AIBU - but not brave enough for the board!

[GracieLouFreeebush]

I’ve been with my partner since his daughter was 1, she is now 12. She has a hobby on a weekend. I have a hobby that I do at the same time (I can do it other times but this is the only time I can do it and socialise, I look forward to it all week).

My DP is upset that I don’t take more of an interest in his daughters hobby by attending on a weekend. I wouldn’t be able to speak to her at all while she is taking part, my DP is one of the organisers so I wouldn’t be with him either. The other parents have to stay the entire session, these are all the friends of DPs ex, she has been friends with them since DSD was born. I’ve met them briefly before at kids parties ect and they aren’t welcoming of me.

DPs ex has made up lots of lies about me over the years - some horrific, I would be naive to assume that these hadn’t been told to these friends. She has also put me in uncomfortable positions by making things up and telling DSD as if to create tension and I have had to either let her believe it or have DP explain her Mum is being unkind.

I have a really good relationship with DSD, she chooses to come to me about friendship problems and other things she has going on over her Mum or Dad - Mum is annoyed by this and complains to my partner but I ignore it because I am more bothered about DSD having someone to go to that she feels she can speak to.

AIBU to not attend this hobby? I feel really anxious about having to sit with her best friends for two hours where they will either shut me out or include me but I will be on edge because they will feed back everything I say leaving it open to manipulation. But DP thinks it would mean a lot to DSD.

You've essentially asked two different questions here:

1. Do you think a step parent should ever sacrifice anything in their own lives for the step kids?

Speaking from my own experience, a step mother sacrifices an enormous amount from their own lives for the step kids - everything from huge life decisions like where to live, and smaller things such as lie-ins on weekends and when holidays are taken and where they are spent (usually with her money included), physical energy looking after the children, mental energy in harassment from the ex into her private life, financial contributions towards the costs of the kids. And so on

1. At no stage in their entire life can a step parent be expected to consider or treat the step kid as their own?

If you can say that you would be happy with another woman treating your children 'as their own' - having input into parenting, education, medical choices etc, then this is a very naive view to take and usually translates as "give up everything for kids that are not your own - mental, physical, financial, but you'd better not express an opinion and get back in your box when I deem you've crossed that invisible line".

So yes, step mothers sacrifice a lot, can love their step children tremendously, but (excluding some rare situations) are aware they are not their parent and never will be. So to carve out a couple of precious hours for themselves on a weekend when their lives revolve around someone else's children is not exactly a selfish decision is it?

@stepparentbingo HERE HERE!

You couldn’t have put that any better.

I am lucky that my DHs ex and I have a good relationship and she is supportive of my relationship with her son. I have no idea how people who aren’t afforded that courtesy manage it.

Yes @stepparentbingo Post of the week.

Excellent post by @stepparentbingo

To add my own at the questions we’re directed at me.

I paid for every holiday we took them on because DH couldn’t afford it.

We bought a house somewhere we didn’t choose because their mother moved away without telling him first.

We have a much bigger mortgage so we can afford a suitable house for them.

I plan our lives around their needs and activities.

I’ll only have one child of my own because DH already had two.

I stood bleeding and losing my own baby to decorate a birthday cake for my DSC because despite my heart breaking I wanted them to have a nice birthday the following day.

I put a brave face on while losing another baby to make them dinner and put them to bed while DH fell apart and couldn’t do anything but sob into a pillow one night.

Our wedding was planned around contact with them and what we thought they’d enjoy.

Not wanting to spend hours standing outside on a weekend morning watching an activity, whether or not I have other plans, doesn’t mean I don’t make sacrifices. In the past, now and no doubt in the future.

Reading your story @AnneLovesGilbert has made me feel really quite sad and angry at how narrow @kirinm has been.
I wasn’t able to put into words so succinctly what others have managed to do but, my God, do stepmothers make sacrifices.

Very much here in virtual solidarity with you, and all the other step mums and dads. You have had beyond shit experiences and have powered through. I am so sorry for what you have experienced.

Do you think a step parent should ever sacrifice anything in their own lives for the step kids? The OP has been around this particular child since she was a small baby but it is still his kid and his problem according to the step mums here.

Is this how all step mothers think? At no stage in their entire life can a step parent be expected to consider or treat the step kid as their own? It is such a weird way of thinking.

You don’t know what I’ve sacrificed. I own the house we live in, I have a bigger mortgage than I would like so that my step children can have their own rooms, as a result my and my partner can’t afford to have children together. All holidays we take are based on what his children would enjoy, we don’t go on couples holidays or anything like that and we never have been because I have never wanted to take away from his children as they were around before me. I am there through everything as if they were my own children, but don’t actually get an opinion that is listened to on the big points.

I also go to my DPs exes to tutor their child for 2 hours a week as they are struggling with school (I’m a teacher). Even though his ex made false allegations about me to school that resulted in me being removed from site and not allowed to work for 8 weeks while I was investigated over something that had zero truth - at a key point of GCSE revision for my classes meaning they were massively impacted. I go round and tutor because I love the children more than anything even though it’s an awful environment for me to be in. But ok, I don’t treat them as my own because I want a couple of hours a week with my friends rather than being outside in a cold field on my own for a couple of hours a week. None of the other kids have 2 parents with them, but because I’m a step parent I’m out of order.

YANBU you are entitled to have your own hobby and downtime. Otherwise it gives a vibe that EVERYTHING needs to be rotated around her. I am unlikely to do this for my own child and zero chance for a stepchild

I probably wouldn't attend for my own biological DD if her dad was already in attendance and I had my own hobby to do at the same time.

So YANBU.

You are YAMBU.

YANBU even!