Organising things to do when DSC are here.

[YeOldePotato]

Is it so wrong of me to deliberately try and arrange meet ups with my friends and hairdressers appointments etc for when the DSC are here?

We have a shared DC so in my mind it's making it easier for DH as the DSC can help him entertain.

Aparantly it doesn't scream "family" to DH and he's getting sulky. I only do it for like one morning or afternoon of the whole weekend so I don't think I'm being too much. It's just too much to have them the whole weekend.

It's all kicked off again because I've arranged the opticians for next weekend they are here.

Is your DH annoyed that he's having to look after his children himself??

@MiniatureHotdog

Is your DH annoyed that he's having to look after his children himself??

No aparantly not. Its because it sends a message to them allegedly. The only message I'm hoping it sends is that it's ok to leave the house and do something! I think they all got a bit too happy staying in during covid lockdowns tbh

It's just too much to have them the whole weekend. I should have said its too much to just have them hanging around vegging out doing nothing the whole weekend. I want to live life.

I think it really depends. Do you get on with his dc when you do spend time with them? Are you taking your own child out during this time so they aren't spending time with their half siblings?
Is it every weekend you're doing this? It can come across as if you're avoiding his children, which I can imagine is frustrating, but equally you are entitled to your own time.

I do this, it means DH has extra pairs of hands with toddler DS and the kids get more bonding time with their brother! Nothing wrong with it in my opinion. Is DH jealous you are getting more child free time do you think? When does he do his bits of admin like the opticians etc?

Well surely insist they all accompany you to the optician. Dh can amuse them in the precinct.. And he can waste his cash amusing them while keeping them occupied.

“ I want to live life” - you’re going to the opticians 😂

Seriously though I hate staying in. So if there is a assumption you’ll stay home all weekend I’d hate that too.

You’re not out so much it seems like you’re avoiding them specifically are you? That’s different to just organising something you want to do because you don’t want to stay in all weekend.

I do this too. DP thinks he wants me home on weekend nights for the sake of being a "family" but what that often looks like is either

1. Him and both DSC sat staring at their separate phones, or
2. Him and DSC engrossed in each other's company and acting like I'm not here.

So ... if I get a better offer than 1. or 2. then I'll take it - the kids don't give a fig if I'm here, and I have a life of my own that doesn't involve sitting around on standby.

I think the problem with asking a question like this is that the responders are pretty much responding in a vacuum. We only know the very limited bit of information that you have provided. Your husband is responding in terms of the totality of the verbal, facial, attitude, and history of your relationship with the kids.

If the sum total of your interactions , verbalizations with and about the kids lead him to believe that you dislike the children, he may reject the idea that your planned absences are for purposes of providing him and your child with bonding time with the older children.

On the other hand, regardless of your motivation, you have the right to create some " me time " for yourself" and you need not and should not have to provide any justification for that.

H might not be happy about it, but the DSC will thank you - one thing children with separated parents often find is that they don't get to spend time with their own parent without the step parent being there, which change the dynamic.
And really, it's not unreasonable for you to go the opticians or the hairdressers whenever you think you need to. It's a bit weird that DH is objecting to you going out by yourself at all at the weekend. When does he think you'll do these life maintenance jobs? Does he think he can control your time? Even if all the children were yours, you'd still need to get out by yourself sometimes. And it does seem quite dull staying in all weekend.
Maybe he can suggest some outings that you can all enjoy together? I suspect part of the issue is that it's actually quite hard to find things that you all want to do together, with different aged children and everyone's personal likes and interests to take into account. As the children get older, they are harder to persuade to do group activities - small children will go wherever their parents take them but with older children/teens they are a lot more selective, and sadly social media/online games can be hard to compete with. A walk to the park might not cut it anymore, and I know there can be a lot of negotiation involved just to get them out of the house. Going out by yourself becomes an even more reasonalble proposition if the DSC are being difficult about it. I don't think it's fair for H to expect you to stay in and do nothing for the whole weekend.

It's too much to have them all weekend?

What on earth will you do if he becomes a full time parent then?

@Justbecause88

I do this, it means DH has extra pairs of hands with toddler DS and the kids get more bonding time with their brother! Nothing wrong with it in my opinion. Is DH jealous you are getting more child free time do you think? When does he do his bits of admin like the opticians etc?

This might be it. But they are here to see him!

He can take time out work a lot easier so does it in the week.

@Whatinthelord

“ I want to live life” - you’re going to the opticians 😂

Seriously though I hate staying in. So if there is a assumption you’ll stay home all weekend I’d hate that too.

You’re not out so much it seems like you’re avoiding them specifically are you? That’s different to just organising something you want to do because you don’t want to stay in all weekend.

Not just the opticians obviously, I see different friends and go out and have fun or for a walk. I'm not avoiding them but I do arrange things for when they are here over when they are not. So given a choice of Saturday brunches or afternoon tea I'll go for the Saturday the DSC are here.

@DelphiniumBlue that's a good point maybe I should try and help him think of family things we can do while they are here. Dragging the eldest out is hard but I imagine they'd happily go to a cafe or something.

@Tattler2 good point yes. I am aware of the limitations of posting here. Its impossible to sum up all the nuances of life in a post on a message board.

@Tigertealeaves that's exactly it!! He doesn't mean it in a bad way he just wants us to all be together but when they are just sat on their devices, or especially after DC has gone to bed it's like I might as well not be there! Any attempts at conversion are met with half arsed replies whilst chatting on their tablets or staring at netflix. They need to veg out though as their mum keeps them very active and they value the down time. I just don't see why I have to join in.

@Willyoujustbequiet I would hope that as a full time parent he would encourage them to do something other than veg out all the time. Or I would go out every weekend.

@YeOldePotato sounds like we are in similar boats! To be fair, we do go out as a family too. But when we're at home it is incredibly dull sometimes. When DP met me I never sat around at home and he does know this!

Also massively agree with the PP who said that DSC want the step parent to go out sometimes. Isn't it normal not to want to be round everyone all the time? Family life is a compromise between what everyone wants, and sometimes it's nice to have different combinations of people at home where you don't have to make that particular compromise that day. e.g. person X hates noise or person Y wants all dad's attention all the time.

I do kind of get his point if you’re at home when it’s just your DC but always out when it’s all the DC. It does sound like you’re avoiding them really.
I wouldn’t have said no to arrangements just because DSD was here but equally we did always do something on the weekends even if that was a trip to the park and cafe

It's not all the time. It's half a day of the whole weekend...

Good god. Op, nothing personal but the amount of threads about men pushing their kids down other peoples throats? It’s staggering.

They’re not your children, they’re not there to see you. It’s clear you are there for parts of the weekend, Which is more than good enough.

Please don’t feel like a prisoner to this notion of you need to be tied to them. It will lead to resentment on your part. You need to have a conversation with him and bottom out what exactly it is that bothers him about this. They’re not your kids and you don’t need to spend the whole weekend with them. They also probably like the 121 time with them. To the comments of it looks like you’re avoiding them? Yeah so what? They’re not her kids. If she doesn’t want to spend the whole weekend tied to the whim of what they want to do, the OP has every right to time on her own. I wouldn’t want to spend whole weekends with someone else’s kids consistently.

Sorry but I have to say, whenever I see threads like this, I always think it’s because these men don’t enjoy their time with their own children. I’m a parent and I actively enjoy my 121 time with my kids.

Do your thing OP, and tell your DP to stop being so precious.

@ReadySteadyTwins

It's not all the time. It's half a day of the whole weekend...

Yes and at the very most its been a day trip in the run up to Christmas which gave me the whole of Sunday to sit there with them.

Sometimes we go and see DH's parents and he usually arranges this for when he has all the children so that's a whole weekend taken up with his family stuff in my mind.

Also a bone of contention is that I don't take more time off when he has them in the holidays. But I work, and I need my holiday for looking after DC when they inevitably get sent home from nursery. I usually manage a week away with everyone in the summer but I can't see the point of taking time off for half terms unless something has been planned

@sassbott oh I have had this conversation with him soooo many times. They are his kids. I will never have the same responsibility or want to spend all weekend end with them. Tbh as they get older I would be expecting them to want to go out by themselves or for him to go about his business and go to the shops or whatever while they mooch at home. I absolutely do not feel like a prisoner just wondering how to get through to Mr sulkypants that sitting with a grumpy teenager and an almost teenager while they message their friends or watch mindless TV is not how I want to waste my life. I want to waste it my way haha.

I shall just carry on and let him grump I think. I'll say look if you have something planned let me know. Otherwise I'm carrying on as I am.

@YeOldePotato the fact that they’re sitting around all weekend doing that also is on him.
My kids would do that if my exh and I allowed it, all the time. We don’t. We take them to see local football / rugby teams play. Much cheaper and more affordable than watching the big teams. Plus they’re in sports training on Sundays (again we had to force them into it in the beginning and now they love it). That’s HIS job however, not yours.

Equally there’s nothing wrong with them gaming/ messaging friends / watching tv. But even k don’t want to hang around with my own when they’re doing that and will happily pop to the shops/ go to the gym etc when they’re sitting in doing that.

How often do they come?

@sassbott exactly! No need for everyone to join them in moochiness. Their mum works them pretty hard in terms of extra curricular stuff and they have another step family on her side so spend the weekends with her doing activities with them. So I don't think the down time with us is an issue really. They have a chilled weekend every 2 weeks with us and then they are here in the holidays for a bit.

It's not like I don't interact with them all weekend! I used to help them with their homework until mum complained as they kept getting too high marks when I helped and "showing off"

Another point I'd make as DC reach teenage years is that they often get their own veto on joining in with family stuff.

If we take 2yo and 11yo for a swim, 13yo will often say he wants to do his own thing instead for an hour. He doesn't fancy the activity or wants to do a hobby / play game online with a friend. Nobody wrings their hands at that and says he is rejecting stepmum/siblings etc etc. It is just "okay DSS1 doesn't like swimming / wants alone time".

If that's okay then OP doing it is okay.