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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Struggling new step-mum

52 replies

LynseyLyn · 01/02/2022 13:16

New user here!
Anyone have any advice on how to handle becoming a new step-mum to two kids (8 and 12) when you don't agree with the things that are and are not allowed to do?

I've been with my partner for 15 months and met his 2 kids (from 2 different mums) last summer. He moved in with me last October and they've started staying here with him, but I am really struggling to wrap my head around how 12 in particular is being brought up.

The 8yr old is has a bit of an attitude problem at times, being sassy and acting entitled, but these are isolated incidents and I get on with her really well other than that.

The 12yr old is a whole different story, though. He shows no manners, shows no respect for me or the fact that he is in my house and I cannot understand how he is allowed to stay up by himself until gone midnight on weekends because "that's the way kids are these days".

Anyone been in a similar situation who has any advice on how to handle this whole new world?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lobsteroll · 01/02/2022 13:28

Well I suppose you're not really their step mum at all. You've beeb dating their dad for just over a year.

It's up to him to parent and discipline them, not you.

If they are disrespectful to you in your house then he should of course deal with that, but I'm shocked that you had him move in with you so soon, surely you would have foreseen this issue coming when you agreed to this?

As far as what time the kids go to bed though, I don't think that's any of your business.

RedWingBoots · 01/02/2022 13:32

Ask MN to move this thread to the step-parenting board.

However in general you are on a hiding to nothing.

As a step-parent you have no parental responsibility as the children have two parents. These are your partner and their mother.

If the children are rude to you in your own house, you can request that your partner sees them and takes them to stay elsewhere until they learn some manners.

If your partner refuses to then you need to tell your partner to move out again or to end the relationship.

ShavingTheBadger · 01/02/2022 13:38

Move the thread to the Step board - otherwise you get people bailing in with "your not their mum and it's none of your business" opinions.

Me personally - if he's moved in with you into your house then I'm of the "my house, my rules" stance and I will not budge from that. Ever.

Littlehouseonthefairy · 01/02/2022 13:39

I wouldn't get involved in how he brings them up. I would tell my bf that anybody who wants to stay in my house needs to be generally polite and respectful to me. Obviously they are DC so will sometimes be cheeky but why have someone who isn't related to you staying in your house if they are always rude?

NowEvenBetter · 01/02/2022 14:11

Hopefully you’re not providing childcare for your boyfriend, it’s very common for some men to quickly move a new girlfriend in and guilt trip them in to parenting their kids for them.
They’re there to have contact with their father, don’t fall in to parenting these kids, get your boyfriend to put a stop to any rudeness.
At least you have concrete evidence of what sort of parent he is if you chose to be baby mother number three.

Oopsiedaisy80 · 01/02/2022 14:14

Just offer kindness.. sad for the kids, they probably dont want to see their dad at his gf's house.. stay out of everything else imo

driftcompatible · 01/02/2022 14:57

You're not their SM you're their dad's girlfriend. He needs to be setting boundaries.

QuirkyTurtle · 01/02/2022 15:51

Genuine question, what is it with MN and condescension towards unmarried people. Some people simply don't want to be married, ever. Marriage isn't a guarantee your relationship is long term. Stepmums are stepmums, regardless of legal status.

KindleBeKind · 01/02/2022 16:02

I don’t understand the attitudes of some people. Just because you’re not married doesn’t make you less of a step parent. I was bullied equally both before and after marriage by my step kids. It made no difference.
Sorry OP no advice other than to get out if you can.

Blueberryflavour · 01/02/2022 16:02

How convenient for your partner you met approx Oct 2020 you met his kids in the summer who don’t live in the same house while at their mums just together at their dad’s. Then in Oct 2021 he moves into yours and the kids have contact with him at your house. I can’t think why the kids are upset and act up? Ask your partner to leave and concentrate on his kids would be my advice. You can still date but you don’t HAVE to live together. I don’t care whether you are married or not, by the way, just don’t understand the rush.

Santahasjoinedww · 01/02/2022 16:04

Dc up til all hours is waaay unacceptable.. Lack of parenting imo.
Is he who you thought he was now you have seen him with his dc op?

KylieKoKo · 01/02/2022 16:08

You're not their SM you're their dad's girlfriend.

Oh good someone's started a game of step mum bingo!

sassbott · 01/02/2022 16:09

My advice is to sit down with your partner and talk about the issues with the children that you are finding difficult to handle.

He will either adapt his parenting/ work with you on compromises / address the rudeness in your home. Or he won’t. What you then do with that is your choice.

There is also a child’s perspective here. The kids met you in the summer and months later (oct) they were having contact with their father in your house. From the kids perspective, it happened very quickly and they were given very little time (by either of you) to adapt. 🤷🏽‍♀️

KylieKoKo · 01/02/2022 16:14

OP I think you have to separate out the things that directly effect you (like if they are rude to you) and things that you just don't agree with (like late bedtimes). Insist on politeness and good manners but disengage from parenting decisions like bed times. If you partner stands by while they are rude to you then this is a problem that needs to be addressed.

Don't feel like you always have to be there during contact times. Arrange to go out with your friends or do something you enjoy some times.

Petsop · 01/02/2022 16:17

Don’t focus on the kids, you’ve got a man problem. Think he’s taking you for a bit of a ride. Why did he move into your place so quickly? How someone parents is a really key aspect to a relationship. If you both have different approaches it’s never going work, even more so when they are not your children. Honestly living with someone else’s kids is really hard work. I’d move on OP. Esp if he’s actually a lazy low standards parent who can’t be arsed to teach their kids to behave / go to sleep at a decent time. Plenty more fish in the sea.

QuirkyTurtle · 01/02/2022 16:19

There are not a lot of perks to being a stepparent, but one of the very few perks is that you can see how a man parents before having a child with them yourself. It sounds like this man is really struggling with the parenting itself.

I agree with previous posters that this is an SO issue, not a stepchild issue. If you can't get on the same page about your wants/needs and balancing that with the kids' wants/needs, your stepparenting journey is going to become very very difficult.

GrazingSheep · 01/02/2022 16:25

Unfortunately your boyfriend has little interest in how you feel about how his children behave in your house. That’s a red flag right there. Luckily it’s your house so you can show him the door if you decide that’s what would work best for you.

Tattler2 · 01/02/2022 16:35

OP, if you disagree with his parenting style the reasonable thong to do is to insist that when he had his children he should make other living arrangements for that period of time.

If he is paying his share of the living expenses, then he had a right to have his children in the residence where he is paying to stay.

In any case, you need not be interacting with or providing care for his children under any circumstances.

Tattler2 · 01/02/2022 16:50

@QuirkyTurtle
So is it that only childless men that have girl friends and men with children have step mom's for their children?

My cousin has lived with 3 different women since his divorce. Does that mean that each of those women became his children's step mom? He is only 34 years old. At that rate that he changes partners, his children will likely have had 6 step mothers by time the eldest is a teen. Surely, that cannot be a healthy way to model family development for young children. Do most women who are dating or living with a partner want to be cast in the role of step mom to his children?

Tiramysu · 01/02/2022 16:57

If your partner isn't on the same page then you're best living apart tbh

SeasonFinale · 01/02/2022 16:59

Hi OP back to the question in hand. No otnis not normal for all 12 year old to stay up until gone midnight although it may be in some families. However any policing of this will need to come from your DP. If he is prepared to parent in this way you need to have a discussion with him as to why you don't think it is appropriate in your (joint) home and the impact on your relationship. Once you are on the same parenting page it then becomes easier to enforce a bedtime (with no electronics) is x pm at this house.

I would also call out any sass from an 8 year old as soon as it borders on rude rather than cute.

MzHz · 01/02/2022 17:20

@RedWingBoots

Ask MN to move this thread to the step-parenting board.

However in general you are on a hiding to nothing.

As a step-parent you have no parental responsibility as the children have two parents. These are your partner and their mother.

If the children are rude to you in your own house, you can request that your partner sees them and takes them to stay elsewhere until they learn some manners.

If your partner refuses to then you need to tell your partner to move out again or to end the relationship.

It’s this simple! Honestly OP, you don’t need this or deserve this

MeridianB · 01/02/2022 18:08

@RedWingBoots

Ask MN to move this thread to the step-parenting board.

However in general you are on a hiding to nothing.

As a step-parent you have no parental responsibility as the children have two parents. These are your partner and their mother.

If the children are rude to you in your own house, you can request that your partner sees them and takes them to stay elsewhere until they learn some manners.

If your partner refuses to then you need to tell your partner to move out again or to end the relationship.

I agree. Your DP needs to remind them about manners and if they choose not to listen or he decides he doesn’t want to call them on this behaviour then this he’s not going to support you if anything bigger develops.

Where was he living before he moved in with you? Was it his idea to move in?

QuirkyTurtle · 01/02/2022 18:15

@Tattler2 I don't know why you are asking me that question because I'm not exactly qualified to speak on behalf of 'most women'.

KatyAnna · 01/02/2022 18:25

Do the children stay with you at the same time?

Try looking at from the 12 year old’s perspective. He must have been a toddler when his dad left in order to have the second DC with someone else. And so I guess he got used to having contact at the second mum’s place when your partner was with her. And then they split up - how long ago?

And now contact is at your house. Your partner is not exactly putting his DC first here, is he? Where did he live before he met you? Where did contact take place?

And no 12 year olds don’t all stay up past midnight, even on a weekend. Mine is in bed by nine or nine thirty at the latest. Not always asleep, but in bed.

I think your partner needs to spend some time with his DC and also put some boundaries in place.

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