Step parenting and a new baby on the way

[north2south]

Hi All,

I'm 6mths pregnant with my first child and so so excited to become a mum for the first time. Everything is so new and exciting and I can't wait to hold my little bundle for the first time. My partner has a 8yr old daughter from a previous relationship and it's been a bit of a struggle since telling her about the baby.

No matter how much we reassure her she is not really coming around to the idea of the baby and keeps taking "huffs" with her dad and then not speaking/seeing him for a week and then saying she feels pushed out because of the baby. No matter how much he tries to reach out and see her in the meantime. We haven't even seen her for Christmas yet due to the last incident. Her mother then enables this behaviour doesn't encourage her to speak to her dad and it carries on unnecessarily for a lot longer than it should.

It's even started to impact our relationship in a way. As sometimes I can't help but feel resented for being pregnant and wanting to grow our family. Even though this is something we both wanted and actively tried for. The reality and impact of it is something neither of us expected. I'm sick of this pregnancy being made out to be as if it is something we are doing to upset and hurt my partner's daughter when we are just growing the family that she is part of. I understand that children will have a mix of emotions when a sibling is on their way and of course her feelings are valid however I can't help but feel the emotions aren't being directed in the right way and she seems to have very little guidance.

It's at the point now where my partner and his dad are also completely overreacting to the situation and making it a lot more dramatic than I feel it needs to be, pandering to these behaviours. Which in turn makes it worse and it continues to happen again again. I feel very alone at the moment as I feel all my partner and his dad are thinking and caring about is my partner's daughter and it is becoming centred around her. I can't remember the last time we had a conversation about getting ready for the baby that didn't swing back around to his daughter when in my eyes as harsh as it sounds it isn't all about his daughter. At the moment I feel it is just me and the baby and then them. I don't have any other family here as I moved 500miles to be with my partner so sometimes I'm feeling like I'm lacking in support. I want to be there for my partner and I know he wants to do right by everyone but I can't help but feel that all his focus is in one place and not the bigger picture. I'm so grateful for my pregnancy and I hate being made to feel like I've done something wrong or that the baby and I are being resented. I really don't know how to make this situation better for us all as a family. But I'm getting extremely exhausted by it. I may be over emotional or overthinking a lot of this due to hormones but it's all I can think about at the moment and the only thing my partner and I argue about.

Looking to here from people who have been in a similar situation and how/if things got easier. No keyboard warriors please with only judgmental things to say.

@RedWingBoots

OP please look at his actions not his words.

If his actions are still poor 2 weeks before you due date you must go back to your family.

Also if you earn more than him and/or have a decent pension and he doesn't if you don't live in Scotland do not marry him.

Hi @RedWingBoots

Thank you for all your advice so far. I will definitely continue to monitor the situation and if I feel at any point I need to make that move for the sake of me and my baby I absolutely will. The protection I feel for this little one already is insane! And there is noway I will put her happiness and well-being at risk. Thanks again 🥰 x

I have to say please look after yourself in all of this. Whilst it is hard on dsc and vital that she is supported. You deserve to enjoy your pregnancy and to be excited about the arrival of your lo and to be able to share that with your oh. Do you feel you can talk to him about how this is making you feel? There should be room to support dsc and enjoy this wonderful time together.

@RedWingBoots

OP please look at his actions not his words.

If his actions are still poor 2 weeks before you due date you must go back to your family.

Also if you earn more than him and/or have a decent pension and he doesn't if you don't live in Scotland do not marry him.

That advice is true in England too. See also buying a house using your equity or having him live in your house with his DD.

I know because I have been burnt by this. No good deed goes unpunished it seems.

Op you've had a lot of good advice here particularly around it being his actions. Yes he has the right to be upset about what his ex is doing to his dd but he doesn't have the right for it to be consuming. You've had a lot of good examples on here on what happens. My own was I was pushed into an induction that I could have rescheduled and made to feel guilty for not wanting it as it fell on a contact weekend and contact had to be rescheduled. Then dp was not happy when two days after he had cancelled, I had medical advice that said I now didn't have to go ahead with the induction. I felt pushed and backed into a corner and went ahead with medical intervention I didn't want to appease him because of his dd. Not that it mattered as he hasn't seen her since June so our ds is now 5 months old and you can imagine how hellish it has been (to add because her mother has withheld contact not because of us) he has been forced to take her back to court and it is very draining on all parties.

Step back from it tell him you don't want to hear it, concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy (mine was made hell not only by the ex but also my fil who decided to become the exs voice) and the early days with your baby. It sounds harsh but your dps ex is already showing signs of unreasonable behaviour which will only get worse when baby is here, you have to protect your own mental health for your baby's sake as well as your own.

I think the mum is making this situation worse...i bet she fuelled the lack of contact.

OP
My DSD is 8. At this age I see so many twists and turns. This year we got a fake Christmas tree and she cried and cried that it wasn’t real. Until half way through decorating it, it became the best tree ever.
I’m not comparing a baby and s Christmas tree obviously but just wanted to reassure you that what she says now will be entirely different to what will happen when the baby arrives. Three months might as well be a lifetime to an eight year old so maybe for now, lots of love-bombing and let her lead any baby conversation?

Hi @workingtheusername

Thank you, you are 100% right that I need to look after my self in all this and deserve to enjoy my pregnancy. Which for the most part I really am! I'm determined to continue to enjoy it without feeling guilty for being pregnant and elated about it.

Yes I do feel like I can talk to him now. It got a little tense for awhile but we have managed to actually talk properly now which has massively helped. There is nothing worse than when situations build up in my head and I end up creating an even worse situation internally.

You are so right! We can enjoy this together whilst supporting SD at the same time ☺️

Thanks @BurntToastAgain

We are very equal in everything that we have together 50/50 for every and we had everything drawn up legally when buying the house ☺️

Hi @Vie8126 ! Wow thanks for sharing your experience! That sounds absolutely awful!! I would like to think better of my partner than that, that he would never put me in that position with something as out of our control (for the most part) as the birth. He has mentioned he thinks the ex will be difficult and once again make it about his other daughter when the time comes however I've clearly said we won't be playing along with that game! Me and baby will need to be prioritised and all that will matter at that time will be the safe arrival of our daughter! I can't believe you were put through that! I hope you are feeling more supported now with the arrival of your little one! Congratulations by the way!

Yes she is already making things difficult. She's had in her head since we got together that as soon as we had one of our own he would push his other daughter aside - which she is now projecting on his daughter. I have no doubt she will continue to try and make out that he is favouring our daughter over SD and all sorts as time goes on. I think the less he tells her the better and keep communication as limited as possible. Tell her only what she needs to know and nothing else even to the point of telling porkies if it makes our lives easier (I hate lies in any form but his ex will not see anyone else's point of view and is just too impossible so easy life is the way forward)

@malificent7

I think the mum is making this situation worse...i bet she fuelled the lack of contact.

100% @malificent7 !!! Kids are stubborn! "I don't want to talk to dad as I'm annoyed " any other parent would be "you need to talk/see your dad - it's not a choice " but the mum just enjoys seeing the relationship being impacted and then just sits back and says "it's impacting your relationship you need to do something about it. It's because of the baby" but then he can't see or speak to her. She's so in control of it then she can blame it all in the baby - she's so vindictive

@Suretobe

OP My DSD is 8. At this age I see so many twists and turns. This year we got a fake Christmas tree and she cried and cried that it wasn’t real. Until half way through decorating it, it became the best tree ever. I’m not comparing a baby and s Christmas tree obviously but just wanted to reassure you that what she says now will be entirely different to what will happen when the baby arrives. Three months might as well be a lifetime to an eight year old so maybe for now, lots of love-bombing and let her lead any baby conversation?

Hi @Suretobe I agree I do think she will come around once the baby is here and to be fair she already talks about helping to look after the baby when she's hear which is t guided by us at all! Totally from her. Which makes believe more that the mum is making the situation what it is x

So I think I have mentioned a similar situation had started to unfold a few months ago with us and after lots of really decent advice from the lovely posters on here (which was pretty much DP stop passing info over, chat to him and explain my position - which is stop stressing prego women out) - we have started to make some head way with this, my stress levels have reduced dramatically and the impact the ex is having has for the moment reduced.

Just wanted to give you some light at end of tunnel view because when I was in it. It really sucked. It still does suck but a shift can happen but I'm not naive enough to think we have it nailed. Just to be clear, we have a lot to work but it's getting better.

I'm also floored by some of these stories pp have shared. It seems that this is really bloody common and if not stamped out, then some really awful situations people have been out in. I wonder when all these situations happened who did you talk to ? SM can be such a lonely place and even with a decent support network I struggle and I haven't faced some of the things the ladies in this post have. I feel rather ashamed for complaining tbh.

It's not really surprising the statics are what they are !

You told her far too early.

Hi @candlelightsatdawn

Thanks for sharing that! I definitely see a light at the end of the tunnel after reading the advice and having spoken to my partner.

Similar to you it won't be a quick fix but it's a start knowing that we are going to work through things together and we have both said what we have needed to say and need from each other.

I know! Some of the stories have been absolutely shocking and likewise feel rather ashamed for complaining about my own situation!

Xx

@FayCarew

You told her far too early.

Well it was the right time for us. Would be pretty impossible to hide all the baby stuff and decorating that we have going on. Not to mention the bump.

I expect she will feel differently when baby is here, but I don't think her reaction is that unusual, I doubt she is saying it to be spiteful, but more because she feels that way. I'd acknowledge her feelings and not talk to her about it unless she brings it up to be honest. I'm sure you have other friends and family you can do the things you envisaged doing with her whilst pregnant.

Weirdly it always seems to end up being assumed to be the exes fault though doesn't it.

@Pugroll I'm sure she will feel different when baby is here as we have already seen snippets of that. Completely lead by her not us such as wanting to help look after baby etc.

Yes of course, it's just finding the happy medium so she feels included if she wants to be.

It's not assuming it's the exes fault, I've seen the text messages and things she had said in the past. It's clear there are certain things being "said" that don't come from an 8yr old on their own ☺️

I can see both sides here. I think it can be quite hard for an 8 year old to process that both her parents have a new relationship and they both bring a half sibling into this, babies that will grow up with both their parents instead of her that lives in 2 homes, both blended families. She might strongly feel like an outsider and I really feel for her. In that regard I would definitely cut her some slack.
As for your partner, ofcourse he should care about the relationship with his daughter but he absolutely should prepare for this baby as well and not cause you extra stress. I would insist he starts preparing regardless of the issues that are now going on and ask him and his family to not constantly bring up this issue as it’s making you uncomfortable. You have every right to enjoy this pregnancy and fully be excited about it.
Congratulations

I think you are massively underestimating how much of an emotional impact a new sibling can have on a child, especially a half sibling.

Your new baby will share her dad… but will get to live with him full time while she goes back and forth between two houses. She’s 8, that’s a hell of a lot of big feelings to process. Even more so given she already has a half sibling at her mum’s.

I understand that this is hard for you given your husband’s reaction (and I do think he should have thought more about this before actively trying to conceive). But your shared baby isn’t here yet. His daughter is. I think concentrating on her feelings and how to help her adjust is an appropriate reaction from him and his dad. Providing he’s still giving you practical support and not ignoring your pregnancy, of course.

@north2south, it was the right time for you but not the right time for DSD.

Poor kid.

@FayCarew could you be a dear and tell us all when exactly she should have told DSC ? If there's a written manual with exact rules we would love to read it

Also just while your here what expertise you have on her specific family dynamic gave you the licence to come along and say poor kid.

Whatever issues you have please don't project them here.

Poor kid indeed.

@candlelightsatdawn 🙌

It's amazing isn't it when posters think they know the children in our lives better than their parents do 😂 as well as insult their intelligence.

I wait with bated breath for her clear expertise and guru like knowledge

[quote north2south]@Pugroll I'm sure she will feel different when baby is here as we have already seen snippets of that. Completely lead by her not us such as wanting to help look after baby etc.

Yes of course, it's just finding the happy medium so she feels included if she wants to be.

It's not assuming it's the exes fault, I've seen the text messages and things she had said in the past. It's clear there are certain things being "said" that don't come from an 8yr old on their own ☺️[/quote]
What's your partner doing to support both you and his daughter in this situation?

@candlelightsatdawn, I have no issues.

Why 'Poor kid'? She is part of two family units and probably feels she will have to share both parents. OP is obviously very excited about the new baby, but it's probably quite worrying for the DSD.

3 months is a long time for a child