Reasonable timeline new partner

[Nedclarity]

After divorce and with children aged between 7-11, what is a reasonable timeline to:

1. Introduce new partner to children
2. Have new partner move in

[quote NowEvenBetter]@aSofaNearYou it should be though. I wouldn’t have a kid for all the money in the world, but prioritising cock makes a person a terrible parent. 😂[/quote]
It says more about you than anybody else that you distill all the possible things that could make a person want or need to live with their partner into "prioritising cock". We are talking about meaningful romantic relationships, marriages, further children, not "cock". And what's more, there are other things to be considered to do with where and with whom you choose to live, such as finances.

You are missing a key distinction I am trying to make. You said the only thing to consider is whether it benefits the children, not the most important thing to consider is whether it harms the children. "It should be though" is absolutely not the appropriate response to the suggestion that parents should only ever make core life decisions based on whether it benefits their child. Certainly they should prioritise whether it harms their child, but that isn't the same thing. What you're saying isn't a healthy way to live at all, and it's interesting that you'd think it is seemingly without even having kids yourself.

Depends on kids of factors like how many kids each person has, how long since divorce, age of the kids etc

Ime the older the kids are, the easier it is to keep children and partner separate. I'm a single parent of teens and they wouldn't blink an eyelid if I went out to see a partner as long as I wasn't breaking plans with them. They wouldn't be bothered that I had a partner. However when it came to moving in etc, things would be far more complicated now than when they were younger. They are as friendly to my friends and people I date as I am with their friends. They don't benefit from me having a partner but there's no downside either as everything is separate. If someone moved in then there are downsides to that for them so I wouldn't move someone in until they'd left home and have kept to that. In my case my ex immediately moved in with someone and this ruined his relationship with them which also puts me off ever having someone else live here. He's gone from a super involved dad to only seeing them when his gf goes to visit her parents.

Despite my experience I'm not saying it can't work as I know households where it does but they have circumstances that make it more likely to succeed in the first place.

@Skeumorph

You think it's rare that it is a positive thing?

I was a lone parent since my son was born with no involvement from his father. I have a job I love, we were fine financially and I owned a house - I was and still am self-sufficient, I did not need a man in that way. But I was lonely, had little support for my son, found weekends a struggle with just us two, had little adult company, was very difficult to have a social life. As soon as my son learnt what a "boyfriend" was he was asking me if I was going to get one.

I met someone great and we are now living together and are very happy. Its been nothing but positive for me and my son, and my partner and his children - who were also keen for him to find someone since their mum moved on.

The idea that I should have spent 18 years, from my twenties through my thirties, alone is mad to me. Why?! Why would I teach my son that I am only here purely for him? Why should I teach him that women are only there for their children, and those children's fathers only? I don't think children should think that if a marriage breaks down, you then have to be alone for years. That is a terrible thing to teach children. Women are not virgin/ mothers. We are whole, complicated, human beings with our own inner lives and needs.

My Grandma was a single mum, and didn't get involved with anyone until my dad had left home...but she also hid my dad's existence because of the shame. I thought we had progressed a bit since the sixties!

Sorry, I will try to give OP actual advice:

It always depends as people have said. You want to wait until the relationship is secure, but not so long that it will become harder for kids to get used to it.

If you are buying a place together make sure you have everything legally and financially sorted if it doesn't work out. Use deeds of trusts and cohabitation agreements. Make sure it's affordable for one of you if things don't work out. Sort out who would buy out the other. Sort out who will pay for what and put it in an agreement. Spend a few K on a lawyer doing this, it is worth it.

The ex may not be be over the moon, but in my opinion it would be very difficult to move in without their basic support/ being ok with it.

Likewise the kids need to be happy about it. Get a new place, they should have their own space, they shouldn't be downgrading for you to move in. They should be excited about the whole thing.

Discuss parenting responsibilities and roles. Some people share everything, others have clearly defined roles. Both can work, but you need to work this out and do what is best for you.

@aSofaNearYou no need to bother co scantly replying to my original post, you are wrong, and I couldn’t care less about your replies 😊
I’m sure you could think, if you tried hard, why I have opinions on people putting their sex life before the kid they chose to produce.

The idea that I should have spent 18 years, from my twenties through my thirties, alone is mad to me. Why?! Why would I teach my son that I am only here purely for him? Why should I teach him that women are only there for their children, and those children's fathers only? I don't think children should think that if a marriage breaks down, you then have to be alone for years. That is a terrible thing to teach children. Women are not virgin/ mothers. We are whole, complicated, human beings with our own inner lives and needs.

This is a really important thing to me. Of course we should all want our children to have a good childhood, but I think a lot of people go too far with the "kids come first, there should be no end to the sacrifices parents should make to make childhood absolutely perfect for them" approach. In real life, I've seen that translate to people resignimg themselves to pretty miserable lives but focusing everything they have on making sure everything is absolutely perfect for their kids. There's a sense that they should have a magical 20 years, and then after that it's their turn to not matter at all.

But my daughter will be an adult for much longer than she will be a child. I would much rather she grow up with a healthy sense that everyone is important, not only children, rather than grow up with a rigid, toxic feeling that she must sacrifice herself. Even if that comes with some emotional challenges whilst young, it's the healthier option for me.

[quote NowEvenBetter]@aSofaNearYou no need to bother co scantly replying to my original post, you are wrong, and I couldn’t care less about your replies 😊
I’m sure you could think, if you tried hard, why I have opinions on people putting their sex life before the kid they chose to produce.[/quote]
Fantastic, I don't care about your replies either. Hard to care about anything so blatantly, embarrassingly biased, yet so unduly overconfident and rude.

I think this thread shows just how a there isn't a "correct" or standard timeline of how to do things.

People try assign a moral superiority by staying single until they die/kids leave home/ turn 40 if that's their choice, but you don't get a award and there isn't any moral superiority you get from that choice.

You can try but in RL most people would roll their eyes at you.
Putting your child at centre of your world forgoing any type of life is not doing the child any favours, as you are teaching them as a mum/dad there is no identity for you outside this role and just because they are the centre of your world, unfortunately they will learn they aren't the centre of the world and in adulthood this will be painful lesson.

We aren't in the 1950s this isn't a scandalous thing anymore, divorce and remarriage happens and you can be unhappy with it but it is what it is.

Moving in with a new partner is not just to get your leg over though, is it.

Absolutely not !!

You are a MOTHER !!

Therefore you should not EVER consider another relationship... ALL partners are potential paedophiles or evil stepfathers ... you must remain celibate until your children have children.. at the earliest ..

If you are potential second wife then you are simply an evil stepmother and shouldn't even ever speak to your dsc in anything but reverential terms ...and ABSOLUTELY NOT MARRY !!!

@pollygartertidywife

Absolutely not !!

You are a MOTHER !!

Therefore you should not EVER consider another relationship... ALL partners are potential paedophiles or evil stepfathers ... you must remain celibate until your children have children.. at the earliest ..

If you are potential second wife then you are simply an evil stepmother and shouldn't even ever speak to your dsc in anything but reverential terms ...and ABSOLUTELY NOT MARRY !!!

😂😂😂😂😂 this made me crack up because genuinely heard variations of this on this board and aibu !

@pollygartertidywife

Absolutely not !!

You are a MOTHER !!

Therefore you should not EVER consider another relationship... ALL partners are potential paedophiles or evil stepfathers ... you must remain celibate until your children have children.. at the earliest ..

If you are potential second wife then you are simply an evil stepmother and shouldn't even ever speak to your dsc in anything but reverential terms ...and ABSOLUTELY NOT MARRY !!!

Omg I really thought this was serious at first!! LOL

@candlelightsatdawn

I think this thread shows just how a there isn't a "correct" or standard timeline of how to do things.

People try assign a moral superiority by staying single until they die/kids leave home/ turn 40 if that's their choice, but you don't get a award and there isn't any moral superiority you get from that choice.

You can try but in RL most people would roll their eyes at you.
Putting your child at centre of your world forgoing any type of life is not doing the child any favours, as you are teaching them as a mum/dad there is no identity for you outside this role and just because they are the centre of your world, unfortunately they will learn they aren't the centre of the world and in adulthood this will be painful lesson.

We aren't in the 1950s this isn't a scandalous thing anymore, divorce and remarriage happens and you can be unhappy with it but it is what it is.

Agree, and I also think that people have admiration for those with young children who sacrifice romance and even friendships to be there 100% with their kids, but as soon as the kids are teens and don't need you as much, everyone else turns on you as well and starts telling you you need to get a life etc.

There is a fine line between prioritising your children - which you can do with or without a partner - and martyring yourself to the point where your children start feeling they need to be around for you because you have nothing else.

I am absolutely not saying that this is the case for every parent without a partner by any means, it 100% isn't, but it can be the case for some who believe that nobody should ever re-partner until their kids are adults.