Contact schedule

[Blendiful]

Posted this in line parents aswell but putting here also for traffic and for a different point of view.

This is about my own DC but there are step parents to them (my DP and exh DP)

My own DC have contact with their dad each week. However he works shifts and his days and times change every single week. So far the kids have gone when he is off so each week different days, this can be 2-3 days at a time, no days or 1 day here, 1 day there.

It is a nightmare, the kids don’t know where they are, it’s almost impossible to have any routine and the kids have stuff they want to do and things they do with us.

We also have my DP’s kids pretty much 50/50 but they have a set routine.

I have told exH This cannot continue for many reasons. There have been issues with both my DC recently behaviour wise and part of this issue is no routine, and different rules and expectations at each house. We are quite set and fixed in rules, exh isnt. One DC has additional needs which mean he needs consistency and to know where he stands, so this is a nightmare for him. He also has some medical needs which exh has largely ignored making it worse (not life threatening, more socially difficult and will restrict what he can do with friends etc).

I do 90% of the parenting, and all of the menial tasks (homework, health appts, parents eve etc). He does none of this.

I am now suggesting the kids go each week Fri-sun. Mainly reasons for this are Sunday is exh most consistent day off, and if he’s off in the week they can go for tea if it doesn’t fall on a day we have plans.

He constantly moans that the kids are doing stuff on ‘his time’ but this is because they have a life, they have activities and clubs and we all do an activity together as a family twice a week with people at my house. He expects them to drop what they are doing should he happen to be off that day which IMO just isn’t realistic and the kids don’t want to.

The issue with this arrangement I guess is that his new DP will have to “look after’’ the kids if he’s working on the days they are going. However my DP does this regularly as I also work full time and the kids go so ad-hoc my DP is often the one home when my kids are and I’m at work. If she doesn’t want to I am happy to keep them with us.

Just wondered what other parents/step parents view would be on this.

AIBU to suggest this. I think we’ve just all had enough and I’m constantly left picking up the pieces while we all rally round him to make sure he has ‘quality time’ whilst sacrificing my own and the kids! If I only had the pleasure of being responsible for the kids when I was off work that would be great.

@MeridianB

Contact is for the benefit of the children. So he spends time at work when they are staying then do they get much quality time with him?

And even when he’s there he isn’t supporting their activities. It sounds like it’s all about him and what he wants. Is there a chance he’s trying to duck out of more maintenance by insisting on weekly overnights?

Has he ever tried to share his schedule in advance?

It sounds really unsettling and no fun for your children, especially with additional needs. But as they are teens, can you factor in their views?

Their views are they want set days. I’ve accommodated his shifts for years until they are now old enough to say they don’t like it.

He would still get quality time with them, and it’s not different from me as I am also at work. He would likely get more ‘quality’ time than me, as he gets full days at the weekend if he’s off (and he is usually off every Sunday - sometimes not but usually is). Whereas I’m getting 6pm-9pm realistically as I am at work until 6 and they are in bed or in their rooms by 9.

It’s definitely all about what he wants.

No to the maintanence as we pay our own costs anyway.

Another reason I’m not thrilled about them missing activities I have paid for because he has them one random day for it. But yet I keep it up because the rest of the time they want to go.

Seems very much like he gets to call the shots and we all have to go along with it, even though the kids hate it, so he gets ‘quality time’ which realistically is spent at grandparents (which he insists they go to for hours but they actually hate aswell) or in their rooms cause they are teens.

I don't see the point of the children going when dad isn't there. Especially as they don't need looking after why would they hang out at his house rather than yours?

Are they old enough to communicate with dad directly. Ie when dad has a day off coming up he can invite them over for dinner or cinema erc and they say yes please or no thank you depending on what they have one. With you gently encouraging them not to say no too often?

@Sally872

I don't see the point of the children going when dad isn't there. Especially as they don't need looking after why would they hang out at his house rather than yours?

Are they old enough to communicate with dad directly. Ie when dad has a day off coming up he can invite them over for dinner or cinema erc and they say yes please or no thank you depending on what they have one. With you gently encouraging them not to say no too often?

Potentially they could. But I guess the point of them being there when he’s not is the exact same as them being here when I’m not. They have a home at both places. If I’m at work, they aren’t spending time with me either.

So I don’t see how that’s any different. Seems like quality time only matters when they are with their dad, but not me?

We don’t live that far apart so technically they could walk to mine from his if they wanted which would be fine and vice versa.

If that’s because I get more ‘quantity’ thats ok if that’s my choice, but it’s not its default, IMO we should be doing 50/50 as I feel all parents should with an equal share of costs, time and good and bad bits of parenting.

Their views are they want set days. I’ve accommodated his shifts for years until they are now old enough to say they don’t like it

Then you are going to have to very gently make them realise it isn't going to happen because their dad doesn't put them first. Neither you or they can force their dad to parent them as they want.

PPs have told you to stop accommodating him and get your teen children to speak up for themselves. In fact as the children are teens you should refuse to continue to put yourself in the middle.

If they then refuse to have contact with their dad as he likes because of his behaviour, then you need to support them by telling him he needs to listen to them and you are no longer sorting out contact for them. You also need to make it crystal clear to them that they are not the ones with the problem as they aren't the mature adult in their relationship with their dad.

Oh and dumping them at his house on set days when he isn't there is simply off for loads of reasons. If you want to make your kids more unhappy and eventually refuse to talk to him then that's the route to follow.

I think I am just going to have to let them sort it for themselves. With my eldest that’s fine. I’m not sure my youngest is emotionally mature enough to manage it though, and he gets massively effected by the guilt trips. That would worry me for his mental health to put that on him. If he was a little bit more emotionally mature I wouldn’t have an issue with that at all.

As he as ADHD he is also extremely impulsive and cannot think of the long term so I often have to explain this to him and it has landed him in some really tricky situations. For example I don’t think he would think about being kicked out of his club until it was too late and it had happened and then he’d be devastated.

But I guess the point of them being there when he’s not is the exact same as them being here when I’m not. They have a home at both places

I think regardless how welcome they are made to feel I'm each "home", most children will always have one base, one home in their own minds. It's very likely, given your posts that it's your house that your children view as their home. I'd imagine they are more likely to want to "hang" there even if you're not in than at their Dad's with his girlfriend.

Not saying this is you OP but as a more general point I don't think people need to force the two equal homes thing as much. As I say, I strongly suspect most children of divorce / separation have one house which they feel is their proper "home" and that's fine and normal imo.

@Popable I totally agree with your post, but the popular view seems to really push the two homes thing,

Blendiful I also have an ex who doesn't do responsibility and teenage dc where I've had to be the responsible and parent parent for 16 years. It's hard having all of the mental load.

I think the Sunday to Monday every week is the best advice. I'd give up on trying to make him take the responsibility for your dc. You'll just frustrated yourself further. Tell him the dc are older, they have activities if he can't commit to set days then Sunday to Monday is what's offered as it's not fair on dc.

To be honest him not taking equal responsibility has been frustrating me their whole life. Hence he is now exH not just DH!

I don’t know why I expected it to be any different with him not living with us tbh. However it’s more frustrating having him pleading equal say and equal time (I.e. the time that suits him) and none of the rest of it than just not bothering all together!

He’s a Disney dad that’s for sure. Luckily the kids do see through it, they know I am their consistency, reason, guidance and alway the one they come to when they need anything.

It just winds me up to watch him doing as he pleases when it comes to what the kids want and need rather than aimed at me.

I disagree with you op that children have an equal home in my places. Like another pp has said... children gravitate to one house being their home. You have one base you feel most comfortable. They may have space and items in their dads house but I can't imagine they feel it's their "home". Unfortunately a lot of separated families do not have equal time in both houses. Most come with more time with one parent and that's normal. It seems like you don't want your children with you more than 59% of the time. You say your youngest has adhd so why would you insist he goes elsewhere when he's probably happier with you? That doesn't sound what's best for the children imo

DSS lived with his Mum, and visited his Dad EOW. There were no negative or 'not welcome' connotations attached to that, its simply how it was. Mum's house was his base, and where he kept the majority of his stuff. But that statement could be like a red flag to a bull on some threads, people get a bit obsessed with the 'two homes' train of thought.

@Sally872

I don't see the point of the children going when dad isn't there. Especially as they don't need looking after why would they hang out at his house rather than yours?

Are they old enough to communicate with dad directly. Ie when dad has a day off coming up he can invite them over for dinner or cinema erc and they say yes please or no thank you depending on what they have one. With you gently encouraging them not to say no too often?

Agree with this. Rigid contact schedules often need review when children hit teenage years.

Sally’s suggestion seems like a great compromise.

Does your ex do anything with his children on these weekends? I get that the grandparents want to see them but long visits every weekend sound like he is ducking parenting.

Maybe it’s time your he realised this is not about him.

Sometimes he does things with them, but usually a visit to grandparents is incorporated somewhere, he’s very much still tied to the apron strings and so this visit is almost definitely for him. And possibly to duck parenting aswell.

I am happy for them to communicate with him about going round for tea in the week but they would rather keep their overnights to set days. Partly so they don’t have to cart all their stuff around and partly so they know what they can plan with their friends and do the activities they want.

The eldest has had numerous arguments with him when she’s planned things with her friends but he wants to do something else, she didn’t know she was going to his and it has become a battle.

I just want what’s good for the kids, I want them to have a good relationship with their dad and IMO 50/50 is ideal but only if both parents are equally involved in all aspects of parenting. And he has been offered this to try to achieve that. He doesn’t want it.

I am however happy to have them as much as possible with me.

They do have 2 homes with spaces at each but yes ultimately see this as their home as they are here most of the time. If it was true 50/50 though I do think that would change.

@MeridianB your last sentence sums up the exact problem in a few words. He thinks the childrens contact with him is about what he wants. Not about it them and he refuses to listen to any reason otherwise.

The eldest has had numerous arguments with him when she’s planned things with her friends but he wants to do something else, she didn’t know she was going to his and it has become a battle.

For me eldest wouldn't have to cancel plans regularly. Dad would hopefully learn he has to give more notice or he may find eldest is busy. Eldest may want to cancel plans if they haven't seen dad for a bit. Arguing then going seems pointless (unless you need them to go for any reason ie childcare/space etc and that is reasonable too).

I am happy for them to communicate with him about going round for tea in the week but they would rather keep their overnights to set days. Partly so they don’t have to cart all their stuff around and partly so they know what they can plan with their friends and do the activities they want.

I completely understand why set days would be best for overnighting, but with the best will in the world, many people work shifts with irregular patterns. My friend's husband is in CID, strange hours at the best of times but if something big happens then it all goes to pot. I'm not saying your ex can't improve the situation but if its all about a set pattern each week then maybe this is just impossible?

@Coffeepot72

I am happy for them to communicate with him about going round for tea in the week but they would rather keep their overnights to set days. Partly so they don’t have to cart all their stuff around and partly so they know what they can plan with their friends and do the activities they want.

I completely understand why set days would be best for overnighting, but with the best will in the world, many people work shifts with irregular patterns. My friend's husband is in CID, strange hours at the best of times but if something big happens then it all goes to pot. I'm not saying your ex can't improve the situation but if its all about a set pattern each week then maybe this is just impossible?

Seems it likely is impossible, unless he changes his job or talks to work. But these are things he won’t do. Even though he could.

If he was in CID or something similar this would be a totally different situation, that isn’t a job you just change. His job is not like that at all. If he approached another employer that does the same thing, already qualified they’d snap his hand off. And I know of at least 2 other local firms that do better set days/hours. His current work also offer different opportunities which have more set hours/days. He just doesn’t want to do that.

My job is not CID but is very much along the lines of a job where I have to deal with stuff, if something comes up I have to work until it’s dealt with, sometimes this is weekends too. Yet we’re all here adjusting to his schedule, mine never got the same priority. This doesn’t matter so much now the kids are older but it was really rough when they were younger and he never helped out with that.

I think I’m just going to leave it to him to speak to the kids and if they say no cause they are busy then he can deal with it and hopefully click on he has to make some adjustments at some point.

This may be no consolation, but by the time I was teenager (with separated parents) I was fully aware that Mum was the 'proper' parent and Dad was a bit "as and when" ..... We adored Mum and tolerated Dad!

You don’t just get dc on your days off, why should he? 50:50 on set days is best for the kids and he either needs to convince his dp involved, get a new job, or dump both. At the moment everything seems to be going his way which is ridiculous considering you’re working f/t and doing all the hard work around parenting.

Why not just stick with every Sunday seeing as that is when he is usually off?

Why not just stick with every Sunday seeing as that is when he is usually off?

And when he's not off ...... ??

I guess the DC won't go 🤷🏽‍♀️

I completely get where the OP is coming from, but (assuming we're not going to insist that 'the children have two homes' and stick with reality) trying to force routine into an ex partner's household, where no routine exists, is just like ramming a square peg into a round hole and likely to cause more stress all round?

Gosh, I can see why he’s an ex. You sound incredibly patient, @Blendiful!

@Coffeepot72

I completely get where the OP is coming from, but (assuming we're not going to insist that 'the children have two homes' and stick with reality) trying to force routine into an ex partner's household, where no routine exists, is just like ramming a square peg into a round hole and likely to cause more stress all round?

But meanwhile the kids are living with a parent 90% of the time who is functioning on extremely high stress levels.

At the moment I am undergoing hospital tests, and am I’ll which are both likely either due to or impacted by stress, because I am doing 100% of the ‘parenting’ that doesn’t involved the fun bits, working full time in a stressful and responsible job (which I love btw but it’s not an easy job to do).

And I am virtually at breaking point trying to do that, and manage this impossible routine of backwards and forwards with no rhythm and it constantly impacting the kids both emotionally and medically which guess who is left to deal with again.

I’ve had to take time off work to attend 2 meetings/appts for one DC just this week, one medical (which has been impacted by exh giving things he shouldn’t) and one behavioural with school so things don’t get out of hand (again, behaviours occurred when they spent an extended period at dads a few weeks ago). And I’m really not making this up either.

My main issue is that the kids don’t want it this way. But all these other things are a factor aswell it’s an impossible situation. And when I am too stressed to cope any longer is he going to step in and take the kids? Absolutely not, unless he’s off of course.

@RandomMess

Why not just stick with every Sunday seeing as that is when he is usually off?

That would be completely fine with me: he would moan it’s not enough I imagine.