Step parenting and a new baby on the way

RedWingBoots · 06/01/2022 16:50

When you are 8 the concept of pregnancy is weird, there as a baby is a real living thing.

The only thing you can do is continue to reassure and make a big deal of the child becoming a big sister.

Then when the baby is here make sure your DP spends a couple of hours just with his daughter every weekend he has her. This means he will have to take her out of the house to do something. It is easier in summer as they can just go and play outside there as in cold weather you have to be more inventive.

In regards to your partner if the conversation is causing you stress you need to firmly tell him stress isn't good for a pregnant woman and he needs to find someone else to talk about his issues to. Then change the subject. If he refuses to get the message go into a different room or go out for a walk so you are away from each other.

There is nothing neither of you can do about what the child's mother says to the child. However if contact is going to be an ongoing problem then your DP needs to try to get the child's mother to mediation if they can't talk to one another.

Wandda · 06/01/2022 16:53

Your DH needs to make sure he is spending some one on one time with his dd and that is something that needs to continue once your baby is born.

Holly60 · 06/01/2022 17:01

To be honest from your DP’s perspective I can see why he is prioritising his relationship with his 8 year old. You are an adult and so able to understand the situation for what it is, and your baby isn’t even born yet.

Once your baby gets here he does need to make sure it’s needs are met, and yours as a new mum, but for the minute he is probably right to prioritise his DD. Maybe he is aware he will need to split his attention more once the baby is actually here, so is trying to give his DD a load of attention now to make up for it?

WrittenInGold · 07/01/2022 01:06

This sounds really difficult. Putting aside what's happening with SD for the moment, I think it would be a good idea to make some space to be happy and excited about your upcoming baby. Something like an NCT class? There are also a few different online apps for expectant mums to meet other pregnant women in their area, and also just chat about baby things. I'd try and find ways to enjoy this time and focus on yourself even if your partner isn't being that supportive, try and protect yourself and put yourself first. You have every right to be excited about your new baby.

Other posters have mentioned DP having alone time with DSD when baby arrives. That is for DP to organise. However baby will need several hours of nap time every day for years. Could be a nice time for you to relax with book or tv with baby while DP has alone time with DSD. That sort of thing is not hard to sort out.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you get the support that you need.

candlelightsatdawn · 07/01/2022 05:35

Hey so I'm totally with you and I don't have much advice just I know how your feeling 💐

There's a ongoing support thread on her for ttc or pregnant SM which is a safe place if you just need to vent. Sometimes these posts come up on active and can lead to some fairly interesting comments.

The change in the dynamic is really hard and really Uber common for dads to do this. Not sure why but it happens a lot. It will settle down hopefully and someone will come along with better advice than I can give xxx

Berrybear · 07/01/2022 10:22

I totally get how you're feeling. My DD is 4 months old now and the good thing is that DSC absolutely adore her now. My DP loves her to bits however he definitely still prioritises DSC over her. His argument is that he knows that she's okay and that I'll make sure of that but that his ex will cause problems for them/create and feed negativity so he needs to support them first to counter that. We rarely argue but this is the one thing that creates a big issue between us and in all honesty sometimes I feel really guilty for bringing my DD into a situation where she is second best to her dad. I've spoken to him about it a lot and he has gotten much better at spending time with her so I'm hoping it will keep getting better, particularly as she gets older and becomes less reliant on me (she's exclusively breastfed). It absolutely broke my heart the other week though when DSC were at their mum's and I had asked DP to spend time with DD while they were away. I suggested he read her one of her story books and specifically suggested one my mum had got her for Christmas about a wee girl loving her dad. He said, "no, I'm going to read her dungeons and dragons because DSC want to play it and I need to learn so as to be the dungeon-master". I asked could he not read that with DSC and do something for her for a change but he said he is doing something for her cos he's reading to her and she doesn't know what it is he's reading so it makes no difference what he reads. In a sense I know he's right but it still broke my heart a bit that even when he's trying to do something for her and they're not around, it's still all about them and she can't be the focus at all.

One of the things I have found helped most, I think for both DSC and me, is doing things together as a family that involved all of us. So even things like going to soft play altogether as a family. I'll also talk about DD a lot in relation to them, so will talk about the aspects of her that are similar to them, like they share certain features, or will point out that she's paying them attention and big it up, like saying, "look she's smiling at you. She's always happy to see you." They'll help to bath her and things as well.
Now they have a really close bond with her and they are in no way threatened by her at all. It's their dad that is creating the issue but like I say, I'm hoping it will get better as time goes on as it's definitely improving. I know he's not doing it intentionally but I think there's a guilt there about having another child after DSC and he's worried that they'll feel insecure and over compensating when they are way past that now.

Original poster

north2south · 07/01/2022 10:29

@RedWingBoots

When you are 8 the concept of pregnancy is weird, there as a baby is a real living thing.

The only thing you can do is continue to reassure and make a big deal of the child becoming a big sister.

Then when the baby is here make sure your DP spends a couple of hours just with his daughter every weekend he has her. This means he will have to take her out of the house to do something. It is easier in summer as they can just go and play outside there as in cold weather you have to be more inventive.

In regards to your partner if the conversation is causing you stress you need to firmly tell him stress isn't good for a pregnant woman and he needs to find someone else to talk about his issues to. Then change the subject. If he refuses to get the message go into a different room or go out for a walk so you are away from each other.

There is nothing neither of you can do about what the child's mother says to the child. However if contact is going to be an ongoing problem then your DP needs to try to get the child's mother to mediation if they can't talk to one another.

Hi @RedWingBoots thank you for your response.

Yeah concept of a baby must be strange for an 8yr old but she does already have a little sister on her mums side who she adores so I think we have been a little shocked at her resistance.

What you have mentioned is exactly what I wanted to do, get her excited about the baby, maybe get her to pick some clothes etc... to be honest I had a whole movie montage in head of what it would be like through my rose tinted baby glasses 😂 really sadly as she has been so resistant and removed herself from anything to do with the baby it's been really difficult. Plus I don't want to push her to much and end up upsetting her more if that makes sense.

I don't see the alone time changing with her dad which all happens very naturally. There's going to be things she wants to do that her dad can do with her whilst I watch baby - especially with things like naps and I'm planning on breast feeding etc.

Mediation is something that has been mentioned so if things continue this way it may have to be the way forward. Hopefully after the baby is here as I do see and already stressful situation becoming worse at least initially. I don't think the mother will be happy with it and will make my partners life hell in the meantime.

Thank you again for your advice I really appreciate it x

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Original poster

north2south · 07/01/2022 10:30

@Wandda

Your DH needs to make sure he is spending some one on one time with his dd and that is something that needs to continue once your baby is born.

Yes I'm sure it will ☺️

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RedWingBoots · 07/01/2022 10:36

What you have mentioned is exactly what I wanted to do, get her excited about the baby, maybe get her to pick some clothes etc...

OP don't bother with anything like that until the baby is actually born.

A bump is seriously not exciting to a child. There as feeding a baby, the baby responding to you, etc is.

Mediation is something that has been mentioned so if things continue this way it may have to be the way forward. Hopefully after the baby is here as I do see and already stressful situation becoming worse at least initially. I don't think the mother will be happy with it and will make my partners life hell in the meantime.

Your partner needs to work out how he is going to deal with it.

He needs to leave you alone to concentrate 100% on yourself and the baby whatever she throws at him.

Just make sure you don't have any contact and communication with her for any reason whatsoever as you need to protect yourself.

CornishGem1975 · 07/01/2022 10:36

My SC couldn't have cared less when I was pregnant, they barely mentioned it that much (probably because they knew their mum was 'upset') but once the baby arrived they were completely different. They absolutely dote on my DC. I think it's hard for younger children to connect with a baby they can't see, and hopefully, the situation will improve for you once the baby arrives.

My DH still manages to do things alone with his DC. It's not easy though as sometimes I feel resentful that I am left holding the baby on my own at the weekend after I've been at work all week but I suck it up!

Original poster

north2south · 07/01/2022 10:39

@Holly60

To be honest from your DP’s perspective I can see why he is prioritising his relationship with his 8 year old. You are an adult and so able to understand the situation for what it is, and your baby isn’t even born yet.

Once your baby gets here he does need to make sure it’s needs are met, and yours as a new mum, but for the minute he is probably right to prioritise his DD. Maybe he is aware he will need to split his attention more once the baby is actually here, so is trying to give his DD a load of attention now to make up for it?

Hi @holly60, I understand what you are saying but just because we are adults doesn't mean our feelings no longer matter and as adults we carry the stress a lot more because we understand the magnitude of the situations. I'm not saying don't priorities a child's feelings of course however I feel everyone's feelings matter in situations such as these. Also children need to start understanding how their actions can impact others not just themselves. Although this is just my opinion ☺️

Well this is the thing he can't even spend more time with her as she won't allow him to and will refuse to see him. She removes herself and then says that she feels pushed out because of the baby but the only reason she isn't seeing her dad is her own doing if that makes sense. So it's a rock and a hard place.

Thank you for your comment x

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AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2022 10:42

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Hard to believe an 8 year old would say they feel “pushed out” by an unborn baby unless they were being fed that by an adult. It seems her mum thinks it’s okay for her to have another child but that doesn’t go for her dad.

What does anyone think has changed day to day due to being pregnant? Pregnancy can be very abstract I agree so what’s causing this upset? Why’s your father in law getting so involved?

It’s time for a serious conversation with your partner. He had no right trying for another child if he was going to freak out like this once you got what you both wanted. He knows he’s your only support and he’s behaving like a child himself. In a family, including a blended one, no one child is worthy of more consideration than another, none of them asked to be born and they all deserve equal thought and investment. If you put up with this fucked up dynamic now you can only imagine how ridiculous things will be once you’re getting used to life with a newborn.

Tell him to stop bringing her up in every conversation about the baby. He wanted them as much as you did and he’s not going to ruin these final months with his guilt issues. Tell him you don’t want to hear what his dad thinks. Literally nothing to do with you! Tell him to get on board with this new baby and sort his head out before it’s born.

Glitterygreen · 07/01/2022 10:48

Hey @north2south,

I am newly pregnant and worried about this very thing! Although luckily for me my DP's ex is generally supportive so she won't be stirring the pot/reinforcing bad feelings, which sounds like it might be happening in your situation and making SD's reaction worse.

What I am trying to bear in mind is, thinking back to when I was a child, I would have absolutely hated it if my mum and dad had another baby when I was old enough to know about it, I even remember making comments to my mum back then, along the lines of "you better not or I'll move out!!"😂. And that was without the insecurities of knowing the new baby would live with one of my parents full-time while I didn't etc.

So I would try not to take it to heart too much (even though I know it hurts) and actually I'd back off from chatting about the baby or bringing it up with her, even if it's just happening to try and make SD feel better and reassure her. Speak to your DH and agree to both act normally, don't keep talking about the baby when SD is around so she can see things are continuing the same despite the news. I know the child Glitterygreen would not have wanted to keep talking about it and it would have just made me worse - I'd rather have just kept off the topic.

At the end of the day, the baby is coming and she has no choice about that so dwelling on her reactions now isn't helping anybody.

Hopefully when the baby arrives she will be just as enamoured as she is with her other little sister, but until then continuing to bring it up to try and push her to feel good/excited about it is probably just making her feel worse and like the baby is all anyone will ever talk about now.

Original poster

north2south · 07/01/2022 10:50

@WrittenInGold

This sounds really difficult. Putting aside what's happening with SD for the moment, I think it would be a good idea to make some space to be happy and excited about your upcoming baby. Something like an NCT class? There are also a few different online apps for expectant mums to meet other pregnant women in their area, and also just chat about baby things. I'd try and find ways to enjoy this time and focus on yourself even if your partner isn't being that supportive, try and protect yourself and put yourself first. You have every right to be excited about your new baby.

Other posters have mentioned DP having alone time with DSD when baby arrives. That is for DP to organise. However baby will need several hours of nap time every day for years. Could be a nice time for you to relax with book or tv with baby while DP has alone time with DSD. That sort of thing is not hard to sort out.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you get the support that you need.

Thank you @WrittenInGold and thank you so much for your kind words 🥰

You are so right! I think shifting my focus and doing something positive is a great idea! We actually start NCT classes in Feb! Can't wait! I'm also starting pregnancy yoga next Tuesday which I'm really looking forward to. Thank you again xx

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Original poster

north2south · 07/01/2022 10:51

@candlelightsatdawn

Hey so I'm totally with you and I don't have much advice just I know how your feeling 💐

There's a ongoing support thread on her for ttc or pregnant SM which is a safe place if you just need to vent. Sometimes these posts come up on active and can lead to some fairly interesting comments.

The change in the dynamic is really hard and really Uber common for dads to do this. Not sure why but it happens a lot. It will settle down hopefully and someone will come along with better advice than I can give xxx

Thank you @candlelightsatdawn it's feels good to just be understood if I'm honest.

Thanks! I'll take a look at that thread for sure! Thank you again and for your kind words xxx

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Original poster

north2south · 07/01/2022 11:05

@Berrybear

I totally get how you're feeling. My DD is 4 months old now and the good thing is that DSC absolutely adore her now. My DP loves her to bits however he definitely still prioritises DSC over her. His argument is that he knows that she's okay and that I'll make sure of that but that his ex will cause problems for them/create and feed negativity so he needs to support them first to counter that. We rarely argue but this is the one thing that creates a big issue between us and in all honesty sometimes I feel really guilty for bringing my DD into a situation where she is second best to her dad. I've spoken to him about it a lot and he has gotten much better at spending time with her so I'm hoping it will keep getting better, particularly as she gets older and becomes less reliant on me (she's exclusively breastfed). It absolutely broke my heart the other week though when DSC were at their mum's and I had asked DP to spend time with DD while they were away. I suggested he read her one of her story books and specifically suggested one my mum had got her for Christmas about a wee girl loving her dad. He said, "no, I'm going to read her dungeons and dragons because DSC want to play it and I need to learn so as to be the dungeon-master". I asked could he not read that with DSC and do something for her for a change but he said he is doing something for her cos he's reading to her and she doesn't know what it is he's reading so it makes no difference what he reads. In a sense I know he's right but it still broke my heart a bit that even when he's trying to do something for her and they're not around, it's still all about them and she can't be the focus at all.

One of the things I have found helped most, I think for both DSC and me, is doing things together as a family that involved all of us. So even things like going to soft play altogether as a family. I'll also talk about DD a lot in relation to them, so will talk about the aspects of her that are similar to them, like they share certain features, or will point out that she's paying them attention and big it up, like saying, "look she's smiling at you. She's always happy to see you." They'll help to bath her and things as well.
Now they have a really close bond with her and they are in no way threatened by her at all. It's their dad that is creating the issue but like I say, I'm hoping it will get better as time goes on as it's definitely improving. I know he's not doing it intentionally but I think there's a guilt there about having another child after DSC and he's worried that they'll feel insecure and over compensating when they are way past that now.

Hi @Berrybear!

I can relate to so much of what you are saying and I take my hat of to you so much with dealing with that situation. It broke my heart reading that your DD comes second best. That should never be the case! Glad to hear it's improving and you are working through it. Reading that I know that's not something I would be able to put up with at all so I really hope my partner finds the right balance when she arrives.

You hit the nail on the head with the word guilt! My partner definitely feels guilty which is why he overcompensates too. He feels guilty the fact that his daughters parents aren't together and baby will have their parents together, he feels guilty that he will spend a lot more time with baby than his daughter as he only sees her every other weekend and I think in general feels guilty that he is having another child and will have to split his attention. Guilt plays a massive part and all I hear him say is "what am I doing wrong " 😕

Thank you for sharing your situation. Congratulations on the birth of your DD and I really hope things continue to improve for you 💐

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Original poster

north2south · 07/01/2022 11:11

@CornishGem1975

My SC couldn't have cared less when I was pregnant, they barely mentioned it that much (probably because they knew their mum was 'upset') but once the baby arrived they were completely different. They absolutely dote on my DC. I think it's hard for younger children to connect with a baby they can't see, and hopefully, the situation will improve for you once the baby arrives.

My DH still manages to do things alone with his DC. It's not easy though as sometimes I feel resentful that I am left holding the baby on my own at the weekend after I've been at work all week but I suck it up!

Thank you @CornishGem1975

That is definitely a hope I'm clinging onto is that when baby arrives she will love her like she does her other sister.

I must admit that does go through my head about being left holding the baby. I've said he can't just completely push baby aside and leave everything to me for baby. We will have a routine and SD will need to become part of that too. We are also doing shared maternity as SMO is soooo bad we can't be without my wage as his work pays full pay maternity. So I'll be going back to work far earlier than planned xx

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Coronawireless · 07/01/2022 11:12

@north2south

Hi All,

I'm 6mths pregnant with my first child and so so excited to become a mum for the first time. Everything is so new and exciting and I can't wait to hold my little bundle for the first time. My partner has a 8yr old daughter from a previous relationship and it's been a bit of a struggle since telling her about the baby.

No matter how much we reassure her she is not really coming around to the idea of the baby and keeps taking "huffs" with her dad and then not speaking/seeing him for a week and then saying she feels pushed out because of the baby. No matter how much he tries to reach out and see her in the meantime. We haven't even seen her for Christmas yet due to the last incident. Her mother then enables this behaviour doesn't encourage her to speak to her dad and it carries on unnecessarily for a lot longer than it should.

It's even started to impact our relationship in a way. As sometimes I can't help but feel resented for being pregnant and wanting to grow our family. Even though this is something we both wanted and actively tried for. The reality and impact of it is something neither of us expected. I'm sick of this pregnancy being made out to be as if it is something we are doing to upset and hurt my partner's daughter when we are just growing the family that she is part of. I understand that children will have a mix of emotions when a sibling is on their way and of course her feelings are valid however I can't help but feel the emotions aren't being directed in the right way and she seems to have very little guidance.

It's at the point now where my partner and his dad are also completely overreacting to the situation and making it a lot more dramatic than I feel it needs to be, pandering to these behaviours. Which in turn makes it worse and it continues to happen again again. I feel very alone at the moment as I feel all my partner and his dad are thinking and caring about is my partner's daughter and it is becoming centred around her. I can't remember the last time we had a conversation about getting ready for the baby that didn't swing back around to his daughter when in my eyes as harsh as it sounds it isn't all about his daughter. At the moment I feel it is just me and the baby and then them. I don't have any other family here as I moved 500miles to be with my partner so sometimes I'm feeling like I'm lacking in support. I want to be there for my partner and I know he wants to do right by everyone but I can't help but feel that all his focus is in one place and not the bigger picture. I'm so grateful for my pregnancy and I hate being made to feel like I've done something wrong or that the baby and I are being resented. I really don't know how to make this situation better for us all as a family. But I'm getting extremely exhausted by it. I may be over emotional or overthinking a lot of this due to hormones but it's all I can think about at the moment and the only thing my partner and I argue about.

Looking to here from people who have been in a similar situation and how/if things got easier. No keyboard warriors please with only judgmental things to say.

The answer is not to think about yourself all the time.

LittleOwl153 · 07/01/2022 11:17

Whilst I agree with others about it being a big change for dsd, it is also a big change for you! And you need support from your partner and he needs to be a part of this baby's start in life.

I think I would actually take a harsher line with him. You don't say what he is like when dsd is not with you, but the fact that you say you are finding pregnancy lonely when you have a dp right there robably tels me the answer and I think is awful!

I think 2 things need to change.

He needs to start supporting you. You left your family for him so he needs to step up. Otherwise is going back to your family an option? I'd certainly look at it if you are getting no support where you are.

He needs to deal more effectively with dad's mother. If she is withholding contact then he needs to go to court and get it formalised. Sadly she can kick off all she likes but dsd isn't going g to form a relationship with this baby with a load of crap going off in her ear - and her dad is currently backing her mother up on this through his behaviour.

Good luck OP sadly I think you are going to need it!

LittleOwl153 · 07/01/2022 11:19

He needs to deal more effectively with dad's mother

Should be dsd 's mother.

Clearly my typing/autocorrect is getting the better of me today!

Original poster

north2south · 07/01/2022 11:24

@AnneLovesGilbert

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Hard to believe an 8 year old would say they feel “pushed out” by an unborn baby unless they were being fed that by an adult. It seems her mum thinks it’s okay for her to have another child but that doesn’t go for her dad.

What does anyone think has changed day to day due to being pregnant? Pregnancy can be very abstract I agree so what’s causing this upset? Why’s your father in law getting so involved?

It’s time for a serious conversation with your partner. He had no right trying for another child if he was going to freak out like this once you got what you both wanted. He knows he’s your only support and he’s behaving like a child himself. In a family, including a blended one, no one child is worthy of more consideration than another, none of them asked to be born and they all deserve equal thought and investment. If you put up with this fucked up dynamic now you can only imagine how ridiculous things will be once you’re getting used to life with a newborn.

Tell him to stop bringing her up in every conversation about the baby. He wanted them as much as you did and he’s not going to ruin these final months with his guilt issues. Tell him you don’t want to hear what his dad thinks. Literally nothing to do with you! Tell him to get on board with this new baby and sort his head out before it’s born.

Thank you @AnneLovesGilbert!

Thank you so much for your advice and your directness 😂😂 your comment gave me a much needed giggle actually 🤣

You are 100% right I think a lot of it is coming from the mother actually. We had to question things the other week because her little sister got scarlet fever of all things and we had to check a few things before having her and the mothers response was "and so it begins... 😕" also years ago when we had only been together a matter of months the ex said things to my partner such as "oh just wait until she gets pregnant and then it will be bye bye SD" ... so she will definitely be feeding this as as you say... how can she be pushed out for a baby that hasn't arrived yet.

You are so right my partner does need to sort his shit out and the less involved the father in law is the better in my opinion. He's just making the situation worse in all honesty.

Thank you again! Xx

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Original poster

north2south · 07/01/2022 11:28

@Glitterygreen

Hey *@north2south*,

I am newly pregnant and worried about this very thing! Although luckily for me my DP's ex is generally supportive so she won't be stirring the pot/reinforcing bad feelings, which sounds like it might be happening in your situation and making SD's reaction worse.

What I am trying to bear in mind is, thinking back to when I was a child, I would have absolutely hated it if my mum and dad had another baby when I was old enough to know about it, I even remember making comments to my mum back then, along the lines of "you better not or I'll move out!!"😂. And that was without the insecurities of knowing the new baby would live with one of my parents full-time while I didn't etc.

So I would try not to take it to heart too much (even though I know it hurts) and actually I'd back off from chatting about the baby or bringing it up with her, even if it's just happening to try and make SD feel better and reassure her. Speak to your DH and agree to both act normally, don't keep talking about the baby when SD is around so she can see things are continuing the same despite the news. I know the child Glitterygreen would not have wanted to keep talking about it and it would have just made me worse - I'd rather have just kept off the topic.

At the end of the day, the baby is coming and she has no choice about that so dwelling on her reactions now isn't helping anybody.

Hopefully when the baby arrives she will be just as enamoured as she is with her other little sister, but until then continuing to bring it up to try and push her to feel good/excited about it is probably just making her feel worse and like the baby is all anyone will ever talk about now.

Thanks @Glitterygreen yes I think a lot of it is definitely coming from the mother.

Haha to be honest little me wouldn't have been ecstatic if I'm totally honest. Although I did want a big bro or sis! Or a twin 😂😂 my mum used to joke about letting them out of the cupboard 🤣🤣

Thanks so much for your advice. Huge congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope your situation will be drama free and to be honest if the ex is supportive it sounds like it will be as she won't be feeding and enabling behaviours. Congratulations 🥳 💐 xx

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Original poster

north2south · 07/01/2022 11:30

@Coronawireless thanks for your advice ☺️

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Glitterygreen · 07/01/2022 11:46

@north2south It's so hard isn't it. It's perfectly natural for children not to feel thrilled about a new sibling but it's only in stepfamilies where there is so much capacity for drama.

When you've got an ex stirring it up and a DH overthinking and feeling like he's done something awful rather than understanding that loads of kids may feel this way, it's just the perfect storm and makes it so stressful for everyone involved.

Original poster

north2south · 07/01/2022 11:47

@LittleOwl153

Whilst I agree with others about it being a big change for dsd, it is also a big change for you! And you need support from your partner and he needs to be a part of this baby's start in life.

I think I would actually take a harsher line with him. You don't say what he is like when dsd is not with you, but the fact that you say you are finding pregnancy lonely when you have a dp right there robably tels me the answer and I think is awful!

I think 2 things need to change.

He needs to start supporting you. You left your family for him so he needs to step up. Otherwise is going back to your family an option? I'd certainly look at it if you are getting no support where you are.

He needs to deal more effectively with dad's mother. If she is withholding contact then he needs to go to court and get it formalised. Sadly she can kick off all she likes but dsd isn't going g to form a relationship with this baby with a load of crap going off in her ear - and her dad is currently backing her mother up on this through his behaviour.

Good luck OP sadly I think you are going to need it!

Hi @LittleOwl153 . Thank you for your advice. Yeah it is a tough one - sometimes he can be great and then dramatics start happening through the ex and his daughters behaviour that he then is so engulfed in that that things change. He takes it out on our relationship and pulls away from me becoming very cold.

To point one sadly I can't go home, not without it being the end of the relationship. I'm definitely not their yet and I'm hoping things will improve. They sometimes do after we communicate effectively but it's the repeat events that takes us around in circles that I'm struggling to deal with now.

Point two he is thinking of the mediation route for sure. I've said those very things about enabling behaviour however I just get told that I don't understand and I have no empathy.

Thanks again @LittleOwl153 think I definitely need luck on my side ☺️ xx

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