TCC Pregnancy and step parenting support thread

[candlelightsatdawn]

✨ Hi all ✨

Just thought I would start this thread as there's not always a lot of support for SM in TCC or pregnancy and we all know being a SM can add a whole fun element to pregnancy/TCC journeys . Just thought might be nice to have a safe space for us to chat, I maybe the only SM who's prego at the moment so this thread maybe redundant !

My past history 8 losses, one stillborn and one DD and pregnant with DC due early March. This pregnancy has been incredibly bumpy as many of you may know so if anyone want to ask about genetic testing/cvs/anmio and needs a hand hold I'm here !

Come join in share as much or as little as you want. Any vipers that come along will be dealt with with the fury of a pregnant women who hasn't had wine/full nights sleep for a long time.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

@KylieKoKo thank you !! It's been a horrific ride and I feel like I have been pregnant for years lol only few weeks to go ! Lol 😂

Congratulations!!! 😁 not too long now.

Yes not much support for TTC/fertility issues and pregnant SMs these days...

I’ve just had my LG on Boxing Day, after 2 years TTC, horrific medical treatment and a shitty pregnancy to get her, shes amazing, she has 3 big brothers who will be meeting her for the first time tomorrow so that’s super exciting 😁

I have been following your story and glad things are looking better for your pregnancy, don’t let your SD mum ruin it and ofc keep us updated 😁

Ever so sorry about your losses 💙 xx

Pregnant Stepmum right here! 👋🏻

This is my first baby and he’s due in April.

My partner has two sons from his previous marriage aged 12 and 18.

We had a loss earlier this year, sadly, with an ectopic pregnancy that went undiagnosed for days as we didn’t realise I was pregnant. Almost cost me my life so I’ve spent this pregnancy crippled with anxiety.

Hi!

I'm a step mum to a 15 year old SS.
I am 26 weeks pregnant after IVF and 3 years TTC!

@Lorw I have been a bit slow on the uptake - toddler drama how did your visit go ?

Ohhh the newborn squishness I cannot wait ! Although I really must stop getting to ahead of myself ! Thank you for your kind words yer it's been a nightmare to be honest some days the ex is lovely and some days fuck me we have had some odd comments. Trying to just keep the peace at the moment, and avoid Covid which their house has at the moment 😞😞 sigh living in fear

@Harlequin1088 ohhh we are due similar time and our DSC are similar ages !!!

I'm so sorry about your previous loss 💐 ectopics are just awful to experience! I can totally relate to the anxiety it causes post everything it's so hard and not spoken about - really odd ! Have you had support you need at home?

💐

@IVFdreams2021 ohh your within weeks of me congratulations!!

IVF is dammed hard going ! My friend went through it and I'm totally in awe of her strength to go through the process!

How's everyone feeling currently? I feel like a giant whale and I know I haven't even gotten to the whale stage yet 😅😅😭😭 was happily thinking my sickness had gone too but sadly that's come back with vengeance! My DSD says seeing me being so sick has put her off pregnancy which I'm not going to lie at 13 and heading into the boys phase I'm a tiny bit please with !

Pregnant step-mum here! Due early may and it's my first 😀

Also had a Rocky start with an ectopic pregnancy and then a miscarriage this year so also have been a anxiety ridden mess but starting to feel more as ease!

Congrats on all your pregnancies

@candlelightsatdawn Thank you for your kind words. My partner has been wonderful and literally is my rock.

We didn’t tell my stepchildren about the pregnancy loss. They knew I was in hospital and was very poorly but it was sold to them that I had appendicitis (half-true I suppose as I have indeed had appendicitis, however, it was 10 years ago and long before I met their Dad). We decided against telling them as pregnancy loss is difficult enough for adults to wrap their head around and know what to say without a child and a teenager being given that information and not knowing what to do with it. Primarily we didn’t want them to be upset at the thought of their sibling dying and getting embroiled in the emotional fallout from that.

We told them we were pregnant this time when I got to about 17 weeks. They were both excited and happy for us, which was nice. My partner and I have no contact with their mother as she’s just a vile, manipulative human being and all contact time with the kids is arranged via the maternal grandparents. We left it up to the kids to tell their mother we were pregnant or not.

Kids came to us for Christmas and it transpired that their mother had found out about the pregnancy via a mutual acquaintance of my partner’s. Turns out the kids had elected not to tell her because they felt it was none of her business 😂 She’d gone home to the kids, drip feeding them that “Dad and Harlequin are clearly keeping a huge secret from you. Aren’t they awful people? Have you suspected anything? Blah, blah, blah”. In the end, the oldest one cottoned on and said, “Oh you mean the baby? Yeah, we know about that. We’ve known for ages. We just didn’t tell you because it’s not really anything to do with you, is it?”

Ladies, I cannot tell you how much I’d have paid to see the look on that woman’s face 😂 According to the older one, she was bloody furious but the best response she could come up with was, “Haven’t they considered the age gap between you two and the baby??? You’re 18. By the time the baby is 6, you’ll be 24!”

I honestly don’t know what she was hoping to achieve with that comment but clearly the eldest found it hilarious as he was howling with laughter when he recounted this tale to us 😂

For context, I met my partner long after he and his wife split so I wasn’t the other woman or anything. In fact, she ended their marriage because it was interfering with her numerous affairs. My partner was briefly in a relationship with a girl after his marriage and then met me some months after that relationship ended. So, we find his ex-wife’s vitriolic hatred of me somewhat amusing in that it appears to have no rhyme or reason to it.

Anyway, plus side is, baby is doing well. Had a midwifery appointment this week and she listened to him with the Doppler. He was wiggling away with a good strong heartbeat and she said he was very active which apparently is very good as active baby = healthy baby, so I felt really good after that appointment.

@Harlequin1088 In the end, the oldest one cottoned on and said, “Oh you mean the baby? Yeah, we know about that. We’ve known for ages. We just didn’t tell you because it’s not really anything to do with you, is it?”

You know this literally made me smile. Your DSC sound bloody Brillant !!! It always baffles me that people would try to use their kids to act out their personal issues ! However joining MN and SP board I have realised how common this actually!

Do you know what your having or is it a surprise ? I do live in fear that contact will be messed about with when baby is here. I doubt it may do as we have had some odd comments !

@WJK00 welcome to the prego stepmom club ! I'm sorry about your losses and I'm glad the anxiety's easing for you !

How's the pregnancy going ? God you know I get excited for all first timers because your about to meet the loves of your lives and enjoy that first baby smell !

That baby smell is just amazing (I sound mad but honestly crack is less addictive)

@candlelightsatdawn We’re having a little boy. The standing joke is that my partner only seems to produce boys because this will be son number 3 for him lol.

My stepkids are good lads. The younger one can be a bit challenging at times but I think that’s partly down to their mother and grandmother infantilising him a bit. I’ve got firm boundaries in place so he’s learned that taking the piss the way he does at his Mum’s doesn’t fly with me and his Dad and actually by the end of each visit, he’s much more pleasant to be around. I’m quite sure he’ll continue to improve as he gets older as his big brother is a really sensible lad, good head on his shoulders and works hard at college as he wants to go to university.

I actually hadn’t considered contact altering when the baby arrives but now that you mention it, I do wonder if the ex-wife will try to play up a bit where contact is concerned? That said, she’s so friggin’ lazy that I’m sure the thought of spending more time than necessary with her own kids will turn her stomach, so it’ll be interesting to see which way it’ll go actually.

This thread is wonderful and the first one I’ve felt like responding to since joining months ago!

Step mum to 16 & 13 yr olds and our little one is due beginning of March also. It’s a difficult relationship with their mum and she has already started to try and mess around with the schedule around the due date but you can’t control what anyone else does/says, only how much you let it affect you.

I try to involve the children as much as possible, they’ve been to private scans by choice and they are helping choose names. They seem to be excited and I’m making sure they will still have plenty of quality time with their dad before and after the baby arrives.

@Harlequin1088 I'm totally with you ! It's awful thinking which way is this going to go down ! We didn't even think contact would be disrupted until the issues with baby arose and the hospitals requirements ect.

There's also been noise of oh well if she's off on may leave .... sigh luckily we have dodged that bullet.

@2ndtry welcome to the club ! We are all having babies at the same time ! Or at very close together. this is lovely 🥰 hurrah ! Also it seems we all have similar age SC. I was starting to think we were only ones mad enough to be having a baby with teenagers in the house ! Is this your first ?
The board can be a bit tricky but the support threads are usually left well alone. Thankfully.

Ahhh contact I think is gonna be a subject of conversation so your not alone at all !! Seems to be either contact is going to ramp up (as your off so of course now available ) or reduce contact (if you dare to go into labour on that day and can't have the kids then don't bother). It will be interesting to see how each of us have a different variant. I'm hoping it all goes smoothly and nothing changes but you know I think that might be a bit idealistic.
Sounds like your SC are very engaged with baby which is great, mine just says pregnancy doesn't look like fun lol 😂

I'm somewhat lucky, planned c section although the complications with baby and post op will make it all hazardous as recovery timescales are unknown !

This is my first and although the baby seems to be doing really well, we have had our difficulties and are receiving additional care.

The younger is incredibly excited and constantly asks questions about how we’re going to do the nursery etc. The eldest seems less interested but hasn’t really been involved with their younger cousins either.

I think contact is going to be the thing that we have to try and manage. I have been careful to make sure that the baby doesn’t interfere with any contact (attending NCT on my own etc), but having never had any requests to change schedules we are suddenly receiving them

@2ndtry the change in contact times is weird but not unusual having spoken to other mums who had babies in step families, it's like loyalty and place is being tested mostly by the ex's

. I hope it settles down for you because it's actually rather disruptive to the children (but it's not you causing it). Walking that fun tight rope can be a challenge, but I will say this don't let it effect the excitement or get you in a tricky headspace, you/baby have a right to take up space too!
Especially given the circumstances.

I sometimes think that for the less excited they might perk up when babies here, or when babies engage more aka toddlers.

You sound like a fab step mum ! Also just so you know (you may know this already) but word of advice day 4/5 post partum - your hormones drop through the floor. Im not kidding and it can be a really challenging day MH wise. Really make sure your well protected on that day ok, because honestly I remember it last time and my god I was on knees and all women from my NCT were the same. Be really gentle with yourself that day, and hide if necessary! Remember the feeling isn't permanent.

I actually said before we got news re baby and isolating ect on day 4/5 post partum, I am not doing anything that day bar existing. No ferrying around, no extra duties and DH is prepared to take on the slack in whatever form it comes ! Just a tip if you didn't already know. I bloody wish someone had warned me about the "crying " day lol

Oh my gosh, I'm so pleased to see this thread! I am a regular but name changed as I was going to start a new thread on a related topic but then saw this so will put it here instead and hopefully won't attract so much abuse!!

I've just found out I'm pregnant and if all goes well it will be mine and DP's first together after TTC for a few months and 1 early loss. I also have 2 SCs ( SS12 and SD8) who I'd say I have a really good relationship with. Their mum is fine so no drama there as yet.

However, I am so nervous about when the time comes that we have to tell them. I am really worried they will be upset and it will impact my relationship with them.

How did everybody tell the SCs about a new baby? and when?

In my head, the ideal would be that DP tells them himself without me at ours so that they feel more comfortable to react - and also quite honestly so I don't have to see any negative reactions before they've had time to process. But I don't know whether it's better to be a united front and for me to be there for any questions, reassurance etc?

Obviously it's a couple of months away yet but even the thought of it is stressing me. I have a feeling SD will burst into tears immediately and SS will accept it ostensibly but then actually be secretly upset, which he'll only reveal to his mum. It will be completely out of the blue for them as DP & I aren't married (though been together 5+ years) and I am pretty sure further siblings have never been mentioned to them prior to now.

Would it be a good idea for DP to start mentioning little bits and pieces along the way so the idea is at least not a million miles away?

It just feels like a total minefield at the moment. I am not worried about after the baby arrives as I am 99% sure they will be fine and enjoy having a little sibling, and still get plenty of time with their dad, but it's just the thought of them hating and stressing over the news up until then which worries me.

HELP:(

@Glitterygreen firstly congratulations 🎉 and I'm so sorry about your previous losses !!! It's so hard to many people have a wide spectrum of what's right, so I would say chose what's right for you and DH

Now I can only speak for me but we waited until 24 weeks this was due to complications found with baby and various tests we had to have done and not sure if he/she would make it or would be a viable pregnancy. Lucky we with a operation are chances are good but aren't out of the woods.

I didn't want to say anything until 20 weeks and was lucky enough to be able to hide it until later in case something came up at 20 weeks scan. Which it did for me (but it's rare please don't use me as a bench mark im v unlucky)

Most people say something after 12 week or 20 week scan. I would say if your worried about SC reactions do it together because then at least you know and your not presenting a you and baby vs them or getting stressed about DH trying to hide their upset ect (again this is personal preference)

what's the relationship like with kids DM ?

Believe it or not she can help or make the situation 100x worse with the children so plan accordingly!

Also just so you know I had the fear too ! It will be ok in the end even if their reaction isn't great to begin with ! Someone else might chim in with some advice but that's my two pence xxx

Ah thanks @candlelightsatdawn, congrats to you too :) Hope all goes well for you and your baby's op .

Luckily (unless she does a total 180 on learning the news) their mum is totally fine, just a normal person so I think she will just want to help them adjust however she can. She will definitely encourage them to see it as exciting, even if it sticks in her throat privately.

If I could design an ideal scenario, it would be that SCs come for the weekend, we tell them, they are happy (or indifferent, just not devastated!), and then we all tell DP's parents the next day so SCs feel involved and get to share the news. But I think it's too risky to plan for that in case they are upset, as it makes the whole weekend about the baby news then. But equally we'll need to tell DP's parents straight after the kids as they/their will tell them before we get the chance otherwise.

Quite honestly, I'd like to leave it as late as possible to tell SCs so it's not looming over them for months, but we can't really do that as we will need to tell our parents, and MIL would definitely let it slip, at the very least to DP's ex. It wouldn't feel fair for everyone else in the family to know except SCs.

I think if SCs were a bit younger I wouldn't be as concerned by SS at 12 likely isn't expecting any further little siblings, and SD is a bit of an emotional diva as it is so I'd be very surprised if she didn't react negatively at first and use it to try and stay with her mum on DP's weekends etc.

Sorry, mistake in there....meant to say:

We need to tell PIL straight after the children as otherwise they or their mum will beat us to it as they're always in touch.

Congrats on your pregnancy!

Currently TTC, my first, obvs not for DP.

@Glitterygreen if mum or otherwise aren't unreasonable (or nuts) could you tell mum first along the lines of look we are planning to tell the kids tonight just wanted to give you a heads up ? Obviously this takes trust she won't say something before hand or message them to say that ohhh guess what before you can speak to them ?

I will say this can go v wrong, ours did , not that DM told SD, that because of the issues she didn't ever think she would need to tell SD so went a bit mental when the position changed !

I wouldn't speak of pregnancy and fairness - you go down that rabbit hole 🕳 you won't get out of it .

You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to, or who won't respect your boundaries in keeping it a secret. I told my mum sister and funnily enough we told both our ex's that was it until 20 weeks. If it's your first baby you maybe be able to hide it, luckily my DS isn't very observant or picks up on social cues because otherwise she would have noticed me basically living in the toilet due to HG. I thought I had escaped it but no bamb 6 weeks it started with the tiredness !!

Whatever you decide remember you are also a person with a vote, you haven't done this at the children, the baby will be part of their family and your entitled to keep you and baby safe.

@beaverdiego welcome ! how you finding the whole rollercoaster of TTC ? I hope you get your BFP soon.

I'm not gonna lie and say I was pretty relaxed about TTC and hiding all the stuff from the kids was interesting lol 😂

@candlelightsatdawn Yeah I think what would happen is the weekend we plan to tell the kids, DP will text ex prior to pick up and let her know, so then she has the weekend to get her head around it before they go back home.

I don't think she would purposely tell DP's family out of spite or anything like that, but she chats with MIL constantly and even SIL fairly often so whichever one of them finds out first is highly likely to mention it in passing to the others if they're not all told in quick succession.

Tbh I don't even mind telling people....it's just more that I am happy to tell my own family but would rather leave DP's a bit later LOL. Just because there's more drama there with the kids etc. I hate the thought of them all fussing and worrying over SCs, and I can just imagine when MIL and SIL find out the first thing they will think will be "omg wonder how ex feels about this?" Just could do without it, you know?