AIBU to think she is being a massive CF!

[Grated321]

My son goes to the nursery/pre school attached to my step sons primary.

I drop him off in the mornings on my way to work.

My step son stays with us one week and his Mum the next week. When he's with us either I or his Dad drops them both off.

His mother's house is just a little bit out of the way from my route from ours to the nursery / school.

She is always saying she struggles to get to work on time when she drops him off at school and has recently said she is pissed off because she sees me there dropping our DC at the nursery and so why can I not just collect SS on the way so she can get to work quicker.

I think this is massively cheeky but it's not the first time she's come out with something like this.

Yes it’s cheeky. Just ignore. If she asks you directly if you’ll do it just say no, that won’t work for you.

I'd say that's incredibly CF behaviour. So she's basically asking you to leave earlier so that you can collect your SS and take him to school. Why should you inconvenience yourself for SS's mum? If your DH wants to help out by collecting his DS on his drop off days, that's up to him, but she has no right to expect it of you.

Perhaps the dad can, if he's dropping your child in? But personally I'd say no if my step child as it'll be a faff and no doubt would back fire or she'd do as most people do, become ungrateful, entitled and think you owe her these favours

@Sausagedogsarethebest

I'd say that's incredibly CF behaviour. So she's basically asking you to leave earlier so that you can collect your SS and take him to school. Why should you inconvenience yourself for SS's mum? If your DH wants to help out by collecting his DS on his drop off days, that's up to him, but she has no right to expect it of you.

Yes although it would probably only be 5 mins at most out of the way. That's providing he's ready to go of course though! And 5 mins with a toddler in the morning is precious 🤣

@custardbear

Perhaps the dad can, if he's dropping your child in? But personally I'd say no if my step child as it'll be a faff and no doubt would back fire or she'd do as most people do, become ungrateful, entitled and think you owe her these favours

He rarely does drop off as it's completely out of the way of his work. I can do it and be in work in good time as I work close by so 99% of the time I do the school / nursery run.

And yes I agree it'll just become expected. So one day I'm running late myself and can't do it. Then what? Am I supposed to apologise? 🤣 No.

Can she not use the breakfast club? (Assuming there is one)

I mean, yeah it's pretty cheeky. But it might not be the worst thing in the world to think about if it really doesn't put you out all that much - might help pave the way to a more harmonious existence. But not because you feel pressured or expected to!

@Monstermissy36

Can she not use the breakfast club? (Assuming there is one)

They have been a bit hit and miss over Covid, not sure if they are back up and running but I know they've never used them in the past as SS was always upset at the thought of going to them. But yes, she could if they are open.

Of course you should not do it.

BUT I think your dh on his days could. Hiw many days does your dh do drop offs? Is it set days?

@DropYourSword

I mean, yeah it's pretty cheeky. But it might not be the worst thing in the world to think about if it really doesn't put you out all that much - might help pave the way to a more harmonious existence. But not because you feel pressured or expected to!

I think we're past this tbh. She's absolutely horrid to my husband regularly so I've no desire to help her tbh.

Add to that she's taken the absolute piss before when I have offered to help, for example begging me to watch SS whilst she went to the doctors and H was out which I said yes no problem and she fucked off for the entire day between 10am-7pm because she went out with her friends and turned her phone off.

@TracyMosby

Of course you should not do it.

BUT I think your dh on his days could. Hiw many days does your dh do drop offs? Is it set days?

He rarely does drop offs, he will do them once in a blue moon if I have to get to work early but 99% of the time I do them both when we have SS and when we don't.

It's cheeky but coparenting successfully is about working in partnership, if she's single she might be struggling and perhaps it can work both ways, she helps out with your son occasionally.

I've seen some really good coparenting arrangements and the kids really benefit

In that case @Grated321 I'd say absolutely steer clear!!

perhaps it can work both ways, she helps out with your son occasionally.

Hahahaha sorry this would never happen.

In your op you said both you and your dh do drop offs. That’s why you're getting that suggestion.

If he only does them once in a blue moon, why do you think you phrased it like they're shared?

Do you do collections as well, or does your dh do those?

You've absolutely no obligation to say yes, but an alternative would be she drops your stepson to your house. If she won't do this, then just say no, you don't have time with getting yourself and your toddler ready.

So she hasn't even approached you politely to see if you might consider doing this? Just complained that you aren't? Seriously cf.

If she hasn't been very agreeable up to this point I would stick to solid boundaries.

The bar for stepparents is set impossibly high, and it will not be lowered by agreeing to do something 'nice' for the other parent, if the other parent isn't particularly open to having a good co-parenting relationship.

The next time something comes up, it won't matter that you've offered to help by picking up her son on her custody days. That will conveniently be forgotten. Boundaries are important for a reason.

To be clear. Sometimes DH does drop offs but rarely, I do most. Apologies my OP didn't go into that in detail.

I pick up sometimes if I'm working from home and I can or H's family helps. Not sure what she does, I think often its family as well.

@NotImpossible

So she hasn't even approached you politely to see if you might consider doing this? Just complained that you aren't? Seriously cf.

No she messaged H because she saw me this morning.

I was going to suggest what @ILoveYou3000 said, say if he’s about my house by ‘X’ time when you leave he can come with us but I’m not waiting and making DS late, if he isn’t here you need to take him yourself that day.
That way, it’s not going out of your way at all but she gets to work on time.

She's a massive CF. Ignore, ignore, ignore! She sounds like the type who, if you give her an inch, will take a mile...

@FawnFrenchieMum

I was going to suggest what *@ILoveYou3000* said, say if he’s about my house by ‘X’ time when you leave he can come with us but I’m not waiting and making DS late, if he isn’t here you need to take him yourself that day. That way, it’s not going out of your way at all but she gets to work on time.

I guess part of me doesn't want to offer solutions to her given her behaviour in the past I'm reluctant to help now even if I could.

Probably petty of me but...

Not your circus not your monkeys. You sort things out when your Stepson is with you, she is responsible when he is is with her.