Contact schedule

[Blendiful]

Posted this in line parents aswell but putting here also for traffic and for a different point of view.

This is about my own DC but there are step parents to them (my DP and exh DP)

My own DC have contact with their dad each week. However he works shifts and his days and times change every single week. So far the kids have gone when he is off so each week different days, this can be 2-3 days at a time, no days or 1 day here, 1 day there.

It is a nightmare, the kids don’t know where they are, it’s almost impossible to have any routine and the kids have stuff they want to do and things they do with us.

We also have my DP’s kids pretty much 50/50 but they have a set routine.

I have told exH This cannot continue for many reasons. There have been issues with both my DC recently behaviour wise and part of this issue is no routine, and different rules and expectations at each house. We are quite set and fixed in rules, exh isnt. One DC has additional needs which mean he needs consistency and to know where he stands, so this is a nightmare for him. He also has some medical needs which exh has largely ignored making it worse (not life threatening, more socially difficult and will restrict what he can do with friends etc).

I do 90% of the parenting, and all of the menial tasks (homework, health appts, parents eve etc). He does none of this.

I am now suggesting the kids go each week Fri-sun. Mainly reasons for this are Sunday is exh most consistent day off, and if he’s off in the week they can go for tea if it doesn’t fall on a day we have plans.

He constantly moans that the kids are doing stuff on ‘his time’ but this is because they have a life, they have activities and clubs and we all do an activity together as a family twice a week with people at my house. He expects them to drop what they are doing should he happen to be off that day which IMO just isn’t realistic and the kids don’t want to.

The issue with this arrangement I guess is that his new DP will have to “look after’’ the kids if he’s working on the days they are going. However my DP does this regularly as I also work full time and the kids go so ad-hoc my DP is often the one home when my kids are and I’m at work. If she doesn’t want to I am happy to keep them with us.

Just wondered what other parents/step parents view would be on this.

AIBU to suggest this. I think we’ve just all had enough and I’m constantly left picking up the pieces while we all rally round him to make sure he has ‘quality time’ whilst sacrificing my own and the kids! If I only had the pleasure of being responsible for the kids when I was off work that would be great.

Your children's father should be sending his shifts schedule or more likely his available time as soon as he gets his shifts. This should be a few weeks in advance.

Virtually every single employer will be willing to do this if they are aware an employee had children. Though some will still screw their employee around at the last moment due to operational issues.

You then inform the children they are seeing their father then and if they are under 13, you sort out them going to see him between you. If they are 13+ it's up to them if they decide to see their father then.

Unfortunately for you, your children seeing their father and having a relationship with him is more important than their other activities.

Oh and if their father isn't willing to take the children to their activities in 'his" time then once they hit 12/13 he won't see them.

He can then try and take you to Court but a judge will listen to what the children want at that age.

It depends on how your exh’s DP feels about this? Personally? I wouldn’t sign up to looking after children who aren’t mine every weekend. I’d outright refuse.

I see the issue you have but I think it’s super cheeky of you to basically put your exh’s partner in this situation. Essentially if your exh’s DP says no, then effectively he will hardly see your children.

It’s not the partners responsibility to solve your and your exh childcare issues. Just because your DP looks after your children, that doesn’t mean that translates across to another household. That’s your DP’s choice.

Also, I would object to my exh planning things for the kids on my time consistently also. I see your issue and I agree kids need routine. But at the cost of hardly seeing their dad? Will that really make them happy? My kids would miss any activity in order to prioritise seeing my exh.

YANBU to expect a father to cater to his children. If his job means he can not care for them he either needs to pay for care or find a new job.

But this is not his partners problem.
Especially if there are behaviour issues.

I see the issue you have but I think it’s super cheeky of you to basically put your exh’s partner in this situation. Essentially if your exh’s DP says no, then effectively he will hardly see your children.

Absolutely. And I've never seen the point of sending the children over to see their Dad when he's not around.

I totally get the frustrations. My ex works shifts too, and usually tells me the same day, the day before if I’m lucky, that he can have DD. He always ruins her routine and her behaviour goes to shite because some days on a school day he can only pick her up at 6, meaning she stays up late cause he wants to spend time with her and is tired the next day. No advice unfortunately but you have my sympathies.

If your ex was just being flaky I'd have more sympathy but his hands are tied by shift work. Agree with pp that the compromise is that he tells you shift patterns as soon as he gets them. And no, your family home activities are not more important for the children than time with their father so stop arranging things on "his" time. Sounds to me like you are trying to marginalise F and that's just not on.

I TOTALLY sympathise.

My husband's ex works shifts and will not tell us what they are until sometimes the day of. We never know when the kids are coming to us and neither do they. She works in the NHS so definitely does get them in advance. It drives me nuts. Planning anything whether that be for ourselves or with the kids is absolutely impossible, school holiday cover is next to impossible to actually plan etc etc. Imo it's either a control thing or she's just that disrespectful of our time (and selfish) that she thinks our lives should all revolve around hers.

The kids hate it too but that doesn't seem to matter to anyone. It's the one thing that has really made me resentful over the years. This and the fact H isn't consistent in pulling her up on it (I wish he'd have gone to court years ago for more notice / regular contact).

The issue with this arrangement I guess is that his new DP will have to “look after’’ the kids if he’s working on the days they are going. However my DP does this regularly as I also work full time and the kids go so ad-hoc my DP is often the one home when my kids are and I’m at work

I'd steer clear of this sort of talk tbh. If my husband's ex said this "my partner does it so why can't you" I'd be telling her where to go. You can't expect your exes partner to have the kids every weekend he works, I appreciate you've said you'd keep them with you "if she doesn't want to" but I'd honestly not even mention her or any expectation of her, it isn't up to her. Just put it to your ex and leave him to work it out.

Shift workers should absolutely give the co parent their shifts at the time they are given them. It's not reasonable to expect other people never to be able to plan their lives.

OP suppose you did send your children over to he looked after by their father's partner. If she walks out in 9 months time then you would be back to square one.

The only concern or issue I'd have with your proposal, is that your partners kids get a weekend with their dad and you, and your own kids never would. I know as a a kid I would really resent that and see it as being pushed out of my family when I was younger

I completely understand your frustration. My ex works shifts and each week his contact changes with our son. Sometimes he can't see him for 10 days at a time and others is 2 days in a row. On average he only makes an effort 3-4 times a month which I know he has many more days off that that.
I am a step parent and I would not be looking after my partners children every weekend - so I think you are being unreasonable to suggest this. Maybe suggest every Sunday day time into Monday and he takes them to school - that would be regular. Then add extra on when he can and if your children have activities they do then he will have to take them.
My ex sends me dates each month as to when he can have our son. Always different every week but it doesn't seem to bother him at the moment although he is only 6.

I can see your point of view but if his current partner says no then that’s also fair enough. Can he not ask his work for a set shift pattern? Most works will do that it pressured to.

Sorry forgot to explain the kids are teen age, so can look after themselves hence the ‘’ around look after.

If me and DP are both out for work or whatever, they stay alone. Eldest is capable of cooking and youngest can make a sandwich or something basic. So she doesn’t really have to do anything she doesn’t want to. It’s just she’s be the one in if their dad wasn’t. He tells me all the time that the kids have a key and can go as they please, but then on the flip side says they can go when he’s off.

This isn’t about childcare issues because they are old enough to be alone and I can do what I need/want whenever. It’s about what the kids want/can do.

The kids want to do the activities and have asked to. The problem is they can only do them with us as both require a membership which we have and exH doesnt. We have offered exH to get a membership and then he can take them when it falls on his time, but he says he doesn’t want to.

My issue is he basically wants the kids to fit into his life and give up what they want to do to spend quality time with him, and if they don’t want to he makes them feel bad.

When I say behaviour issues, it’s low level, one DC having issues at school and his additional needs have to be handled in a specific way which we do, exH doesn’t understand this and won’t listen so often makes things worse. I don’t think it’s fair for DC being in trouble at school due to his dads inconsistency.

The eldest it’s just boundary pushing. I am trying to equip them to take responsibility ready to enter ‘adulthood’ as such as come sept there is lots of changes and things that they will need to be doing whereas exH treats them like a baby still, which results in arguments between them (we do not have these at ours because they know where they stand).

I have offered him 50/50 he doesn’t want it.
Open to any set days, really doesn’t matter to me.
But the kids don’t like the current setup, he doesn’t want to explore change because it doesn’t suit him.

He doesn’t do a job that couldn’t be changed, there are other options for his work that are set shifts and days/times but he hasn’t even approached work to ask for any adjustments.

He was like this when together he will not take responsibility or change anything or face or deal with anything and he’s still the same.

So essentially what I’m saying is this is for the kids, not me. The only issue it has for me is that I don’t want the kids behaviour to get them into further trouble in life or school because I’ll be left dealing with it and picking up the pieces due to his parenting. And I’m fed up of having the debates with him when the kids are busy and it happens to fall on ‘his time’ even though he’s been offered to take them himself.

The kids can’t be expected to leave their schedule clear in case their dad pops up wanting to see them. They have set activities on set days they are committed to and want and like to do, I can’t see it fair to say sorry you have to just sit on your games every night incase your dad comes to get you.

I have asked for shifts in advance ideally a month, but at least a week before, his work often gives them late or changes them, he won’t approach them to insist he needs them for his kids.

Would make no differnece to my general life if he had them not at all, or 50/50 it’s the kids it’s effecting and it seems very unfair on them.

If me and DP are both out for work or whatever, they stay alone. Eldest is capable of cooking and youngest can make a sandwich or something basic. So she doesn’t really have to do anything she doesn’t want to. It’s just she’s be the one in if their dad wasn’t. He tells me all the time that the kids have a key and can go as they please, but then on the flip side says they can go when he’s off.

It doesn't matter. She shouldn't have to be the one responsible or the one "in" every weekend.

I really would just leave any talk of his partner out of it. None of it is her responsibility regardless as to what your partner chooses to do.

@Blendiful

Sorry forgot to explain the kids are teen age, so can look after themselves hence the ‘’ around look after.

If me and DP are both out for work or whatever, they stay alone. Eldest is capable of cooking and youngest can make a sandwich or something basic. So she doesn’t really have to do anything she doesn’t want to. It’s just she’s be the one in if their dad wasn’t. He tells me all the time that the kids have a key and can go as they please, but then on the flip side says they can go when he’s off.

This isn’t about childcare issues because they are old enough to be alone and I can do what I need/want whenever. It’s about what the kids want/can do.

The kids want to do the activities and have asked to. The problem is they can only do them with us as both require a membership which we have and exH doesnt. We have offered exH to get a membership and then he can take them when it falls on his time, but he says he doesn’t want to.

My issue is he basically wants the kids to fit into his life and give up what they want to do to spend quality time with him, and if they don’t want to he makes them feel bad.

When I say behaviour issues, it’s low level, one DC having issues at school and his additional needs have to be handled in a specific way which we do, exH doesn’t understand this and won’t listen so often makes things worse. I don’t think it’s fair for DC being in trouble at school due to his dads inconsistency.

The eldest it’s just boundary pushing. I am trying to equip them to take responsibility ready to enter ‘adulthood’ as such as come sept there is lots of changes and things that they will need to be doing whereas exH treats them like a baby still, which results in arguments between them (we do not have these at ours because they know where they stand).

I have offered him 50/50 he doesn’t want it.
Open to any set days, really doesn’t matter to me.
But the kids don’t like the current setup, he doesn’t want to explore change because it doesn’t suit him.

He doesn’t do a job that couldn’t be changed, there are other options for his work that are set shifts and days/times but he hasn’t even approached work to ask for any adjustments.

He was like this when together he will not take responsibility or change anything or face or deal with anything and he’s still the same.

So essentially what I’m saying is this is for the kids, not me. The only issue it has for me is that I don’t want the kids behaviour to get them into further trouble in life or school because I’ll be left dealing with it and picking up the pieces due to his parenting. And I’m fed up of having the debates with him when the kids are busy and it happens to fall on ‘his time’ even though he’s been offered to take them himself.

The kids can’t be expected to leave their schedule clear in case their dad pops up wanting to see them. They have set activities on set days they are committed to and want and like to do, I can’t see it fair to say sorry you have to just sit on your games every night incase your dad comes to get you.

I have asked for shifts in advance ideally a month, but at least a week before, his work often gives them late or changes them, he won’t approach them to insist he needs them for his kids.

Would make no differnece to my general life if he had them not at all, or 50/50 it’s the kids it’s effecting and it seems very unfair on them.

It's not fair. But you can't make someone parent.

You can't force him into this.
Unfortunately you just need to let the kids know they don't have to see him. They have the choice and if they want this can change it so they control the schedule.

As a stepmother to an unhealthy blended family I’d outright refuse to look after your children in this situation. It’s not the step mum (even if not married) responsibility and you’re a CF for even suggesting it.
Your kids are your problem if their father can’t look after them due to shift work.

@Blendiful

Sorry forgot to explain the kids are teen age, so can look after themselves hence the ‘’ around look after.

If me and DP are both out for work or whatever, they stay alone. Eldest is capable of cooking and youngest can make a sandwich or something basic. So she doesn’t really have to do anything she doesn’t want to. It’s just she’s be the one in if their dad wasn’t. He tells me all the time that the kids have a key and can go as they please, but then on the flip side says they can go when he’s off.

This isn’t about childcare issues because they are old enough to be alone and I can do what I need/want whenever. It’s about what the kids want/can do.

The kids want to do the activities and have asked to. The problem is they can only do them with us as both require a membership which we have and exH doesnt. We have offered exH to get a membership and then he can take them when it falls on his time, but he says he doesn’t want to.

My issue is he basically wants the kids to fit into his life and give up what they want to do to spend quality time with him, and if they don’t want to he makes them feel bad.

When I say behaviour issues, it’s low level, one DC having issues at school and his additional needs have to be handled in a specific way which we do, exH doesn’t understand this and won’t listen so often makes things worse. I don’t think it’s fair for DC being in trouble at school due to his dads inconsistency.

The eldest it’s just boundary pushing. I am trying to equip them to take responsibility ready to enter ‘adulthood’ as such as come sept there is lots of changes and things that they will need to be doing whereas exH treats them like a baby still, which results in arguments between them (we do not have these at ours because they know where they stand).

I have offered him 50/50 he doesn’t want it.
Open to any set days, really doesn’t matter to me.
But the kids don’t like the current setup, he doesn’t want to explore change because it doesn’t suit him.

He doesn’t do a job that couldn’t be changed, there are other options for his work that are set shifts and days/times but he hasn’t even approached work to ask for any adjustments.

He was like this when together he will not take responsibility or change anything or face or deal with anything and he’s still the same.

So essentially what I’m saying is this is for the kids, not me. The only issue it has for me is that I don’t want the kids behaviour to get them into further trouble in life or school because I’ll be left dealing with it and picking up the pieces due to his parenting. And I’m fed up of having the debates with him when the kids are busy and it happens to fall on ‘his time’ even though he’s been offered to take them himself.

The kids can’t be expected to leave their schedule clear in case their dad pops up wanting to see them. They have set activities on set days they are committed to and want and like to do, I can’t see it fair to say sorry you have to just sit on your games every night incase your dad comes to get you.

I have asked for shifts in advance ideally a month, but at least a week before, his work often gives them late or changes them, he won’t approach them to insist he needs them for his kids.

Would make no differnece to my general life if he had them not at all, or 50/50 it’s the kids it’s effecting and it seems very unfair on them.

Even if they can manage to look after themselves just about, she shouldn't have to have them there "watching out" for them. If she has plans etc; it would be awkward for her to have friends over etc. I believe they are either in your care or their dads.

If me and DP are both out for work or whatever, they stay alone. Eldest is capable of cooking and youngest can make a sandwich or something basic. So she doesn’t really have to do anything she doesn’t want to. It’s just she’s be the one in if their dad wasn’t. He tells me all the time that the kids have a key and can go as they please, but then on the flip side says they can go when he’s off.

Er, no - that's not fair on her. Even if they don't need much looking after, she might not want to have to commit to being around, and she might not want the children around in her partner's absence. Which goes back to my earlier comment about there being very little point in sending the children to their Dad's when he's not around.

I totally understand your frustration in all this, but its not up to your ex's new partner to sort out.

@Jennyfromthere

As a stepmother to an unhealthy blended family I’d outright refuse to look after your children in this situation. It’s not the step mum (even if not married) responsibility and you’re a CF for even suggesting it. Your kids are your problem if their father can’t look after them due to shift work.

The OPs children are the responsibility of both parents they are not “Her Problem” their father is just as responsible. As far as I can make it it’s the kids that have the issue with contact arrangements not the OP that wants the schedule changed to suit her and she not asking or expecting her to care for the children she was just stating that if it changed like the kids want the. she would be the one home she’s stated their old enough to be alone so if dad had an issue with that it would be upto him to arrange. The OP isn’t asking his DP to do childcare. Also think he should have some of the kids extra curricular activities on his days just like op has it’s about the kids

The very presence of my SK’s in the house made a difference, they were teens and made me feel hugely uncomfortable in my own home. There was no looking after them. You’re their parent, so please parent them and don’t expect someone else to.

Teenagers old enough to be cooking and left alone and thinking about life as adults?
What do the kids say they want?
I personally think the every Sunday to Monday sounds like a good idea, but what do your kids think?
They’re free to come and ho, so one option is that you get the kids to tell Dad when they’re coming rather than let him dictate. You could either clearly state this, or just let the kids tell him next time ‘nah, I can’t do Wednesdays anymore, I have football. Can we do Sunday?´

@Lalala1 you state the OP isn’t asking her ex's partner to do the childcare.

But I disagree, this is exactly what the OP states in her first post: The issue with this arrangement I guess is that his new DP will have to “look after’’ the kids if he’s working on the days they are going.

@Jennyfromthere

The very presence of my SK’s in the house made a difference, they were teens and made me feel hugely uncomfortable in my own home. There was no looking after them. You’re their parent, so please parent them and don’t expect someone else to.

@Jennyfromthere I feel sorry for your step kids with an attitude like that if you and their dad live together it’s their home too! And the OP is parenting them and shock horror she’s expecting their dad to parent them also