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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How did you tell your SCs you were pregnant?

51 replies

Glitterygreen · 27/01/2022 20:39

Off the back of another thread I've just read, I am posting this one I've been meaning to do for a while.

I am wondering how those with children here told their SCs they were pregnant? And how it went? I am looking for any tips you can give.

I have 2 SCs - 12 and 8 - and we have a really good relationship. I've been in their lives for 5.5 years so quite a while now, but I'm worried it might go badly as I think it might be quite a surprise for them and they likely haven't considered this might happen. Should he start planting the seed now in the run-up to telling them or might that make it worse?

Did you talk them together or did their parent do it alone? I am tempted to ask DP to do it alone so SCs feel more free to react honestly, but don't know if it's better to do it together?

Personally I'd like to leave it as long as possible to tell them to save them stressing for months before the baby arrives, but we have a holiday with DP's family in April and I don't think we'd be able to get through that without MIL, SIL etc noticing. There will also be a few things I won't be able to join in with.

DP will tell his ex before SCs go back to her, and luckily she will likely be supportive and happy to help the kids adjust, so no issues anticipated there (unless she unexpectedly freaks out, but think this is unlikely).

Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me!

OP posts:

Original poster

Glitterygreen · 27/01/2022 20:39

Ps. I am only 7 weeks so have a while to think about this yet.

OP posts:

PeeAche · 27/01/2022 20:41

I sat quietly in the corner whilst my DH put his arms around them and explained that they're going to have a new baby brother or sister. I nodded along and answered a few questions and then made myself scarce whilst my DH talked it through with them and let them say whatever was on their little minds (7 and 10).

No big show stopping announcement.

We told them first before anyone else - even our parents. Then we had the family over for a big announcement and the kids were so excited they made the announcement for us!

Original poster

Glitterygreen · 27/01/2022 20:46

Thanks @PeeAche.

Tbh the absolute ideal scenario I could think of would be telling SCs first and then them telling their grandparents with us over the next couple of days, but I think that might be unrealistic in case of negative reactions. If they are upset then I wouldn't want to make the whole weekend about the news by telling PIL with SCs there.

But equally we'd need to tell PIL pretty fast afterwards otherwise SC's mum (or even SCs themselves) would be highly likely to mention it to MIL before the next time we had them.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2022 20:59

We told them at the start of a week away with them. Sat down in a non dramatic way, DH said we had something to tell them, I was pregnant and paused… They were both thrilled to bits thankfully, jumped up and down and hugged us and each other. Then DSS, then 9, asked if that meant we’d had sex, but not with words, with a hand gesture while laughing his head off. They’d been doing sex ed at school. DH went bright red and nodded and I escaped in hysterics for a wee. They asked a lot of questions during the week that followed (not about the conception thankfully, more like would it be a bit it s girl, did we have any names, when would it arrive etc) and wanted to buy the baby a gift which I made DH hide away as it made me nervous.

It was really special, we were very lucky.

It was something DH and I had talked about and imagined a lot because we had a tricky road to get there.

Congrats on your pregnancy and best of luck

Original poster

Glitterygreen · 27/01/2022 21:04

Oh AnneLovesGilbert I'd love it if it could be like that for us.

Doing it at the start of a week away could be a good shout actually....we will have them for the couple of days before we go away with PIL etc so maybe it would be a good idea to tell them then and then tell everyone else while we're away? Then SCs would have a good few days with us after being told to ask questions or express worries. Also they'd have the holiday to look forward to after being told.

Such dramas isn't it. If they were my own children I wouldn't feel half as scared 🙈 Tbh they are both pretty easy-going kids so I may be overthinking, but I know I would have just hated it if it were me and probably tried to get out of seeing my dad so I didn't have to think about it.

I know they will be fine when the baby is here, it's just the initial reaction I'm worried about.

OP posts:

PeeAche · 27/01/2022 21:22

You're overthinking. My SC were concerned with whether they would have to move to another bedroom (no) and whether it was definitely just one baby (yes).

Then they asked if they could go on their iPads. Because they sensed weakness. (Yes)

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2022 21:31

The only bone of contention we had was baby names. I said a hard no to Voldemort, which DSS thought would work for a boy or a girl.

Your plan sounds good OP. Of course you’re nervous, completely normal and the older the DC and the bigger the gap the harder it is.

Hope for the best, don’t worry too much about potential worsts.

MooSakah · 27/01/2022 21:41

Told them together. I told them it was ok if they weren't sure how they felt about it. Then I went to the shops so they could have time with dad. They weren't too happy with the sex but it's all fine now DC is here.

PeeAche · 27/01/2022 21:43

@AnneLovesGilbert that is very offensive to me.

Voldemort is my first choice for boy or girl. I already have 3 cats, each named Voldemort, and so I know it is a solid name.

I am very upset.

MooSakah · 27/01/2022 21:43

Oh and dad said he'd tell their mum so they didn't have to think about that either.

OnceUponAThread · 27/01/2022 21:44

Watching with interest as I'm grappling with the same problem. DDs are teenagers and I'm worried they're going to be cross / upset / angry.

On balance I think I'm going to have DH tell them when I'm not there so they have space to react honestly etc.

MooSakah · 27/01/2022 21:47

I really think the best thing we did was tell them together and I acknowledged they might feel odd about it and that's ok. Don't do a massive WE HAVE EXCITING NEWS but also it is a happy time so don't feel you have to be like oh this is bad news you'll hate it.

thelastgreatdynasty · 27/01/2022 21:48

I think you're handling it much more sensitively than my ex did with my dc and it's
Lovely you are considering their feelings. My ex got drunk and told my dc. Then let my dd 15 stay at my house alone whilst I was out of the country on business. They have both been very upset - I'm sure they'll adjust in time, I just wish they had been told in a nicer way. When my dd asked why they were having a baby my ex's response was 'it had to be done' :-/

sofakingcool · 27/01/2022 21:52

I can't talk as a step mum, but as the mum of a child who has a sibling from his Dad/step mum

Personally, depending on how friendly you/your DH are with SC I would tell their Mum too. My DS gained a sibling aged 8, he didn't take the news brilliantly (very confused as to what it meant for him), his Dad wasn't particularly reassuring to him etc. Unfortunately I didn't know and it had a bit of an effect on DS (who didn't open up - natural bottle upperer) and I could have helped him work it out. Instead he saw his Dad once a fortnight and kept everything to himself until it finally came out. That's DS though, I'm not saying all will bottle it up or worry about it like he did

I appreciate it's not the business of the step child's Mum, but it could have an impact on their behaviour at her house, so worth her knowing (unless she would be hugely detrimental )

OnceUponAThread · 27/01/2022 21:52

@MooSakah - that's interesting. Why do you think you being there helped? I'm worried it will make them feel awkward / feel like they can't be cross (if they are cross). Maybe I'm overthinking or coming at it all wrong though?

candlelightsatdawn · 27/01/2022 21:58

@AnneLovesGilbert

The only bone of contention we had was baby names. I said a hard no to Voldemort, which DSS thought would work for a boy or a girl.

Your plan sounds good OP. Of course you’re nervous, completely normal and the older the DC and the bigger the gap the harder it is.

Hope for the best, don’t worry too much about potential worsts.

Absolutely cracking up and that name suggestion 😂😂😂😂😂😂

MooSakah · 27/01/2022 22:04

[quote OnceUponAThread]@MooSakah - that's interesting. Why do you think you being there helped? I'm worried it will make them feel awkward / feel like they can't be cross (if they are cross). Maybe I'm overthinking or coming at it all wrong though?[/quote]
Because it was a family moment and I think it cemented the idea in their heads, it's hard to explain. I think if DH had told them by themselves it wouldn't have felt quite so real. And when I said it was ok for them not to know how to feel I could see the youngest breathe with relief that I'd acknowledged they might not be 100% happy.

Everyone's DSC may vary though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2022 22:05

[quote PeeAche]@AnneLovesGilbert that is very offensive to me.

Voldemort is my first choice for boy or girl. I already have 3 cats, each named Voldemort, and so I know it is a solid name.

I am very upset. [/quote]
I tell you what I told him, that it’s a good strong name and you and he can use it for your own babies with my blessing, but my baby was going to be called Hagrid. It was a deal breaker. We all have them…

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2022 22:06

If we were having another, and we’re not, he’d insist it was called Boba Fett. Fickle are kids.

sofakingcool · 27/01/2022 22:06

Baby Hagrid

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2022 22:09

[quote OnceUponAThread]@MooSakah - that's interesting. Why do you think you being there helped? I'm worried it will make them feel awkward / feel like they can't be cross (if they are cross). Maybe I'm overthinking or coming at it all wrong though?[/quote]
Not who you asked but we didn’t consider DH telling them without me. It was me they asked lots of questions, though thankfully not the sex/hand gesture one. They understood we were having the baby but that I was the one who was pregnant so it would have felt really odd not to be there.

It’s our family and she’s collectively our baby/their sibling but she’s also my baby, I’m her mother, and their step mother and that means something. To them as much as DH and me.

candlelightsatdawn · 27/01/2022 22:10

I mean my DSD isn't neotypical but she was fine with it (excited even as she's been bugging DH for a sibling for a while) - we did expect some negative reaction but didn't get one - her mum who we expected to fine with it was fine with it was until it became a real prospect. So basically we weren't sure if baby was going to be viable until later on (once we were told baby would hopefully make it with help of modern medicine) DM kicked off royally.
Contact was threatened, maintainable was brought up to include my wage as it was only fair 😵‍💫 all sorts from DM but she's settled again .. for the moment.

DSD has remained excited about it throughout but does keep asking why everyone keeps asking if she feels pushed out esp her mum in a very nonplused way ( DSd words "er no why would I ?Duh") much to the chargin of her mother and others who seemed to have bigger feelings on it than her it would appear

I think she was a bit grossed out that obviously me and her dad have had sex at some point, gives us side eye if he kisses me and says that I better be careful or I will end up with two babies (I don't think she's grasped you can't get pregnant again while pregnant). I haven't robbed her of this illusion as frankly that will open up a can of worms that's just for DP and his ex to cover.

She's also said pregnancy doesn't seem like fun and she's planning to adopt lol 😂 but I think she's looking forward to her new role tbh, she said she's been lonely 😩 she's 13 of it helps !

Don't fret to much but I would say for us we told them as late as possible just because I lost a baby and DSD last time took it very hard. I wanted to shelter her from that for a while. But there's no right or wrong way.

Winniemarysarah · 27/01/2022 22:10

I wouldn’t leave it too long op. There’s a chance that if they’re not 💯 onboard then they may feel a sense of betrayal, like you’ve been keeping a massive secret from them. They’re not going to ‘stress’ having extra time to get used to the idea. And actually at those ages they may be really excited at the thought of a new baby

aSofaNearYou · 27/01/2022 22:28

We just told him and he was pleased. I don't think the kind of drama you hear about on here is a given, tbh, I'm sure many children aren't devastated.

OnceUponAThread · 27/01/2022 22:47

@MooSakah @AnneLovesGilbert - thanks both. Definitely something to consider.

DH thought it would be better telling them alone too but I will re-raise this with him and see what he thinks.

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