Struggling new step-mum

[LynseyLyn]

New user here!
Anyone have any advice on how to handle becoming a new step-mum to two kids (8 and 12) when you don't agree with the things that are and are not allowed to do?

I've been with my partner for 15 months and met his 2 kids (from 2 different mums) last summer. He moved in with me last October and they've started staying here with him, but I am really struggling to wrap my head around how 12 in particular is being brought up.

The 8yr old is has a bit of an attitude problem at times, being sassy and acting entitled, but these are isolated incidents and I get on with her really well other than that.

The 12yr old is a whole different story, though. He shows no manners, shows no respect for me or the fact that he is in my house and I cannot understand how he is allowed to stay up by himself until gone midnight on weekends because "that's the way kids are these days".

Anyone been in a similar situation who has any advice on how to handle this whole new world?

Thanks to everyone who has given helpful posts and opinions. There is obviously a lot more detail that I didn't put into my original post, but to cover some of the comments; the children were introduced to me at their pace. They knew about me well before they met me, and were asking to meet me for weeks before they actually did. They wanted to stay at my place right away, but we held off too. We did not rush into anything and made sure they were both comfortable at every step. OH and I are not young and naive. We know what we want and are planning our lives together, but we only started calling me step-mum when 8 did it first. I don't spend every moment OH has with them - we do spend some time all together, yes, but I definitely have my own life whole they're with their dad and he takes them out without me, too. No, I'm not expected to parent them. The closest we got was when I took 8 to school the morning OH tested positive for covid, and that was a one off. I'm never asked to do anything but do occasionally volunteer when I sense it is needed.

To clarify, my original post was not advice on how to parent these children, but as seeking advice from others who might have been in a similar situation, where they found certain behaviours strange or difficult to comprehend and whether they might have advice on coping mechanisms for that.

There are a couple of things I have sat my OH down to talk about. He doesn't necessarily agree with some of them, as he's never personally had issues with them, but he does understand my views and works with me to compromise.

And finally, as I mentioned, I'm new here so didn't realise there was a step thread! Not sure how to get this moved, but sorry for the error!

@QuirkyTurtle
My apologies , I thought it was you who said that a step mom is a step mom regardless of legal status. I guess I find that statement confusing. It seems to suggest that anytime or every time a man moves in a new live in partner that his children get a new step mom.

This is not condescension on my psrt. I just don't understand how children are suppose to know who is dad's girlfriend vs who is their step mother. Is the step mother anyone with whom dad chooses to live? Is the woman suppose to assume that she becomes a step mother simply because her partner has children?

It must be a somewhat confusing world particularly for children to live in when words as significant as "step mother "or "step fathe"r have such fluid meanings.

Adults can choose to marry or not marry at will, but words usually have some definitive and universally accepted definitions. If I were dating or even living with a partner who has children, I would not like him or them assuming by virtue of our relationship that I automatically became a step mother.

To answer your question, OP, I’d speak to DP about the manners and expect him to address it. If he didn’t want to, I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

Bigger issues will come along, especially with teenage years and two exes to deal with. So if he doesn’t expect basic manners (esp in your home) then this is going to be a rocky road.

No, I don't think that everyone who has a relationship with a man with children is automatically a stepmother. But OP refers to herself as stepmom, has her stepchildren move (part-time) into her flat, and is obviously wanting to take on a stepmother role. She is asking for advice and a response that starts with 'you are not a stepmother, you are dad's girlfriend' is unhelpful, condescending and disrespectful.

I’ve a 12 year old, he’s goes to bed whenever he wants at weekends but he’s good at self regulating. Sometimes it’s 9 and sometimes it’s 12. A lot of his friends are the same.

I think the problem is it’s very unreasonable for kids to have to behave like guests in somewhere that should be their second home.
It’s also unreasonable for the partner, to suddenly, from zero relationship accept these young people into their home and take it over. This is particular true when step parent hasn’t ever been a parent so doesn’t really know what’s just ordinary kid stuff when they aren’t on their best behaviour at school/clubs etc.

I think the whole set up is asking an awful lot of you and the kids. Do you have to live together?

@KylieKoKo

OP I think you have to separate out the things that directly effect you (like if they are rude to you) and things that you just don't agree with (like late bedtimes). Insist on politeness and good manners but disengage from parenting decisions like bed times. If you partner stands by while they are rude to you then this is a problem that needs to be addressed.

Don't feel like you always have to be there during contact times. Arrange to go out with your friends or do something you enjoy some times.

I agree with almost all that @kyliekoko has said except the bit about the bedtimes. I think that if there are parenting decisions that affect you and your life in a negative way (which a child staying up until midnight might) then I think you should discuss this with their partner.

My DSC live with me and DP. I don't agree with every bit of parenting DP does but there are things I just step back from because that's his choice, for example I think they play the computer too much and each too much junk food but that's his choice to make as a parent (and to be fair it's more than he would like for both as well, and it's still less than they used to have at their mum's when they lived there).

They also used to go to bed really late as that's what they were used to at their mum's. DP gave them an earlier bedtime but they were still not going to bed until 10pm most nights (they are 5 and 9). It meant me and DP had zero child-free time together and DSC would be shattered which made them grumpy. I spoke to him about this and said they need to be going to bed earlier. I showed him an article online that explained how much sleep children need each night at each age and stage of development and he agreed and now they go to bed at a decent time each night.

It's hard when you're a step-parent because they're not your children so you don't feel like it's up to you to make decisions about them, but your a family unit now and when it's decisions that also affect you then it's absolutely fair for you to be considered and part of making those decisions.

Do you have kids yourself?

I have a 13 year old, work with teenagers and would love to be a step parent - but I would struggle to be a step parent to a teenager.

Teens are difficult and your best bet is to pick your battles/stay out of it unless it directly effects you.

You have rushed into this relationship which is a shame as you’ve missed out the best bits and are now left with all the difficult parts.

@QuirkyTurtle
I think that when some people say " you are not a step mom" they actually mean it in a liberating way. In essence they are recognizing the woman's choice not to have legally encumbered herself in that way even if the father is out sourcing his responsibility for care to the woman.

I think it is a way of saying to the woman that you are free to create the parameters around the relationship that you wish to have with this man's children.

I don't see disrespect or condescension in any way. I see women choosing to live outside of traditional conventional roles who are then trying to contort themselves into conventionally expected definitions and behaviors.

Simple...your house your rules. Not applying that directly to the kids but your partner needs to be giving you that respect. If you aren't comfortable with the 12 year old staying up til all hours then your partner needs to co operate and agree a bedtime, 10pm would be my suggestion at the weekend. You wouldn't let anyone else (a friend?) Stay and just come and go as they please would you ?. If you can't agree maybe he needs to make other arrangements

I'm very much of the "not your circus not your monkeys" train of thought BUT they have you moved into your house.

You are absolutely entitled to set some boundaries and if people who have moved into your house are rude and unpleasant you are perfectly within your rights to tell your partner he needs to see them elsewhere.

Sorry but I'd never let my home be over run by people who were rude to me and who I had no "say" over. Can't think of anything worse

You really want to be in a relationship with a man who's such an ineffectual father? He knows how much their behaviour bothers you, in your home, yet does nothing to remedy it. This doesn't bode well at all.

The fact he's got two kids to two different women and he moved in with you after 15months shows he has poor judgement and that he isn't a keeper. Those kids lack any stability and suddenly have a new step mum to contend with staying at home the 1st child has already been through it with another stepmom and having a sibling. I'd be furious if I as the dms in the situation.

@Bananarama21 the judgement in your message is astonishing. Would you say the same to a DM with children with different fathers or is your attitude reserved only for fathers and step mums?

[quote KindleBeKind]@Bananarama21 the judgement in your message is astonishing. Would you say the same to a DM with children with different fathers or is your attitude reserved only for fathers and step mums?[/quote]
I don't think anything this poster said is that terrible.

My husband has children with two different women, me and his ex.

He has already said before that he doesn't feel he'd ever be able to have a serious, live in, relationship again if me and him ever divorced when the children were still small as it would be too much for the children to have a third "family" and far too much complication for them.

Moving into a new partners home when they don't have a good relationship with your children after a short period of time is never a good idea, man or woman. This man has the added complication of two children by two different mother's, that just adds another layer of issues imo.

Why did you move this man into your home so quickly when he had two children?

I am always interested to know what his living arrangements were before this. As the blokes that quickly move in with the GF do so because they are living in a house share or small one bed flat and they suddenly have bedrooms for their kids. Did you even come up with a plan before agreeing to him moving in and you starting to have his kids in your home.

Oh and OP please never marry this man even if you decide (unwisely) to have a child with him.

Otherwise when you split up you will lose your home to him and his 2 older children.

I think the problem is that once you have kids, a fundamental part of your relationship is based on parenting them in the same way and understanding your relationship together on that context.

Ergo you parent differently your relationship is under strain. You don't agree with how he parents his 12 year old, that should have your questioning your relationship with your partner and his attitude to life and if that's compatible with yours ?

He honestly needs to move back out.

This isn’t fair on you, you’re home is supposed to be your happy place and its being over run and disrespected

He isn’t worth it. He does have poor judgment. No offence but he shouldn’t have moved in with you so fast. You weren’t to know, but he definitely now needs to go.

The issue is that you have a man problem, not a problem of your making or within your power to do anything about.

Just say to him that you’re not ready to have a readymade family and you’re feeling overwhelmed with it all, you’re not their parent and they’re not listening to you, or anyone.

If you love him, tell him so, but also that you need to have a relationship with him away from the relationship he has with his kids, that they’ve had to take on so much change and right now they need stability and YOU need stability

So suggest that living together apart thing or is it living together but apart, you get my drift… :)

KindleBeKind

@Bananarama21 the judgement in your message is astonishing. Would you say the same to a DM with children with different fathers or is your attitude reserved only for fathers and step mums

The same would be said if a woman was having several different relationship with mutiple kids and moving in with them in quick succession, just because ops partner is male doesn't mean that it's any different. It demonstrates they lack any stability for their children and I don't think its fair children are introduced to several partners never mind going to stay at their new house. If ops dp was serious about his relationship he would take his time before moving in and slowly introduce his dc when he knew the relationship is going to be long term.

Dont get involved with men with DC's.

It almost never ends well

Yep, as a step mum myself and a ‘former’ step daughter of the most hideous ditch pig of a woman….I say, step back.

It’s up to your DP to discipline them as he sees fit…so staying up late etc is down to him.

Although, you don’t need to accept rudeness or bad manners and definitely stand your ground there. You won’t be thanked for trying to interfere in how his children are raised though. Pick your battles and try and show a united front in front of your DP children. If there’s something you don’t agree with then speak about it with him away from the DC.

Good luck though…Step mum is a hard role to play!

In the nicest way it's not your business how the parents raise their kids, you can only control what and who is welcome in your home. Set expect now or you will have years of this and it will destroy your relationship. Tell your DP she is respect to you and your property or he has to find somewhere else to have contact, no compromises at all!

Hi,

Just wanted to say please don't take on some of these comments. I have been in my sd's life for nearly 5 years and still feels like a newbie some days.
I have started reading "step monster by Wednesday Martin". It's really validating some feelings & putting them into perspective.

Don't be told that the kids are not your business. If you have come together then bedtimes etc definitely become part of your business.

If he's worth it, stay strong. I feel you x