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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU - but not brave enough for the board!

60 replies

GracieLouFreeebush · 03/02/2022 18:28

I’ve been with my partner since his daughter was 1, she is now 12. She has a hobby on a weekend. I have a hobby that I do at the same time (I can do it other times but this is the only time I can do it and socialise, I look forward to it all week).

My DP is upset that I don’t take more of an interest in his daughters hobby by attending on a weekend. I wouldn’t be able to speak to her at all while she is taking part, my DP is one of the organisers so I wouldn’t be with him either. The other parents have to stay the entire session, these are all the friends of DPs ex, she has been friends with them since DSD was born. I’ve met them briefly before at kids parties ect and they aren’t welcoming of me.

DPs ex has made up lots of lies about me over the years - some horrific, I would be naive to assume that these hadn’t been told to these friends. She has also put me in uncomfortable positions by making things up and telling DSD as if to create tension and I have had to either let her believe it or have DP explain her Mum is being unkind.

I have a really good relationship with DSD, she chooses to come to me about friendship problems and other things she has going on over her Mum or Dad - Mum is annoyed by this and complains to my partner but I ignore it because I am more bothered about DSD having someone to go to that she feels she can speak to.

AIBU to not attend this hobby? I feel really anxious about having to sit with her best friends for two hours where they will either shut me out or include me but I will be on edge because they will feed back everything I say leaving it open to manipulation. But DP thinks it would mean a lot to DSD.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Hapoydayz · 03/02/2022 22:56

Carry on with your own hobby. Sounds like it would be uncomfortable there anyway it could only cause potential drama. Can't think why your dp would push it really.

Talipesmum · 03/02/2022 22:58

I think you’re doing fine. Sounds v sensible and reasonable. I def would not want to start going there regularly.

But it might be nice to go just occasionally, depending on what it is? Eg if she’s playing cricket, just once or twice seeing her play and saying “cor you did well”, or if she is dancing or playing in a concert or whatever it is, to be able to see her doing her skill really well and be able to compliment her on it would be nice. But it might not be that sort of thing at all. And if you did go, just stay right away from the crowds.

Blendiful · 03/02/2022 23:09

I don’t think YABU.

I agree with others for a big event/match/competition whatever. Then maybe go. But each week no.

Not with exes friends and not above your own hobby you do for you.

Asking how it went etc when you/she gets back, saying welldone and asking questions (even if you don’t particularly care or are interested in whatever it is) is perfectly enough.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 04/02/2022 00:09

@GracieLouFreeebush

Is it really because he can’t be arsed so you pick it up He would have to go even if I went!

I’m glad you’ve all agreed pretty much because I couldn’t judge if I just needed to suck it up and go or if it was reasonable to say no. DSD knows that her hobby is my worst nightmare but we do other things that we both enjoy.

(missing the point completely) it's not violin lessons is it - that would be my worst nightmare hobby wise? Which is particularly bad as when played properly, the violin, harp and piano - oh, and the sax, are my favourite instruments, and everyone was a beginner once!

As for the other matter, I agree with everyone else, I wonder why your partner is being so silly over this?

WanJames · 04/02/2022 00:26

@GracieLouFreeebush

Is it really because he can’t be arsed so you pick it up He would have to go even if I went!

So wtf is the point of you being there if he has to anyway 🤨 Tell him no! You obviously spend time together in other ways so what on earth is his problem? Dipstick!

SausageSoupSaturday · 04/02/2022 00:29

Why would dad and stepmum both need to attend a 12 year old's hobby on a weekly basis! Very OTT

sassbott · 04/02/2022 07:26

Not remotely unreasonable. I agree with the PP that he is projecting his wants and needs/ but hiding it behind his DD.

Does he pull this sort of stunt at any other times or is this a one off?

tiredofthisshit21 · 04/02/2022 07:44

Oh God, yet another dad who has unreasonable expectations of what a SM should do. Live your own life, have your own activities on a weekend and tell him to grow the fuck up.

KindleBeKind · 04/02/2022 09:59

YANBU - enjoy your hobby and let her father look after his daughter. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty.

I know what you mean about friendship groups. I had exactly the same, if we socialised with DH's friends all of the wives were best friends with ex-wife and were either openly hostile to me or reported everything back to ex wife. I now don't bother with any of them.

AlDanvers · 04/02/2022 10:27

Definitely not bu. You have something on. And going to stand on your own, isn't showing anymore interest than asking her about it.

Whatever his motivation is, it's nit his daughters benefit. It might be taht he sees other couples there and wishes you were involved together or wants to palm off some jobs on you. But whatever it is it isnr because its in dd best interest.

Spookytooth · 04/02/2022 10:40

Find another hobby that you enjoy and see if she wants to try it - knitting, yoga, anything under the sun.
I remember sitting during athletics all Saturday (DD taking part in one short race) - dire

CornishGem1975 · 04/02/2022 11:12

YANBU.

I don't even want to go watch my own DC at the weekends let alone SC. It's your spread time, crack on with your own hobby OP. She's got her dad there.

hellcatspangle · 04/02/2022 11:16

Of course not! He's being ridiculous.

Campervangirl · 04/02/2022 12:08

If its that important that dsd feels supported in her hobby her dm should go, her friends are all there, she'll have a blast I'm sure 😏
You continue with your hobby

aSofaNearYou · 04/02/2022 15:12

Your DP is being both ridiculous and inconsiderate.

RedWingBoots · 04/02/2022 15:28

Absolutely no where in your posts have you stated that your 12 year old SD has asked you to attend.

I've been asked to attend shows and events by children, but never to watch them to do a specific hobby's training. This is because they already have an adult who is taking them to that hobby so other adults are surplus to requirements.

Your DP is trying to create issues when there are none. He's being stupid.

SurfWaves · 04/02/2022 21:19

Yanbu you are allowed time for yourself.

mangodreams · 05/02/2022 07:31

I would do it as a one off - tell her you would like to come see her doing her hobby because you are interested to see what it is like and you will miss yours for one week. It is only once so I'm sure you can put up with non friendly people for a short period, you don't have to talk to anyone just be polite then watch her doing the hobby.

Afterwards you can tell dsd how good she was and how well she did this and that and you are glad you came, then go back to your own hobby the next week.

GeneLovesJezebel · 05/02/2022 07:33

Absolutely don’t go, do your own thing.

MrFsAunt · 05/02/2022 08:11

YANBU at all. No need to make yourself a martyr over this - because that's what it would be.

You sound like a great stepmum btw.

Anniegetyourgun76 · 05/02/2022 10:50

God no, carry on as you are, he's being a dick. If your DSD wanted you there she'd have asked you surely. Have you asked her whether she particularly wants you to go?

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 05/02/2022 11:00

I have no problems with Ex new partner, Dd likes her, she sounds like a nice person. But neither of us would expect her to turn up at DDs sporting events, unless I suppose it was a very, very, big important match (I'm think National or Olympics or something). There's just no need for it, she can be supportive by asking about the matches etc and taking a general interest.

Is it perhaps because your DH is also involved and he thinks you should be too? I saw this quite alot when DD was swimming competitively and for some it was a whole family affair (thank goodness for those volunteers) with DC swimming, parents officiating, nan, grandad, aunt, uncles, step parents and step siblingsit was nice they had the support but it was alot.

buddylicious · 07/02/2022 23:41

Is it a hobby where she competes? If so it may be nice occasionally if you could go to watch an important competition or match. However, it's totally up to you. Don't feel obligated.

Libertypancake · 08/02/2022 10:19

I do think that sometimes everyone throwing shade at DP can be a bit helpful )’(if you’re anything like me you’ll automatically get defensive!!)
I’m sure he is a brilliant partner in many ways but I think he’s wrong on this one. As long as DSD is fine with it, then you do you thing. And tbh, even if she did want you there, given the reception you’d likely get from the other mums, I still think you’d be within your rights to kindly decline but offer some kind of alternative where you can spend time together.

kirinm · 08/02/2022 10:44

@AnneLovesGilbert

While the back story is awful for you it’s entirely irrelevant. His kid, her hobby, you’d have no obligation to give up precious weekend time even if you didn’t have a better offer. There’s no reason at all for you to go, nearly all of these types of activities are boring as shite to watch.

You have a good relationship against the odds and have nothing to prove.

Tell him not to mention it again.

Do you think a step parent should ever sacrifice anything in their own lives for the step kids? The OP has been around this particular child since she was a small baby but it is still his kid and his problem according to the step mums here.

Is this how all step mothers think? At no stage in their entire life can a step parent be expected to consider or treat the step kid as their own? It is such a weird way of thinking.

OP - as it goes, I wouldn't want to go to my kids hobby every week especially if DP was around - plus she's 12 and presumably doesn't actually need you there. But, if it was some sort of special event I'd make the effort.

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