Having a step son aswell as becoming FTM.

[NJT1993]

Hello!
Just wondering what others would do in my situation.
Myself and my partner are expecting our first baby in March. My partner also has a 10 y/o son who we have every weekend.
My step son is very demanding, has terrible tantrums and unless what we do means his time here can revolve around playing on the PC he will ruin the weekend.
He is homeschooled by his mum, but from what we can gather he rarely does any work and just seems to spend his week doing anything he fancies or being dragged around places with his mum.
He has mentioned quite a lot recently that when I finish work to have the baby, his mum can just drop him off at ours in the week and he will be at ours whenever he likes.
I’m not sure if this is his mum planting this in his head or he’s decided it for himself. My partner doesn’t seem to think this is an issue and hasn’t once corrected him and said that that won’t be happening -
My partner just says it’ll be nice to have him here more but in reality it will be me that’s doing the babysitting whilst trying to navigate being a first time mum.
I’ve tried to bring it up that, especially at the beginning when I’ve just had my baby, I’m not sure I feel comfortable having my SS aswell by myself due to his behaviour.
I feel as though it’s my time with my baby and deep down my SS will ruin it if he’s here all the time.
I would like to be able to spend more time with my mum and sisters during maternity as they are so excited, but I just know if my SS is around it will be hard to do that as after about 30 minutes he will make it impossible to stay out.
How would other people with step children approach this with their partner without causing ww3?

@Josette77

If the child has autism and adhd is his mum getting support? That's a lot to deal with and would explain the tatrums.

It sounds like, rather than getting support, she’s withdrawn him from school and taken the path of least resistance. In fact the ‘she claims’ but if it strongly suggests she hasn’t sought a diagnosis but is using it as an excuse.

Given all that, the boy’s father hasn’t pursued a diagnosis (if he also suspects SN) and used the avenues available to him to insist that he attends school and receives adequate support. No. He’s taking the path of least resistance too.

He doesn't sound like a great father. So he's content for his child to not be receiving a proper education as not to 'rock the boat', and he appears to be willing for you to look after his child with no regard for you- sounds fantastic.

I’d have a bloody fit. Absolutely not.
However, you do have to be prepared that contact arrangements can change as they get older and start voting with their feet. There’s nothing to stop him coming around more or even wanting to live exclusively with you.
Also agree with other posters about there being other problems here with him being homeschooled. You partner doesn’t sound brilliant tbh

Your child may also be autistic and have adhd so your ‘chalk and cheese’ siblings may be more similar than you’d like.

Your partner needs to be a better dad to his son.

• Josette77

If the child has autism and adhd is his mum getting support? That's a lot to deal with and would explain the tatrums. *

Absolutely

Poor boy should be in school if his Mum cant be bothered to homeschool him properly. No way should you be expected to babysit a school age child during school hours.

It's a shame that your DP is putting what's best for your son (school, behaviour support, etc) second to the wants and likes of his ex wife.

@Greenmarmalade

Your child may also be autistic and have adhd so your ‘chalk and cheese’ siblings may be more similar than you’d like.

Your partner needs to be a better dad to his son.

The SS may not be neurodiverse either. The OP didn’t say he had a diagnosis, only that his mother claims he has ASD and ADHD. That’s not the same thing. Nor does it suggest she’s pursuing a diagnosis, just claiming her son has these conditions as a justification for her choice to ‘homeschool’.

If it were my child, I’d be absolutely insisting that he were properly assessed and the proper support put in place. Wouldn’t you?

OP, unless you're adopting DSS, you don't have full parental rights. So ignore any posters telling you that he's your responsibility too. He's only your responsibility when and if you agree with one of his parents to supervise him.

@Enough4me

OP, unless you're adopting DSS, you don't have full parental rights. So ignore any posters telling you that he's your responsibility too. He's only your responsibility when and if you agree with one of his parents to supervise him.

She doesn’t have any parental responsibility. Legally, there is no such thing as parental rights. Children have rights; parents have responsibilities.

But yes, she only has the responsibilities of any other babysitter if she’s agreed to look after her stepson for his father.

No, just no. Maternity leave does not equal free childcare for your husband and his ex-wife. Plus your stepson sounds vile. It’s not your job to look after him. If he’s coming to visit it’s to see his Dad, not you, so there’s absolutely no reason for him to be visiting if your husband isn’t home. Shut this shit down immediately every time it’s mentioned and keep repeating it.

I’m currently pregnant with my first too and if it was even remotely suggested to me that my stepsons come round and expect to be babysat while their Dad wasn’t here, I’d laugh my eye out.

I agree she has no responsibility to homeschool him absolutely but she is married to his father , her home is his home as much as his mums house is his home and yes that means taking on some parenting if you marry his Dad. He doesn't only have two parents, he has a step mother who has a responsibility to him. If you don't want to help parent someone else's child don't marry someone with one.

@flippertyop

I agree she has no responsibility to homeschool him absolutely but she is married to his father , her home is his home as much as his mums house is his home and yes that means taking on some parenting if you marry his Dad. He doesn't only have two parents, he has a step mother who has a responsibility to him. If you don't want to help parent someone else's child don't marry someone with one.

Yes it's his home, but that's where the truth here stop. Marrying someone doesn't mean taking on some parenting in the same way it doesn't mean taking on that person's job. The kids still have two parents and, their partners are just another person in the parents life they can ask for childcare from, but cannot expect it.

Marrying someone has nothing inherently to do with helping them with any parenting, that's just a convenient made up rule.

She either needs to get him assessed for those conditions properly, which frankly can take years even with school support (which he doesn’t have) or stop claiming he has them. It’s fucking ridiculous.

She also needs to send him to school, get off her arse and get a job.

But there’s nowt you can do about that. Plenty his Dad can do, but obviously he won’t.

@flippertyop

I agree she has no responsibility to homeschool him absolutely but she is married to his father , her home is his home as much as his mums house is his home and yes that means taking on some parenting if you marry his Dad. He doesn't only have two parents, he has a step mother who has a responsibility to him. If you don't want to help parent someone else's child don't marry someone with one.

This is not true. You take on no responsibility for parenting children if you marry one of their parents. As you may often be reminded if you try to exercise any authority within your own home.

The child has two parents who are responsible for him. If a stepparent helps they are doing just that: helping.

If you don't want to help parent someone else's child don't marry someone with one.

I think the op is happy to help parent her step child but this does not mean looking after him when an actual parent is available. No reason why it would.

@Beowulfthethird

If you don't want to help parent someone else's child don't marry someone with one.

I think the op is happy to help parent her step child but this does not mean looking after him when an actual parent is available. No reason why it would.

It’s often not help in parenting though. That would involve having more control over the situation. Having some authority to make decisions or whatever.

Without any of that it is helping the parent out with their child. Not helping with the parenting.

I don't expect my partner to take responsibility for my DC, despite being together over 3 years, but he takes my DS to an activity they like and does a school run 2-3 times a month as wants to help and I have work events (otherwise my DM would help). He also backs up my rules in a clear and friendly way. My DC respect he's my partner and a male role model, but their dad is their other parent. Likewise my exH has a partner who is not an equal to me.

My partner and I do much more with my DCs than ex, but I wouldn't say he's their dad or place expectations onto him. It wouldn't be fair!

Yes burnt it's more babysitting than parenting as it's done under the authority of the parents. I would not feel obliged to do that.

@NJT1993

Hello! Just wondering what others would do in my situation. Myself and my partner are expecting our first baby in March. My partner also has a 10 y/o son who we have every weekend. My step son is very demanding, has terrible tantrums and unless what we do means his time here can revolve around playing on the PC he will ruin the weekend. He is homeschooled by his mum, but from what we can gather he rarely does any work and just seems to spend his week doing anything he fancies or being dragged around places with his mum. He has mentioned quite a lot recently that when I finish work to have the baby, his mum can just drop him off at ours in the week and he will be at ours whenever he likes. I’m not sure if this is his mum planting this in his head or he’s decided it for himself. My partner doesn’t seem to think this is an issue and hasn’t once corrected him and said that that won’t be happening - My partner just says it’ll be nice to have him here more but in reality it will be me that’s doing the babysitting whilst trying to navigate being a first time mum. I’ve tried to bring it up that, especially at the beginning when I’ve just had my baby, I’m not sure I feel comfortable having my SS aswell by myself due to his behaviour. I feel as though it’s my time with my baby and deep down my SS will ruin it if he’s here all the time. I would like to be able to spend more time with my mum and sisters during maternity as they are so excited, but I just know if my SS is around it will be hard to do that as after about 30 minutes he will make it impossible to stay out. How would other people with step children approach this with their partner without causing ww3?

Before anyone jumps on me I agree that op shouldn’t be looking after dss it should be her dp unless she’s willing and able too sometimes but….. from your post op with regards to homeschooling you said “from what you can gather he rarely does any work” that doesn’t mean she’s not homeschooling him properly mabye she is mabye she’s not but everyone’s bashing the mother for homeschooling him lots of parents do it nowadays if your dp has an issue with that he needs to discuss it with dm obviously. Next everyone’s bashing dm again on this thread that’s she’s dumping dss on op for free childcare but op u said it was dss that mentioned he can come to your house when he likes not his dm. Don’t just assume it’s his dm that has planned this it sounds like he has wether she knows about it or not who knows mabye he’s thinking he can spend the time at yours when your off work to get out of homeschooling and play the P.C. that you say he demands and his dm doesn’t know anything about this who knows? I think your dp needs to speak to his ex and see what she says either way your well with reason to say hell no! But don’t just assume its Dms plans like most of the pp have jumped on! Your Dp needs to deal with this regardless not you!

Thanks everyone for your advice, it’s such a tricky situation as I never want my SS to feel unwelcome but equally I’m not just here at his beckon call all week.
I’ve spoken to my partner and he agrees that mid week it’s not my job to look after SS and his BM is going to have to understand this.
In regards to his schooling that’s between them, his whole family have always been homeschooled (mum, grandma etc) so if I’m honest I can’t see it changing and unfortunately if his BM can’t see she is creating a rod for her own back then that’s her problem really.
I really appreciate everyone’s advice and fingers crossed it all works out!
When you do meet someone who has a child I understand that you also take on that responsibility, but I equally have my own life and baby to focus on aswell which my SS is just going to have to deal with. I’m not just a babysitter for when it’s convenient.

if his BM can’t see she is creating a rod for her own back then that’s her problem really.

Not really, if there's reason to think his education is sub par (not because he's homeschooled because that can be great), but because he isn't getting the teaching etc he needs then surely his dad should be bothered about that? Or does he not care and wants an easy life?

Is your husband going to insist them at you homeschool your baby?

Absolutely no is the answer