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Original poster

How did you tell your SCs you were pregnant?

51 replies

Glitterygreen · 27/01/2022 20:39

Off the back of another thread I've just read, I am posting this one I've been meaning to do for a while.

I am wondering how those with children here told their SCs they were pregnant? And how it went? I am looking for any tips you can give.

I have 2 SCs - 12 and 8 - and we have a really good relationship. I've been in their lives for 5.5 years so quite a while now, but I'm worried it might go badly as I think it might be quite a surprise for them and they likely haven't considered this might happen. Should he start planting the seed now in the run-up to telling them or might that make it worse?

Did you talk them together or did their parent do it alone? I am tempted to ask DP to do it alone so SCs feel more free to react honestly, but don't know if it's better to do it together?

Personally I'd like to leave it as long as possible to tell them to save them stressing for months before the baby arrives, but we have a holiday with DP's family in April and I don't think we'd be able to get through that without MIL, SIL etc noticing. There will also be a few things I won't be able to join in with.

DP will tell his ex before SCs go back to her, and luckily she will likely be supportive and happy to help the kids adjust, so no issues anticipated there (unless she unexpectedly freaks out, but think this is unlikely).

Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2022 23:15

Start as you mean to go on OP. My DSC weren’t asking their dad if they could feel the baby kicking. It was me who was pregnant, they weren’t getting their sibling without me.

Finallylostit · 27/01/2022 23:23

I had to spend a lot of time reassuring my 2 that DF and SM did still love them. They did nothing over the pregnancy to prepare them especially youngest.

I was positive and brought the baby p in conversation, looked at toys etc etc.

If Mum is sane then tell her to - if they spend most time with her it will impact on their behaviour and questions will be asked. I dealt with tears+++ but then dropping by sitting them in the car and driving to mcds and then dropping them home 20 mins later and telling them was probably not the best way!

MooSakah · 28/01/2022 06:00

@AnneLovesGilbert

Start as you mean to go on OP. My DSC weren’t asking their dad if they could feel the baby kicking. It was me who was pregnant, they weren’t getting their sibling without me.
Exactly I think its important you're there too. Even if you then leave the room after.
NoCauseRebel · 28/01/2022 06:27

My ex and his DP told their children separately because they weren’t living together and had barely been together any time.

It didn’t go well, then ex texted me to tell me he’d just told dc so to be prepared for the fallout.

He then went on to tell DC that had it not been for the fact we’d had secondary infertility that I would have had another baby when they were younger so this was just how it was now.

I am certain he didn’t text me for my support but to gloat.

After that all they talked about was the baby, to the extent that when the baby was born DC felt guilty that SM was going away for Christmas and were it not for them spending Christmas with their dad he would have gone too but would now miss baby’s first Christmas, so they chose to stay with me and haven’t been there for Christmas since, and a year later stopped staying there altogether.

DC has barely any relationship with their half sibling, and even eXH admitted to me some years later that having a baby in the first place was a bad idea.

RedWingBoots · 28/01/2022 08:03

We waited until after 20 weeks and told DP's eldest together. Afterwards DP then sent a message to his ex.

The situation was then similar to candlelightsatdawn with the child asking why would they be pushed out as they were excited to have a sibling. There was a bit of racism thrown in for good measure by the ex.

The two children are now extremely close and ask for each other if the other is not around.

One of my friends' who was a SM at the time to 3 teens found she had to fight with the teens to get her babies off them. They were so enthralled to have younger siblings.

MooSakah · 28/01/2022 08:09

I did get a bit annoyed with the first question a lot of people asked after being told I was pregnant was "how are the DSC taking it?" It felt like people were digging for drama and I don't think they would have asked so quickly if DSC were my own children.

RedWingBoots · 28/01/2022 08:14

@NoCauseRebel the issue isn't the baby the issue is that your XH is an ass with warped sense of boundaries.

Why would you tell your own children that their mother couldn't have more children?

Why would you blame your children for not spending Christmas with their baby half-sibling?

NoCauseRebel · 28/01/2022 09:00

@ RedWingBoots the fact though is that my ex’s issues transferred into his then providing dc with a sibling iyswim.

As soon as there was a baby on the horizon DC were pushed out, even though the new partn’er’s DC were not.

The baby inherited a genetic condition from their father which has just led to resentment on the part of ex’s DP which has absolutely been directed at my DC because they don’t have the condition whereas their child does.

And the question was “how did you tell your DSC about the baby,” so eXH’s issues absolutely do have some bearing on how the DC responded.

And no-one blamed DC for not spending Christmas with their sibling, it was just accepted as the norm which in itself is sad because very clearly eXH prioritised his relationship with his baby over DC and always has.

candlelightsatdawn · 28/01/2022 09:16

@MooSakah

I did get a bit annoyed with the first question a lot of people asked after being told I was pregnant was "how are the DSC taking it?" It felt like people were digging for drama and I don't think they would have asked so quickly if DSC were my own children.
This does my literal head in. Every single time. Esp when they do it directly to my DSD she looks absolutely baffled and is starting to get a bit cross and short with people.

Which obviously makes people prob more until she loses her shit and then she gets told off (which I think is unfair)

candlelightsatdawn · 28/01/2022 09:18

@NoCauseRebel your ex sounds like a 🛎 end.

At the root of all that pain, is him at the centre. Nice that latterly down the road he was a gent enough to say .. maybe having a baby wasn't a good plan. Like he only just considered it after he experienced the backlash of the shitstorm he created.

aSofaNearYou · 28/01/2022 09:34

@MooSakah

I did get a bit annoyed with the first question a lot of people asked after being told I was pregnant was "how are the DSC taking it?" It felt like people were digging for drama and I don't think they would have asked so quickly if DSC were my own children.
Yep this genuinely had a really negative affect on me. I'd expect it from DPs family but it really wound me up that even people on my side were doing it. The first person we told asked us straight away if we'd told DPs ex. I've never forgotten the feeling.
HerbErtlinger · 28/01/2022 09:41

We both had one DC each before getting pregnant with DS. We told them at the same time but separately, I told my DD and he told his DS so they could have their own reactions but they were both really happy.
We told our exes before we told the kids. Didn't make a big deal, just told them we were expecting and would be letting the kids know that weekend so that they were prepared. DP's ex had a big reaction, mine just completely ignored my message but we felt it was fair to let them know so they heard it from us and weren't blindsided by the kids telling them

Original poster
Glitterygreen · 28/01/2022 09:56

Thanks everyone.

Laughing at 3 cats named Voldemort!

@Winniemarysarah I think they will be told ahead of the rest of DP's family regardless of when we actually tell them so there shouldn't be any feeling a secret has been kept from them. They need to know first as MIL is likely to let slip otherwise.

@MooSakah Yes sadly I do anticipate this being one of the first things MIL says....I could literally see us telling her and her response being "Does ex know?" But I really hope she doesn't because DP will be livid, he already has some issues with how she conducts herself with regards to his ex.

As I said, hopefully I am overthinking because I know that I would have absolutely hated it myself. But these kids are a lot more chilled than I ever was and are very secure in their relationships with both parents, can talk to them both about worries etc. So hopefully they will be fine with it. I'm not even looking for excitement...just not upset and disruption.

OP posts:
candlelightsatdawn · 28/01/2022 09:57

@aSofaNearYou did you ever find a way to articulate how this felt from your perspective to others ?

It's driving me crackers and makes me feel really low but I can't actually figure out why.

Original poster
Glitterygreen · 28/01/2022 10:04

@candlelightsatdawn Tbh I think the only thing you can do is be quite blunt about it. I will accept it from DP's family as it's expected but not from anyone on my own side. If they ask I'll just say "fine" and that will be the end of it.

OP posts:
candlelightsatdawn · 28/01/2022 10:14

@glitterygreen I think your probably right It's the same message when I say baby might not make it or be very poorly on birth. First question ohhh how's DSD coping with that ?

I lost it a tad and said that baring top level details, I wouldn't put adult worries on a child until we know for certain.

Aghhh probably just my hormones but it's generally been going on for months and it's doing my head in. Legitimately!

aSofaNearYou · 28/01/2022 10:16

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@aSofaNearYou did you ever find a way to articulate how this felt from your perspective to others ?

It's driving me crackers and makes me feel really low but I can't actually figure out why. [/quote]
Tbh no, I've never really been able to talk to anyone about how much years of stuff like that affected me, and I do think it would be enormously cathartic for me if I could. Hence why I use this forum so much!

I do find it happens less now though, perhaps people eventually took the hint from my short answers and the look on my face.

candlelightsatdawn · 28/01/2022 10:25

@aSofaNearYou well I'm glad you shared that because I thought I was going mad and felt bit alone thinking I was going mad for feeling that way.

Glad it does patter out eventually!

aSofaNearYou · 28/01/2022 10:39

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@aSofaNearYou well I'm glad you shared that because I thought I was going mad and felt bit alone thinking I was going mad for feeling that way.

Glad it does patter out eventually! [/quote]
I'm so glad to have helped in even a small way! This is exactly why I always say that being a step parent is one of the most isolating experiences I've had. Dealing with all these very real, difficult things and being unsure if it's even a normal thing to feel, but feeling like there's absolutely nobody you could talk to about it,

I do think it's incredibly callous that people are even doing it to you in your circumstances, it just goes to show how little people understand what it's like at the receiving end and what they're doing to people!

CornishGem1975 · 28/01/2022 11:09

I told my DC, my DH told his - we decided to do it separately so they could react in whatever way they wanted to. They were all fine with it (but oddly when we got engaged a year or two later one of his DC was devastated - that had more of an effect than the baby)

MooSakah · 28/01/2022 12:45

The first person we told asked us straight away if we'd told DPs ex. I've never forgotten the feeling. same here.. that question. Way to drag someone down.

MooSakah · 28/01/2022 12:57

I think for me asking about them DSC so quickly was as if they were expecting it to have not gone down well. And asking about mum wound me up no end because my baby was absolutely nothing to do with her. DC's life is already going to be somewhat shaped by this random woman who isn't connected to them so it annoyed me that we were even supposed to care about telling mum or how she took it. We only told her so that the kids didn't have to worry about if they should or not.

Original poster
Glitterygreen · 28/01/2022 15:47

I agree @MooSakah. Tbh I think it's just because people love drama and want to hear that it's kicked off!

OP posts:
COS2102 · 28/01/2022 19:59

We just did things how we would have done them for any DC. So fir the first we bought a big brother t-shirt and gave him the scan photos. For the second we got him a card and a new big brother t-shirt.
We knew he was going to be happy though because he had been asking on repeat for years for us to give him a sibling 🤦‍♀️

RedWingBoots · 28/01/2022 21:50

@candlelightsatdawn nothing wrong with your "hormones" in regards to this.

In fact if you want to lose your shit at people use your hormones as an excuse to stop them being so fucking rude and inconsiderate.

And if you need to apologise - well we have all learnt how to apologise but not apologise in the last few weeks.