Step parenting and a new baby on the way

[north2south]

Hi All,

I'm 6mths pregnant with my first child and so so excited to become a mum for the first time. Everything is so new and exciting and I can't wait to hold my little bundle for the first time. My partner has a 8yr old daughter from a previous relationship and it's been a bit of a struggle since telling her about the baby.

No matter how much we reassure her she is not really coming around to the idea of the baby and keeps taking "huffs" with her dad and then not speaking/seeing him for a week and then saying she feels pushed out because of the baby. No matter how much he tries to reach out and see her in the meantime. We haven't even seen her for Christmas yet due to the last incident. Her mother then enables this behaviour doesn't encourage her to speak to her dad and it carries on unnecessarily for a lot longer than it should.

It's even started to impact our relationship in a way. As sometimes I can't help but feel resented for being pregnant and wanting to grow our family. Even though this is something we both wanted and actively tried for. The reality and impact of it is something neither of us expected. I'm sick of this pregnancy being made out to be as if it is something we are doing to upset and hurt my partner's daughter when we are just growing the family that she is part of. I understand that children will have a mix of emotions when a sibling is on their way and of course her feelings are valid however I can't help but feel the emotions aren't being directed in the right way and she seems to have very little guidance.

It's at the point now where my partner and his dad are also completely overreacting to the situation and making it a lot more dramatic than I feel it needs to be, pandering to these behaviours. Which in turn makes it worse and it continues to happen again again. I feel very alone at the moment as I feel all my partner and his dad are thinking and caring about is my partner's daughter and it is becoming centred around her. I can't remember the last time we had a conversation about getting ready for the baby that didn't swing back around to his daughter when in my eyes as harsh as it sounds it isn't all about his daughter. At the moment I feel it is just me and the baby and then them. I don't have any other family here as I moved 500miles to be with my partner so sometimes I'm feeling like I'm lacking in support. I want to be there for my partner and I know he wants to do right by everyone but I can't help but feel that all his focus is in one place and not the bigger picture. I'm so grateful for my pregnancy and I hate being made to feel like I've done something wrong or that the baby and I are being resented. I really don't know how to make this situation better for us all as a family. But I'm getting extremely exhausted by it. I may be over emotional or overthinking a lot of this due to hormones but it's all I can think about at the moment and the only thing my partner and I argue about.

Looking to here from people who have been in a similar situation and how/if things got easier. No keyboard warriors please with only judgmental things to say.

[quote Glitterygreen]@north2south It's so hard isn't it. It's perfectly natural for children not to feel thrilled about a new sibling but it's only in stepfamilies where there is so much capacity for drama.

When you've got an ex stirring it up and a DH overthinking and feeling like he's done something awful rather than understanding that loads of kids may feel this way, it's just the perfect storm and makes it so stressful for everyone involved.[/quote]
It really does!! Congratulations again @Glitterygreen! And thank you ☺️ xx

I just get told that I don't understand and I have no empathy.

Where’s his empathy for you?

This is really bad OP.

OP your DP has to go to mediation before he goes to court anyway.

It must be hard for an 8 year old to get two siblings in this way in what sounds like fairly short order, so I'm not at all surprised she's acting out. But I don't think that should be your problem, OP and your partner shouldn't be pushing it on to you.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I just get told that I don't understand and I have no empathy.

Where’s his empathy for you?

This is really bad OP.

Well he's so engulfed with what's going on with his daughter I think he thinks I'm an adult and should just get on with it xx

@RedWingBoots

OP your DP has to go to mediation before he goes to court anyway.

Yeah I know, that's if she agrees 😬 I have a feeling she won't and it could potentially make things worse before getting better xx

@PleasantBirthday

It must be hard for an 8 year old to get two siblings in this way in what sounds like fairly short order, so I'm not at all surprised she's acting out. But I don't think that should be your problem, OP and your partner shouldn't be pushing it on to you.

Hi @PleasantBirthday thanks for your comment. Not that short, her little sister is three so been around awhile now 🙂

Yeah you are right. He shouldn't be putting it on me but I guess it's hard to keep it separate when it's affecting his every day mood and how he is within our relationship. X

Maybe if going home would end the relationship then you need to be a little/lot clearer about what he needs to change to prevent that?

He needs to start the process with DSD/her mother. He needs to be serious about sorting this out for her and for his new child.

He needs to start supporting you and stop telling you you have no empathy when actually you have no support because he just abandons you and seemingly doesn't care about the impact.

He needs to have a plan for when the baby is born because this lot is going to kick off a while lot more then. And if he continues with you need to support yourself whilst he ponders to the ex ki d of attitude then you seriously would be better going home - at least for your maternity leave. Is that what he wants? Will he put dsd above you AND his new baby forever? Are you prepared to accept that for your new dc?

Agree with LittleOwl153.

Oh and if 2 weeks before your due date he's still doing this shit just go back to your family to give birth and stay there.

The reason is he can't then stop you moving with your child.

I think it’s a tale as old as time OP. Lots of step mums including myself have been where you are now. In my experience, even if the step child loves the baby when it arrives (my SD did/does for what it’s worth) the dad will put the step child first to ease their own guilt. You’ve just got to learn to live with it (or not). We’re still together but it’s taken a lot of resolve and compromise on my part to keep the family together. I still get the sense now that I’m never anywhere near the top of DH’s list of priorities and it worries me that our children will feel this way too, the oldest one already acts out to get his attention. Having said all of that, having our children has been the best thing I’ve ever done and I don’t regret it for one second, it’s been tough but we’re just about managing to navigate it and now 9 years in being a blended family is becoming easier.

@LittleOwl153

Maybe if going home would end the relationship then you need to be a little/lot clearer about what he needs to change to prevent that?

He needs to start the process with DSD/her mother. He needs to be serious about sorting this out for her and for his new child.

He needs to start supporting you and stop telling you you have no empathy when actually you have no support because he just abandons you and seemingly doesn't care about the impact.

He needs to have a plan for when the baby is born because this lot is going to kick off a while lot more then. And if he continues with you need to support yourself whilst he ponders to the ex ki d of attitude then you seriously would be better going home - at least for your maternity leave. Is that what he wants? Will he put dsd above you AND his new baby forever? Are you prepared to accept that for your new dc?

If you going home to get some support at the end of your pregnancy and with a newborn would end the relationship (rather than making your partner step up to the new set of responsibilities he’s chosen to take on), then I think the relationship could well be doomed anyway.

The biggest danger is that you end up deeply traumatised because you weren’t supported - in fact, you were treated with hostility - when you were as vulnerable as you will probably ever be in your life.

Genuinely, as someone who has experienced this (and in a situation where it was his issues and guilt that we’re driving it because the SC were pleased about the whole new brother thing), my main piece of advice would be to do whatever you need to right now to ensure that you are properly supported at the end of pregnancy/in labour/with a tiny new baby. Doing all that while being scapegoated is truly horrific. As is having your husband put you and your tiny new baby behind indulging other children such that he created a whole host of now intractable behaviour problems.

It’s all hard enough with good support. With a man behaving like your partner… it may well destroy you.

I don’t say that lightly.

@RedWingBoots

Agree with LittleOwl153.

Oh and if 2 weeks before your due date he's still doing this shit just go back to your family to give birth and stay there.

The reason is he can't then stop you moving with your child.

Yes. Definitely.

I considered fucking off back to where I come from at the end of labour to escape the constant anxiety about his other children and whether he’d see them/whether he wouldn’t see them/whether he’d have to look after them and miss the birth. I was overdue and made to feel like I was purposefully trying to stop him seeing his children (who he was choosing not to have in case he’d have to look after them and would miss the birth).

In any case, he was a useless birth partner. Worse than useless. The worst parts of my labour are entirely his doing. I ended up with a EMCS and was a hair’s breadth away from the full on general anaesthetic experience. And still, his top priority was seeing his other children. The only (semi) decent thing his ex has ever done for me was insisting that he shouldn’t pick them up on the way home from picking me and the baby up from the hospital. She dropped them off at 8.30 the next morning instead. For 3 weeks. And he allowed them to constantly scream and wake the baby I couldn’t get to sleep up. He also insisted that I must go along to trips to the park with them with the baby and stand around trying to breastfeed while receiving from major abdominal surgery. Anything else would be unfair. To him. To them.

My needs… the baby’s needs… way down the list of priorities. Even 3 days after a dreadful birth experience.

The reason I’m saying all this is to illustrate how bad it can be. Don’t make the mistakes I did. If he isn’t being absolutely and entirely supportive of you, go somewhere where you will be supported.

@BurntToastAgain I'm not gonna lie that is the worst birth story involving blended family I have ever heard. I'm so sorry you were let down like this ! Did your partner ever recognise how ducked up this was ?

I remember recovery from my c section - it wasn't pretty.

I am a mum of 2 kids whose dad is about to remarry. He is marrying someone significantly younger who has no children.

I have to give them credit they have been very open that this involve more kids. Very clear from day 1.

My kids do not want this to happen. Obviously its going to weather they like it or not. They hate the idea of sharing their dad. They know they will love any new babies. But its clearly going to be a very difficult time for us all to navigate. Im not sure dad and SM realise quite how much. Financially a challenge as funding uni and driving lessons whilst paying nursery fees is going to be an interesting one. Practically-doing all the picks ups and drops offs to clubs sports and activities and leaving SM at home with baby. And the fact that when its babys naptime... my kids will want to be out bowling or cinema etc. And also just emotionally for their dad and meeting everyones needs and expectations is going to be pretty much impossible. I worry about this every day. Im not sure they do?

But anyway, ill help get my kids through it and will have to provide what their father will no longer be able to. Hopefully they wont notice too much that im doing that and will be excited at some point.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@BurntToastAgain I'm not gonna lie that is the worst birth story involving blended family I have ever heard. I'm so sorry you were let down like this ! Did your partner ever recognise how ducked up this was ?

I remember recovery from my c section - it wasn't pretty. [/quote]
Not in any meaningful sense, @candlelightsatdawn.

He accepts that ‘mistakes were made’ but does not appreciate that he utterly let me down when I was incredibly vulnerable. He wasn’t just unsupportive, he was hostile and he made his children into instruments to torture me.

He thinks that I was just crazy and ‘obsessed with the baby’ and I shut him out unfairly. Don’t you know, I should have been busy expressing so he could bottle feed the 3 day old baby so he could bond with him? Not doing so was unfair to him.

And he’s just a poor father trying to make sure his children are OK. It’s ridiculous to expect that he not allow them to run around screaming and fighting or to keep poking the baby while saying to me ‘I can touch him if I want’. And so on.

I actually think @north2south‘s experience has the potential to be worse because there’s an 8 year old who is not happy about it and an ex who is stoking that particular fire. The recovery after birth in that situation could be unimaginably bad. She needs support. Proper support.

@jackiebenimble totally understand the fear as a mum. I think though you have to see it like they would have these fears and challenges say if you stayed with DH and had another child. These fears aren't uncommon to nuclear families too.

Obviously the element of to have another child vs keep the status quo is now no longer within your control but try to think about it as within a blended family there are three people now to help manage the impact of a new child on all the kids.

If this had happened in nuclear family the kids to a degree would have just had mum and dad and they wouldn't have had a extra pair of hands to hand the baby to or be able to carve out time was easily. You wouldn't also ask your children in nuclear family if they wanted a brother or sister in a serious way, it would just be on the cards as part of a decision made by the adults. It's not actually any different in a blended family because kids shouldnt make reproductive choices for the adults. The flip side of this is my SD has been haranguing me and DH for a sibling for a long bloody while, I love her enthusiasm - I had other more pressing factors I had to consider other than I want a sibling. Wants are fine to have but may not always be met. Needs of children (such as I truly considered the possibility of another still birth and the impact on my SD MH) had to take dominance.

I say this as a mum with a ex and SM who will also probably have children at some point I wouldn't default to thinking that they haven't thought about the DC (maybe truly they haven't) but it's a rabbit Warren of thought that will only end up stressing you out. If you show the kids it's ok and things will be ok usually they will follow your lead.
No one likes sharing or change but it's a essential to children's development that we show them it's ok to have feelings on it, but that doesn't mean we can control it.

I hope everything pans out for you and the children. For total transparency I'm also a SM so I know from the other side of the fence just how much stress this can cause all sides.

@BurntToastAgain I'm just really bloody sorry you went through that 😞 it's ironic that in your time of need the ex wife somewhat helped. I'm also sorry you never got a true apology, I'm actually livid on your behalf... I think the thing is you don't ever really know how vulnerable you are pregnant and it ramps up post birth for a year after. I certainly didn't know until I had my first child. That's kinda is why I started the support thread tbh, it seems to me that actually there's a fair amount of potential for things to go so bloody wrong. More so than in standard family set up because there's simply more voices involved offering "opinions".

I'm hoping the OPs partner can turn this around but in order for that to happen, there has to be some written in bloody boundaries set up.

With a first baby you truly don't ever realise just how vulnerable you are and anyone that takes advantage during this time should be hung drawn and quartered.

Well…the ex helped slightly.

But, given that an enormous amount of the crap was driven by her attitudes and behaviour in the first place… a few hours of respite was not a lot.

I think you’re vulnerable however many babies you’ve had. I’ve got 3 children. I was far more vulnerable in that pregnancy because my husband and the whole stepfamily set up made it that way.

I’m incredibly angry with him and I realise (through) therapy that this is a way of coping with the trauma of being treated like that when I was extremely vulnerable (and being made more vulnerable by that treatment). Given his unwillingness to accept how badly he let me down, anger is the safer response. But I’m working on a strategy that works better for me.

It’s not about me though. My cautionary tale matters only because I hope @north2south will be able to make sure she gets the support she needs. She deserves that.

I thought my EXDP bringing his DSS to stay with us on day 3 post partum for 2 weeks then completely ignoring us in favour of his DS was bad, but that is horrific @BurntToastAgain. I'm so sorry you went through that, it sounds awful.

In relation to your OP, I can only suggest sitting down with your DH and explaining how you are feeling without making any reference to his DC. Otherwise he will only get defensive, and before long he will be accusing you of not liking/hating them.

OP, I want to add 2 things for your consideration :

1. your DH obviously feeling upset because he doesn't see her daughter however unreasonable her reasons are. It might even cross his mind he shouldn't have had another baby.. Whatever he thinks he shouldn't share it with you. Tell him you understand his feelings, but you find this every upsetting and it is not good for you in this condition and not good for the baby. Ask him not share it with you.
2. please don't think it is all just because children don't relate to bump. It won't necessarily get better. It's been 3 years, SC don't interact with my toddler at all. They do come, he plays around them, they predominantly ignore him.

I would say lower your expectations on SC relationship with your baby and work on yourself to care less.

Your boyfriend sounds pathetic. Would you not prefer to move back where you’ll have actual support? 500 miles from home with no legal protections and a wet lettuce boyfriend doesn’t sound ideal.

Wrong thread sorry - have asked for it to be deleted.

Hi all,

Just catching up with the thread after the weekend.

Thank you all so much for your advice, support and sharing your experiences.

@BurntToastAgain wow! I'm so sorry that you went through all that. That sounds absolutely horrendous and if my situation was even close to that bad there is no way I would put up with it. Thank you for being so caring to my situation especially with everything you have had to deal with.

Little up date. It felt like we had a bit of a break through this weekend. We were actually able to communicate properly with each other and talk about the situation. It's becoming clear to both of us that his ex is projecting on his daughter and that is where a lot of the problems are stemming from. My OH has actually been really struggling with the impact its having on his and his daughters relationship and he's really hurt. She didn't even hug him this weekend and their relationship has never been like this. He finally opened up to me this weekend and its was heartbreaking to see the person you love so much struggling so much. He's not opened up to me because he's tried to protect me and the pregnancy as to not stressing me out however hasn't realised that him internalising everything was coming out in other ways. Him basically shutting me out. He's been trying to deal with everything himself and be strong for everyone but I need to remember that he needs support too. He not only cares about the relationship with his daughter but he's also worried about the impact on our daughter when she arrives and also wants to protect her. He's trying to do everything right and can't seem to at the moment and has very little control of the huge impact the mum is having. He hasn't done everything right up until now in regards to me and the baby but what I've realised after this weekend that none of it has been intentional. He's always been trying to do the right thing. I've definitely had a bit of an eye opener this weekend and I'm not excusing everything but there is definitely a lot more understanding on both sides meaning we are in a place to tackle this together.

Again thank you all so much! Your support and wise words definitely put me in a strong place this weekend to be able to communicate open and honestly with my partner - I know we still have a way to go and this will only be the start of our challenges but I feel we are in a place to combat them together ❤️

OP please look at his actions not his words.

If his actions are still poor 2 weeks before you due date you must go back to your family.

Also if you earn more than him and/or have a decent pension and he doesn't if you don't live in Scotland do not marry him.