Covid..

[Hannabanana2021]

Hi everyone. Need some opinions/advice.
My husband is having trouble with his sons mother. She's blocked him on everything she can and will avoid him at all costs. He has his son every weekend and MIL picks him up Friday from school and at drop off Sunday the ex will send her dad to avoid DH. He wants to make changes to the routine and she knows this. So she'll hide. Only 2 of my kids have tested positive for covid! And I've told DH it's probably best if we didn't have his son this weekend. Only now he can't contact his ex down to tell her. And even if he did she would ignore him because she knows he will be picked up my MIL regardless. She would leave her own son uncollected from nursery if she had too knowing full well our side would step in. We don't know what to do at the moment 😵‍💫 we can't have someone else contact her because she'll ignore them as well. He really needs to talk to her himself in person to get an answer from her. Am I right to be saying he should avoid the house?

Oh god this is a nightmare isn't it. How stressful for you both.

Does dad have his ex's dad's phone number? Not ideal but this is her sons welfare.

Or the only other thing I can think of, and they aren't going to like it and might not want to get involved, but could you explain it to the school and see if they can contact her?

I believe he is allowed to swap between houses, and his mum might have made plans for the weekend.
If she’s NC there’s nothing you can do. He’s as likely to catch it at school as at your house.

And yes he should ideally not come to yours, don't want him catching covid and then going back to mum and giving her covid.

She'll probably get in touch to kick off when he catches it from your house mind.

Given that I am sure nursery are party to all these antics...

I'd get DH to get in touch with the nursery lead, explain that your household has covid. (I wouldn't actually reveal its your kids). I would ask them to put a note in the child's book so that effect. But saying MIL will collect anyway if that is what mum would like but that he will then be brought to the covid household. If she would like to make alternative arrangements this weekend to let dh/MIL know. Perhaps offer to have him the following weekend extra if this works.

In terms of going forward - is there a court order in place? If she is refusing to communicate on any changes perhaps it is time to go/return to court - at least to the mediation stage?

Could MIL have him for the weekend?

@RogerDodger

Could MIL have him for the weekend?

Good shout. That sounds like a good back up plan to keep him safe if MIL agrees

Honestly it's all a nightmare. She's a nightmare. He has him every weekend Fri to Sunday And multiple times through the week. He's contacted nursery and the manager is yet to get back to him since Monday! He also has him 2 days through the week as well but takes him home at night only to be greeted by his sons Grandad. He works full time and a lot of the pressure is on MIL to do school runs until he finishes work. He's mentally exhausted and I had surgery 2 weeks ago. I'm not saying this because I'm an interfering SP with a grudge but she will palm her son off anyway she can claiming she never gets a break and will go into hiding if DH wants to ask for a weekend off or make changes. MIL can't do it anymore and she knows this so she's vanished. Her dad knows and has "told" her to contact us but nothing. She knows if no one can contact her everyone will stick to routine. He's told her once their would be no one to collect him from nursery and she didn't even turn up herself! So he had to leave work. There's no court order in place at the moment.
Me and DH want to plan a weekend away but that'll never happen because she won't allow it. When they were together she was very abusive and controlling toward him and years down the line in continues. Sorry for rant I just need to get it out 🥴 I'm absolutely exhausted from it all 😮‍💨

I'm not sure on MIL. She's never had him overnight alone. I try not to make too many suggestions as I don't want to come across as interfering. I do no SS has emotional needs and he's a very very nervous boy. He might panic staying there alone

Why is your DH mentally exhausted? He has his son 2 nights a week and his MIL does the picking up for him during the week too.

If you want a weekend away- arrange childcare.

@RogerDodger

Why is your DH mentally exhausted? He has his son 2 nights a week and his MIL does the picking up for him during the week too.

If you want a weekend away- arrange childcare.

He's mentally exhausted because we lost a pregnancy 2 weeks ago and I nearly lost my life because of surgery and internal bleeding. While I was recovering in hospital he was running around taking care of my 3 children from a previous relationship. Sorting his son and managing work at the same time as well. He's mentally exhausted because he has no control of the situation just like he didn't in the past with her behaviour and it's like reliving the past. We are both exhausted and since he has his son five days a week (3 of those day his son goes home at 7pm) 2 nights are overnight. With 2 of my children having covid and off school. All we ask for is some damn communication and her to be civil like I don't think we are asking for too much?

How old is the kid? Sounds as though he's preschool age so 3/4 given you switch between nursery and school?

How old are your kids?

Sounds to me like your dh actually needs to flip this and go to court for residency and absorb him into your household. If he is running around to her tune all the time I can see why that gets exhausting. But he is responsible for the kid too.

EVERY weekend Fri-Sun is a significant contact. Does his mum work during the week and he's in nursery full time or does she have him on weekdays? Will this change once the kid is at school?

How far from nursery are you? I'm wondering why the kid goes back at night in the week is it to make school run possible? (Or is it about overnights for maintenance purposes?) What's going to happen when the kid goes to school?

I had alot of sympathy for your dh from your first post. However you are starting to sound like the step mum who doesn't want the old family interfering (for holidays etc) in your second post. But I can see how a completely unresponsive Co-parent can cause but problems.

Court sadly is I think your or rather your DHs answer.

Thanks for clarifying OP. You had made it sounds like he was exhausted with his son, when it’s really a lot more than that. Sorry for your loss.

Can your DCs dad have them while you are unable to?

OK, it seems I'm cross posting with you.

Stop fighting with her. The mental load is not worth it.

Figure out how you are going to deal with this weekend - as you know she is not going to take the kid. Are your kids actually ill or just isolating? If they are not ill then let them get on with it. If they don't manage school work and spend the day infront of the TV so be it.

On the Weekend plan movie days, get in some popcorn/ sweets etc. Get the boardgames out. Whatever you need to just calm the situation and survive. If all the kids get screens for the weekend it won't hurt for 1 weekend.

Take some time to grieve and recover. As your kids are in school try and sleep during the day to build your strength. I assume you are not at work having just had surgery? If you are perhaps you need to take a few days off?

Once you've got through this period look seriously at what you want to do as a couple /family with regard the ss. And then go to court. You are not going to get anywhere with his mother otherwise.

@LittleOwl153

How old is the kid? Sounds as though he's preschool age so 3/4 given you switch between nursery and school?

How old are your kids?

Sounds to me like your dh actually needs to flip this and go to court for residency and absorb him into your household. If he is running around to her tune all the time I can see why that gets exhausting. But he is responsible for the kid too.

EVERY weekend Fri-Sun is a significant contact. Does his mum work during the week and he's in nursery full time or does she have him on weekdays? Will this change once the kid is at school?

How far from nursery are you? I'm wondering why the kid goes back at night in the week is it to make school run possible? (Or is it about overnights for maintenance purposes?) What's going to happen when the kid goes to school?

I had alot of sympathy for your dh from your first post. However you are starting to sound like the step mum who doesn't want the old family interfering (for holidays etc) in your second post. But I can see how a completely unresponsive Co-parent can cause but problems.

Court sadly is I think your or rather your DHs answer.

I didn't mean to make it sound like we wanted a holiday. We've been through as awful lot in the last few months with 2 pregnancy losses, surgery and me nearly losing life due to internal bleeding. It was a thing in the future we wanted to arrange just getting away for a couple of days to be able to grieve with no one else around but without the ex's help it isn't possible. We honestly don't know if she works or when she works. She had a job but we was told she's no longer there anymore. It's just the routine through the week MIL picks him up from nursery (he's 4) and DH will take him home at 7pm (which we think is a bit late) sorry I used the term "school" I mix them up as my children from previous are in primary school, years 2 and 6.

@LittleOwl153

OK, it seems I'm cross posting with you.

Stop fighting with her. The mental load is not worth it.

Figure out how you are going to deal with this weekend - as you know she is not going to take the kid. Are your kids actually ill or just isolating? If they are not ill then let them get on with it. If they don't manage school work and spend the day infront of the TV so be it.

On the Weekend plan movie days, get in some popcorn/ sweets etc. Get the boardgames out. Whatever you need to just calm the situation and survive. If all the kids get screens for the weekend it won't hurt for 1 weekend.

Take some time to grieve and recover. As your kids are in school try and sleep during the day to build your strength. I assume you are not at work having just had surgery? If you are perhaps you need to take a few days off?

Once you've got through this period look seriously at what you want to do as a couple /family with regard the ss. And then go to court. You are not going to get anywhere with his mother otherwise.

My children aren't at school. They're both very poorly with positive confirmed cases of covid

Sometimes I really am tempted to get in contact with her myself. But I don't feel it's my place. I'm not blocked on anything. I just stay out of it and I think that's why I've offloaded on this forum because it's all built up. I can't get it out anywhere else. I offload to family I'm I just told to "deal with it" and "it's nothing to do with me"
I don't want an argument, I just want healthy communication.
Maybe everyone's right with court.

@LittleOwl153 sorry I'm missing questions off.
Him not staying the night through the week isn't anything to do with maintenance. DH leaves for work at half 7am and I'm unable to get everyone to school/nursery at the same time at 3 different locations. And it's just always been the routine. If we didn't take him back she would soon kick off over it. It's her rules and if they aren't followed she'll cause problems.

@LittleOwl153
And yes I do work which I'm not allowed to return too for another couple of weeks for it being a highly physical job. That's in itself doesn't help because that was my "escape" if you like. Burn off some energy and frustration. Instead I've been isolated after surgery and now isolated because of covid it's been 3 weeks stuck inside and everything just got too much. I'm sure things will start to settle soon and we can start to think clearer.

@Hannabanana2021

Sometimes I really am tempted to get in contact with her myself. But I don't feel it's my place. I'm not blocked on anything. I just stay out of it and I think that's why I've offloaded on this forum because it's all built up. I can't get it out anywhere else. I offload to family I'm I just told to "deal with it" and "it's nothing to do with me" I don't want an argument, I just want healthy communication. Maybe everyone's right with court.

Well your family aren't very supportive, are they?

I would just ask MIL to have him, and if she won't, well the ex has been made aware so if she isn't bothered I'd say just stop worrying about it, have the little boy and he may or may not get Covid. It'll be on her head.

Playing devils advocate I don’t think she’s in the wrong really. It’s not unreasonable for her to not want any contact with your oh. There can be all sorts of reasons why she feels unable to be in contact with her ex. It’s not uncommon to have family as mediators so that they don’t have to deal with each other. If she’s as abusive as you say she is then I’d be grateful that you don’t have to talk to her. While it’s not ideal that his son has to come into a course with Covid, in most families it’s unavoidable. Since October before last I’ve tested positive 3 times, my oh once, my 2 youngest dc twice, and my eldest has tested positive 4 times. We still have to live with each other and no longer even have to isolate under the new rules. My eldest last tested positive last week and me and my oh were still authorised to work and the other children still went to school. Also if your oh wants a break or a holiday during his contact time then it’s on him to arrange childcare. I know it’s been said on mn often enough that you are responsible for childcare on the days that you normally have the children. If the contact days are an issue and he feels he has him too much then he needs to take her to court and have set days ordered. Otherwise any change of plans on contact days or pick up times that he’s responsible for, need to be sorted out by him.

I guess we will just have to carry on this weekend as normal. I just feel so guilty knowingly bringing a child into a house with Covid. Okay so most the time it's just cold symptoms but what if he's one of the many that gets seriously sick. What if he's not seriously sick but passes it onto his grandad who would end up seriously sick. I know it's down to his parents at the end of the day but that wouldn't stop me feeling guilty. I just wish everyone could just get on and communicate and help each other out but unfortunately that's not the world we live in.

Given all you have been through then I agree with @aSofaNearYou as long as he's tried to contact her so be it. You have enough on your plate without this stress.

@Hannabanana2021 I really feel for you. And it's only because you care that you feel guilty.