I'm struggling

[a647gjf]

I live with my partner and my two sons from a previous relationship and his daughters from a previous relationship stay with us every weekend. And as the title suggests, I'm finding myself at breaking point. I love his girls dearly and I hate myself for admitting this out loud but I've grown to resent them recently. They're 8 and 12 and I can't stand how they treat my boys and boss them around. They're often spiteful and nasty to them, as kids are but the fierce mother bear in me can't stand it. I'd love to have that fierce kind of love for them that I do my own children which would perhaps make me look past a lot of the things they do but it just isn't there :( I also can't stand how they speak to me, especially the eldest, which is where a lot of the resentment has come from. I've spoken to their dad about it and he's talked to them about it and nothings changed. Granted, the oldest is 12 so I know she's at the age where hormones are flying all over so I try and be a little more lenient in view of that. The 8 year old however is very spoilt and so used to getting her own way with everything. She's really difficult. She tries to control everything my boys do. She tells them off. And what irks me more than anything is they both try and tell me how to parent, which is ridiculous. I've spoken to their dad about it who says they're just kids and it's just who they are but I can't help but find it so incredibly rude and disrespectful. They just don't respect my boundaries at all. For example, this morning, my son was at the table and his spilt his juice over the table. Accidents happen, no bother. However the 12 year old said 'are you not even gonna tell him off for that'. Explained why I didn't but I'm tired of having to justify my actions and my parenting choices TO CHILDREN. That's just an example, but it's so much worse than that. I'll be honest, I'm contemplating leaving. I'm sick of being undermined in my own house and feeling disrespected by everybody. I don't want my boys to grow up to disrespect me either. Any advice?

This is a relatively new relative if your child from a previous relationship is 2.
Hopefully you can move out and live separately? Hopefully also you work and are not financially dependent? And most hopefully of all, you are not pregnant.

Relationship- not relative.

@a647gjf

I live with my partner and my two sons from a previous relationship and his daughters from a previous relationship stay with us every weekend. And as the title suggests, I'm finding myself at breaking point. I love his girls dearly and I hate myself for admitting this out loud but I've grown to resent them recently. They're 8 and 12 and I can't stand how they treat my boys and boss them around. They're often spiteful and nasty to them, as kids are but the fierce mother bear in me can't stand it. I'd love to have that fierce kind of love for them that I do my own children which would perhaps make me look past a lot of the things they do but it just isn't there :( I also can't stand how they speak to me, especially the eldest, which is where a lot of the resentment has come from. I've spoken to their dad about it and he's talked to them about it and nothings changed. Granted, the oldest is 12 so I know she's at the age where hormones are flying all over so I try and be a little more lenient in view of that. The 8 year old however is very spoilt and so used to getting her own way with everything. She's really difficult. She tries to control everything my boys do. She tells them off. And what irks me more than anything is they both try and tell me how to parent, which is ridiculous. I've spoken to their dad about it who says they're just kids and it's just who they are but I can't help but find it so incredibly rude and disrespectful. They just don't respect my boundaries at all. For example, this morning, my son was at the table and his spilt his juice over the table. Accidents happen, no bother. However the 12 year old said 'are you not even gonna tell him off for that'. Explained why I didn't but I'm tired of having to justify my actions and my parenting choices TO CHILDREN. That's just an example, but it's so much worse than that. I'll be honest, I'm contemplating leaving. I'm sick of being undermined in my own house and feeling disrespected by everybody. I don't want my boys to grow up to disrespect me either. Any advice?

Wow, relatable. Regarding the comment from SS I would honestly ignore it, your parenting choices are nothing to do with him. My recent thread about SD being too bossy with young DD had some good advice given, would recommend looking at that.

Have to agree with @GrazingSheep on this one

OP, are you at all uncertain as to whether you are uncomfortable in this situation? They may have varying opinions as to whether you are right or wrong, but only you can determine whether you are uncomfortable in this arrangement.

You need only live in arrangements and environments in which you are comfortable and think best for your children. As you describe this environment it does not meet neither the feeling comfortable nor the what you think best for your children standard.

At this point , it seems that you are maybe looking for reasons to stay. Does it matter if he is right or wrong in his view? Your own feelings are telling you that it is the wrong solution for you.

Start telling them off. They clearly have no respect for you. If your OH doesn't like it, then maybe he'll step up to the plate and discipline them himself. If not, you have a choice to make.

@a647gjf

Thank you for all of your replies. And thank you for confirming that I'm not insane.

Can I ask for you opinions about a situation that happened last weekend..?

The 8 year old got my two sons a babybell from the fridge and my 3 year old likes being independent and enjoys opening them himself. I heard him ask her (politely) if he could open his all by himself and she said no, so I said let him open it please and you can open the 2 year olds and she ignored me. So intervened and said please give it him, he likes to do it himself, she ignored me again and hid them behind her back. So I took it off her and gave it my 3 year old. My DP then confronted me about that situation, in front of all the kids, and said I was in the wrong for doing that. Apparently because she was getting the snack for them, she was in charge of that situation and I should be teaching my kids to respect their elders. I don't know, I could be in the wrong but it just doesn't sit right with me. What do you think?

I'm late to the party, but I have to add (as a stepmother) that your OP's attitude is completely wrong.

When you are looking after someone else's children, you need to know that they will respect your authority and do what you tell them. It is a safeguarding issue - Safeguarding 101 actually.

You were the adult in the room here, in loco parentis, parenting his child as well as your own (where was he, BTW?). As the adult in the room, you make the decisions and the children respect them.

You need to point out to him that, by scolding you in front of the children, he has given the 8-year-old carte blanche to ignore anything you ask or tell her her to do; and that, as a consequence, you are no longer prepared or able to watch her when he is not around, as he has made it clear you have no authority over her. So, from now on, he needs to watch her and cannot rely on you to fly solo in this respect.

@a647gjf

Thank you for all of your replies. And thank you for confirming that I'm not insane.

Can I ask for you opinions about a situation that happened last weekend..?

The 8 year old got my two sons a babybell from the fridge and my 3 year old likes being independent and enjoys opening them himself. I heard him ask her (politely) if he could open his all by himself and she said no, so I said let him open it please and you can open the 2 year olds and she ignored me. So intervened and said please give it him, he likes to do it himself, she ignored me again and hid them behind her back. So I took it off her and gave it my 3 year old. My DP then confronted me about that situation, in front of all the kids, and said I was in the wrong for doing that. Apparently because she was getting the snack for them, she was in charge of that situation and I should be teaching my kids to respect their elders. I don't know, I could be in the wrong but it just doesn't sit right with me. What do you think?

I would have excused yourself and your DP and quietly told him to fuck off. He will regret encouraging them to be such entities little madams when they are teens. Are you really prepared for putting up with this getting far worse? I'd question if it was a good idea.

Tbh I am the poster girl for making threads and then not leaving. It took me a year to leave my ex and the shitty step parenting dynamic he created. I don't even know how many threads I've made under various usernames on this board and relationships. I finally left! I still keep doubting myself and feeling like I was being unreasonable in what I wasn't prepared to put up with.

You probably won't leave him now. You'll cuddle in bed and have a nice week and then the contact time will happen and you'll swallow more of yourself, and again, and then you might post again and be given the same advice. You will drive yourself crazy trying to understand why your P won't be a reasonable and decent partner with you when it comes to his dc. Your brain will try to work out what you've done wrong in a desperate bid to find a solution to the problem and you'll blame it on communication.

It's not communication. For relationships to work the two people in the relationship have to be on the same page and respect each other. When there's a problem the relationship culture cannot be one of defense. You have to be able to feel that when something has upset you, your partner has your back 100%.

Just keep posting on here when you need too. Eventually you'll leave and kick yourself for not doing it sooner.

Things have moved very quickly if your youngest is only two and you're already living with your DP. Blended families are hard anyway and this has moved at super speed. Four kids to suddenly mesh together is a lot! And it doesn't sound like it is working. Time for a re-evaluation. Maybe you don't need to split up but I think living together right now isn't working for anyone.

@Receptionclass me and my boys' dad split with the youngest was 2 days old. My now partner has been on the scene since he was around 6 months old. 4 months ago we all moved together into a bigger house together to accommodate us all. But you're right, I think a reevaluation is needed.

It is
Sooner rather than later for the sake of all 4 of the children

So these girls watch their Dad be Dad to two kids every day every week while they are only there for the weekend every other week.

How do you think that might make them feel?

Parents of small children always view older kids as brutes, and in truth it is often harder to see their charms.

Your poor DH, only sees his kids once every two weeks and has you on his case.

The girls are your kids step sisters, facilitate that in all it’s sibling tooth, claw and love. Could you encourage their big sister role? Big up their role, give them some (safe) responsibility.

@EdgeOfTheSky I'm sorry, but what actual planet are you on?!

🙄

@sunshinelover69

But her partner is being resident parent everyday to OPs children no wonder his are

@EdgeOfTheSky when children are rude, nasty and spiteful to younger children regardless of their living situation they need to be dealt with firmly.

Otherwise they will go through life bullying others, and then likely end up in difficult situations when they bully someone who has a legally protected characteristic outside the home environment.

[quote christmaskittenincoming]@sunshinelover69

But her partner is being resident parent everyday to OPs children no wonder his are [/quote]
Being a stepchild does not excuse brattish and spoilt behaviour. The kids need boundaries. I speak as a stepmum myself.

I’ll say this as a mum. I couldn’t give a rats arse as to whether his children (or any other children) are resident or non resident. Neither situation should enable any child to behave this way.
Nor is it justification for a parent to not adequately parent their own child. These older children may have emotional issues but those are for their parents to resolve. Giving them this level of power over another adult/ younger children is piss poor parenting.

They are young children having to deal with a parents separation then 'forced' to live with their father, 2 exceptionally young children and another woman.

Lot to deal with for anyone...

So? I’m not saying it isn’t a lot to deal with.

But telling this ‘family’ that the younger children (and the adult) need to respect the elders? Wtaf? That’s not the answer. All it’s teaching these children is when you have complex / uncomfortable emotions, power and bullying is the answer. Especially towards those more vulnerable.

In terms of these children being ‘forced’. Well that is the OP’s partners issue. He made the choice to move in with his partner. Doesn’t absolve him of parenting his children and working with them to resolve their emotional issues.

Do your children see their dad OP? Do the girls get any time alone with their dad? I'm not judging you but things have still moved still moved exceptionally fast, even with the time frames you I've given.

A new step mum and two young boys is a lot for the girls to deal with in such a short space of time.

I moved quickly too into a blended family situation and years later have regrets now about how quickly things moved. I had a baby with DP so I couldn't back pedal when I realised we had moved too fast. You don't have a baby (yet) with DP so you can back pedal.

Bloody hell, LTB! Run like the wind take your poor boys with you and leave your P to his very weird and toxic set up with his DC.

He’s basically transferred the wife role to his eldest DD, so what she says goes and everyone else has to fall into line. It’s going to really mess those girls up and will be hideous when they become older.

Leave whilst you still have your sanity.

@EdgeOfTheSky

So these girls watch their Dad be Dad to two kids every day every week while they are only there for the weekend every other week.

How do you think that might make them feel?

Parents of small children always view older kids as brutes, and in truth it is often harder to see their charms.

Your poor DH, only sees his kids once every two weeks and has you on his case.

The girls are your kids step sisters, facilitate that in all it’s sibling tooth, claw and love. Could you encourage their big sister role? Big up their role, give them some (safe) responsibility.

In terms of these children being ‘forced’. Well that is the OP’s partners issue. He made the choice to move in with his partner. Doesn’t absolve him of parenting his children and working with them to resolve their emotional issues.

And what the OP didn't have a choice to sit back and think maybe me and my very young children shouldn't move in with this man and his older children. It's the OP on here complaining not her partner... yet again 2 adults putting their own needs above 4 children