TCC Pregnancy and step parenting support thread

[candlelightsatdawn]

✨ Hi all ✨

Just thought I would start this thread as there's not always a lot of support for SM in TCC or pregnancy and we all know being a SM can add a whole fun element to pregnancy/TCC journeys . Just thought might be nice to have a safe space for us to chat, I maybe the only SM who's prego at the moment so this thread maybe redundant !

My past history 8 losses, one stillborn and one DD and pregnant with DC due early March. This pregnancy has been incredibly bumpy as many of you may know so if anyone want to ask about genetic testing/cvs/anmio and needs a hand hold I'm here !

Come join in share as much or as little as you want. Any vipers that come along will be dealt with with the fury of a pregnant women who hasn't had wine/full nights sleep for a long time.

@Glitterygreen you know what I will be honest and say people are gonna say dumb things so it's totally ok to leave it a bit later for DP side. You could argue that you don't want to upset the SCs early by telling them now if something goes wrong ect. There will be some drama but it may come in the form you weren't expecting. I was so worried about SD reaction I completely forgot about DM reaction. Also bare in mind they will reach out to their network and get "opinions" on the situation which may in turn flare things. That's ok, in the back of your head try not to take it on as such. It's like ripping a band aid off but strategically lol

The example I had of this is DM is usually quite reasonable but when told she grilled SD for days on new baby and her feelings on it, won't you feel excluded, where will baby sleep ect daft things considering DSD hadn't even considered if she felt excluded (after a week she told us this was dumb because why would we exclude her) or where the baby would sleep (why would she care as long as she's not in with the baby) . In the end SD had to tell her to cut it out and then she asked me to speak to DM to get her to "stop saying dumb things" - me of all people 😵‍💫

People project a lot on to kids and lucky DSD because she's not overtly emotional she defects other people's feelings incredibly well (there is a bad flip side to this which isn't all roses ect).

If you know your SC may take it badly or have feelings on it try to get to the golden trimester before you tell them if you can. You will be better equipped to take on ML, DM and SC reactions. However there isn't a rule book with blended families so don't be pressured either way into doing the "right thing" when with blended families there is no such thing !

Check in : Also how's everyone doing ? To the team TTC how's it going ?

To the expecting ladies - are you prepared for baby ? I for one am absolutely not... 😭😭. Hope you all had a lovely Christmas or at least in our case survived it unscathed !

The example I had of this is DM is usually quite reasonable but when told she grilled SD for days on new baby and her feelings on it, won't you feel excluded, where will baby sleep ect daft things considering DSD hadn't even considered if she felt excluded (after a week she told us this was dumb because why would we exclude her) or where the baby would sleep (why would she care as long as she's not in with the baby).

I do wonder if there might be a bit of this to come from ex here...I don't think she'd do it via the kids but I could see her trying to quiz DP on how it will all work, and also rubbing it in a bit with DP if they ever do express any worries about it.

I hope nobody does make a big deal out of it to them because if SD gets an inkling that anybody feels she has a right not to be totally happy about it I can see her really milking that and trying to get out of coming for DP's weekends (she is very clingy with her mum).

I don't think DP would want to put off telling them for too long after 12 weeks, I think he'd feel bad and he'd also definitely want to share it with his parents. We'll see when it gets closer to the time I guess! We 100% won't tell them before that.

Our approach was different, in that I started showing really early (despite it being my first) and also had a couple of trips to hospital in the early days. DPs family live really close and we’re noticing something was up.

We had my SC for 3 weeks over summer and took them away with wider family. I had to come clean with everyone, as close relatives were beginning to guess. I wanted the children to be one of the first to know, so we told them together. Initially they were fine, however they then went back to their mum’s for the rest of the holidays and they came back with a lot of questions and less sure of the situation. I did suggest to my partner that he might wish to tell their mum before she found out from the children, but from previous behaviour neither of us trusted that she wouldn’t tell them until we had. Even if we told her the same day, I’m sure she would have called or texted the children straight away. My whole reasoning behind telling them early was because I really felt it should come from us and that they should hear before others given that this is their sibling.

Ultimately, telling them early was ok in our situation. The youngest wanted to throw a gender reveal party and pop a balloon, so we did that. I don’t like anything like that usually, but as it was what they wanted we did it and they were overjoyed at the result.

We have also recently moved house as needed more room and I was adamant that I wanted all the children to have their own rooms. If they share whilst with us, and have their own rooms at their mum’s, I know where I’d rather be! We prioritised doing their rooms first, so although the nursery will now be a rush each child has their own room decorated how they wanted and knew that they were all equally important.

Everyone’s situation will be different. I think I’m more worried about how they will react when the reality of having a crying baby in the house hits. I really hope that the baby is considered so cute they can get away with it!

Ah that's interesting 2ndTry - telling everyone together. Wish we could do that!

I don't think we could do that just in case either SC is upset and reacts negatively - I think if DP's parents saw that that they'd really struggle to feel pleased. I'd also feel a bit unfair telling them in front of others because they are the only people with the potential to be worried or upset about the news so I think it's best for us to tell them in private.

Weirdly I am far more worried about telling them than I am about actually how hard it will be when the baby is here. I feel fairly confident they will be totally fine once it arrives and they can be involved, and see their positions are still the same.

Space is an issue for us and we won't be able to move until I'm back from mat leave so will be here for a while. I am hoping things can continue as now mainly, where DP stays with SCs at PIL's on his weekends, and I can go over with the baby to spend time with them. Not ideal but think that might be better than them being cooped up with a crying baby in our small flat every other weekend!

You sound like a really nice stepmum to prioritise doing their rooms first :)

@2ndtry ahhh I can totally see why that approach worked for you. Totally goes to show there's no right way to do things in a blended family !

In terms of baby crying, I think that it's dependant on the SC right, my DD hates loud noises and at 3 isn't great at impulse control but what 3 year old is. A lot of people say that children find babies boring but toddlers are very interesting and engaging because they are always doing silly stuff ! Try not to worry to much, a crying baby can make anyone feel a bit loopy even the kids. Sounds like your a fab SM and the kids are lucky to have you !

@Glitterygreen the first hurdle is the worst right. I was very nervous about telling my SD but frankly she was excited and a little more anxious if I was ok. I was totally shocked I really thought she might be a bit meh or teengery about it. How long have you got until you tell them weeks wise ?
Remember their feelings aren't at you as such, it's just no one likes change but they will come around. I have seen the worst reactions on here turn on a dime !
We have a similar situation actually where we have two houses that will be available when baby is here which hopefully be vacant on arrival so DH will take SD for non baby time just him and her which I think it's Brillant and obviously a massive privilege. Also means I won't have to fret to much about pumping and leaking and all that gross post partum stuff I'm sure my DSD would prefer not to see. Or she might actually... but I'm probably not ready to give her biology lesson just yet !

I think what's it's really important not to lose sight of, is all children are equally important.

You are likely to get a lot of noise about the SDC who were "here first" as if that means they are more important. They need to adapt to baby, no differently to how a full sibling would. This concept that "nothing should change for SDC because they didn't ask for a half sibling" is bollocks. Because my DS didn't ask for his two siblings to be born. It doesn't mean, therefore, DTwins are now second class citizens who have to operate around prodigal DS, lest they alter him being the star of the show at all times.

When a sibling is born, (half or full) the baby will inherently accommodate the needs of existing children and the existing children need to learn to accommodate the needs of the new sibling. It's that simple. No child is more or less important because of it's order of appearance on the timeline.

Congratulations with your pregnancy! X

@Glitterygreen Apologies, I didn’t mean that we told them together with family. We told the children before the holiday so that they were the first to know with only my SILs also in the know (they had guessed and could then support the children also if needed). The holiday was a week after, so they had a week to process with their dad before we then went away and everyone else effectively found out. We hadn’t told the children to keep it a secret as we’ve tried to discourage secrets, so it was a fairly open topic on the holiday.

I was also incredibly nervous, but I was pleasantly surprised by their reaction. It didn’t make me worry less at the time though!

@MollysDolly that's a really good point - it's one message that is bandied around the board that's is incredibly damaging.

I think it's fine for any child to have feelings on a new baby. God knows a lot of my friends did growing up, but it doesn't mean the baby was being done at them and it's the same for blended families !

@2ndtry ahhh that makes more sense I think I read that wrong too actually. At the time I was really stressed but now I look back and go ahh see not that bad !

Hi everyone. I'm really scared to post but I need advice. I don't know if my feelings are appropriate or what to do.
Long story short me and my partner have children from previous and we have recently started trying for one of our own.
In Nov I had a chemical pregnancy and I conceived again which has now ended in Ectopic. I'm in no way expressing my emotions and everyone's none the wiser but every time I see his son I feel this intense pain and grief towards my losses. I think the feelings are jealousy, jealousy that he was able to have his son no problems at all and I'm desperate to have that with him and it's not working out.
Every time his son says "daddy" I have to walk away and cry. Every time he's affectionate with his son it's the same. I can't even look and often find something else to do thinking that could've been our child. I just don't really know what to do anymore 😭😭😭

@candlelightsatdawn yes I see it frequently too.

The DM up in arms because SDC have to change one thing now their sibling has arrived. Well, just like when her second child arrived, her first child had to adapt. Apparently it's ok then. Just not if it's dad's child with someone else.

So, yes, DC1 might currently do swimming 3 times a week. And this might now mean they now do 2 times a week. Just like if the child was a full sibling. It's all about sharing fairly. Not, DC1 is deemed the holy grail and DC2 gets whatever is left. The whole "well DC1 was here first and didn't ask for DC2" is quite disgusting. I'm pretty sure DC2 didn't "ask" for DC1 either, and yet they are expected to take a back seat by the DM, as if that's ever ok for any child. They act horrified that another child should dare to be treated equally. So yes, please ensure any nonsense like that is nipped in the bud from day one.

So excited to find this thread!

I'm currently 25w pregnant with my second pregnancy with my DH. We lost our daughter at 22w in late 2020, so all being well this feisty, kicky madam will be our first.

My two DSDs (16 and 10) live with us full time, and have done for a couple of years. Their mother is out of the picture completely - not allowed contact/visits etc, but very much still in the mind of the 10yo, which makes it a bit trickier.

Girls are super excited about their incoming sister, but unfortunately experienced the loss of our daughter with us so are on edge too (there were very strange circumstances going on at the time, they hadn't left our sides for months and suddenly we disappeared into hospital for a week, all in all, a shit time)!

Main problem we are having is that they are convinced that the baby will be theirs, I am a mere incubator, and they have total control over what she wears, her room, her routines - they have discussed that they weren't happy with my decision to breast feed as it wouldn't give them the hands on experience they want! The 16yo has even decided that she is taking two weeks off work (apprentice) when she is born so my DH 'doesn't have to' and she'll be on band to do the early stages with me 😬

We're pretty sure this frenzied excitement will pass when she arrives and reality hits, and obviously are putting our foot down, but it's a little unnerving...

Aw @Hannabanana2021 that is so hard, I'm so sorry for your losses x

I completely appreciate how you must be feeling around your SS at the moment, I think it's totally natural. It's a very hard thing to see that your husband still has his child to keep him going when you're feeling so much loss.

Could you make other plans sometime when SS is around, go and do something nice for yourself? Hopefully you will feel better with time but at the moment I think you really need to take care of yourself x

@MollysDolly I completely agree, I think it's so odd when people insist SC's routine or life shouldn't have to change even slightly on the arrival of a new sibling, even though in absolutely every other family older children have to adapt to the arrival of a new baby.

My SC have to do loads of things due to the other - eg SD has to stand on the sidelines and watch SS play football, and when he was younger he had to go and watch her do dancing. Don't really see why that would be seen as so terrible if they were half-siblings instead.

@SlipperTripper That sounds super weird, I wouldn't be comfortable with that .

I'd be nipping those thoughts of 2 weeks off from the apprenticeship in the bud before she has the chance to actually book it! The last thing you need will be a 16yo hovering around demanding to give the baby a bottle immediately after giving birth LOL

Hi @candlelightsatdawn

Found this thread that you advised me on ☺️ congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm due April so we aren't far apart! Wishing you all the best!!! ❤️

@Hannabanana2021

Hi everyone. I'm really scared to post but I need advice. I don't know if my feelings are appropriate or what to do. Long story short me and my partner have children from previous and we have recently started trying for one of our own. In Nov I had a chemical pregnancy and I conceived again which has now ended in Ectopic. I'm in no way expressing my emotions and everyone's none the wiser but every time I see his son I feel this intense pain and grief towards my losses. I think the feelings are jealousy, jealousy that he was able to have his son no problems at all and I'm desperate to have that with him and it's not working out. Every time his son says "daddy" I have to walk away and cry. Every time he's affectionate with his son it's the same. I can't even look and often find something else to do thinking that could've been our child. I just don't really know what to do anymore 😭😭😭

@Hannabanana2021 firstly I'm sending a massive squeeze and 💐 you have my utter utter sympathies and I'm so sorry about the loss of your dear baby.

Secondly I'm guarding this post in a serious way because it's a support thread and a safe space for vulnerable humans trying to TTC and pregnant women. I will report any rubbish to MNHQ as soon as anything is posted.

So I was like this when I lost our baby, anger jealousy and sadness. Have you visited the Tommy's baby loss charity website ? They have loads of resources on there, a helpline you can talk to MW if you have any question and also they have a completely private fb group just others in a similar boat to chat.

I spent a lot of my time burning between sadness and burning anger, and jealousy. It took me ages to figure out that these are just some of the faces of grief, ones not spoken about but totally normal and exist.

I'm gonna tell you what I was told, lean into the feelings not away. Don't apologise for your feelings. It's so so so ok and although the grief doesn't get less, it's gets more manageable day by day. Do what you need to do to protect your heart and if that means taking a few steps back from SC to grieve it's ok, it's human.

Hi! I have been building up the courage to post here because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm 17 weeks pregnant after a string of losses and years of "unexplained infertility". This is a really good thread, Candles.

@Hannabanana2021 I'm so sorry for your losses. I wish I had the words to make you feel better. It's such an impossibly hopeless feeling and it can definitely feel compounded by seeing our partners with the children they already have.

It's confusing because watching them parent is one of the things we love about them but it can suddenly become really painful and then we feel guilty and selfish, on top of feeling anguish for our losses.

Some time ago, I decided I only wanted one baby. Every loss still hurts but I tell myself that when I do eventually hold my child, it'll all "make sense". Because they just wouldn't be here if all of the others had been a success.

I'm not sure if that sounds clinical and heartless but it's truthfully helped me through. TTC has not been a happy experience for me.

My last miscarriage, I was almost at the end of my first trimester. I actually thought it would be "the one" and we were going to make it this time. (I'll never let myself think that way again!)

I started cramping and bleeding whilst my step children were at home with us. It was hard to try and be "normal" for them when I just wanted to be alone. Another reason to feel guilty.

I shared this experience on a TTC thread and it ended up being deleted because it turned so nasty. The comment that stuck out was "those poor children are only with their dad 2 days a fortnight and you are making it all about you." 🤢

Anyway, this thread is a good thing. Everyone needs a little support and TTC can be the longest, loneliest journey. ❤️

@SlipperTripper first off I'm so sorry for your the loss of your baby ! It can really effect kids and come out in Uber fun ways which I'm sure I don't need to describe to you ! My DSD wanted to go very much into the detail of what happened post the lost of our DC. Regularly for ages and very soon after. She meant no harm but crackers that was odd. Now I'm pregnant again she's Uber concerned I may die (HG didn't help her view on this seeing me in all states) but it's calmed down a tad.

Main problem we are having is that they are convinced that the baby will be theirs, I am a mere incubator, and they have total control over what she wears, her room, her routines - they have discussed that they weren't happy with my decision to breast feed as it wouldn't give them the hands on experience they want! The 16yo has even decided that she is taking two weeks off work (apprentice) when she is born so my DH 'doesn't have to' and she'll be on band to do the early stages with me

I mean that's kinda cute but I also remember how protective I was of the baby bubble when I had my DD so I'm totally with you how unnerving that can be.

Has your DH been any good at shutting gentle down this conversation. Enthusiasm is great but needs to be contained. Can you give them a special post (keeper of the bottles and chief maker of bottles) or (chief nappy changer etc) obviously I will say that the kids will need some parameters and breastfeeding is the mums choice.

I would be like nooo silly breastfeeding is what's best for baby and also the mums choice, and this is what we are going with. No debate, just turn it into a bit of a joke if grumbling happens (oh you little scamp, nope that's not happening) and encore your partner to set a firmer line with them if they push it. Which they might.

Maybe some rules on ok so this is the routine for baby what do you think, we must stick to it because otherwise baby won't be happy. This is what we do if x happens ect. Chat through some ground rules, aka if baby needs a bath, one adult must be in the room etc

All in all though I suspect that the novelty will wear off fairly soon after babies here (babies love to scream) but allocated roles might help you contain it rather than chief of everything lol 😂

@PeeAche ohhh I was wondering if you would join us !! ❤️❤️

I'm so sorry about the TTC board that place is a bit like aibu board. I never disclosed I was a SM as I had seen ppl being ripped apart on there before for same thing.

Totally relate to I'm waiting for something else to go wrong 😑 I'm not gonna be happy until babies here am I ?
Then that fear just turns into omg I have to keep small human alive omg. Then seems to disappear and reappear when toddlers start to try and actively brain themselves with everything and kitchen sink !

@north2south
Aww glad you came over. I must say how your handling some of the more interesting comments on your thread has left me pretty much in awe ! You got it down !! Did you have a chat with DH in the end ? I realise those chats can be difficult, struggling with the same and you would think I have let of a bomb in the house. Do share if anything works for you well as I am missing a trick !

@PeeAche Welcome :) Keeping everything crossed for you.

So sorry you've been through all that and had some shit on the TTC board as well. People can be so nasty on here.

There's loads I'd actually like advice and ideas on re going forward when it comes to the practicalities of SCs and a new baby, but I can't even be arsed to post some of it because I'll just get slated by randoms, hijacking every thread and making it a wider discussion about how step-parents ruin the lives of their SCs.

It's a shame because it makes this board almost useless for actual advice doesn't it?

@Glitterygreen post it on here. Support threads are deemed boring by the usual trolls that visit this board !!!

It's slightly ridiculous I have had to start this thread so we can avoid the usual deluge but if the thank you card and the sickness post is anything to go by, it's needed.
People seem meaner after Christmas? Maybe that's just me and my hormones 😩

Oh god, those 2 threads are insane. I wish I could say I was surprised by them, but sadly I'm not.

Here goes, I'll add something I'm musing on here 😂 deep breaths.

I am wondering how it would be best to organise SC spending time with their sibling once it's here, as currently they usually go with DP to stay at PIL's for their weekends with him. This is partly due to distance (mum moved far away and PIL live in the middle of us), as well as DP&SS attending local football matches, giving them time with their grandparents and also because we don't have masses of space here.

My initial thought would be it could continue like this after the first few weeks and I could take the baby there for, say, the whole day Saturday, but I'm also worried I'll struggle doing it all myself without DP around on the weekends...but if he is there, that's three kids to manage! Obviously. So I think doing 2 nights alone might be the lesser of 2 evils for me.

Not too stressed yet but defo something that will need to be figured out along the way. Hoping DP's thoughts aren't too far from mine.

('After the first few weeks' meaning they'd come here for those visits and stay with us so they don't feel unwelcome/pushed out)

*I am wondering how it would be best to organise SC spending time with their sibling once it's here, as currently they usually go with DP to stay at PIL's for their weekends with him. This is partly due to distance (mum moved far away and PIL live in the middle of us), as well as DP&SS attending local football matches, giving them time with their grandparents and also because we don't have masses of space here.

My initial thought would be it could continue like this after the first few weeks and I could take the baby there for, say, the whole day Saturday, but I'm also worried I'll struggle doing it all myself without DP around on the weekends...but if he is there, that's three kids to manage! Obviously. So I think doing 2 nights alone might be the lesser of 2 evils for me.*

Well from a MN perspective- this would be the ideal as he's putting DC at forefront but I will say having had a baby (and im no bloody expert) it's hard and sadly completely dependent on the baby you get. You may get a sleeper or you may get a screamer. It won't be anything you have done just some babies are more difficult to handle and you won't know until your there, so my advice would be to plan for both types of babies and agree with DH. You plan will work if baby is "easy" but even then it will be hard. Nights and especially sleep deprivation does something weird to the brain.

My friend had two amazing sleepers and her third omg her third screamed. I would send her for a nap and take the little horror for a walk in the pram (he screamed the entire way every time ) and she would say even when he was gone she could hear him screaming. Her partner was in the army. Have you joined a NTC group, they are invaluable in terms of the first year with baby, army of women who all bloody aren't sleeping who you can text and say, omg I think I may have dropped phone on babies head because I'm so tired. That type of tribe, they have shelf life of course but really saved by bacon.

Have a what happens if I get baby blues (they can really sneak up on you) you can be happiest pregnant person and get hit with that stick hard. Plan for it it.

Who can help if DP keeps to current routine and you just reach boiling point can you call ? Get a list of names, explain the situation as most people who have a baby know what it can be like. Get a back up back up plan in place is what I'm saying and ignore your brain telling you "don't ask for help" bloody ask for help !! Mum guilt is bad enough.

I'm in similar situation and it will work well if everything goes ok and baby is like DD but I hold out little hope. Sod's law and all that. Remind him and yourself that any arrangement will need to flex for you and the baby not just SC.

Re taking baby to see SC a day there seems reasonable actually, if the drive is long, depending on interest you can up and say you can have a sleep over if they like (and if that can be accommodated)

Now I'm sure someone else will come along with some other idea but those are my few tips !