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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I'm struggling

57 replies

a647gjf · 12/12/2021 13:19

I live with my partner and my two sons from a previous relationship and his daughters from a previous relationship stay with us every weekend. And as the title suggests, I'm finding myself at breaking point. I love his girls dearly and I hate myself for admitting this out loud but I've grown to resent them recently. They're 8 and 12 and I can't stand how they treat my boys and boss them around. They're often spiteful and nasty to them, as kids are but the fierce mother bear in me can't stand it. I'd love to have that fierce kind of love for them that I do my own children which would perhaps make me look past a lot of the things they do but it just isn't there :( I also can't stand how they speak to me, especially the eldest, which is where a lot of the resentment has come from. I've spoken to their dad about it and he's talked to them about it and nothings changed. Granted, the oldest is 12 so I know she's at the age where hormones are flying all over so I try and be a little more lenient in view of that. The 8 year old however is very spoilt and so used to getting her own way with everything. She's really difficult. She tries to control everything my boys do. She tells them off. And what irks me more than anything is they both try and tell me how to parent, which is ridiculous. I've spoken to their dad about it who says they're just kids and it's just who they are but I can't help but find it so incredibly rude and disrespectful. They just don't respect my boundaries at all. For example, this morning, my son was at the table and his spilt his juice over the table. Accidents happen, no bother. However the 12 year old said 'are you not even gonna tell him off for that'. Explained why I didn't but I'm tired of having to justify my actions and my parenting choices TO CHILDREN. That's just an example, but it's so much worse than that. I'll be honest, I'm contemplating leaving. I'm sick of being undermined in my own house and feeling disrespected by everybody. I don't want my boys to grow up to disrespect me either. Any advice?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

sunshinelover69 · 12/12/2021 14:32

I think you need your husband to get behind you rather than just excusing their behaviour. This would drive me completely up the wall. If I were you I would tell him how it's making you feel and that you need him to deal with his kids. If he refuses then you need to consider your position. Imagine what the girls will be like as teens if this isn't nipped in the bud now? (I say this as mum to a teenage girl).

sassbott · 12/12/2021 14:42

Question Op.

How old are your children? Have you spoken to them 121 to Understand how they feel about these dynamics?

Tattler2 · 12/12/2021 14:53

OP, you are in a good position to move your children into a living environment that you control. I am assuming that you are not married to your partner, and thus you need not continue to live in a home environment that you find to be unsatisfactory for you and your children.

You say that this situation has been discussed between you and your partner and nothing has changed. However, it is totally within your control to effect a change. If he cannot or chooses not to modify his daughters behavior, what is stopping you from changing the place where you and your children live. You can blame him for not making a change, but if a change is required you are equally responsible for not making the changes that is within your control.
At the end of the day, you have no responsibility for how or where he chooses to rear his children, but you have full responsibility for how and where you choose to rear your children.

The solution to your unpleasant living situation is totally within your control. You need not end your relationship with this man, but you do not have to subject your children to any aspects of his life involving his children.

Original poster

a647gjf · 12/12/2021 14:53

@sassbott they're only 2 and 3, so they're a bit young to understand

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 12/12/2021 15:00

Your poor boys. Growing up around all of this toxicity and resentment is going to impact them greatly. Move out and give them a loving, peaceful home. There's no shame is admitting you no longer want anything to do with being a stepparent, especially with a partner who does fuck all to find solutions and parent his own children.

SnowWhitesSM · 12/12/2021 15:07

Move out OP. Best thing I ever done was resign from being a step parent. Peace and no resentment. Your boys deserve a happy home and you deserve to parent them without justifying it. Imagine wiping up a spilled juice and just cracking on with your day without the resentment of justifying it. Its in your reach - your dc are young enough to not be impacted long term by the moving out. Do it.

Allsorts1 · 12/12/2021 15:08

Your poor little boys, I would hate this too. YANBU to resent this. I struggle to see how things will improve though as I imagine even with your DP on board, his daughters will still be bratty.

sassbott · 12/12/2021 16:18

So you essential have much younger children. 10/9 years difference for the 12 year old. 5/6 yeas for the 8 year old.

Both the children (even the 8 year old) will know about how younger children should be treated. All schools teach the older children how to look after LO’s (point one).

Point two, at 2 and 3 your children are completely defenseless against these older children. And given the age differences, will remain so for years to come.

Point three. This is every weekend.

Point four. Unless your partner can tackle this robustly and immediately. This will not get better, it will get worse.

In your shoes. I would sit my partner down and firmly explain what needs to happen and now. These are your children, you have the responsibility to protect them. Don’t allow anyone to minimise what is happening to your children, they are being bullied in their own home, every weekend. That’s horrible.

To be clear, my children were older than my exp’s children. There were issues with his children (emotional and behavioural issues). Not once, not ever did my children ever react or say / do anything. They knew that it was a non negotiable to be mean/ bully younger children and that I would never tolerate it.

Do not allow your children to remain exposed to this behaviour. It’s not fair.

sassbott · 12/12/2021 16:22

As an aside, if I was your partner and one of my children spoke this way about the juice spillage. There and then I would immediately interject, tell my children firmly that it was not their place to talk to another adult in that way and if they could not be helpful (getting up to get a cloth to help clear up), they needed to stay silent and mind their business.

Older children can do this (push boundaries), my eldest will sometimes do this with me re my youngest, I will immediately tell my eldest to wind their neck in and not overstep / try to become the adult.

The issue is the lack of support from your partner. Does he see any of the things you see him?

Wizzbangfizz · 12/12/2021 16:39

Echo what other posters have said, put yourself and your boys first as it is unlikely to get better - in fact it will probably get worse.

Also I assume your sons have had a lot of change to deal with, as they are very young and you are living with a new partner.

Nowomenaroundeh · 12/12/2021 16:45

Hi OP,

I have had similar and I understand how maddening it is. If you're going to stay what you need to do immediately is stop justifying or explaining anything.

Next time your actions are queried respond "why are you telling me how to parent? You're not a parent or an adult. Stop it please". Or if they give out to your boys "you're not a parent, you're a child, stop doing that."

Do it every time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2021 17:01

Is your partner present when his daughters are being so insolent?

If he is present and does not step in immediately to reprimand them - you have a DP problem.

If he is not present because he fucks off to work / golf / whatever leaving you alone to be his unpaid childminder - you have a DP problem.

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.

I think a good start would be to refuse to be around his daughters without him being present. They are in your house to have contact with their father, not you - so that means he has to be there to have that contact. And not just in the house, in the room and conversing with them. No long lies for him - if the girls get up early so does he. No fucking off, he prioritises his contact with them over any other commitments he may have (save any commitment to YOU). And he actively parents them, not just letting them get away with being two little madams.

If he can't manage that - and he sounds like a Disney Dad to me - then I'd cut your losses - this is a man who will always let you down. Life's too short to waste it on such a poor excuse for a human.

Ozanj · 12/12/2021 17:06

Girls that age can want to ‘mother’ young children and that usually means bossing them around. It’s natural to an extent. But you need to keep reminding them that they are not adults, they’re children, and so can’t tell off or parent your kids. But that goes two ways - you can’t expect them to keep an eye on them when you can’t. If you want to nip this in the bud they shouldn’t be doing anything remotely responsible for them until you can trust them.

Original poster

a647gjf · 12/12/2021 17:09

Thank you for all of your replies. And thank you for confirming that I'm not insane.

Can I ask for you opinions about a situation that happened last weekend..?

The 8 year old got my two sons a babybell from the fridge and my 3 year old likes being independent and enjoys opening them himself. I heard him ask her (politely) if he could open his all by himself and she said no, so I said let him open it please and you can open the 2 year olds and she ignored me. So intervened and said please give it him, he likes to do it himself, she ignored me again and hid them behind her back. So I took it off her and gave it my 3 year old. My DP then confronted me about that situation, in front of all the kids, and said I was in the wrong for doing that. Apparently because she was getting the snack for them, she was in charge of that situation and I should be teaching my kids to respect their elders. I don't know, I could be in the wrong but it just doesn't sit right with me. What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

a647gjf · 12/12/2021 17:11

I should add, she got them the snack without asking me, another issue we've had of late. Really irritates me especially when it's near meal times etc. Told them about it, but they don't listen.

OP posts:

sunshinelover69 · 12/12/2021 17:11

@a647gjf

Thank you for all of your replies. And thank you for confirming that I'm not insane.

Can I ask for you opinions about a situation that happened last weekend..?

You were absolutely not in the wrong and your husband's logic is so far fucked up I cannot even compute. So your young kids have to respect their elders (ie his kids) but his kids don't need to respect anyone or even understand who the parent is? Insane.

Original poster

a647gjf · 12/12/2021 17:14

@sunshinelover69 thank you thank you thank you. I've been driving mystic stir crazy about this all week to the point where I've almost convinced myself I am actually in the wrong. It was like he fed me to a pack of wolves, I was completely defenceless in that situation as they were all adamant I was in the wrong.

OP posts:

sunshinelover69 · 12/12/2021 17:17

Honestly OP it sounds like he's done a right number on you. He's gaslighting you so that you don't know what to believe any more.

sassbott · 12/12/2021 17:26

@a647gjf that’s not remotely ok. And it proves that you do in fact have a DP problem. He is empowering his DD’s to have this position over your children. He is then reiterating to the whole ‘family’ unit what the pecking order is (I.e that the older children can absolutely have this role in relation to the younger children).

He is giving them superiority over the much younger children. It makes me shudder when you tell me he used the phrase ‘respect your elders.’
To be crystal clear, older children are not ‘elders.’ They are still children themselves.

If I had been your partner in that situation. I would have firmly told the child to hand the snacks across pronto then taken them for a 121 chat.

Those children are not the adults. They do not get to make these sorts of decisions (including snacks). Your children categorically do not need to respect these children as ‘elders’ (unless a parent gives specific permission and says to all the children x is in charge).

All the children need to respect one another. The older children need to be taught how to respect the needs/ wants of much younger children.

Dotell · 12/12/2021 17:27

A 12 year old cannot ' in charge' of your children and over rule you decisions. Get the fuck out of there fast.

sassbott · 12/12/2021 17:28

And yes you are being gaslit.

It works for your partner that his children have this power. It’s very common that NRP’s attempt to place NR children on a pedestal over and above resident children. Respecting elders is his way of putting his children on a pedestal over yours. It’s really messed up. I feel upset for you as he’s messing with your mind. His children and him are asserting their dominance over you and yours.

Not ok.

Anoooshka · 12/12/2021 17:34

Are you living in his house, or are you equal partners?

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2021 17:43

@a647gjf

Thank you for all of your replies. And thank you for confirming that I'm not insane.

Can I ask for you opinions about a situation that happened last weekend..?

Geez

. So much wrong with his behaviour. I can but second everything that @sassbott has already said.

He is the worst kind of Disney Dad, letting his daughters do as they please so that they'll 'love' him most. And so, being rewarded (with his approval) for bad behaviour, they are taught that bad behaviour is how they are to behave and you end up with two entitled spoilt little madams. He is doing these girls a complete disservice in the long run.

But you can't do anything about this. What you can do is remove your children from this toxic set-up before it affects them. Sorry, but your DP needs to become your Ex.

huuskymam · 12/12/2021 17:44

There is no respect your elders between children, that's ridiculous. It's his kids he should be telling to show respect. He is putting his children above you and your children, I'd tell him if he didn't sort it out, I'd be gone.

RandomMess · 12/12/2021 17:44

Go back to living separately.

You may or may not continue with the relationship but it's not a healthy dynamic when his DC are there so step away from the situation.

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