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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

"Your skin is the colour of poo"

94 replies

Defrump · 29/01/2022 07:22

Hello all, I've been on other boards but first time here with name change. I'm very happy with my partner and he has young children who are mostly lovely. Except the younger one, aged 4, has started commenting on my skin saying he doesn't like me because I'm brown. I'm Asian. I found it shocking and upsetting but ignored as he is young but then he said my skin is the colour of poo and mud.
I would have thought school would be teaching about diversity but my partner says the comments might be coming from his ex. What would you do? It does make me feel quite differently towards the child. I have talked to him about being kind to people of all different colours but he keeps saying he hates brown people!

OP posts:

maddy68 · 29/01/2022 09:06

He's 4. It's an observation not a criticism. It's your job and his parents job to educate him

lunar1 · 29/01/2022 09:07

I don't think it's a good sign that your partner hasn't addressed this immediately. Not by jumping on his child, but correcting him, educating him and finding out where it may be coming from.

Does he go to school or nursery? A child is never too young to be reminded to speak kindly.

UsernameFail · 29/01/2022 09:11

Hi, sorry to hear what's been said to you by SC.

At 4 he really doesn't know what he's saying and is just repeating what he's hearing.

I wanted to say that my son is in year 2 and is just learning at school about people having different skin colours and racism

MooSakah · 29/01/2022 09:12

Given how much she dislikes you and your partner it might be best for any conversation with her to be approached from a "it's not in DSC's interest to be saying racist stuff" angle.

MooSakah · 29/01/2022 09:13

And your DP needs to be steping in and teaching him not relying on school.

nomorefrogs · 29/01/2022 09:17

This needs to be tackled directly and your dh needs to grow a backbone to do it. He needs to say something along the lines of. I can say that mummy is saying mean things about me and op and that is because she is still upset that we are not together. But it's not okay to do that because then you say those mean things to us. We are kind in this house and so we are careful to be kind about mummy even when she is mean. I'm going to ask mummy to stop doing that as it's not fair on you and it's not fair on op. In fact saying those things is so mean that there are laws to stop it. It's called racism and it's never okay. And keep saying it in a calm way until it sinks in. Tell his mum what you have said and why and tell her you are repeating her to the police unless she stops .

cherrytopcake · 29/01/2022 09:18

Sounds awful op sorry to hear this. As hard as it might be, try not to begrudge the child as he is little and most certainly does not fully realise the weight of his words. I agree with others that this sounds like something someone else has said and he is copying. You/partner need to address/reverse this situation as this could land child is hot water if he says something similar to someone else. Research some ideas on to address this but be careful as some kids' personalities means when 'it matters' they act up more. He may not be like that though.

cherrytopcake · 29/01/2022 09:19

To add, listen to this podcast about a parent who's child said some rather awful things. This lady suggests how to tackle it.

www.janetlansbury.com/2020/09/when-kids-say-shocking-or-rude-things-whats-a-parent-to-do/

cherrytopcake · 29/01/2022 09:21

Janet Lansbury also has a more generic podcast here about raising anti racist children. Might help. X

www.janetlansbury.com/2020/06/raising-anti-racist-children-a-holistic-approach-with-kristen-coggins/

BananaBlue · 29/01/2022 09:25

t. He needs to say something along the lines of. I can say that mummy is saying mean things about me and op and that is because she is still upset that we are not together. But it's not okay to do that because then you say those mean things to us. We are kind in this house and so we are careful to be kind about mummy even when she is mean.

@nomorefrogs you’d say that to a child?

Won’t that make him dislike his mum? The person he spends most time with? Or at least feel conflicted?
That sounds like a horrific position to put a child in.

I think it’s possible to correct the behaviour without commenting on mum, if you get the ‘but mum says’ then surely the response is ‘well not in this house or school’.

nomorefrogs · 29/01/2022 09:31

@BananaBlue yes I would.

QuirkyTurtle · 29/01/2022 09:32

The fact that a FOUR YEAR OLD has said daddy is "a liar who broke mummy's heart" tells me all these negative comments are 100% being fed to him by a nasty ex. Your SO needs to ask himself whether he's comfortable with his son being raised to be a racist. Because I agree, he is four and doesn't understand what he is saying and that he is being hurtful. But one day he will, if he continues to live in that environment. And that's how racists and bigots are born.

The comments on this thread seem way too forgiving to me! Your SO needs to step in immediately for the sake of the child. If finances allow it, consider therapy if the mother continues to be antagonistic.

Redlocks28 · 29/01/2022 09:34

I mentioned school because I thought that's where they learn about being kind to different children

No, that’s called parenting.

katienana · 29/01/2022 09:34

I would flag this up with school in case he repeats it there, perhaps point out to ex that he could get in trouble at school.
Kids this age don't come up with phrases like that on their own.

TopsieGreenwood · 29/01/2022 09:35

Small kids do make personal comments but it's the parents' job to teach them that it's hurtful and unkind. Your partner needs to step up here. You don't just let them carry on because they're small. I remember at 3 dd saying a woman she walked past was old and I explained thevwoman might feel sad if she says that. She never did again. It's how they learn empathy, as well as being treated kindly themselves

QuirkyTurtle · 29/01/2022 09:36

To add, I'm so sorry for you OP. I'm sure you have to put up with that crap enough not to have to hear it in your own damn house.

Persephonegoddess · 29/01/2022 09:37

Your partner hurt his ex wife, she is channelling her feelings about him and you to her 4 yr old. You three or him and her as the adults need to sort it out. He at 4 is not to blame. This is an adult problem. How long ago did they part? Are they even divorced? Are you the ow?

QuirkyTurtle · 29/01/2022 09:40

It doesn't fucking matter whether OP was the other woman or not. You don't teach your kid to be racist just because your husband cheated on you.

I have a lot of patience for the ridiculousness on this forum but draw the line at excusing racism because a grown damn woman's feelings were hurt.

Persephonegoddess · 29/01/2022 09:42

I didn't excuse it, I was referring to to liar element. The ex has no excuse but it may explain the reluctance by the man to deal with it... but that just makes him spineless

BananaBlue · 29/01/2022 09:42

[quote nomorefrogs]@BananaBlue yes I would. [/quote]
That’s really sad.

It’s basically using the child as a weapon against the other parent.

Would you not consider the child’s feelings and mental well being in this?

I’m not saying to ignore behaviours, far from it.

but berating a child’s parent to them in cruel IMO, esp when this small and will cause more problems than it solves.

Seems cruel to me.

Sowhatifiam · 29/01/2022 09:52

why are you looking to the school to sort this out?

I feel quite sure the school is teaching all about diversity, acceptance, being kind etc. It's a parental responsibility to ensure that those lessons transfer into the real world.

Georgeskitchen · 29/01/2022 10:23

@Defrump

Well, so far partner has not addressed this issue. The little boy was first calling daddy "a liar who broke mummy's heart" This went on for a while with child saying it to husband's parents too. Tried the usual ignore tactics and distraction but it escalated so then there was the "go to your room, we don't call people a liar" His mum apparently has been saying it over and over. Now the colour thing. My partner won't confront his ex as he says she will make things worse but its clearly coming from her. I don't want to make a fuss about this but I feel hurt and upset. The older boy is a sweetheart and understands about other races but the younger one is being influenced by his mum I feel. And nothing I can do about it.

This child is definitely being influenced by his mother. Your partner needs to have a frank conversation with her about what she is telling him. Regarding the pooh, I think most of the commenter are correct in saying that small children, and especially boys, tend to have an obsession with poop

Original poster

Defrump · 29/01/2022 10:23

Why didn't partner address it?
Ss didn't say in front of him
Ex moved in with her new man a month after relationship broke down with my partner who was alone for a year before we met. We waited another before meeting the children.
So no, daddy didn't break mummy's heart!
I posted here for ideas and advice as friends have suggested varying things from telling school, to marching up to ex to laughing it off. This seemed like a good place for others' life experiences.
Of course we will address this as parents I just wanted to hear some suggestions of the best way of doing so. Thank you

OP posts:

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 29/01/2022 10:28

This isn't coming from him. He's 4. The poo bit might be as kids that age are obsessed with poo and poo jokes are the funniest thing ever.

This is coming from the ex.

Sowhatifiam · 29/01/2022 10:35

Ex moved in with her new man a month after relationship broke down with my partner who was alone for a year before we met. We waited another before meeting the children

You will find life a million percent easier if you don't waste your time comparing your partner/yourself with his ex. You can't control what she does. You can't control what she thinks for what she might feel or what she might pass on to her child (accidentally or on purpose). It doesn't help to consider yourself superior in anyway to the other parent who's life, up bringing, what she does/doesn't do is so far removed from yours that you can't really know what she is doing/not doing or why. The person who needs to be dealing with this is your partner. You can also be part of the solution but it needs to come from him. If he is unable to address this, you really do need to consider your future with him.

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