Contact schedule

[Blendiful]

Posted this in line parents aswell but putting here also for traffic and for a different point of view.

This is about my own DC but there are step parents to them (my DP and exh DP)

My own DC have contact with their dad each week. However he works shifts and his days and times change every single week. So far the kids have gone when he is off so each week different days, this can be 2-3 days at a time, no days or 1 day here, 1 day there.

It is a nightmare, the kids don’t know where they are, it’s almost impossible to have any routine and the kids have stuff they want to do and things they do with us.

We also have my DP’s kids pretty much 50/50 but they have a set routine.

I have told exH This cannot continue for many reasons. There have been issues with both my DC recently behaviour wise and part of this issue is no routine, and different rules and expectations at each house. We are quite set and fixed in rules, exh isnt. One DC has additional needs which mean he needs consistency and to know where he stands, so this is a nightmare for him. He also has some medical needs which exh has largely ignored making it worse (not life threatening, more socially difficult and will restrict what he can do with friends etc).

I do 90% of the parenting, and all of the menial tasks (homework, health appts, parents eve etc). He does none of this.

I am now suggesting the kids go each week Fri-sun. Mainly reasons for this are Sunday is exh most consistent day off, and if he’s off in the week they can go for tea if it doesn’t fall on a day we have plans.

He constantly moans that the kids are doing stuff on ‘his time’ but this is because they have a life, they have activities and clubs and we all do an activity together as a family twice a week with people at my house. He expects them to drop what they are doing should he happen to be off that day which IMO just isn’t realistic and the kids don’t want to.

The issue with this arrangement I guess is that his new DP will have to “look after’’ the kids if he’s working on the days they are going. However my DP does this regularly as I also work full time and the kids go so ad-hoc my DP is often the one home when my kids are and I’m at work. If she doesn’t want to I am happy to keep them with us.

Just wondered what other parents/step parents view would be on this.

AIBU to suggest this. I think we’ve just all had enough and I’m constantly left picking up the pieces while we all rally round him to make sure he has ‘quality time’ whilst sacrificing my own and the kids! If I only had the pleasure of being responsible for the kids when I was off work that would be great.

@Ozanj

You don’t just get dc on your days off, why should he? 50:50 on set days is best for the kids and he either needs to convince his dp involved, get a new job, or dump both. At the moment everything seems to be going his way which is ridiculous considering you’re working f/t and doing all the hard work around parenting.

This is alot of my points. If I had the luxury of having the kids only when off omg life would be so easy! I wouldn’t want that because I would always want ideally 50/50 but the point is I don’t get a choice in that at all. None of this works around my job, I have to find alternative arrangements or ask my DP.

If he asks his DP or not is his choice and I don’t expect him to but he has family he could ask too.

It seems very his way, and not the kids way or my way and I don’t get why we are all running round to accommodate him when none of us seem to get anything back.

The kids are teens he is welcome to ask them on other days if they want to go to his and him sort it.

I'm sure you don't run their social lives for them anymore.

I would read up on grey rock and ignore the whining. He can try take it to court if he's that bothered.

Is the amount of nights he has dependant on his childsupport contributions?

@TuscanApothecary

Is the amount of nights he has dependant on his childsupport contributions?

No as moaned about that too so I told him not to bother

Well for your peace of mind you're going to have to make a decision, hold the decision and the boundary and crack on. If he doesn't like it he can take you to court but with teens it won't go far. Rip the plaster off, short term stress but overall you'll start feeling less stressed and so will your dc. You've given him ample opportunity to work something else out. Set the Sunday night in stone and explain the add hoc week nights don't work anymore. You're going to get ill with stress otherwise.

I’m sorry to hear you’re so poorly and under pressure, OP.

Has he just ground you down with moaning until it’s not worth asking him to do anything? Not paying maintenance is criminal. What a self-cantered arse he is.

Is there any scope to just try once more to tell him what you need and ask him to do and pay his share?

In a similar situation. My view is that as the kids are becoming adults they will naturally see less of parents e.g. weekend contact will be reduced due to DC having their own life with part-time jobs, seeing boy/girl friends, hobbies etc. A more adult pattern of seeing parents/grandparents needs to develop. I have set up for Dad to contact teens directly to invite them/arrange contact. They can say yes or no. I have supported them to say no. He does guilt trip them but less and less. Over time when he has forced the issue, the kids have shown they are unhappy to be with him and nobody has had a good time. Likewise the kids invite him to their concerts, matches etc but he usually declines which makes it seem more reasonable for them to do the same. I think kids do eventually see the dynamic but the process is quite stressful.

I empathise with you OP. My EXDP refuses to let me know what weekends he is having our DC any more than a month in advance, he usually tries 2 weeks. Partly because he still wants to control me, partly because he can't commit to anything (one of the reasons I left him). He's not a shift worker, though earns a very good salary doing almost sod all WfH.

I try and manage his behaviour as best I can; I don't allow my EXDP wanting to see the DC to interfere with plans I've made for the DC, e.g. if I've bought tickets to a show months in advance, or got a weekend away booked for them with a friend and her DC, and he asks 2 weeks beforehand if he can them, I won't change our plans. I always offer him the next available weekend, which he accepts as a consequence of his lack of planning, and he usually takes it.

My DC are also booked into expensive weekly clubs which I pay for (EXDP does not contribute, and no, his paltry maintenance does not cover it). Due to the way EXDP books his weekends with them, on average he takes them to their activities once every 3 or 4 weeks. I wouldn't not book them into weekly activities on the off chance that EXDP might not like it. Again, this is something he has to accept, given his inconsistent contact schedule.

What I'm saying here OP, as that it's not your fault your EXDH isn't the father you want him to be to your DC. Given their ages, this is now the time your DC are finding out who their DF is, and all you can do is support them through that. You've spent too many years accommodating him and his schedule, so propose a consistent schedule which works for your DC, and if he misses some, that's down to him, not you. Yes, your DC will be upset, which your EXDH will have caused, and you can only provide your DC with the tools to manage the emotions they feel whenever your EXDH centres himself, as it sounds like he frequently does.

@MeridianB

I’m sorry to hear you’re so poorly and under pressure, OP.

Has he just ground you down with moaning until it’s not worth asking him to do anything? Not paying maintenance is criminal. What a self-cantered arse he is.

Is there any scope to just try once more to tell him what you need and ask him to do and pay his share?

To be fair he ground me down with that when we were together and his woa me attitude was a huge turn off.

And it’s not changed. He always had the attitude that his job was the be all and end all and I always accommodated by doing work around the kids. Despite when working PT my income would have matched or exceeded his if I was FT I did that any everything else.

Eventually I went FT and furthered my career and that’s kind of when it all came to show. He still expected me to do all the stuff I did before and work FT and be earning more than him. And that’s just never changed.

That’s why I don’t want his money, I earn more and would rather cover it and rather have his time (for the kids) and for him to spend that money when he has them which I hoped would be more and more of a fair share of menial tasks. But I have ended up with all the menial tasks still.

I heard ‘I have to pay you’ so many times that I just said you know what, keep it. It wasn’t worth the moaning or the hassle.

I can understand your frustration OP. Lack of routine has a lot of negative affects.

However, I personally wouldn't want my kids to be away from me every weekend. What about spending leisure time with them? Weekends away with them? You won't be able to.

I also don't think its fair for you to expect your exes partner to provide childcare for your kids while their dad is at work. Every weekend. You've essentially planned out the weekends of her life for years to come by trying that one!

It makes no sense why you'd want them to go to his when he isn't there. What's the point of contact then if they don't see their dad?

They will see him, just not all day, he is working the exact same way I am working in the week so only get to see them on the evening. He will get the morning or the evening the same as I do

@Blendiful

They will see him, just not all day, he is working the exact same way I am working in the week so only get to see them on the evening. He will get the morning or the evening the same as I do

I get what you're saying OP. You also work in the day so don't see them literally ALL day.

But as PP said further up, I can imagine your children think if yours as their home as they spend a considerable more time there. Would they really want to go and just hang around their dad's house when he's not there with his girlfriend?

And that's the other issue. It's absolutely not okay to expect his girlfriend to be present or in every weekend their Dad works. Even if they don't need any care. Maybe she just wants the house to herself? They are not her children and it's a lot to expect of her imo. I wouldn't agree to it anyway if it were me.

That's exactly what I was trying to say @Spooner56 but you've phrased it better than me