"Your skin is the colour of poo"

[Defrump]

Hello all, I've been on other boards but first time here with name change. I'm very happy with my partner and he has young children who are mostly lovely. Except the younger one, aged 4, has started commenting on my skin saying he doesn't like me because I'm brown. I'm Asian. I found it shocking and upsetting but ignored as he is young but then he said my skin is the colour of poo and mud.
I would have thought school would be teaching about diversity but my partner says the comments might be coming from his ex. What would you do? It does make me feel quite differently towards the child. I have talked to him about being kind to people of all different colours but he keeps saying he hates brown people!

He's 4, he doesn't really know what he's saying and it sounds very much like he's been influenced by someone.

What about buying him a children's books that explains about people's ethnicity and skin colour.

I think an open chat certainly your OH and child, maybe with you is needed. Children are essentially colour blind in terms of skin colour so it is strange to see such a young child make such a negative link. Try and unpick it and then explain why it can be upsetting to make comments like that. Its a balancing act as if the child feels theyve been bad could make worse but educating him will open his eyes and help open dialogue and perhaps give clear idea where the comment originally came from

Oh that’s horrible. How is your partner responding to his son when this happens?

I personally would be more hurt by ‘we don’t like brown people’ than the poo comments. Children can be obsessed with the word poo at 4 years old. They may also describe chocolate as the colour of poo, especially if a sibling was about to eat it. But the feelings about your skin colour are views that have been influenced by someone.

Worth noting that the child probably doesn’t know what he says is hurtful and possibly likes the attention he gets from saying it.

You need to make sure the child is getting signals from your partner and you that it is not acceptable at all, to counteract wherever else he is hearing it from.

Could you discuss with your partner a plan of action for when his son talks like this, and both stick to it rigidly? For example in my house at that age, it would be 1) ‘we don’t says mean things like that’ and redirect attention to something else. 2) if it carries on - the naughty step. Doesn’t matter the method but it should be something your partner leads on strongly.

You should not have to put up with that. Especially in your own home.

Please don’t think badly of the child; this will not be coming from them.

I would say (in a kind voice), “Or the colour of chocolate…. Yummy!” Then go on to tell the child something complimentary about the way they look.

Distraction is your friend. Once you have established a good relationship, you can then tell the child that the other comments aren’t kind (or allowed!).

Yes it came out of the blue as before that he was really close to me. I was caught off guard so showed him a picture of Miss Universe who is Indian and he said she wasn't brown!
I'm surprised school isn't teaching about different colours and races tho. Will get some books.

My 4 year old says the same, and he’s dual heritage, me being black.

I just calmly explain that we don’t comment on what people look like and I’ve brought even more books where many of the characters are black.

At that age kids comment using things they know, so ds (5) says my coffee looks like poo juice because that’s something he knows of a similar colour.
Could you turn it round when he says it and say something like yes it’s also the same as chocolate and who doesn’t like chocolate? Give him positive connotations, I can imagine it’s horrid to hear but kids that age aren’t purposefully malicious

Is his school fairly ethnically mixed? Where we are it is not so some curiosity is normal but you are right to pick him up on it just as you would if he was making comments about other features. Make sure his dad does lots of positive work with him too in reading the books etc. School might also be able to introduce more ethnically diverse books as well.

but my partner says the comments might be coming from his ex.

What has your partner done about this? If anyone was teaching my small child to be racist I would absolutely hit the roof.

I don't think this is necessarily something to worry about but it is a good opportunity to have an open conversation.

You're a step parent which gives you the responsibility for teaching too. This isn't a school issue.

Maybe this has come from his parent but maybe it's a simple case of being literal in what he sees. Kids are obsessed with poo between 3-6. Poo is brown. Your skin is brown. This is exceptionally simplistic but he is 4. He's not a racist.

Fwiw my kids also say the same about me and my skin and I am not brown, so it might not be that at all. Just one of those things that kids say.

I'd be explaining that we don't say things like that because it can upset people and make them sad as it is unkind. He's old enough to understand that somethings shouldn't be said, even if he can't remember not to say it all the time. I'd also turn it into a positive association about skin being the colour of chocolate instead.

How is your partner responding to his son when this happens?

Yes keen to heat this and what he is doing to address this.

Hear*

Well, so far partner has not addressed this issue. The little boy was first calling daddy "a liar who broke mummy's heart"
This went on for a while with child saying it to husband's parents too. Tried the usual ignore tactics and distraction but it escalated so then there was the "go to your room, we don't call people a liar"
His mum apparently has been saying it over and over. Now the colour thing.
My partner won't confront his ex as he says she will make things worse but its clearly coming from her. I don't want to make a fuss about this but I feel hurt and upset.
The older boy is a sweetheart and understands about other races but the younger one is being influenced by his mum I feel. And nothing I can do about it.

I'm sorry you're having these problems, it sounds very unpleasant.

I'm a bit surprised you mentioned school twice. The boy is 4, he would only have been at school since last September at most, so just a few months.
What makes you think school would have had time to cover things like diversity/racism over such a short time frame? Kids in reception would be barely settled into school routines by January.

This makes me wonder how much experience you have with kids in general, and whether you might need to learn a bit, and recalibrate your expectations.

I'm concerned that you placed a higher responsibility on school to educate your step-kids about social skills, than on your partner/their dad.
His relationship with his ex sounds quite bad. That's concerning too.
I hope your partner steps up, kindly educates his own kids, and actively takes your defense. It's on him.

I’m sorry OP that must be very hurtful.

He is only little, the issue here is how the adults are dealing with it (it’s not the schools responsibility to ‘’correct’ what the child is exposed to at home).

You cannot do anything about mum, she’s out of your control and not your responsibility.

It’s for dad to deal with this and he is failing. He isn’t protecting/teaching the child by correcting him or protecting you from hurtful comments.

What else will he fail to protect you both from in the coming years?

This is a huge red flag and I’d be gone.

Also, I note you say the older boy ‘understands about other races’, IMO that’s not the core issue.

The issue at this age, is not being rude to others.
As a parent I’d be asking why DS is saying this, I would want to know why.

I have my own older child but no, no experience of being a stepmum to children of a different race. I mentioned school because I thought that's where they learn about being kind to different children.
Partner says he will talk to his ex as he won't tolerate racism. So hopefully that will help me feel listened to and we will sit down together with the boys and talk to them too about being kind to people of all different backgrounds.

OP, this sounds awful for you, but my heart aches for this little boy who must find life very difficult.

@Imissmoominmama

Please don’t think badly of the child; this will not be coming from them.

I would say (in a kind voice), “Or the colour of chocolate…. Yummy!” Then go on to tell the child something complimentary about the way they look.

Distraction is your friend. Once you have established a good relationship, you can then tell the child that the other comments aren’t kind (or allowed!).

This. Firm no, positive (fun!) alternative, layer the attention on the alternative and no lengthily discussion of the negative comments (this would stick it in his mind and encourage him to say more often). When impulse control is so low (he is very young) and understanding limited (no racism chat as he may nod along but doesn’t have the processing power to link and apply in real world situations) instead: break the association, encourage positive behaviours and teach positive social stories (about race, colour differences,etc) parallel to his behaviour (so same day, but not immediately after, not mentioning his behaviour, etc)

Your skin colour in this situation is a red herring.
The ex would find something to use against her child’s new partner.
Could be a big nose, funny teeth, fat, thin.
You have a very obvious difference and the ex is a nasty piece of work.

Hopefully the dc will realise you’re a lovely person and having you as a good influence may help him to grow up not to be racist like his mum.

Wait - what exactly did dad say to DS when he made the comments?

Because you say above that he did not address the issue, ergo he has tolerated racism/rudeness.

The child could be saying you are fat, ugly, have a dog face, at this age he should be being taught not to be rude to anyone.

Seems to me you feel differently about the child, that the school are not doing enough and the ex is to blame but you are not facing the one person who has instant power to address it - your DP.

Around this age I started having conversations with my dd about racism, and the history of people being treated horribly due to the colour of their skin. 4 is old enough to have a simple conversation about how we are all the same on the inside, and how it hurts people to have unkind comments made about their skin.

Dd was upset when she heard that people had been made so sad, just because of their skin. She asked a lot of questions and we have kept talking about it since. She is now 8, and we still do.

In your shoes I would chat about it with him in small chunks, because their attention span is limited. I would talk about racism, and about how hurtful comments like that can be because of the way people with dark skin are often treated. He needs to understand that it isn't the same as commenting on the colour of someone's clothes, that skin colour is a subject that he needs to be careful around.

I also told dd that if she were to say the wrong things at school or when she is grown up, she is likely to get in a lot of trouble. So it's important to think through what she is going to say before she does.

It does sound like the mother is struggling to accept another person in her ex-partner and children's lives. Young children are not equipped to deal with negative messages from their most important adults and understand its not theirs to pick up or moderate the transmission/repetition of another persons statements. If this is a long term relationship or you hope it to be, its going to be important that you and partner are supportive of one another in developing a joint strategy of managing this. I would hope the child's mother would also intervene to stop this but if she is too caught up in her own negative feelings she may only be able to see the positives of her child not getting close to you and fail to see the much wider consequences of a child projecting negative hurtful comments to others based on appearance and personal qualities. If he goes to school and uses racism towards other children he most certainly will be picked up on it, he may also find himself quite isolated by his peers. Who ever is teaching him these values really has not considered the implications for their actions.

He is so young and does not understand what he is saying is hurtful.
This is not the first or second time I have heard of a child saying this so it can't be uncommon. It is an uncomfortable observation that hopefully can be used as a conversation starter and an opening to begin educating.

It doesn't mean anyone has put this in his head or that anyone has said this to him. Kids come out with the most bizarre things all by themselves.

The fact that the dp and the IL don’t want to confront this is why I’d say you need to walk.

Why knowingly sign up for this awful existence with an ex who will be involved in your life for the next 15 years?

Give dp and his parents a clear message that they are not dealing with this and if they continue to fail to confront this you will have no other option than to leave them all to it.