My husband is driving me INSANE with his defensiveness since we had our baby

[MickAndMinnie]

I have two DSC, one is 12 the other 10.

Myself and DH had a DD together in 2020.

My husband is really starting to do my head in with his defensiveness over anything to do with DSC. He is on hyper alert for anything that her perceives as "unfair" and, whilst I was understanding at first, it is seriously annoying me now.

At first it was smaller things, or just hinting about me not "doing as much with DSC now", not "caring as much", not "wanting to spend time with them as much" (erm hello, I had a new baby I was fucking knackered?!) And things like that. If I took DD out with my family somewhere fun it would be "oh but DSC would have liked to go" even if they weren't with us that day and so on...

We've just argued again this morning because it's getting absolutely stupid. The thing now is Christmas presents. Last year DD was only tiny so obviously didn't really bother, this year people have bothered with presents as she's a bit more aware of toys and things. We haven't got her many but my family have got quite a few bits. They've been dropping these off the last couple of days so they are here for Christmas. Every time he's been asking "is there anything for DSC?!" (These are presents from my family, some of whom have never even met DSC or only once or twice). There typically has been things for DSC but things like selection boxes, or a stocking filler type gift although my parents have got them some nice things as they see them a lot more / actually know them.

Cue this morning he's been going on saying he NEEDS to go back out and get DSC more "stuff" because it looks like DD has more. All in all she probably has about 3 more presents but due to age they are bigger presents (plastic toys and such tend to be bigger than presents for a 12 year old).

Its driving me mad, we have spent so much money on DSC. They have a main present each (small looking but pricey, new phone and a computer) which cost us about £500 each and then small stocking bits too each coming up to about another £100 each. We have spent more on DSC than we and our families have combined on DD which is perfectly fine, they are older and their presents are more expensive.

But he's now rushing around trying to "match" the present piles with tat that will never get used because it looks "unfair".

I am so fed up with this ridiculousness and said as such this morning.

My DSC are lovely children and I know are well mature enough to understand that their presents are expensive and although smaller in appearance, cost much more than anything DD will get. I have no doubt in my mind they will be happy and grateful for what they receive on Christmas morning. It's just their Dad.

I am so tired of it. Is this what it's going to be like year on year now? A fucking present competition between a nearly teenager and a 1 year old child. And really, as DD gets older so what if my family get her more presents than DSC who they don't know. I think it's totally unreasonable to expect them to do anything else personally and DSC, not being 5 years old and all, are old enough to understand and probably not even care!

It's not like DD will be getting things they'll want, I'm pretty sure DSC don't want a plastic barbie house and things like that.

Ugh I just needed to rant. He's being so stupid and paranoid and it ruins every occasion recently.

Yes, kids get more expensive as they get older so his daughters are going to be really expensive just as your DD starts secondary.

An intention to spend equal amounts on them at all periods throughout their childhoods is silly I think.

When my dc were small I spent as little as possible but now they are draining my account! (one is at university).

I think it's lovely what you said to him that you couldn't wish for better step daughters.

What is he really afraid of? That there won't be enough money!? That there will be fights about money?!

It's sad that he's ruining a good situation.

@SeasonFinale

Why don't you say to him that the monetary value that DSC had had spent is greater and you need to put the difference in a savings account for DD "to be fair"

Because I really don't want to be like this. I am absolutely okay with the fact that DSCs presents cost more by nature of what they are and them being older kids. I have no intention of insisting DD gets £600 spent on her, that would be silly.

But maybe ill suggest it so he gets the point!

I would have to ignore dumb brained people, who have this mindset about how many presents, and how much money is spent,on various childrens presents.it's so stupid and immature to be thinking like this.

People create more problems for themsleves, and have more stress, with this way of thinking.

Have you posted before about him a few months ago? If not, someone else posted of a very similar situation where her partner had pretty much tainted her first year with baby with his constant comparison/competition of their baby and their step children.

If it is you, it's worth bearing in mind whatever the season, Christmas or not he is completely spoiling your experiences. The older children are more than old enough to understand a bigger pile of baby stuff doesn't mean more value than a smaller pile of high value items. Then again, it sounds like he is the problem, not your step children.

@MickAndMinnie

As PP said, I just thought it was fairly standard in most families that older children = more expensive but smaller presents and younger children = bigger but cheaper.

Bloody standard.

The cost of a mobile is eye watering and it's not like per square meter you get a nice giant box for it either.

Your not going mad OP. Your really not

I know this sounds really, really petty but hear me out. Over Christmas I would be writing a secret list of all the presents received by each child from yourselves and family members. Including those given to your dsc from their mum's side of the family as best you can.

When the dsc are not with you, tell your dh that you want to talk about his concerns over fairness with the children. I would simply produce the list and ask him to show you where any unfairness lies. He needs to see it in black and white. His guilt over not living with all his dc is driving this and if not confronted, will continue to drive the relationship.

@candlelightsatdawn

It's not competitiveness it's dad guilt OP.

Things that trigger it usually is birth of a child not part of first family and 2nd marriage.

It happens every single time around these events. And Christmas makes things just worse.

Now because this board tends to be haunted by the first wives club, you will get a bit of bashing, cries of "think of the children" and "you clearly hate your SC" and "SC bounce between 2 homes so must be so fundamentally broken you absolutely must give them more of everything to compensate". Just ignore these comments people have issues and will project on to anyone.

Thing is SC exist because the first family broke down and that wasn't your fault so you have nothing to compensate for. You need to speak to him about this because it will do your head in. Equality and equity are not the same thing because you cannot treat all children equally due to age and need. He needs to accept this or your life will be hard.

You do need a chat with DH, and say look I'm sorry your feeling guilty but financially we have spent Zyx on SC that equals X and DD has had Y spent on them, the kids are smart and lovely kids so get the concept of money and the present pile size doesn't reflect the balance of what was spent. Tell him your being unfair to your joint DD by making them a second class citizen.

However I will say im no expert on this topic, but it's a common struggle in Blended families (mine also) so someone will hopefully come along with better advice than mine.

Oh there's a podcast on step parenting which some lovely person maybe able to link (as I can't find it) which was really helpful !

Good luck op you have my sympathies 💐

Bumping this, as my first thought was also 'he's struggling with guilt'.

He has a new, beloved child who is the centre of his and your universe, and it's probably brought home to him that he is not living with his other children and it's Christmas, that he and their mum have separated which has been hard for them, that he feels very bad about how that has affected them and that he now has another child with another woman and he doesn't want them to feel displaced or replaced - my father still struggles with all this at Christmas and New Year, he misses what was as much as he is happy with and loves what is now, and it's been several decades.

Yes, he can't throw money at it, and he needs to think it through and address what's underneath it: which is largely to tell his kids how he feels and how much they all matter to him.

I agree that he's being ridiculous and silly and of course you can't compare present piles for tweens and a baby. I would say, though, that it seems like an easy win here would be to just slightly separate out family presents and presents from you - as children presents from our parents were around the fire place in the morning and we opened them first thing, and presents from everyone else were under the tree and opened after lunch. Doing something like that would maybe help - though I do understand that it wouldn't address the underlying issue, which is his attitude.

I've always spent different amounts on my own kids with 12 year age gap! A new mobile looks small yet expensive - the younger child gets shit loads for a tenth of the cost.

YANBU.

I agree the root of this is his guilt.

Yanbu. The kids will definitely know that y their phone costs more than plastic toy in a big box and if asked, would want the little present.

It's not up to your family to provide for dsc. Does his family buy for dsc? Do they open when they visit relatives or are the gifts sent to mum's house?

If he's super paranoid, you could have your child open some gifts after the dsc go back to mum's but he's being ridiculous. I bet that the priciest dsc gift will be far pricier than the most expensive dc gift.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

If your husband wants all his children to have an even amount of presents at his house and he’s the one who is sorting that, I’d let him get on with it. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have one child with you all the time but have other children who live elsewhere. I think I’d feel over sensitive to it too.

He chose this though.

He needs to get i over himself and seek counselling to address his guilt.

Otherwise, he’s going to drive wedges between everyone and drive you way.

What does he say when you point out that your SC get a load of extra presents from their Mum’s side of the family?

It's not just him sorting it though, this is joint money that he's now going out and spending even more of when we've spent nearly 1.5k already on the DSC for the sake of a few extra bits of plastic that DD is getting from my family.

This really is a crazy amount to be spending. £750 per child (and then what their mother is spending too) is an enormous amount of money.

I agree with the PP who suggested making a list (do a spreadsheet! 🤣) and show him how much money he is spending. And then claiming that his children are poor disadvantaged waifs.

Throwing money at it is not the answer. He could throw his money at a therapist much more usefully instead. That would actually benefit your family.

Because it will never be ‘enough’. ‘Fair’ to someone suffering with divorced dad guilt is not something they’re able to perceive accurately in any way. Just like the way that men will decide that women took over and ‘dominated’ a meeting if they manage to get to 30% of the talking (collectively), a man suffering with divorced dad guilt seems to see the resident child getting pretty much anything at all as unfair and decides that his nonresident children must be missing out. It doesn’t matter if 80% of the money went to them; the 20% seems to him like an unreasonable amount for the resident child.

There’s no way to fix this kind of thinking with stuff. It is something that either he can address in counselling. Or he’ll probably find himself with two failed marriages because this problem of guilty NRP thinking really does eat away at and ultimately destroy relationships.

Who wants to bet that when the dd is older and works out that sc get bunch of gifts at their mum's house that dad conveniently minimises this ? 😈

The sad thing is what he’s doing is trying to fix something with material things. And it will harm the children in the long run.

This would drive me absolutely insane. I think you need to be really blunt with him and just tell him he is going to drive a wedge that wouldn't otherwise be there with his nagging. It's enough to ruin any nice relationship between step parent and child.

Ask him when the gifts for your DD are arriving from his ex wife's family. Because that makes as much sense as your family buying gifts for your DSC when they don't know them.

You need to make it very clear that if he doesn't get a handle on his guilt, he will break apart this blended family too.

He’s being ridiculous. It would drive me mad, as it does you.

We’re in nearby exactly the same situation with numbers and ages of children and I’d have lost my shit if DH was behaving like this. It’s not inevitable.

He needs to know how serious you think it is and how you’re worrying about the future of “fairness” and that if he doesn’t immediately knock it on the head there will be problems.

His dad guilt issues shouldn’t be a problem for you or DD.

I couldn't deal with this. I'd have to tell him to sort himself out otherwise DD is going to end up having two homes too. It's unsustainable and completely unfair on DD

We used to have this issue and it was awful. last year my DH told me he wasn't spending much on joint DD because I buy presents for her too I lost my head (I had spent the same on DSS and DD). He didn't seem to appreciate that DSS's mum would also buy him gifts and that is exactly the same just that I would have to finance DD's gifts so he could spend more on DSS. It felt like 1 parent buying for DD and 4 (including step parents) for DSS.

This year we discussed a budget that he would spend on both children because they are both his children. When wrapping we agreed that DSS needed a little extra to bump the pile up and that's fine, it was not about being a Disney dad but to ensure it was magical for everyone and piles were of a similar size for aesthetic comparison

You need to have a serious chat with him about this OP. Maybe using a list of items as pp suggested?

I think it's harsh to say the DSC aren't family and that it's justifiable for OPs family to only buy presents for DD (or far more). It needs to be equitable and it's just part of what you sign up for whether you like it or not. That and difficulties for dads to see some of their children so much less than new ones. Until you've been divorced with children, you can't understand it, sorry.

I don’t think the OP considers the DSC not to be family?

And where do you draw the line with buying presents? If the OP’s relatives are expected to buy presents for OP’s step children, then should the OP’s DH’s ex buy presents for OP’s baby?