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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Maintenance after 18

54 replies

mommabear2386 · 19/01/2022 16:18

So my partners daughter 16 loves with us and son 15 lives with mum. Not a good relationship with DH and BM especially when it comes to money.

We have been together 8 years her and her new husband have been together 9.

Maintenance is set as we pay £238 for his son and mum pays £39 for daughter as she only works 8-12 hours per week.
Now because his daughter will hit 18 first I said it will be interesting to see what she does is terms of will it stop? Go directly to SD? Increase or decrease etc etc

We always said before she moved in ( 6 months ago) we would probably just transfer them a sum each month to help alongside part time job around £100-130 possibly.

Daughter heard that and must of mentioned it to BM. She has messaged to say she will continue to pay maintenance and she expects the same from us ( I bet you do love at £200 more) so DH said no you work out what you can give SD directly and we will match it for son the following year but it will be equal so there is no unfairness like we are having now having to pay everything for SD as she pays nothing above the £39 whereas we so give SS pocket money outside CSA and money for trips / spending and just leisure in general when he goes out with friends.

She says well she has had 3 other children (with new husband) so cannot afford what we can afford?? Now I'm sorry but household incomes are roughly the same in total

Am I right to say not our problem? You need to step up and support SD also or we will remove financially support for SS when the next year rolls round I know it's not fair but it's unfair for her to completely withdraw and we are left with everything so should it be we support one and you do?

Although I know it won't work because SS will just ask us for stuff and money because mum says no 🤬 stop having bloody kids! We had one together because guess what that's what we could comfortable afford plus I luckily only wanted one

OP posts:

HappyStep1 · 19/01/2022 17:25

You're going to get slaughtered with the it's not fair attitude.
You should stay out of it. CMS for his son is his concern, he should be paying until at least 18.
If you're unable to understand that having a partner with kids, means you will have costs then this is not the relationship for you.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 19/01/2022 17:28

I would just stop paying at 18 and give both kids what you can afford regardless of the ex. If she can't be arsed thats on her. Her kids will see that.

I know it's unfair, we were in a similar position where maintenance was never enough for the ex but when the tables were turned she was soooooo poor and couldn't afford it and we had two wages so she shouldn't pay etc etc. You can't win with people like that so just don't play the game.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 19/01/2022 17:29

@HappyStep1

You're going to get slaughtered with the it's not fair attitude. You should stay out of it. CMS for his son is his concern, he should be paying until at least 18. If you're unable to understand that having a partner with kids, means you will have costs then this is not the relationship for you.

Have you spectacularly misunderstood?

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 19/01/2022 17:30

I’m so confused? Isn’t child maintenance compulsory until 19/the end of education?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 19/01/2022 17:32

@Duxiejhrhrvjz

I’m so confused? Isn’t child maintenance compulsory until 19/the end of education?

It is via CMS, yes.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 19/01/2022 17:33

So if you both disagree you can’t just do it your way, however fair that is, as she can just demand it? I just googled and it actually says 20 (!) if they are in full time education.

musicalfrog · 19/01/2022 17:34

It is however you pay it @Getyourarseofffthequattro !!

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 19/01/2022 17:34

Personally I think since you have one child each no money should change hands but I understand it doesn’t work like that.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 19/01/2022 17:35

@musicalfrog

It is however you pay it *@Getyourarseofffthequattro* !!

Well not really, if you just have a private agreement, if you both agree you can start/stop whenever you like.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 19/01/2022 17:36

@Duxiejhrhrvjz

Personally I think since you have one child each no money should change hands but I understand it doesn’t work like that.

If they have similar incomes and one child each, I would agree. It's pointless.

musicalfrog · 19/01/2022 17:36

OK but show me a resident parent who wants to stop receiving payments early! 😂

Flocon · 19/01/2022 17:41

Now I'm sorry but household incomes are roughly the same in total

Household incomes have shit all to do with maintenance. It's just the parents'.

Flocon · 19/01/2022 17:42

It's up to her what she wants to pay each of her kids and its up to DP what he wants to pay his kids. It would be good if it was fair but once they've left the maintenance age (whatever it is these days) its between the parent and the child.

Ylvamoon · 19/01/2022 17:46

Child maintenance is compulsory until they leave education as calculated by CMS.
The only option theoretically is, to pay it directly to the child once they are 18.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 19/01/2022 18:01

@Flocon

Now I'm sorry but household incomes are roughly the same in total

Household incomes have shit all to do with maintenance. It's just the parents'.

This is true, but one child doesn't cost less than the other?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 19/01/2022 18:02

@musicalfrog

OK but show me a resident parent who wants to stop receiving payments early! 😂

Well clearly there won't be many, but in this situation i think most reasonable people wouldn't pay eachother anyway, because it's pointless.

Flocon · 19/01/2022 18:04

This is true, but one child doesn't cost less than the other? I know sorry. It just winds me up when people start talking about household income in relation to maintenance (probably because I'm a high earning stepmother).

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 19/01/2022 18:13

@Flocon

No, I do agree with you, youre right. The step parents shouldn't really come into it. I just somehow don't think it's fair that mum essentially profits here because she chooses to work less. I personally think one kid each, manage your own finances ia probably best here.

Flocon · 19/01/2022 18:19

I personally think one kid each, manage your own finances ia probably best here. yeah that seems fair but then I guess the kid with the less well off parent could be bought stuff by the richer one? I dunno. It's tricky.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 19/01/2022 18:26

The thing is the mum is less well off because she barely works and she has several other children. I don't think it's on an ex to subsidize that. If the richer parent can and wants to give the non resident child money or whatever then fine, but I don't think it should be forced personally!

Flocon · 19/01/2022 18:29

I agree. She chose to have more kids. Best to just arrange it each parent with each kid.

HappyStep1 · 19/01/2022 19:01

Possibly but it is not her concern. Plenty of step-parents get attacked on here for complaining about maintenance

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 19/01/2022 19:04

@HappyStep1

Possibly but it is not her concern. Plenty of step-parents get attacked on here for complaining about maintenance

What's not who's concern? It kind of is ops concern because when a step child lives with you, you often do end up contributing either directly or subsidising the other parent. I would say it's also her concern if mum is essentially profiting from that.

over2021 · 19/01/2022 19:26

Once they are older why don't you just transfer £x to SS and £x to SD as 'pocket money. If their mum does the same they will get equal amounts of pocket money. Anything above and beyond is for resident parent and/or they get a part time job.

Flocon · 19/01/2022 19:27

Is the son happy living with mum? He might want to come live with you too?

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