Contact schedule

[Blendiful]

Posted this in line parents aswell but putting here also for traffic and for a different point of view.

This is about my own DC but there are step parents to them (my DP and exh DP)

My own DC have contact with their dad each week. However he works shifts and his days and times change every single week. So far the kids have gone when he is off so each week different days, this can be 2-3 days at a time, no days or 1 day here, 1 day there.

It is a nightmare, the kids don’t know where they are, it’s almost impossible to have any routine and the kids have stuff they want to do and things they do with us.

We also have my DP’s kids pretty much 50/50 but they have a set routine.

I have told exH This cannot continue for many reasons. There have been issues with both my DC recently behaviour wise and part of this issue is no routine, and different rules and expectations at each house. We are quite set and fixed in rules, exh isnt. One DC has additional needs which mean he needs consistency and to know where he stands, so this is a nightmare for him. He also has some medical needs which exh has largely ignored making it worse (not life threatening, more socially difficult and will restrict what he can do with friends etc).

I do 90% of the parenting, and all of the menial tasks (homework, health appts, parents eve etc). He does none of this.

I am now suggesting the kids go each week Fri-sun. Mainly reasons for this are Sunday is exh most consistent day off, and if he’s off in the week they can go for tea if it doesn’t fall on a day we have plans.

He constantly moans that the kids are doing stuff on ‘his time’ but this is because they have a life, they have activities and clubs and we all do an activity together as a family twice a week with people at my house. He expects them to drop what they are doing should he happen to be off that day which IMO just isn’t realistic and the kids don’t want to.

The issue with this arrangement I guess is that his new DP will have to “look after’’ the kids if he’s working on the days they are going. However my DP does this regularly as I also work full time and the kids go so ad-hoc my DP is often the one home when my kids are and I’m at work. If she doesn’t want to I am happy to keep them with us.

Just wondered what other parents/step parents view would be on this.

AIBU to suggest this. I think we’ve just all had enough and I’m constantly left picking up the pieces while we all rally round him to make sure he has ‘quality time’ whilst sacrificing my own and the kids! If I only had the pleasure of being responsible for the kids when I was off work that would be great.

@Jennyfromthere

The very presence of my SK’s in the house made a difference, they were teens and made me feel hugely uncomfortable in my own home. There was no looking after them. You’re their parent, so please parent them and don’t expect someone else to.

Not even their father?

I don't expect the SM to do any childcare. But I do side eye women who are happy to cost up to such failing men.

@Jennyfromthere if their father isn't there then he won't be parenting them will he? I wouldn't want me step kids here when their dad is at work. Kids are messy, they require entertaining. You can't expect them to sit around waiting for their father to return home every weekend without going out or going anywhere. The OP will effectively be happy for them to sit in their father's house and wait for him to return. What if they want to meet friends; who is going to be responsible for taking them somewhere? It shouldn't be the step mum

I am more than happy to parent them 100% of the time. If having them there when their dad isn’t is a problem I have no issue with them staying with me, and my DP is more than happy to have them if I’m not there also.

It’s more that if they are there it’s up to their dad to sort, he can ask his DP, his parents or ask eldest to watch youngest whilst he is out. Exactly the same as I have to as I don’t get to just have my time with them when I’m off. He has options, it’s just that that requires him to do something, and it’s easier for him not to. It’s easier for him to inconvenience the kids, make them feel bad and expect them to fit into his life than it is for him to have to make any changes or do anything to accommodate them.

I have always gone along with it before when we were together and since, always adjusted my work to fit the kids and sorted all the childcare because he could only do ‘what he could when he can’ but I didn’t have that luxury. The difference is now the kids are saying they don’t want to do that and are old enough to decide themselves. But he makes them feel bad which is unfair. So I’m trying to mediate it a bit for them.

[quote Coffeepot72]@Lalala1 you state the OP isn’t asking her ex's partner to do the childcare.

But I disagree, this is exactly what the OP states in her first post: The issue with this arrangement I guess is that his new DP will have to “look after’’ the kids if he’s working on the days they are going.[/quote]
@Coffeepot72

No she is not she’s just stating that if their dad is working then she would be the one in the house.@BlendifulI can maybe clarify? I completely agree it’s not his DPs responsibility to look after them and she’s well within her rights to say Shes not but then that would be on dad to deal with that as it would be his contact days the OP stated the kids are old enough to look after themselves while he’s at work if he doesn’t want them left alone or alone in house while he’s at work with his DP then he should make other childcare arrangements not the OP.

The OP is suggestion the days be changed because it’s what the kids want because of their activities she’s also said her ex is complaining about activities being on his days, he can’t have it both ways contact on days that suit him (days the kids have activities they want) but doesn’t want to take them but then doesn’t want to change the days( to days they don’t have activities) because it doesn’t suit him either.

The ex needs to get a new job that’s conducive to being a parent that no longer lives with his children.

I have 2DC with my ex, out eldest is a teen and would hate this scenario and I won’t even say how our ADHD/ASD child would react to it!

OR he needs to accept that he will only see them on a Sunday during the day.

@Lalala1

Exactly my point he doesn’t want to budge in anyway, he doesn’t want to take them, but doesn’t want to change days, he wants them to just not want to do their activities when he has them. Or for me to take them or my DP to take them when he has them because he doesn’t want to. He’s happy to palm the kids off on my DP by the way, he will often say ‘can’t such and such do it?’

One of the activities my DS does my DP takes him not me as I’m not a member, it was his 1-1 time with his own DS but my DS asked to go along and so we asked DS dad who said he didn’t want to and why couldn’t DP? so DP has done it.

I have no expectations of his DP at all; she can do as little or as much as she likes. My point is more that it’s up to him to sort the same way it’s up to me to sort, with contact times being done to suit the kids, not me, and not him.

It would be simply that his DP would be the one in the house. But if that’s not ok; they can stay at mine or he could ask his parents to have them.

They often do arrange things with friends on a weekend which is fine they communicate via message with me usually if I’m at work which I sometimes am. And I will then let DP know what’s going on.

I simply just want him to be responsible enough to sort a schedule out that works in the kids best interests and not his for a change.

The ex needs to get a new job that’s conducive to being a parent that no longer lives with his children.

And I'm sure that's dead easy to arrange .....

How about they go at weekends if he isn't working, and otherwise stay with you? They see less of him, but have the consistency they need.

@LightfoldEngines

The ex needs to get a new job that’s conducive to being a parent that no longer lives with his children.

I have 2DC with my ex, out eldest is a teen and would hate this scenario and I won’t even say how our ADHD/ASD child would react to it!

That is the thing, my youngest is ADHD and possible ASD and he does hate it!

If he couldn’t get a new job or was in a specific field I’d feel differently. But he can, just chooses not to as he’d prefer not to have to change anything.

I am actually in a more specialist job in a specialist field but still work to accommodate the kids and always have done. I could do other roles for more money, but it wouldn’t work for the kids so I don’t.

@Coffeepot72

The ex needs to get a new job that’s conducive to being a parent that no longer lives with his children.

And I'm sure that's dead easy to arrange .....

Maybe not but don’t most parents decline promotions or change jobs to fit around their children? Or is it just women that are expected to do that?

@Blendiful I hear you! Agree with everything your saying. I’d speak to him and say kids have expressed they are not happy with current arrangement and you BOTH need to re arrange things (like your doing) if the kids are old enough they can tell him how they feel also and if he makes them feel crap for it then that’s shitty as a parent and only thing you can then do is be there for them and explain they aren’t doing anything wrong their feelings are valid! They will see eventually dad just wants the “nice” bits of parenting on his terms and doesn’t want to be involved in their activities.
@Coffeepot72
Who cares if it’s easy or not? There’s lots of parents out there doing it and if they can’t find work around the children then they arrange the childcare just like the OP has to

@TeenPlusCat

How about they go at weekends if he isn't working, and otherwise stay with you? They see less of him, but have the consistency they need.

That would be perfectly fine by me, but I think he would moan.

And then you direct him to the children and he can justify his poor choices to them. Stop accommodating him.

@Coffeepot72

It’s not easy, but it’s something parents have to do. I have had to.

There are other jobs I could do, for significantly more money but I don’t because I couldn’t cater for the kids then.

He doesn’t have a job that’s not easy to change. The qualifications he has to do his job are transferrable very easily to other firms, that offer more flexible hours/days but yes possibly for slightly less money, because of losing the shift allowance. But I could do my job shifts and get enhancements also, I don’t because hey guess what, I’ve got the kids and whilst my DP would happily help I prefer to do it myself where I can.

He absolutely could change jobs, but he doesn’t want to cause he’s comfortable and has it easy in terms of work cause he’s been there so long. That’s all the reason for that is.

@Blendiful I get what you're saying about changing jobs, but if he did accept a job with slightly less money, would you be willing to accept slightly less maintenance?

I suppose I'm looking at this from the position DH and I found ourselves in - DH had a fairly regular job with fairly regular (but long) hours, the ex was always pushing him to have more contact with DSS, but doing so would have meant DH earning less money and the ex would never have accepted a penny less. The visiting schedule she tried to insist upon would only have worked for someone employed as a school dinner lady ..... but that's a whole different thread!!!!

[quote Coffeepot72]@Blendiful I get what you're saying about changing jobs, but if he did accept a job with slightly less money, would you be willing to accept slightly less maintenance?

I suppose I'm looking at this from the position DH and I found ourselves in - DH had a fairly regular job with fairly regular (but long) hours, the ex was always pushing him to have more contact with DSS, but doing so would have meant DH earning less money and the ex would never have accepted a penny less. The visiting schedule she tried to insist upon would only have worked for someone employed as a school dinner lady ..... but that's a whole different thread!!!![/quote]
Absolutely, I don’t want any money from him. Just consistency and for him to do his fair share of the parenting including the rubbish bits. And to make it work for the kids.

I’ve got the money side covered myself he can keep his money and spend it on the kids when they are there.

The problem here is your ex. Clearly.

He’s not putting the children first. You have clearly mediated/ flexed for years to make the situation work. The children are no longer happy with the status quo. Not only that but it’s clearly impacting the children.

You don’t have an issue having the children the majority of the time, nor does your DP. Your children need routine. Your issue is that your ex will moan and also make the children feel guilty if you stop flexing.

Stop accommodating him. Tell him clearly what the children need. Don’t bring the partner into it. He either agrees with it or he doesn’t. If he moans? Block it out. If he makes the children feel bad, then teach them to speak up for themselves and tell him to that they don’t like the current routine. It’s healthy for them to be able to voice their needs, you should not be doing it for them, especially at their more formative ages.

You’re being put in the middle of a no win situation. And you can’t solve this. Please just leave his partner out of it. It is a big deal to have someone else’s kids in your home environment. And I say that a mum with kids who sound very similar ages in terms of independence.

My home environment is very different when my children are here vs when it’s adult only. Different isn’t bad, I adore my DC. But it’s different and anyone who claims differently is lying.

So basicly ur saying u want ur eh dp to mind ur kids while u look after someone elses ?
Your child has ADHD and ur saying theres no minding on them ???????
Im a steparent and id be telling you no if you suggested that.
But not been mean about it we all have hardships in life. But no way would i be working hsrd all week to come home to be minding kids all weekend

@Kimbo180

So basicly ur saying u want ur eh dp to mind ur kids while u look after someone elses ? Your child has ADHD and ur saying theres no minding on them ??????? Im a steparent and id be telling you no if you suggested that. But not been mean about it we all have hardships in life. But no way would i be working hsrd all week to come home to be minding kids all weekend

U really need to read properly! If you did you would see your post is ridiculous! None of what you’ve wrote is what the OP has said

My comments are made because OP was quite specific about SM parenting when her ex is at work. Of course the father needs to parent but when he’s not able to due to work that responsibility does not fall with the SM.

@Jennyfromthere

My comments are made because OP was quite specific about SM parenting when her ex is at work. Of course the father needs to parent but when he’s not able to due to work that responsibility does not fall with the SM.

And I’m happy for that to fall to me, but sometimes I am also at work when this happens. So then it falls to my DP, that’s fine he doesn’t mind and none of us have an issue with that. My suggestion about his DP was more of a suggestion if he’s happy to leave them with her fine, if not maybe his parents or he can send them back to me and we will do it.

And then my other comments were more because technically they can be home alone, so his DP doesn’t have to do anything. But I get she may not want them there if he isnt, that’s fine I don’t mind having them and neither does my DP.

So maybe I phrased it wrong with the issue being his DP would have them if he was working, it was either he chooses to leave them in the house with her or makes alternative arrangements. Exactly the same way I have to.

@Kimbo180

So basicly ur saying u want ur eh dp to mind ur kids while u look after someone elses ? Your child has ADHD and ur saying theres no minding on them ??????? Im a steparent and id be telling you no if you suggested that. But not been mean about it we all have hardships in life. But no way would i be working hsrd all week to come home to be minding kids all weekend

No, I won’t be looking after anyone else’s. Also happy to look after my own, whilst ex is at work if that’s what works. He has a DP who can look after them, if he chooses he also has parents he can ask, or they can be left home alone if his DP has plans or stuff to do.

Yes DC has ADHD but with their sibling there is perfectly fine to be alone at home with them for some periods.

And I’m perfectly fine if she says she doesn’t want to have them whilst he’s working. But if they are going on set days that’s his problem to sort then not mine. Currently he just gets to have them the days that work for him so he doesn’t have to sort anything, and the kids get juggled all over which they hate. Whereas I have to sort all arrangements at any times, because I also have to
Work when I have them and don’t get the luxury of only having them when I’m off.

@sassbott

The problem here is your ex. Clearly.

He’s not putting the children first. You have clearly mediated/ flexed for years to make the situation work. The children are no longer happy with the status quo. Not only that but it’s clearly impacting the children.

You don’t have an issue having the children the majority of the time, nor does your DP. Your children need routine. Your issue is that your ex will moan and also make the children feel guilty if you stop flexing.

Stop accommodating him. Tell him clearly what the children need. Don’t bring the partner into it. He either agrees with it or he doesn’t. If he moans? Block it out. If he makes the children feel bad, then teach them to speak up for themselves and tell him to that they don’t like the current routine. It’s healthy for them to be able to voice their needs, you should not be doing it for them, especially at their more formative ages.

You’re being put in the middle of a no win situation. And you can’t solve this. Please just leave his partner out of it. It is a big deal to have someone else’s kids in your home environment. And I say that a mum with kids who sound very similar ages in terms of independence.

My home environment is very different when my children are here vs when it’s adult only. Different isn’t bad, I adore my DC. But it’s different and anyone who claims differently is lying.

This pretty much echoes how I feel he isn’t putting the kids first (he never does!) only himself (always has).

Trying to get him to see sense I can see isn’t going to happen however I explain it. And so I am going to have to just go with it, and see what he does.

I do try and get the kids to speak to him about it. They have told him lots of times they don’t want to go and once it even escalated into DC telling him he didn’t like him at all, because he was trying to make them feel bad for not going.

His partner honestly I’m not bothered about, tbf that bit is his issue to sort if he’s at work. Or he can leave them with me.

Contact is for the benefit of the children. So he spends time at work when they are staying then do they get much quality time with him?

And even when he’s there he isn’t supporting their activities. It sounds like it’s all about him and what he wants. Is there a chance he’s trying to duck out of more maintenance by insisting on weekly overnights?

Has he ever tried to share his schedule in advance?

It sounds really unsettling and no fun for your children, especially with additional needs. But as they are teens, can you factor in their views?