Covid..

[Hannabanana2021]

Hi everyone. Need some opinions/advice.
My husband is having trouble with his sons mother. She's blocked him on everything she can and will avoid him at all costs. He has his son every weekend and MIL picks him up Friday from school and at drop off Sunday the ex will send her dad to avoid DH. He wants to make changes to the routine and she knows this. So she'll hide. Only 2 of my kids have tested positive for covid! And I've told DH it's probably best if we didn't have his son this weekend. Only now he can't contact his ex down to tell her. And even if he did she would ignore him because she knows he will be picked up my MIL regardless. She would leave her own son uncollected from nursery if she had too knowing full well our side would step in. We don't know what to do at the moment 😵‍💫 we can't have someone else contact her because she'll ignore them as well. He really needs to talk to her himself in person to get an answer from her. Am I right to be saying he should avoid the house?

[quote MooSakah]@Hannabanana2021 I really feel for you. And it's only because you care that you feel guilty.[/quote]
She has admitted in the past she can't cope. And sometimes I think it would be better if we had a full time residency order. At least then we can decide what the plans are (not cutting her off) just making things more stable. And I can arrange for moving his nursery close to me and arranging his times around my childrens. She's had social care involved with her on and off with reports being made from nursery against her. But they always leave in the end and close.

@SomewhereOnlyIKnow

I believe he is allowed to swap between houses, and his mum might have made plans for the weekend. If she’s NC there’s nothing you can do. He’s as likely to catch it at school as at your house.

Being allowed doesn't mean it's sensible. I can understand you're as likely to get it in lots of other places, but it's still pretty stupid to knowingly go and stay somewhere where it's in the house.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here given the circumstances. You have no idea if the mum works and she may be unable to take time off. She’s admitted she’s unable to cope and has had social services involved on multiple occasions. I definitely think that the better thing to do would be to have the child as usual. I don’t think anyones escaping this virus, I’d be surprised if he hasn’t already had it regardless of whether he’s had symptoms or not

@Hannabanana2021 ohh firstly I'm so sorry about the loss of your babies 💐 I know those surgeries of old and if it's what I had to go through, it's total hell on earth.

As PP notify the nursery and ensure the message is passed back to mum in a formal way. If she kicks of you can say we did xyz.

Covid is such a hot topic because everyone has their own risk assessment on it and I feel for you because in part your hands are tied so you have to say "well we don't agree with this but it's our only option" and you may have to bring him back and risk him getting covid (btw I'm very risk averse re covid re having it myself so you have my total sympathies that this isn't what you would want to do) there's a different risk level to going to tescos for weekly shop to knowingly entering in a house with positive covid people in it.

Your DSS no wonder he's nervous with the antics of mum and SS being involved. SS don't just arrive for no reason and nursery's don't log issues for no reason either.

I know you said you could contact her but I think for your MH I wouldn't. I get the pull 100% but I wouldn't.

Do you have any external help you trust that could help get you some rest ? That DSS would feel comfortable with or you could get DSS comfortable with. Would he feel more comfortable as a group with all the kids going somewhere (keep them in a little tribe unit ? When granny/whoever looks after them all)

Courts I think courts is only way forward I'm sure that a judge wouldn't look well on this behaviour... get everything outlined out how to handle holidays, festive seasons, normal contact and illness.

I'm not saying this because I'm an interfering SP with a grudge but she will palm her son off anyway she can claiming she never gets a break and will go into hiding if DH wants to ask for a weekend off or make changes

You blew it with that line OP. He absolutely should be having his son 50/50. Sorry if that gets in the way of your weekends away.

@candlelightsatdawn I believe you're correct with the surgery. Our little babe was in the wrong place causing a rupture. Normally I would have some help with my children on my side but with covid now in the house everyone's stuck in one place. It's really difficult. I know this little boy has been emotionally abused but without evidence and SS keeping closing the cases there's not much we can do. It's one of those she would rather have time away from her son but on her terms. If we were to refuse to send him home then that will cause a war. She doesn't want him but won't be denied him if that makes sense?
I have a lot of negative feelings toward her and wish she would just step up. It's hard to see. Emotional abuse is so easy to hide but with her sons behaviour and how absent she is it's obvious. He's even kicked and screamed when being dropped off that he doesn't want too.
We need to go to court but even then if she's managed to hide this from SS and there's no sign of physical abuse I don't think they'll do a lot. But at least they'll be set routine,. There has been evidence of some neglect (no baths, no clean clothes, presenting as dirty on arrival to nursery causing them to contact SS) but if these issues were nipped in the bud during social visits again it just gets closed and that's that until another report is made it's like going in circles.

@Lockedoorsopen if you aren't going to read the whole story step back 🤚 this goes a lot deeper than that.

@Lockedoorsopen and I'm sorry but without everything else that's going on. We and his family take up most of the childcare. She gets a whole weekend to do as she please for years? But as soon as we ask for something back after a rough couple of months it's let's block everyone and maybe they can't ask? No that's not 50/50... she doesn't have work commitments at the weekend as her car is often seen parked at the pub and her dads let slip she's been going away.
I would rather take her son on full time than him go through her emotional neglecting shit. But she wouldn't allow that...
we are supposedly "helping" her work on weekdays but now doesn't have the job and has vanished off the face of the earth and no one knows what he hell is going on...
I'm well within my right to be mad.

@Lockedoorsopen I believe yes through the week absolutely we will do as much as we can. But weekends should be split evenly. Everyone works. Everyone needs a break. But that "break" is only one sided...
and if she allows her son here this weekend knowingly sticking him in a house with Covid then thats deadbeat...
by all means he's welcome here.
But I know for a fact my mental health will not be able to cope with anymore than guilt if he gets seriously poorly.

@Hannabanana2021 ahh yes I know that surgery painful, long recovery and heavy on the heart.

I think people need to remember every Friday to Sunday and also days throughout the week actually means that OP household is doing at least 50/50 if not actually more of the heavy if DSS is in nursery during the week days.

If this was a DM people would be outraged and saying she's entitled to a weekend off once and while. Imagine if dad was acting like mum, he would be slaughtered on here.

OP has just been through 2 bloody losses, her MH will have been effected, and she clearly cares about her DSS and backed into a corner of course she's allowed to vent, of course she's angry. I would be angry too if my DSC was being treated like this. Let alone the whole not being allowed any flexibility to recover from a major operation two in fact !

I wish I had better solutions for you lovely I really do !

And if anyone waddles over and says well you knew what you signed up for when you married DH.

I'm willing to bet she didn't sign up to have a front row seat to watch her DSS being neglected or to be controlled so completely by a ex in this manner.

@candlelightsatdawn thank you so much. Your post made me well up a bit. I just don't like being attacked by people thinking "poor me I can't go on holiday" I don't want a holiday I just want one to one time with DH to grieve which we can't do because of everything else. I can't even remember the last time we done anything alone together. I'm not even sure we ever have. We've been doing everything she's asked from us for a very very long time and now we've asked for something back all communication has been cut, and I think this Covid situation has just pushed us over the edge and tensions are high.

He very probably won't get seriously ill, but even if he does you'll have done everything in your power to stop it so really shouldn't feel guilty. If she knows about the Covid, she's making an active choice to expose him to it at this point.

The word break has been taken in the very literal sense but after my own miserable time after my op, I got what you meant.

A break from just life to step away and process, even if that's mentally.

I would advise you to have look on the Tommys baby loss charity website (there's a helpline), they also a private fb group you can join if you ever need a actual space space to talk to others in the same boat.

Sometimes you just need to let it out in private I get that.

@candlelightsatdawn the EPAU gave me a leaflet for Tommys after consecutive losses, I'm going to have a look. Thank you

@candlelightsatdawn and I'm sorry if you've been through this traumatic experience yourself

Their clinics re recurrent MC are amazing, I know because I was under their care. Really get it, I think there was only two clinics when I went so people usually have to travel but I really can't recommend them highly enough, GP can refer you, you don't have to go to local hospital if you don't want to !

@Lockedoorsopen

I'm not saying this because I'm an interfering SP with a grudge but she will palm her son off anyway she can claiming she never gets a break and will go into hiding if DH wants to ask for a weekend off or make changes

You blew it with that line OP. He absolutely should be having his son 50/50. Sorry if that gets in the way of your weekends away.

Jesus, OP has been through recent pregnancy losses and lifesaving surgery and is now trying to avoid her SS catching COVID from her household and this is your response :-/

OP definitely did not 'blow it' with that line, most people would appreciate that in their shoes OP and her DP might need some time to gather themselves.

Also tbh why doesn't mum want any weekends with her son?

Agree with Sofa’s suggestion, OP. You try to get a message over and then you take him if that fails.

If the ex is refusing to communicate (and risking abandonment of a pre-schooler because of it), plus has multiple reports from nursery to SS, then DH should definitely go for residency. No wonder the poor little boy is nervous.

Wishing you a speedy recovery. 💐 Ignore the idiots.