My husband is driving me INSANE with his defensiveness since we had our baby

bloomingheck1 · 19/12/2021 15:50

@MickAndMinnie

I have two DSC, one is 12 the other 10.

Myself and DH had a DD together in 2020.

My husband is really starting to do my head in with his defensiveness over anything to do with DSC. He is on hyper alert for anything that her perceives as "unfair" and, whilst I was understanding at first, it is seriously annoying me now.

At first it was smaller things, or just hinting about me not "doing as much with DSC now", not "caring as much", not "wanting to spend time with them as much" (erm hello, I had a new baby I was fucking knackered?!) And things like that. If I took DD out with my family somewhere fun it would be "oh but DSC would have liked to go" even if they weren't with us that day and so on...

We've just argued again this morning because it's getting absolutely stupid. The thing now is Christmas presents. Last year DD was only tiny so obviously didn't really bother, this year people have bothered with presents as she's a bit more aware of toys and things. We haven't got her many but my family have got quite a few bits. They've been dropping these off the last couple of days so they are here for Christmas. Every time he's been asking "is there anything for DSC?!" (These are presents from my family, some of whom have never even met DSC or only once or twice). There typically has been things for DSC but things like selection boxes, or a stocking filler type gift although my parents have got them some nice things as they see them a lot more / actually know them.

Cue this morning he's been going on saying he NEEDS to go back out and get DSC more "stuff" because it looks like DD has more. All in all she probably has about 3 more presents but due to age they are bigger presents (plastic toys and such tend to be bigger than presents for a 12 year old).

Its driving me mad, we have spent so much money on DSC. They have a main present each (small looking but pricey, new phone and a computer) which cost us about £500 each and then small stocking bits too each coming up to about another £100 each. We have spent more on DSC than we and our families have combined on DD which is perfectly fine, they are older and their presents are more expensive.

But he's now rushing around trying to "match" the present piles with tat that will never get used because it looks "unfair".

I am so fed up with this ridiculousness and said as such this morning.

My DSC are lovely children and I know are well mature enough to understand that their presents are expensive and although smaller in appearance, cost much more than anything DD will get. I have no doubt in my mind they will be happy and grateful for what they receive on Christmas morning. It's just their Dad.

I am so tired of it. Is this what it's going to be like year on year now? A fucking present competition between a nearly teenager and a 1 year old child. And really, as DD gets older so what if my family get her more presents than DSC who they don't know. I think it's totally unreasonable to expect them to do anything else personally and DSC, not being 5 years old and all, are old enough to understand and probably not even care!

It's not like DD will be getting things they'll want, I'm pretty sure DSC don't want a plastic barbie house and things like that.

Ugh I just needed to rant. He's being so stupid and paranoid and it ruins every occasion recently.

Is DSC mum in the picture because if so surely they will be getting presents from her and her family which in turn will make it more "fair" ?

bloomingheck1 · 19/12/2021 15:51

Sorry I didn't mean to quote your op

Original poster

MickAndMinnie · 19/12/2021 15:51

Is DSC mum in the picture because if so surely they will be getting presents from her and her family which in turn will make it more "fair" ?

Yes! And they get absolutely mountains from her and her family every year!

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Original poster

MickAndMinnie · 19/12/2021 15:52

I could honestly understand if they were very close in age. But they aren't. They are not going to be interested or jealous in anything a 1 year old child gets for goodness sake.

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Original poster

MickAndMinnie · 19/12/2021 15:54

Honestly if you actually tallied it up (not that anyone should be) over our house, their mum's house and both DHs and her families, they will get about triple what DD gets. Which I am absolutely not arsed about and wouldn't even enter my head if he wasn't being so ridiculous now.

It's just so pathetic.

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Pixiedust1234 · 19/12/2021 15:58

Its not about the amount of presents its to do with value. Set a limit and don't go over that. A phone is never going to look enough compared to other items. If he really insists on quantity make sure your child has a thousand pound cheque from him as one of her gifts
Why should your family buy his kids anything, especially if they don't know them? I assume they don't live with you. Where is his side of the family, where are their mothers side? They are the ones who should be stepping up.

I'm sorry but it sounds like your relationship is never going to get better unless he seeks counselling for guilt. Dont hang around until your child feels worthless and never good enough for daddy...just by being born.

TokyoSushi · 19/12/2021 15:58

But surely the presents at your house are only half of DSC's presents (the other half being at their mums, who maybe has family who buy for them too) whereas these are ALL of your DD's presents as she only lives at one house?

Original poster

MickAndMinnie · 19/12/2021 15:58

And it's sad because if he actually stopped with all this he'd realise how good things actually are with us all.

I could not have asked for better older siblings for DD, they are in love with her and she them. It's so nice to see and he ruins it with this stupid competitiveness.

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Original poster

MickAndMinnie · 19/12/2021 15:59

@TokyoSushi

But surely the presents at your house are only half of DSC's presents (the other half being at their mums, who maybe has family who buy for them too) whereas these are ALL of your DD's presents as she only lives at one house?

Well precisely! Right now she doesn't care, she's only small still but I'm not doing this as she gets older and starts to understand more. I'm not doing all this "you can't open this until later because it's unfair you got one more present than your sibling" shit.

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MickAndMinnie · 19/12/2021 16:01

And it actually makes the situation worse because I then become defensive of DD because I feel like all he's arsed about is DSC and that will only get worse as she gets older and begins to realise. So then it becomes a my child, your child thing which it doesn't need to be.

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AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 19/12/2021 16:01

If your husband wants all his children to have an even amount of presents at his house and he’s the one who is sorting that, I’d let him get on with it.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have one child with you all the time but have other children who live elsewhere. I think I’d feel over sensitive to it too.

UserBot · 19/12/2021 16:03

God help you, my mother is the most defensive person I know and it's not easy. I don't know how you cope with it in a partner.

Maybe you've slipped in to a pattern where you have to prove to him that you're being ''fair''. And he is the judge of that.

They SAY that to ask questions is the way to break through the defensiveness but honestly, I tried it with my mother and she called me abusive.

Shift the responsibility back on to him. If he is being hypervigilant and accusing you of something, be firm that you feel 100% comfortable with your actions and your words and that if he doesn't feel he's been fair that's for him to process and make necessary adjustments to time/energy/money/love spent.

I have given up trying to communicate with my mother though. It makes her angry. She just wants to be a martyr. ONE perspective. Hers. I'm at fault.

RJnomore1 · 19/12/2021 16:04

He needs to relax I think. It sounds like he’s worrying about being seen to favour one family over another (though you sound well blended !) while this is what actually happens in real life with siblings, especially when there’s an age gap - smaller children have bigger but cheaper piles.

I don’t know how you get him to do it though... in a way it’s nice...it shows he takes being a dad seriously but it’s not needed at all.

RandomMess · 19/12/2021 16:05

We always opened gifts from Santa and Mum/Dad on Christmas Day plus anyone we saw on the day itself. The rest were opened Boxing Day which then makes it crystal clear that they are from DDs family rather than anyone else and they aren't being snubbed.

Each child should have a similar budget from you both your H is being a Disney Dad and it's so unhealthy on everyone!

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 19/12/2021 16:06

@MickAndMinnie

And it's sad because if he actually stopped with all this he'd realise how good things actually are with us all.

I could not have asked for better older siblings for DD, they are in love with her and she them. It's so nice to see and he ruins it with this stupid competitiveness.

Have you actually said this too him?

Have you actually pointed out their their mums family don't buy DD presents?

He's being an utter idiot, I'd have a serious conversation once about it, combining all you've said here & telling him that you are NOT going to be hearing about it anymore, ever or it will be a relationship breaker.

Honestly, is he generally as thick as mince or just being a twat over this? I couldn't be doing with someone so thick.

ImmutableSexQueen · 19/12/2021 16:08

We've had this before. If I had the energy I'd link to the other thread.

Onlinedilema · 19/12/2021 16:09

I agree honk is key him get on with his present buying, but when he moans about your family not buying his children as much I would have to say something. If course they don't treat them the same, they are not their family. Disturbing think of this before having children to with different women?
Mention to him how much this he dscs get from their mother and all that side of the family. Your dd won't get that.

Original poster

MickAndMinnie · 19/12/2021 16:10

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

If your husband wants all his children to have an even amount of presents at his house and he’s the one who is sorting that, I’d let him get on with it. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have one child with you all the time but have other children who live elsewhere. I think I’d feel over sensitive to it too.

It's not just him sorting it though, this is joint money that he's now going out and spending even more of when we've spent nearly 1.5k already on the DSC for the sake of a few extra bits of plastic that DD is getting from my family.

It's insane and stupid and I can't see how on earth it will get better as she gets older and starts to understand more.

And it's not just the money, is the accusations at me and now hinting them about my family not getting DSC as much and so on...

I could take it if they were all small children.

But they are nearly teenagers, one will be in 2 months time. I would bet my mortgage that they really don't give a shit about any of DDs presents.

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Onlinedilema · 19/12/2021 16:11

Sorry for all the typos!

tribpot · 19/12/2021 16:11

Having been that older child visiting the 'new family', I can understand his intention, even if his execution is piss poor. He seems to be putting the onus on you and your family, when it's his job to make sure his children don't feel slighted. Asking your family if they've brought anything for his children is just weird and impolite.

Hinting that you're not doing enough with his children - isn't he meant to spend time with them? Not that I'm suggesting it'd be okay if you were flat out ignoring them (nor suggesting you are) but he's the parent. I suspect that you've been picking up his slack for him and now you aren't doing quite so much of it.

Learning how to blend families is complicated and your own family may not have much experience in it. He seems to be really struggling with getting it right as well. I would say 'at least he's trying' (even if he's basically trying your nerves right now) but after Xmas is over I think you do need to have a chat about how his fussing is making you feel, his unreasonable expectations on your family and what you can do to make sure all three children can enjoy Christmas together. I'd suggest that, rather than tat, he should be looking out for smaller gifts for his kids throughout the year, things that shows he really knows them and thinks about them. And to be clear, I do mean he should do that, not delegate it to you.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 19/12/2021 16:11

Fuck that.

My DC are 13/11/6 - of course the 6YOs pile is massive, her toys come in huge boxes (that’s a separate rant!) and they cost a lot fucking less.

candlelightsatdawn · 19/12/2021 16:11

It's not competitiveness it's dad guilt OP.

Things that trigger it usually is birth of a child not part of first family and 2nd marriage.

It happens every single time around these events. And Christmas makes things just worse.

Now because this board tends to be haunted by the first wives club, you will get a bit of bashing, cries of "think of the children" and "you clearly hate your SC" and "SC bounce between 2 homes so must be so fundamentally broken you absolutely must give them more of everything to compensate". Just ignore these comments people have issues and will project on to anyone.

Thing is SC exist because the first family broke down and that wasn't your fault so you have nothing to compensate for. You need to speak to him about this because it will do your head in. Equality and equity are not the same thing because you cannot treat all children equally due to age and need. He needs to accept this or your life will be hard.

You do need a chat with DH, and say look I'm sorry your feeling guilty but financially we have spent Zyx on SC that equals X and DD has had Y spent on them, the kids are smart and lovely kids so get the concept of money and the present pile size doesn't reflect the balance of what was spent. Tell him your being unfair to your joint DD by making them a second class citizen.

However I will say im no expert on this topic, but it's a common struggle in Blended families (mine also) so someone will hopefully come along with better advice than mine.

Oh there's a podcast on step parenting which some lovely person maybe able to link (as I can't find it) which was really helpful !

Good luck op you have my sympathies 💐

Original poster

MickAndMinnie · 19/12/2021 16:12

As PP said, I just thought it was fairly standard in most families that older children = more expensive but smaller presents and younger children = bigger but cheaper.

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RJnomore1 · 19/12/2021 16:13

It is absolutely standard!

SeasonFinale · 19/12/2021 16:14

Why don't you say to him that the monetary value that DSC had had spent is greater and you need to put the difference in a savings account for DD "to be fair"