Reasonable timeline new partner

[Nedclarity]

After divorce and with children aged between 7-11, what is a reasonable timeline to:

1. Introduce new partner to children
2. Have new partner move in

No I don't think you should change your mind but you won't even explain why you think dating is the same as a relationship. You come on this board, berate everyone who's moved on and suggest dating. Then flounce.

I said it’s up to the couple in question do decide if they are in a relationship whilst dating. It’s not something for others to rule on. My post is there for you to read back if you’re misremembering it. Flouncing? where have I flounced? I said we’ll have to agree to disagree, which we will, obviously. I’m still here. Do you have a problem with me personally?

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

No I don't think you should change your mind but you won't even explain why you think dating is the same as a relationship. You come on this board, berate everyone who's moved on and suggest dating. Then flounce.

I said it’s up to the couple in question do decide if they are in a relationship whilst dating. It’s not something for others to rule on. My post is there for you to read back if you’re misremembering it. Flouncing? where have I flounced? I said we’ll have to agree to disagree, which we will, obviously. I’m still here. Do you have a problem with me personally?

Oh forget it. You're obviously dead against people moving on for some personal reason and clearly can't rationalise why anyone else would do it.

I don't have a problem with you personally no, I don't know you, but do I think your posts are ever helpful? No. I think they're mainly mean and to cause upset.

Oh forget it.

Well yes, that was the idea when I said we’ll have to agree to disagree. But you couldn’t do that.

It’s clear you can’t agree to disagree with me so I suggest if you don’t like my posts then you just ignore them in future.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
Why is it necessary to try and personally determine the level of helpful of someone's response. Opinions vary on most subjects both on and off of MN. That is just the expected outcome and experience in a world composed of people from diverse backgrounds, diverse daily experiences, diverse outlooks, diverse resources, diverse gender and cultural expectations, etc.

Why is anyone on this board electively assuming the role of the arbiter determined of what is useful, helpful, or thought provoking for either the OP or other posters. If a response is the honest representation of another opinion and or experience on a subject , what other test/standard is required for them to post? Disagreement
and different outlooks are not forms of criticism, bullying, blaming, or shaming. .There is no designated requirements for percentages of agreement vs disagreement , or requirements that submitting posters subscribe to any certain belief.

One of the absolute values of written missives is that the reader can choose to read or avoid responses that they do not think to be helpful. In your case, ad the user name of the submitting poster is the header on any response, it would not be difficult for you to never have to read a response by a given responder.

You can absolutely determine what is helpful to you. What you have absolutely no way of knowing is what is or is not helpful to other readers. Perhaps you could be wise enough to simply discard that which is not useful, helpful ,or even just thought provoking for you and yet be humble enough to recognize that the response might be useful, helpful ,or even just thought provoking for others.

People ,even at their lowest points, do not lose the ability to think and sort information. The fact that they are seeking information and input gives testament to their ability to think and sort.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry I think you maybe be getting me confused with @Getyourarseofffthequattro 😩 but to help you out I haven't flounced but I just ask you to explain one of your comments and you didn't, so I left it as I realised we won't agree and you won't clarify your point so it's like talking to a wall 🤷🏼‍♀️

This thread reminds me of child birth, some people think they get some type of award or medal for doing the without pain medication and brag about it and some just do what feels right for all parties in the moment and that may include pain relief. Neither is wrong or right, it's just what's right for the person or people involved.

You don't get a medal whichever option you chose and whenever this is pointed out, the people think they deserve award as they sacrificed the most get all different shades of huffy when one doesn't appear.

I think you maybe be getting me confused with @Getyourarseofffthequattro 😩 but to help you out I haven't flounced but I just ask you to explain one of your comments and you didn't, so I left it as I realised we won't agree and you won't clarify your point so it's like talking to a wall

I havent accused anyone of flouncing Getyourarseoffthequattro accused me of flouncing.

The last post I made to you was suggesting you re read my post so that you would see I hadn’t said what you claimed I did. You didn’t respond.

If you wait until your children are 18 or 21 or 25, you are not guaranteed a trouble free ride.

Adult children will have had years and years of considering the family home their personal possession. When a new partner finally comes on the scene, they had better come loaded, and even then that might not be sufficient!

We have encountered a variety of strange expectations. From the DSC that simply expected the house would be left to them alone, to the DSCs who expected it to be sold and divvied up between all the kids once Dad moved in with a new partner. (It was assumed Dad would keep on working to pay for a 2nd house and later life care for himself.....)

A whole world of surreal awaits.

Then many apologises .. it's been a long day.

That's right. We're not a family unless a man is here. Nothing else counts. So if I have one with a man, it must mean we didn't have one without.I wonder what happened for you to be in this mindset. I'm presuming you are a first wife/partner and your ex has moved on and that's so unpalatable to you, you are angered at anyone else that does the same. Maybe not. It's how it comes across.It doesn't make you a better mother than anyone else because you are claiming it's better for the children

Hmm…I have frequented this board for years. There have been plenty of times step parents have referred to the dsc getting to experience a proper family life when with them as opposed to….what in their mother’s home? Why is it OK to suggest living with one parent only isn’t a proper family?

I am single by choice some 15 years post divorce. The way my marriage ended took a lot of getting over, it was nearly 5 years before I could contemplate the idea of dating. I raised my standards and frankly, with a couple of notable exceptions (which for a whole host of reasons didn’t work out), there are few men out there that meet them.

But added to that, crucially, is the fact my ex very quickly moves in with frankly unsuitable women, at least two of which I would say have been abusive towards our children. It was clear to me very quickly that our home needed to be a safe haven and I have never been convinced it could remain that way with another man and his children in the same space. Putting my children first, recognising that their father was never going to do that is, in my opinion, good parenting.

Now, add into the mix and a good divorce settlement, an OK paying job, a huge inheritance and mortgage free house I am aware that re-marriage compromises that for both me and my children.

I have an excellent social life, I enjoy several hobbies, eat out regularly with friends, sing in a choir, have people who will help out when the chips are down. I have rebuilt in every way possible other than to have a long-term, live in partner. I am entirely independent and enjoy that. Sure, it would be fab to have a partner to share that with but if it never happens, I’m not going to cry about it. The key to happiness is not enshrined in a relationship. It is insulting to suggest otherwise.

@candlelightsatdawn

Then many apologises .. it's been a long day.

No worries.

@SpaceshiptoMars
You are so right about age of children not guaranteeing a free ride, in fact, are there any circumstances or situations in life in which any guarantees are given? In most situations, there are just timing ,circumstances , and sometimes just plain luck that tend to produce more favorable or desired outcomes.

I don't know of any relationships that come with guarantees , some however do come with more predictable problems or complications.

Sadly, none come with guarantees and absolutely certain outcomes.

None of these responses about where or not you should move a new partner in really cover the nuance of different peoples situations. There is no absolute right or wrong, it’s simply different preferences.

FWIW as someone who has been a lone parent since the first trimester, I find it sad how many people seem to think I would ever be wrong to live with a new partner.

I would wait at least a year before introducing a man to my kids, and I would never move another man in unless each and every child was old enough to happily agree to it.

It depends on the individual circumstance really, my son met my now husband after six months, my son hadn’t experienced a break up with parents etc, so I didn’t feel the need to wait longer, plus I needed to see how they were together to see if the relationship could be viable long term.

@SpaceshiptoMars I know some people who were introduced to their SC after a month.

Reason was the SC wanted their parent who they decided had been single a long time in their eyes to have a girlfriend/boyfriend.

Children are all different. Some want their parent to have a partner as they feel less burdened by them having someone to keep them company.

Oh and the parent in each case were dating someone they knew a while before they started dating. The children didn't know about their parent's other failed dates or brief relationships even though their partner did....

@RedWingBoots

Children are all different. Some want their parent to have a partner as they feel less burdened by them having someone to keep them company.

I wish that had occurred to DH's eldest[laugh] Money and inheritance are the big issues generally though if you take on adult DSCs. Anticipation of senility and all that!

@Wizzbangfizz

Personally my view would be go meet when it feels right - moving in never, I wouldn't want my children to live with anyone not directly related to them but that is my personal view.

This, sorry.

At least when they are under 18.

I think it is such a massively different way to grow up - to live with another adult that isn't related to you and who you have no part in choosing. I think it's rare that it's overall a positive thing.

And they grow up fast.

@aSofaNearYou
Of course it is. If someone chooses to have a kid, then their sex life is no longer the priority.

[quote NowEvenBetter]@aSofaNearYou
Of course it is. If someone chooses to have a kid, then their sex life is no longer the priority.[/quote]
😂 I'm not going to bother arguing with you tbh because you're clearly "one of those". But no, there is absolutely no "of course" about whether something benefitting (rather than just not harming) the kids is the ONLY thing worth considering. That's just what people with absolutely no nuance of thought say.

Not everything a parent does is to benefit the child. Obviously they should endeavour not to affect them negatively, but it's absolute poppycock that whether something BENEFITS a child is the ONLY thing a parent should consider.

Agree that it depends on so many factors.

Re introducing a new partner, I'd say the main considerations are:

• How long ago was the original split?
• How long has the couple been seeing each other?
• What else is going on in the child's life which may impact how they receive the new partner?

Re moving in, I'd say my main considerations would be:

• What's the relationship like between partner and kids?
• How old are the kids?
• Is the home big enough for everyone to still have some space?

I think most parents know their children well enough to know when is a good time to do these things, or whether for their particular child there may never be a good time.

Wait at least a year after separating from dc dad to let dc know you’re dating. Give them time to heal. Date the new man for at least 6 months before introducing him. I’ve seen how a series of new DP flitting in and out of DC’s lives can really mess them up.

From experience, if you can possibly afford it, allow more resources per member of the new household than you would if you were planning for a nuclear family. A childless step-mum/step-dad needs their own office/sewing room/gym (just the one room!). Teenage children could well use their own sitting room - or 2 rooms if you are blending more than one set of siblings.

@aSofaNearYou it should be though. I wouldn’t have a kid for all the money in the world, but prioritising cock makes a person a terrible parent. 😂

Moving in together, depends on circumstances.

Firstly will the dc's home be secure, by that I mean is there an affordable exit strategy, if living together doesn't work.

Have you known the person for more than 2 years and have you ironed out any issues successful. Parenting, space and finances cause major issues for blended families.