Hmmm thats an interesting reply. I don't know if you'd be willing to push it as far as court but in general if you offered reasonable time and he turned it down then I think that would be very favourable to you in court. Especially if it was because he didn't want to juggle child/work - which he'd have to do if he was 50/50.

Maybe something to reflect on. . .

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 02/03/2022 14:05

Thanks @wildseas. I always always offer for him to take her out for a morning/afternoon or something on my weekends as well, as I appreciate that on those weeks he doesn't see her from Thursday until the following Tuesday, but he always turns it down (presumably to maintain his argument that the gap in that part of the current pattern is too large). He wants everything on his terms in a way that conveniences him.

OP posts:
wildseas · 02/03/2022 14:07

Whatever you decide about contact keep every single text/email where he turns down contact you have offered him!!! They will be invaluable if he does ever take this to court for 50/50.