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Original poster

Ex has 'regrets'

28 replies

TwoPenguins · 24/02/2022 13:33

My DP and I recently got engaged. We have a very good relationship with his ex-wife and have their two children 50/50. I like her and I think she likes me too.

Just heard from a friend that she recently told them that she has regrets about their marriage ending and that she misses him. Backstory is she broke up their marriage whilst pregnant because she felt he was 'boring'. Absolutely broke his heart. It has impacted on him hugely and he misses his kids so much when he does not get to see them for half the week. She has stayed single as far as I know.

We got together and I cannot put into words how much I love him. He is not even remotely 'boring' (whatever that means). He is the most wonderful, stable, kind and reliable partner and father and I cannot believe how lucky I am to have such a person as my fiancé. I think he feels the same. He says he does. I hope he does.

Despite the fact that I think I feel very secure in a solid, happy relationship, I know that it was not his choice to end their marriage. He had been happy until she called it quits. I know he misses his kids. I don't think he would ever go back even if she did ask, but I can't help but feel sad and upset that she is now saying this. I wish my friend had never told me. I'd like to think his ex did not intend for this to ever get back to either me or DP. We have a good relationship, but I feel so angry at her (probably unfair as she has not said this to either of us at present). I am angry at my friend for telling me. I am annoyed at myself for feeling insecure when DP has never given me any reason to be.

Any advice?

OP posts:
QuirkyTurtle · 24/02/2022 13:37

I can completely understand why you would feel angry and upset. I would, too. But we can't control people's feelings and as long as she doesn't act on it, this doesn't need to affect your relationships, both with your partner and with her.

Best of luck x

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 24/02/2022 13:38

My advice is to get better friends.

Someone confided in them and they came running straight back to you and blabbed about their private chat. I can only imagine what they say to the ex about you too.

The ex has done nothing wrong, the 'friend' absolutely has.

Bdhntbis · 24/02/2022 13:45

Hmm yes I’d be annoyed that this had been passed back to me. However was this said after you got engaged? As it’s not uncommon for someone to think like that when the ex they moved on from makes a clear point that they’re moving on; they don’t really mean it but you being engaged has prompted that.

Thesearmsofmine · 24/02/2022 13:50

I would distance myself from said friend.
It is ok and probably normal for the ex to have regrets about how things went but that doesn’t mean she i wants him back.

Gowithme · 24/02/2022 13:58

Hmmm why is she confiding this in a friend that she knows full well is also a good friend of yours? It's not the person I'd choose to talk to unless it was to stir up trouble. Now you're in an uncomfortable situation. Personally I think the best thing to do would just be open and honest with your OH and tell him. Keeping secrets like that is just going to make things messy and better he is prepared for it if she does decide to try anything on. I would not say anything to her about you both knowing though.

Suprima · 24/02/2022 14:01

Your friend is telling her whatever you say in confidence too- remember that.

DPotter · 24/02/2022 14:08

A word in support of your friend - maybe she was trying to give you a heads-up that ex may be trying to get back with your fiance ? A case of damned if she says something and damned if she doesn't ? Only you know what type of friend she is - the "gossipy, throw-away comments" type or the "I'm looking out for my pal" type.

NewYear8909 · 24/02/2022 14:16

I would try to forget it. When an ex you don’t like gets engaged it stirs up all sorts of feelings, never mind an ex that you have 2 children with. What she is feeling is probably perfectly normal, it doesn’t mean she wants to act on it, and she was probably just offloading to a friend expecting it to go no further... He is engaged to you, he has chosen to marry you, try and focus on that.

lunar1 · 24/02/2022 14:22

It sounds like this must be a mutual friend who is enjoying wielding her big wooden spoon to be honest.

She's put you in a horrible position, it's not like you can find out if it's true is it? Even if we does feel this way sometimes, has she done or said anything to either of you to suggest problems?

Take her as you find her and distance yourself from the friend.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/02/2022 14:27

Find a new friend. She is nothing but a shit-stirring viper and you can't trust her.

TryingToBeLogical · 24/02/2022 14:27

This made my jaw drop as I’m wondering what your friend was thinking when she told you that. I have a business colleague who feels compelled to pass on negative comments made by others in that manner. I always wonder what that person is hoping by doing that. She can’t possibly think it’s going to make the listener feel good!?

Given the way the ex-wife treated your partner, I’m glad to hear she has regrets about her abysmal behavior!! Hopefully what she was expressing was simply regret about her own role in causing someone harm, rather than any type of plotting.

My learning would be, never ever tell this friend anything in confidence!

Original poster
TwoPenguins · 24/02/2022 15:45

Agree not a good friend. What makes it worse is that she really is his ex's friend and I just also know her through work. Which is worse as kind of a massive betrayal of her trust if confided in this friend. I will most certainly keep any contact to this 'friend' to an absolute minimum.

@Bdhntbis, yes this happened not long after we told her about engagement. So hopefully it's just that, some kind of momentary wobble, that she did not actually mean.

@TryingToBeLogical or that. I really hope that is exactly what it is.

@Gowithme that is basically my biggest worry. That ex meant for it to get back to me and therefor DP, thereby putting it out there and seeing how he reacts. But I am trying to not let myself go there as she does not have form for stuff like that at all.

Don't know whether to tell DP and essentially create more drama or just to leave it be and pretend it never happened. But then DP and I talk about everything, so probably weirder to not tell him. Gaaah. I am so annoyed at this situation even being a 'thing'.

OP posts:
bbtatoes · 24/02/2022 15:52

Daft cow.

Politely distance yourself.

Bellex · 24/02/2022 16:07

My friend was in a similar position apart from her DP ex left for another man and they split 5 years later which co in sided with their engagement.

Like most of the comments above, it’ll most likely be your engagement that has caused this because now there really isn’t going back. He’s proposed to you and the door is officially closed (even though in reality it already was).

Your friend might of being trying to do the right thing, in those situations I hate being the person to be the middle if I like both of you because it weighs on my mind on which is the right thing to do.

Completely understandable to be upset. But he chose to move out, met you and built a new life. It’ll always be hard having his kids half time and when they’re older less so as they want to do other things but clearly his kids are important to him and you wouldn’t be in their life if didn’t think it was forever.

Tattler2 · 24/02/2022 16:07

OP, there should not be anything that you cannot tell your spouse, but there will be things that no good can or will come from telling him. This information probably falls into that category.

What you know with certainty is that the person who told you this information cannot be trusted as a confidant.

Post divorce regrets and questioning often happen but it.rarely has to do with wanting the ex back.

Maybe, the friend is somewhat jealous of your happiness. Maybe she is a mischief stirrer. You may never know her motivation and perhaps she doesn't really know her on motivation. What you know is that she is not capable of keeping a confidence.

Move on with your life and plans. Nothing that this friend has shared should alter or modify your future plans.

PainterMummy · 24/02/2022 16:20

The ex may have said this as you’ve just gotten engaged. Brings it home to her that he is moving on

However, are you engaged to be married or this new thing “engaged” but there’s no intention to get married. Big difference

If you’re engaged to be married, you’re actually planning a marriage ceremony, have a date/timeline in mind, then he’s really moved on. Don’t be worried.

larkstar · 24/02/2022 16:31

Ask her straight and explain why you are asking her - kick it all out in the open - it may not be what you think it is - perhaps your friend is mistaken in what she told you - go after the truth - always best to think about keeping the channels of communication open so try and be as tactful as you can but you can't control the outcome of every awkward conversation - it might put your mind at rest or put you in the picture - no good burying your head in the sand or these thoughts that are making you anxious.

Original poster
TwoPenguins · 24/02/2022 16:31

Thanks this is really helpful.

And @PainterMummy engaged to be married! Date set for this summer no big ceremony or anything as it's just not my/our thing, so not a huge amount of planning to do. And I am sooo excited. Not cool, I know - but I am so looking forward to it. And we have now also just decided to try to start trying for a baby (she of course does not know that). So I think he is definitely all in.

OP posts:
Tattler2 · 24/02/2022 17:01

OP, I would not start trying for a baby right off in a new marriage with a partner who already has 2 children. I would want to be certain that the marriage is on solid footing, that my relationship with his children has not changed with my change in status, and that he does not want a new new child to affirm to himself and others that he has truly moved on .

Give yourself time as a married couple to develop and solidify before you become a parent. Find your footing as a wife and stepmother. If age or fertility issues are not a problem wherein lies the rush to have a baby before you know how you will function as a married couple?

The one lesson that you both should have learned from his prior experience is that a child alone is not sufficient to sustain a marriage.

Associatepeggy · 24/02/2022 17:21

The ex hasn't done anything wrong. She confided in a friend she regrets what she did. Doesn't mean she is going to try and get him back or even that she would try if he was single.

Sometimes we regret things but life has moved on and we still don't want to go back to how things were. It's just a wistful thought.

The friend has broken her confidence by telling you, someone she knows theough work. Unless it was accompanied with 'I am going to sabotage their wedding and get him back', there was no benefit to her telling you. For anyone. Not the ex and not you. She wasn't stuck in the middle. If she considered herself good friends with you both, she really should b3 better at keeping the friendships separate.

I really don't think there's anything to worry about. Apart from what this friend is telling her about what you say.

MeridianB · 24/02/2022 17:50

My focus is on the ‘friend’ too! She is either making this up to stir or sharing a confidence to stir. Avoid her!

I wouldn’t mention it to DP. I’m sure he knows anyway. Just put it out of your mind.

Original poster
TwoPenguins · 24/02/2022 17:51

@Associatepeggy

The ex hasn't done anything wrong. She confided in a friend she regrets what she did. Doesn't mean she is going to try and get him back or even that she would try if he was single.

Sometimes we regret things but life has moved on and we still don't want to go back to how things were. It's just a wistful thought.

The friend has broken her confidence by telling you, someone she knows theough work. Unless it was accompanied with 'I am going to sabotage their wedding and get him back', there was no benefit to her telling you. For anyone. Not the ex and not you. She wasn't stuck in the middle. If she considered herself good friends with you both, she really should b3 better at keeping the friendships separate.

I really don't think there's anything to worry about. Apart from what this friend is telling her about what you say.

True. But can confidently say I have not said anything I'd have an issue with his ex hearing about. Like I said, genuinely quite like the woman. She's a fantastic mum, nice person and easy to get on with. I cannot get my head around her breaking up with DP but a) yay for me and b) I am not her, I was not in their relationship and cannot possibly know what it was like for her.
OP posts:
Bopahula · 24/02/2022 17:56

I think your "friend" was awful.

But just to put some context around it. I ended things with my ex, for very good reason. I get on with him and his lovely new wife, but I felt a pang of wistfulness when he got engaged. He'd decided all the things I begged and begged him to do during our marriage (date nights, cinema, fun stuff) he was going to go and now do with his new partner.

It was more of a moment of well that's harsh.
I didn't really want him back.

I went to their wedding. It's all fine now and he's still a muppet (in my opinion), he's just less boring now.

Associatepeggy · 24/02/2022 18:10

True. But can confidently say I have not said anything I'd have an issue with his ex hearing about. Like I said, genuinely quite like the woman. She's a fantastic mum, nice person and easy to get on with. I cannot get my head around her breaking up with DP but a) yay for me and b) I am not her, I was not in their relationship and cannot possibly know what it was like for her.

Sorry, I wasn't suggesting you had said anything. But shit stirrers like to add their own bits in for drama.

I just meant I don't think you have anything to worry about in your relationship. The only vague concern (and yiu can't do anything about it anyway) would be having anything to do with the friend other than when you must for work.

Original poster
TwoPenguins · 24/02/2022 18:20

@Bopahula

I think your "friend" was awful.

But just to put some context around it. I ended things with my ex, for very good reason. I get on with him and his lovely new wife, but I felt a pang of wistfulness when he got engaged. He'd decided all the things I begged and begged him to do during our marriage (date nights, cinema, fun stuff) he was going to go and now do with his new partner.

It was more of a moment of well that's harsh.
I didn't really want him back.

I went to their wedding. It's all fine now and he's still a muppet (in my opinion), he's just less boring now.

Thank you for your perspective. Who knows maybe it was something along those lines. Sorry your husband was such a muppet but glad it all turned out well for both of you x
OP posts: