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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Having a step son aswell as becoming FTM.

74 replies

NJT1993 · 17/01/2022 11:11

Hello!
Just wondering what others would do in my situation.
Myself and my partner are expecting our first baby in March. My partner also has a 10 y/o son who we have every weekend.
My step son is very demanding, has terrible tantrums and unless what we do means his time here can revolve around playing on the PC he will ruin the weekend.
He is homeschooled by his mum, but from what we can gather he rarely does any work and just seems to spend his week doing anything he fancies or being dragged around places with his mum.
He has mentioned quite a lot recently that when I finish work to have the baby, his mum can just drop him off at ours in the week and he will be at ours whenever he likes.
I’m not sure if this is his mum planting this in his head or he’s decided it for himself. My partner doesn’t seem to think this is an issue and hasn’t once corrected him and said that that won’t be happening -
My partner just says it’ll be nice to have him here more but in reality it will be me that’s doing the babysitting whilst trying to navigate being a first time mum.
I’ve tried to bring it up that, especially at the beginning when I’ve just had my baby, I’m not sure I feel comfortable having my SS aswell by myself due to his behaviour.
I feel as though it’s my time with my baby and deep down my SS will ruin it if he’s here all the time.
I would like to be able to spend more time with my mum and sisters during maternity as they are so excited, but I just know if my SS is around it will be hard to do that as after about 30 minutes he will make it impossible to stay out.
How would other people with step children approach this with their partner without causing ww3?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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superram · 17/01/2022 11:21

I’d be busy, very busy, everyday. You can’t take a 10 year old to baby groups. I’d just say you can’t possibly home educate him properly with a new baby and you wouldn’t want to damage his education. If he was your son he’d be at school so you would have time alone with your new baby.

tiredofthisshit21 · 17/01/2022 11:23

Ask your husband if he's taking time off work to babysit/homeschool his son if he's going to be at your house in the week. It shouldn't default to you.

forrestgreen · 17/01/2022 11:29

Just say no, ss comes over to spend time with his dad. You're more than happy to have him round any time dad is here. But as you'll be making the list of your maternity leave you'll be out and about as much as possible, and as ss hates going out, dh can stay in with him.

I think you need to make it clear that dh is going to miss out on a lot, you've plans to do a lot with the baby and won't have that time spoilt by ss. So dh either chooses to stay in with him or addresses his behaviour.

Sadly I can't see this going well. Way too much resentment on all sides.

aSofaNearYou · 17/01/2022 11:30

I would tell your DH in no uncertain terms that you will not be providing any childcare when you are on maternity, so he needs to deal with the situation accordingly. You can cite the fact that you will be tired with baby, have things you want to do during that time, and DSSs challenging behaviour as the reasons. There is no justification for your DH expecting this childcare from you.

candlelightsatdawn · 17/01/2022 11:31

Absolutely bleeding not.

This isn't a matter of helping out when parents are in a pickle.

Your a SM not a baby sitter (this is a trap) , I would say to DH that this is your time with DC and contact time is for him to spend with his son and you wouldn't feel it's appropriate as DSC has two parents which need to spend time with, which means you are effectively potato.

I would strongly shut this down and say I'm sorry that's not something that's going to happen nicely to DSC

. Of course he's welcome to come to baby classes every now and then but he might be bored and also will need to do his school work with his mum which is his priority.

For the love of god and all that's holy shut this down and I say this as a mum !!

BitcherOfBlakiven · 17/01/2022 11:32

Absolutely not.

Home education does not involve being dropped with SM whenever the child feels like it.

Berrybear · 17/01/2022 11:34

You need to be frank with your partner about it and tell him, "as much as I love DSS I'm not going to be able to look after him during my maternity leave as I need time with DC to bond and to get to grips with motherhood. It will be lovely to have DSC when you are there so we can do things as a family but I won't be able to take him on my own with DC."

lunar1 · 17/01/2022 11:42

Your husband can stay home with him then can't he.

Or he can address the schooling situation, is he really ok with the fact that his child doesn't seem to be getting any kind of education if the mum is so lax with home education?

Either way, this isn't your headache, don't let him make him it your problem.

Enough4me · 17/01/2022 11:48

Explain that you know babies often sleep best with fresh air on walks so you'll be out regularly, plus trips to friends, and as the baby requires. If you're asked if you're in the next day, say no off out most of day. Don't answer your phone and when he texts say you're planning on a walk soon.

Say no and then do not enable this to happen.

aSofaNearYou · 17/01/2022 11:59

As much as I understand the advice to make yourself appear busy, you should not have to run around like a headless chicken in order to get out of doing this. It should be enough to simply say it's not something you're willing to do.

Original poster

NJT1993 · 17/01/2022 12:04

Thanks for all your messages!
My partner is a really good dad so I think he just wants to please SS and keep him happy, but yes my plan is to book in baby classes through the week - especially on Mondays and Fridays so the weekends don’t stretch out to those days! His mum should be teaching him which is what I’ve said and if he was at school mid week wouldn’t this even be an issue! I want him to bond with his little baby brother but they are going to be chalk and cheese as their upbringings and things like school and making friends etc will be a big part of my child’s life, whereas SS doesn’t have any structure or social life. I Feel really sorry for him and I do worry that the way he is being brought up will have a negative affect on his life when he’s older.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2022 12:07

Absolutely not. No way. And be clear, very clear, right now. Having a baby with your partner doesn’t in any way make you a parent to your partner’s son. Your baby will have two parents. His son has two parents.

No free childcare. No “homeschooling”. No ad hoc contact unless his dad is there the entire time.

Maternity leave is for you to bond with your own baby and to reviver from pregnancy and birth.

Enough4me · 17/01/2022 12:07

@aSofaNearYou, I was more suggesting the OP said no and reinforces unavailability by saying she is not staying in. Babysitting relies on her being present in the house for access and then supervision.

In reality she is likely to be in lots, but needs to be free to leave whenever she likes.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2022 12:09

My partner is a really good dad so I think he just wants to please SS and keep him happy

Well for a start, just wanting to please your child doesn’t make you a good parent. That’s how you end up with a 10 year old still has tantrums and expects the world to revolve around them…

pinkyredrose · 17/01/2022 12:11

Fuck that shit, I'd move out.

My partner is a really good dad so I think he just wants to please SS and keep him happy

That isn't being a good father.

Motnight · 17/01/2022 12:13

Bloody hell Op if you genuinely think that your dh is a good das.

BurntToastAgain · 17/01/2022 12:19

This isn’t even asking for babysitting. It’s asking you to homeschool him.

If his parents have agreed that he should be homeschooled then it’s up to them to make that happen. They don’t get to delegate that to you because you’re conveniently around. If his dad wants him around more often, then he needs to reorganise his work to be available to homeschool him. Or accept that he can’t have him there more often.

If they didn’t agree it, then the mother needs to accept she’s made her bed and has to lie in it. You are not there to give her time off when she fancies it.

lunar1 · 17/01/2022 12:20

What is your husband doing regarding education and socialising for his son?

BurntToastAgain · 17/01/2022 12:22

I think you are going to need to think carefully about how your husband’s approach to parenting his older child will affect how you can parent your baby.

You clearly are not on board with how your stepson is parented (understandably - I wouldn’t be either). And it is both parents. Not just his mother. So how are you going to reconcile this with the expectations and values you want your baby to grow up with.

TrufflesAndToast · 17/01/2022 12:22

Your DP is absolutely not a good dad.

If that child had even one good parent he would be getting a proper education and not dossing around all day and having tantrums at the age of 10. So open your eyes right away to that one - you have chosen to have a baby with someone who fails to adequately parent his existing child and it won’t take long for the implications of that to become clear.

Tell your DP in no uncertain terms that his son isn’t to be dropped off with you while he’s not there and if this is attempted you will not be allowing the boy in. You are on mat leave to care for your baby not to give your step son’s unemployed mother a break from parenting her own child. And he wouldn’t want his son to be upset by not being allowed in would he, being such a good dad? So he will ensure the mother gets the message.

So many ‘good dads’ are falling over themselves to ensure their girlfriends take on an active role parenting their existing children ‘to be nice’ or ‘because we’re a family now’ whatever other shit is rammed down these brainwashed women’s’ throats. Would they do the same in reverse? Would they fuck.

Open your eyes OP.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/01/2022 12:22

You need to say now to your dp "I will not be having ss during the week for either you or his mum"

You don't need to book in stuff so you can say you are busy, you just say no now and mean it.

kmbegs · 17/01/2022 12:23

Totally agree with what everyone else is said, I would have the conversation now and set the ground rules. You're more than happy to help if they are in a pickle for childcare as a one off but you aren't default childcare and he isn't your responsibility.

RoyKentsChestHair · 17/01/2022 12:25

@pinkyredrose

Fuck that shit, I'd move out.

My partner is a really good dad so I think he just wants to please SS and keep him happy

That isn't being a good father.

Was about to pick up on this too.

A really good dad doesn’t let his child miss out on an education to play computer games all day or palm off his older child onto their SM without any discussion during her mat leave.

Theforest · 17/01/2022 12:26

I think he needs to go to school

candlelightsatdawn · 17/01/2022 12:30

My god I think I'm on a thread where the collective voice is one in total dammed agreement ! 🚩

OP we never all collectively agree on anything on here so please please take this as a massive jolt because my god hell has frozen over for this to happen !!

I get you feel for DSC but part of SP is respecting DP choices and leaving them to deal with those choices and how they raise there child while being kindly and firm with your own boundaries.

Shut this down please for the love of god !!

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