"Your skin is the colour of poo"

[Defrump]

Hello all, I've been on other boards but first time here with name change. I'm very happy with my partner and he has young children who are mostly lovely. Except the younger one, aged 4, has started commenting on my skin saying he doesn't like me because I'm brown. I'm Asian. I found it shocking and upsetting but ignored as he is young but then he said my skin is the colour of poo and mud.
I would have thought school would be teaching about diversity but my partner says the comments might be coming from his ex. What would you do? It does make me feel quite differently towards the child. I have talked to him about being kind to people of all different colours but he keeps saying he hates brown people!

Well, so far partner has not addressed this issue

This isn't right at all. I agree with PPs that you can't really expect a 4 year old to have an in depth knowledge of racism etc.. and they will sometimes make comments like this. But it's absolutely our job as parents to correct them and to have these conversations. Your partner cannot just ignore his son saying these things, how is he ever supposed to learn?!

We had similar from my step son once. I won't repeat what he said but he definitely heard it somewhere else because there's no way a child would just say that of their own accord. I was absolutely shocked when he said it but me and DH took it as the opportunity to have a real talk with him about these issues and he understands why it's wrong now and has said nothing like that since.

Your partner needs to tackle this both with his son and his ex if he genuinely believes that is where this is coming from.

What would you do?

I've been in a similar situation but luckily it was very short lived due to who a couple of trusted adults in the child's life have been. The ex then realised that she can't use racist messages to attempt to exert control through her child as the child was not having it.

It requires your DP to sit down and have a proper conversation with the child the first 3-4 times they make the comment. After that the child gets a brief explanation of why what they said is wrong and told off every single time. Children who are noticably not white don't have the luxury of being ignorant of race when they are 4.

It also requires you to make your DP aware of the racism you still experience today.

If your DP refuses to talk to his child stating they are too young and/or brushes off your experiences then this isn't the relationship for you. Then you need to cut your loses as there are enough issues around being a step-parent without having to deal with racism as well.

If your partner refuses to defend you from racism in your own home then I would leave the relationship.

4 is plenty old enough for a child to know that comments like the ones he is making are vile and unacceptable. Presumably he will do this at school and could be suspended if so.

Children almost always learn racism from their parents.

@itsnotover
Not all insults from young children are learned at home nor are all references to color related to racism.

If you have ever spent time in a preschool setting with children between the ages of 3 to 6 one of the frequently used terms of insult is to refer to other students who have angered ,annoyed, or hurt them for any reason as a" poopy head", bathroom/ toilet references are used in insults and sometimes in humor. Kids learn early that they are admonished if they have " poo accidents", they see parents . other kids etc letting them know that for various reasons poo is unpleasant. So there earliest experiences with unpleasantness and disgust are often related to bodily discharges. In children between ages 3 and 6 , these references to excrement are often their most extreme way of saying that you have offended me in someway.

The child may be saying the mist extreme thing that he is capable of saying to a person who he associates with the pain and suffering of someone that he loves. It is inappropriate but should not be so quickly assumed to be racist.

Not knowing the OP's skin color , it is possible that the statement may to the child just be a literal insult.

Children have to be taught what is appropriate and acceptable in polite society. The behavior is inappropriate , but may not be necessarily racist given the child's age and the over confiding by the mother.

It may be a leap to assume that racism is the child's motivation. What is obvious is that neither parent has been successful in teaching the child about acceptable speech and behavior.

Get out. Leave. Please.

Step parenting is tough at the best of times but with an ex like this you will find carving out happiness impossible.

Your DP has already shown how he handles this.

Be kind to yourself. Get out now!

I would take the starting place of good manners and empathy. “Do you think it’s ok to be rude to grown ups? Would you be rude to your teacher? No? Then why do you think it’s ok to be rude to me? That is very bad manners, if you want treats like pudding you’ll need to show me you have good manners.” “How would you feel if someone was rude about your skin? You should be nice to other people just like you want them to be nice to you.” Etc.

Maybe also teach him some history. You could start by reading a book about the migration out of Africa and explain to him that all of his ancestors had black or brown skin thousands of years ago, and when he’s rude about brown skin he’s insulting his own many times great-grandparents who worked very hard to survive the ice age etc etc. I think as recently as 10,000 years ago everyone in England had brown skin according to archaeologists, but it’s a while since I watched that documentary.

Thank you , these are excellent ideas. Partner had a gentle discussion and asked S why he had made those comments and the little boy said "I can only love one lady and that is mummy"
He was told that it is unkind to comment on skin colour especially.
The truth is he loves cuddling up to me, calls for me when he wakes up, is quite sweet a lot of the time but then occasionally gets a little gremlin in his mind and lashes out. Partner says he will continue to reinforce the anti racism message.

I'm sorry he's said this. It must be upsetting to hear.
Just to add that I don't think it necessarily means someone has been saying anything racist to him. One of my children said a terrible thing about a nursery teacher at 3/4. Something like "we don't like miss x because her skin's too brown". I was shocked, as the nursery was a v mixed london nursery, and I knew my child would have never heard anything like this at home.
I spoke to nursery and they said it's developmentally normal that children at this age are noticing these types of differences(this teacher had v dark pigmentation) and it was an opportunity to educate and talk about it. I would honestly see it as this. He will be totally unaware of the implications of what he is saying.

He may be unaware of the implications of what he says but it's still racism whether he realises it or not.

Whoever it was talking about 'polite society' - what a tasteless thing to say. It's not hard not to treat other people badly. None of my children ever brought up anyones skin colour and compared it with 'poo' so just stop making excuses and minimising.

@Itsnotover and OP lots of posters on MN minimise racism particularly if it is from young children.

They also seem unaware that small children overhear conversations walking down the street, on the bus, in shops, etc.

When my DD was 2 she was coming out with comments that to most white people would seem fine and harmless on people's appearance, but due to how she and another girl slightly younger were confused as being related I clamped down on them.

I agree with PPs that you can't really expect a 4 year old to have an in depth knowledge of racism etc..

Just to reiterate that children who are 4 and the victims of racism have an in-depth knowledge. I was able to grasp it very easily so I am not sure why a white child would be unable to grasp it with the proper guidance.

Tbh, there is probably very little about which a 4 year old has any in-depth knowledge. At age 4 , a child may have experienced racism, but that does not give them any in-depth knowledge on the subject. A 4 year old can have traumatic or unpleasant experiences in many arenas, racism among them, but that does not give him or her any in-depth knowledge on any of those subjects.

Racist comments can easily be clamped down on at a very young age as a previous poster said. People ignoring it are a part of the problem. There is no excuse for minimising it.

@Itsnotover
You are correct in that racism should never be overlooked or marginalized. It is equally important to know the actual motivations behind any words are actions when attempting to categorize them. The easiest and most facile explanation is not always or even most often the necessary explanation or motivation for actions and behavior.

@Tattler2 I guess you have experienced lots of racism through out your life?

I hope your DP does continue to talk to his son. What he is saying is unacceptable and should be challenged every single time. Racist views should not be tolerated and your SS needs to know this.

Trust me @Tattler2 you learn about it very early on if you have to.

It is equally important to know the actual motivations behind any words are actions when attempting to categorize them

Only if you look at racism as if it is something white people do rather than as some people of colour experience. The motivation or intention isn't the important thing here - it is the impact.

If this isn't nipped in the bud this child could get into very serious trouble at school. This is one of the reasons his parents need to teach him if he doesn't understand.

You have a DP problem, he needs to educate his DS that that's not a kind thing to say, and nip it in the bud. My 5 year old would have understood that it was not Ok at 4, even though he is still in the stage of loving everything poo related!