Having a step son aswell as becoming FTM.

[NJT1993]

Hello!
Just wondering what others would do in my situation.
Myself and my partner are expecting our first baby in March. My partner also has a 10 y/o son who we have every weekend.
My step son is very demanding, has terrible tantrums and unless what we do means his time here can revolve around playing on the PC he will ruin the weekend.
He is homeschooled by his mum, but from what we can gather he rarely does any work and just seems to spend his week doing anything he fancies or being dragged around places with his mum.
He has mentioned quite a lot recently that when I finish work to have the baby, his mum can just drop him off at ours in the week and he will be at ours whenever he likes.
I’m not sure if this is his mum planting this in his head or he’s decided it for himself. My partner doesn’t seem to think this is an issue and hasn’t once corrected him and said that that won’t be happening -
My partner just says it’ll be nice to have him here more but in reality it will be me that’s doing the babysitting whilst trying to navigate being a first time mum.
I’ve tried to bring it up that, especially at the beginning when I’ve just had my baby, I’m not sure I feel comfortable having my SS aswell by myself due to his behaviour.
I feel as though it’s my time with my baby and deep down my SS will ruin it if he’s here all the time.
I would like to be able to spend more time with my mum and sisters during maternity as they are so excited, but I just know if my SS is around it will be hard to do that as after about 30 minutes he will make it impossible to stay out.
How would other people with step children approach this with their partner without causing ww3?

Is your dp content with the education his son is receiving?

No not at all, he is very worried about SS not having a proper education, but the mother is adamant she won’t send him to school. She claims he is autistic and ADHD but in reality if he went to school most of these problems would most likely be dealt with.
She is the type of mum that would restrict my partner seeing his son if he were to rock the boat as such, she has done it before and stopped him having him for a little while and now my partner feels like he has to walk on egg shells around her, so when he has an opinion on SS lack of schooling all hell breaks loose.

@NJT1993 I feel for you and your DH

I say this as a mum and SM. I know you might want to boil her head in a bag, but if DH wants to not rock the boat that's his choice and have no boundaries with DM absolutely fine.

But you need to make sure you aren't taking on his lack of boundaries and his monkeys becoming yours.

I will give you example my DSD is non Nero typical- DM refused to acknowledge this or get DSC help and it lead to DSC suffering socially and academically. My DH also didn't want to rock the boat because of contact being withheld.

I hated watching DSC suffer because of her mums actions and wanted to fix it but it was causing so much issues I had to say to DH I think this needs to happen but as there parent I accept that you are willing for nothing to happen not to rock the boat. I feel v sorry for DSC for both parents to be failing her in this manner but I'm not willing to spend emotional energy trying to get you to do the right thing.

DH when confronted with a boundaries did a dammed u turn and got DSC help and a diagnosis and DM went mad. I said you have to chose to put DC first or DM first. Which is it gonna be.

By not making a choice he's making a choice.

All I can say is you aren't in a position to fix it and my god it's awful having a window seat to parents who won't do right by their child but do not try and fix this or remove your own boundaries because he's essentially saying I'm putting DM happiness above DC happiness and also yours.

You need to be firm, your very vulnerable being pregnant don't forget that.

Why hasn’t he got a contact arrangements order?

I’d also take with a huge pinch of salt any threats to withdraw contact given she seems keen to offload DSS as soon as you’re around during the day…

Hilarious.

You need to say a firm no. Mean it and stick to it.

Tough if mum is fed up during the week, that's her choice. She can send him to school if she doesn't like it.

@NJT1993

No not at all, he is very worried about SS not having a proper education, but the mother is adamant she won’t send him to school. She claims he is autistic and ADHD but in reality if he went to school most of these problems would most likely be dealt with. She is the type of mum that would restrict my partner seeing his son if he were to rock the boat as such, she has done it before and stopped him having him for a little while and now my partner feels like he has to walk on egg shells around her, so when he has an opinion on SS lack of schooling all hell breaks loose.

Why doesn't he take her to court to get contact formalized? And if he is that worried about his sons education he should be doing something about it, not throwing his hands up in defeat. Sorry op but that is not a good father. I know you don't want to hear it but many posters are picking up on it. Your DH is Disney dad at best, neglectful at worst. Tell him in no uncertain terms that ss will not be there during your mat leave while he is at work. Best of luck for the future I feel your going to need it.

He’s obviously not a great dad is he? His son is not getting an education and has tantrums at 10.

Well if she had another baby she would have to look after them both so why should you two not also take your fair share. I feel sorry for the mums who have the kids most of the time and then but if it's the DF home it suddenly providing childcare. The kid has two homes, one of them is yours. Why do people marry people with kids when they are not prepared to treat them like they would their own child

I would put my foot down asap so this idea is removed from all their heads.
Homeschooling means he is required to be homeschooled by his mother. Report them to the council if this is not the case.
Do not fall into the trap of having your ss there at any point where your partner is not.
Tell your partner your maternity leave is to spend time with your baby and these months can never be re-lived.
This will be worrying you now throughout the rest of your pregnancy. If you don't feel able to explain yourself in person, wait until he goes to work and then message him to say no you don't want ss there during the week etc. this is just his mothers way of getting out of homeschooling. Perhaps suggest to his dad he returns to mainstream schooling if he's not getting the education at home that he deserves.

@flippertyop

Well if she had another baby she would have to look after them both so why should you two not also take your fair share. I feel sorry for the mums who have the kids most of the time and then but if it's the DF home it suddenly providing childcare. The kid has two homes, one of them is yours. Why do people marry people with kids when they are not prepared to treat them like they would their own child

This child should be "homeschooled" by his mother. At no point had the op agreed to take that role and why bloody should she. As a step mum you don't vow to be apart of anything. Your job is to be kind and befriend the child. A child had two parents and the op is not required to become a babysitter just because she is on maternity leave.

Your maternity leave isn’t for the ex to benefit from. She can’t just drop him off whenever.
The fact that you won’t be at work for a while is 100% nothing to do with her.

The kid has two homes, one of them is yours.

He has two parents. One of which needs to be in his two homes if he is there. Same with any child. They still have a home but they don't just get to decide to be in it without their parent there to care for them.

OP absolutely would be providing childcare. He's not her kid. The fact the mother would have to manage if she had a baby is so irrelevant, they would both be her children so... Duh.

You're more than happy to have him round any time dad is here.

This.

I think you can legitimately refuse to have him when your DH isn't there. I don't think you can restrict how much time he spends in his father's home when his father IS there, though - that would be wrong.

@flippertyop

Well if she had another baby she would have to look after them both so why should you two not also take your fair share. I feel sorry for the mums who have the kids most of the time and then but if it's the DF home it suddenly providing childcare. The kid has two homes, one of them is yours. Why do people marry people with kids when they are not prepared to treat them like they would their own child

Bingo!

Well if she had another baby she would have to look after them both so why should you two not also take your fair share.

That would be completely different and you know it. She would be around more to look after her own older children which is normal and fair enough. I’m a mum of 4 and very used to how this works.

What she shouldn’t have to do, is make another woman’s life easier and absolve that woman of her parental responsibilities. The ex should be getting on with life as normal, not dumping her child on op when it’s supposed to be her days to have her child.

Completely different scenario when the stepmum has her own older children.

You should absolutely not be responsible for your DSS as a FTM to a newborn. Even if your DSS was the most easy to parent, well mannered child going, it’d still be a no.

What on earth is your partner doing though to address the fact that his son isn’t being educated? You say My partner is a really good dad so I think he just wants to please SS and keep him happy. I’m sorry but this isn’t good parenting - your DSS desperately needs both an education and healthy boundaries, not being pleased all the time. I think a chat with social services should be on the cards to be honest as it sounds like it isn’t working with his mother currently.

@flippertyop

Well if she had another baby she would have to look after them both so why should you two not also take your fair share. I feel sorry for the mums who have the kids most of the time and then but if it's the DF home it suddenly providing childcare. The kid has two homes, one of them is yours. Why do people marry people with kids when they are not prepared to treat them like they would their own child

There is so much wrong with this it’s hard to know where to start.

It IS childcare/babysitting when you ask someone who does not have parental responsibility to look after them. SMs do not have parental responsibility.

It’s ridiculous to conflate the (accurate) statement that fathers looking after their child is parenting not childcare with a situation where the father is delegating their responsibilities to another person (which is what childcare is).

Similarly, the SM is not there to make the SC’s mother’s life easier. If she had another baby, then it does not fall to the SM to pick up the parenting she no longer wishes to do.

She could, if she wanted to, renegotiate the contact arrangement with the child’s father. And take the resulting reduction in child maintenance that comes with it. It still isn’t the SM’s job to look after him or homeschool him. That would be what his father was agreeing to do.

And, in this particular situation, treating the child like your own would involve sending him to school and implementing some form boundaries and robust parenting. But the child’s parents aren’t doing it. And there’s nothing a SM can do.

Ah, the worshippers of the golden uterus are here.

OP, ignore the stupidity. As others have said DSS welcome whenever is father is there. Other than that. No. Make sure DH understands because it sounds like cheeky fucker DM will try to just drop him off.

@sadpapercourtesan

I think you can legitimately refuse to have him when your DH isn't there. I don't think you can restrict how much time he spends in his father's home when his father IS there, though - that would be wrong.

Depends on whether the father is available to meet his needs. If he’s at work in the spare room and will not be disturbed to look after his child (and homeschool him), then it is fine to say that it’s not ok for him to be there.

Being physically present in the house is not sufficient.

Sorry but I can't see this ending well for any of you.
Your partner isn't being a good dad to his son. He has concerns about his sons schooling but doesn't want to "rock the boat"?!?! No if you have concerns you act on them and put your child and his education first.
Your parenting styles sound totally incompatible.
You need to sit down with him and tell him your maternity leave is for you and your baby and you are not a babysitter. Your SS is welcome when his dad is there but that's it. He is not your priority and you are not his parent or educator.
But like I said I can't see this ending well

@flippertyop

Well if she had another baby she would have to look after them both so why should you two not also take your fair share. I feel sorry for the mums who have the kids most of the time and then but if it's the DF home it suddenly providing childcare. The kid has two homes, one of them is yours. Why do people marry people with kids when they are not prepared to treat them like they would their own child

Is op able to take her baby to his mum's when she's on maternity leave? His father is the one that should be homeschooling him not op. She did not decide for him to not be in school, the people that made that decision should take responsibility.

The only compromise I might consider doing, is he is welcome round but after regular school hours.

Or if he is going to be living with you more, then he goes to school.

But this is down to his dad to arrange not you

Married people have stepchildren.

You're not a stepmother. You're being lined up as an unpaid childminder to your chap's brat when his own mother can't be bothered.

Just don't go there.

If the child has autism and adhd is his mum getting support? That's a lot to deal with and would explain the tatrums.