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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU - but not brave enough for the board!

60 replies

GracieLouFreeebush · 03/02/2022 18:28

I’ve been with my partner since his daughter was 1, she is now 12. She has a hobby on a weekend. I have a hobby that I do at the same time (I can do it other times but this is the only time I can do it and socialise, I look forward to it all week).

My DP is upset that I don’t take more of an interest in his daughters hobby by attending on a weekend. I wouldn’t be able to speak to her at all while she is taking part, my DP is one of the organisers so I wouldn’t be with him either. The other parents have to stay the entire session, these are all the friends of DPs ex, she has been friends with them since DSD was born. I’ve met them briefly before at kids parties ect and they aren’t welcoming of me.

DPs ex has made up lots of lies about me over the years - some horrific, I would be naive to assume that these hadn’t been told to these friends. She has also put me in uncomfortable positions by making things up and telling DSD as if to create tension and I have had to either let her believe it or have DP explain her Mum is being unkind.

I have a really good relationship with DSD, she chooses to come to me about friendship problems and other things she has going on over her Mum or Dad - Mum is annoyed by this and complains to my partner but I ignore it because I am more bothered about DSD having someone to go to that she feels she can speak to.

AIBU to not attend this hobby? I feel really anxious about having to sit with her best friends for two hours where they will either shut me out or include me but I will be on edge because they will feed back everything I say leaving it open to manipulation. But DP thinks it would mean a lot to DSD.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Mogul · 03/02/2022 18:31

No if course you aren't

ChittyBangs · 03/02/2022 18:32

I think if I had a good relationship with DSD I would show my face one week and see what it's like and decide from there.
Understand your reasons as to why you don't want to and ofc your own hobby.

Susu49 · 03/02/2022 18:33

Yanbu

Sounds like dad is projecting way too much onto his daughter. If she's not bothered then I don't see why you should be.

sadpapercourtesan · 03/02/2022 18:35

He's being ridiculous. Of course you should carry on going to your own activity. He has no right to ask you not to, let alone to sit with his ex's bloody friends for two hours every week!

ultrababy · 03/02/2022 18:35

I recently resurrected a thread of mine. In it I mentioned that the key to me being able to parent effectively was being able to choose which parts or how involved I wanted to be without repercussions or being made to feel bad. I still stand by this. You are not the mother therefore the expectations for you should be different. You should be able to prioritise what you need to be your best self. It does t matter what he thinks.

theremustonlybeone · 03/02/2022 18:36

Not sure why your DP is making an issue out of this. You are busy doing your own hobby, she with hers , she has a parent watching and you have a good relationship with her- nothing to discuss.

rookiemere · 03/02/2022 18:37

He should be pleased that you have a hobby you enjoy and can participate in without it eating into the rest of the weekend.

Anoisagusaris · 03/02/2022 18:38

Nobody watched kids’ hobbies here, unless it’s a match or game or an annual show.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 03/02/2022 18:39

Sounds like he wants you there for effect and not for dsd... At 12 she is old enough to respect you also have a hobby. Sounds like you have a good enough relationship without her df meddling.

WanJames · 03/02/2022 18:57

Yanbu.
Is it really because he can’t be arsed so you pick it up?

sadpapercourtesan · 03/02/2022 19:00

It worries me that he thinks you would be happy to sit with his ex-wife's friends, actually. Does he think women are just interchangeable?! Stunning lack of respect and empathy.

MeridianB · 03/02/2022 19:07

Your DP is being super unreasonable!

For starters, it’s great that he and his daughter do thus thing together. If you were available and refused to ever go that might be different. But as you have your own hobby at the same time I just don’t get his problem.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with DSD, which is all that matters. He should count his blessings.

As an aside, I wouldn’t volunteer to go into a viper’s nest of the high conflict ex’s buddies.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2022 19:13

While the back story is awful for you it’s entirely irrelevant. His kid, her hobby, you’d have no obligation to give up precious weekend time even if you didn’t have a better offer. There’s no reason at all for you to go, nearly all of these types of activities are boring as shite to watch.

You have a good relationship against the odds and have nothing to prove.

Tell him not to mention it again.

ilovemyboys3 · 03/02/2022 19:23

I would say it's ideal to go to your hobby when she is at hers. Why would you want to go and watch anyways 🤷🏻‍♀️

Frankola · 03/02/2022 19:29

No you don't need to go to her hobby when you are busy with your own.

I dont get why your dh thinks you should? What will it achieve?

Original poster

GracieLouFreeebush · 03/02/2022 19:33

Is it really because he can’t be arsed so you pick it up
He would have to go even if I went!

I’m glad you’ve all agreed pretty much because I couldn’t judge if I just needed to suck it up and go or if it was reasonable to say no. DSD knows that her hobby is my worst nightmare but we do other things that we both enjoy.

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 03/02/2022 19:40

No of course YANBU

If there was something mega-special going on (big fixture, show it whatever) then perhaps consider going as a rare one-off - but only if you think DSD wouid appreciate it.

As she's got this far without your presence, I'd actually be quite surprised if she gave a stuff. As this is the age where parents are ever less likely to hang around as stay

toobusytothink · 03/02/2022 19:43

Haha as if you would want to go!. Definitely your DPs issue not your DSDs. It was my OH’s son’s bday the other w/e. Had a party for a few of his friends. I did actually have an appointment but he said he wouldn’t have asked me to go anyway as he knew I’d say no. He admitted he felt sad about it but his son didn’t give a cr*p. I don’t get much alone time to do my hobby and it was during those few hours that I do have free. I don’t feel at all bad. (Realise I sound horrible but we have an understanding when it comes to his kids)

lunar1 · 03/02/2022 20:03

Why is he searching for problems that don't exist!

ldontWanna · 03/02/2022 20:15

What does your DSD say or think about it?

I mean if she really wanted you there and this was driven by her, I'd possibly attend once a month or at more special sessions if there are any.

If she's all good and doesn't care either way, then this is all about her father and he can stuff it. What prompted this anyways? I'd suspect someone made a snarky comment and he's doing it for "looks".

Original poster

GracieLouFreeebush · 03/02/2022 20:32

Why is he searching for problems that don't exist!

He phrased it as it would both mean a lot to her and encourage her knowing I was there for support

OP posts:

Pallisers · 03/02/2022 20:36

even if she were your own child it would be perfectly reasonable for you to do your hobby while she is at hers - with her dad there with her. Just how much attention and encouragement does a 12 year old need? Is your dh measuing love in terms of sacrifice and misery? ridiculous.

HeckyPeck · 03/02/2022 21:15

Definitely not being unreasonable.

Your partner is being a dick to think you should give up something you look forward to all week to spend time surrounded by people who don't like you, watching a hobby your step daughter knows you hate. He's being incredibly selfish.

I might go if there was an event or show as a one off, but I would only do that if I had a friend who would like to come. They could be a buffer as well as some company.

I'm sure at 14 she doesn't need a cheer squad for her hobby when her dad is there and very involved.

lunar1 · 03/02/2022 21:23

You sound like you have a lovely relationship with her without going to her hobby. I don't understand why he wants to put you in a situation that would clearly be uncomfortable for you.

Starseeking · 03/02/2022 22:51

Your DP is projecting his feelings onto you. And he only wants you there for show, given you'd not be able to speak to either him or DSD.

I'd just carry on with doing my own hobby at the same time, if I were you.

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