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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Reasonable timeline new partner

113 replies

Nedclarity · 10/12/2021 23:18

After divorce and with children aged between 7-11, what is a reasonable timeline to:

  1. Introduce new partner to children
  2. Have new partner move in
OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 11/12/2021 19:05

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

No I mean if the child is a visitor rather than a resident in the home. You said he visited.
You're reading a bit much into my language there. I said visiting to describe the fact that he comes EOW, but I doubt he would view himself as a visitor.
MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 19:07

I wouldn’t have referred to that as visiting tbh.

aSofaNearYou · 11/12/2021 19:22

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

I wouldn’t have referred to that as visiting tbh.
Good for you!
MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 19:26

Just explaining where the confusion came from. It was a confusing term to use about someone who isn’t a visitor.

aSofaNearYou · 11/12/2021 19:32

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

Just explaining where the confusion came from. It was a confusing term to use about someone who isn’t a visitor.
If you're prone to reading a lot into the word about someone's place in the family, yes. Otherwise, it's a pretty accurate way of describing someone who travels to come over every other weekend.
Lovemusic33 · 11/12/2021 19:38

Personally I wouldn’t have a partner move in at all (I did try it once, it ended badly), my dc are now teens, I’ve been single 6 years, I can’t imagine moving someone else in now, not until dc leave anyway.

Introducing a new partner to your dc….I think depends on many things, there’s no real answer but I wouldn’t introduce someone to my kids (as a new partner) for 6 months or longer, they are older so are not that bothered what I do in my own time so it’s slightly easier.

gogohm · 11/12/2021 19:40

Varies but I would suggest firstly you need to see how dc and new dp interact on neutral territory, then on short visits to your home, then overnight, a family holiday is then a good idea to see the dynamics for an extended period including the stress of travel.... all goes well then start talks on how it would work if they moved in. How long each stage is will be depend on your family but don't rush.

Me well mine were adult so I just went for itGrin and moved in with him and they stayed at the family home, I was fortunate to be able to afford this option

whereisthekey · 11/12/2021 19:42

I wouldn't introduce until 1 year , when the honeymoon period is coming to an end and you're still sure of being with them.
moving in 2-3 yrs

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 19:45

If you're prone to reading a lot into the word about someone's place in the family, yes. Otherwise, it's a pretty accurate way of describing someone who travels to come over every other weekend.

I disagree. But we’ll leave it there.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 11/12/2021 19:45

A year? What if they don't like each other?

gogohm · 11/12/2021 19:46

@whereisthekey

Sometimes you know though, there's nothing magical about waiting a year. You can introduce a friend and see if there's good interactions before the kids need to know what their relationship is

whereisthekey · 11/12/2021 19:49

@gogohm no you really don't know. you still just hope for the best.
anyone can fake being nice for a fun 6 months. it takes time to see them in many different situations and see how they handle them or what makes the mask slip. realistically more like 2-3 than 1!
it's one thing rushing it when your single and its only you to deal with the fallout. quite another when it's someone in and out of children's lives.

SundaysinKernow · 11/12/2021 20:01

We were already friends so definitely easier as I had previously met the children. Waited a few months to tell them (I’d pop round as a friend for a coffee prior to this and gradually got to know them), 8 mths before I stayed over (waited until the kids asked for me to stay), 18mths till they moved in.
We knew each other well and I wouldn’t have been introduced as a partner nor would we have moved in together if we weren’t as certain as possible that we will be remaining together. Not fair on the kids to go through another break up.
As others have said it depends on lots of factors...
How long have you been split up from their other parent?
How amicable was the breakup and how is the co-parenting?
What are the kids views on you dating?
How well do you know your new partner? Is it likely to last?

Essentially you need to be sensitive to how the kids are feeling, take each step one by one, ensure they feel involved in the process, make sure you still have plenty of 1 on 1 time with the kids.
Make sure your partner feels part of the plan too and appreciate how hard it can be on them. Not easy feeling like a potentially unwanted 3rd wheel!!

Tiredtiredtired100 · 11/12/2021 20:08

I think they can meet as soon as you want. Technically my DS met my partner the first time we met up (really tried to avoid it and had lots of phone/Skype dates but COVID as a lone parent meant it was nigh on impossible to get childcare). But my DS was a young toddler who frequently met people for walks outdoors and was asleep in his pushchair for most of our socially distanced walk, so it wasn’t a huge deal for him.

Older kids are more savvy, but can still be introduced early on without it being an issue.

Moving in, however, in my opinion is definitely not something to rush. There are many reasons why not but from a safeguarding point of view I think it’s insane to move someone you barely know into your home when you have young children.

My partners ex did this after only a few months and for me personally it’s a massive red flag for any relationship to move in too quickly. I know there are exceptions but in terms of abuse statistics, it’s definitely riskier as you could be being love-bombed. With children involved I personally think it’s selfish beyond belief to risk their safety for your love life.

MollysDolly · 11/12/2021 20:13

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

I would be questioning why having them move in is on the cards at all. It’s not necessary. Children grow and move out- partners can move in then.
Grin

I'll be alone and not build a loving family unit, with another man, because I have children. So, when they turn 18, which is 16yrs from now, that's pretty much 50% of the remaining one life I have. Because it's not daddy. So they shouldn't be here. I'll be sure to teach them if you have children, you are forever alone, until the children leave and only then can you have something as sordid as a husband.

You're hilarious.

Original poster
Nedclarity · 11/12/2021 21:23

Necessary? Maybe not, but wouldn’t it also be beneficial for the children to grow up knowing what a loving relationship between partners looks like?

OP posts:
Tattler2 · 11/12/2021 21:24

For me, my love life and my family life were 2 totally different things. When I started dating my husband, I was not looking for a husband only a companion , friend , and possible lover. My children had a perfectly acceptable father and were in no need of a male role model or additional parent figure of any sort.

We dated for a year without meeting each other's children. We only introduced the kids after seriously considering marriage. We took quite a bit of time ensuring that the kids got to know each other and had positive interactions with each other and were supportive of the idea of our getting married.

We never lived together prior to marriage because we had ample time together when both sets of kids were with the other parent. We both had early teen daughters and living together without the benefit of marriage was not what we wanted to model for them ( not suggesting that their is anything wrong with living together but in our case it was not necessary and not something that we wanted or felt a need to do.)

Situations and relationships are different and your particular circumstances should guide and inform your actions. I do think that in many instances some people rush to impose their romantic needs on to their parental responsibilities often to the detriment of both relationships. It is quite possible to have an active and loving relationship while living apart.

Tattler2 · 11/12/2021 21:28

@Nedclarity
Perhaps, it is beneficial for children to grow up knowing that loving relationships can have many forms. If children grow up knowing that love can happen and be expresed in many different kinds of living arrangements, they might be far less likely to think that they have to rush into an arrangement that is not likely to work for them.

christmaskittenincoming · 11/12/2021 21:32

Nicely put @Tattler2

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 22:35

I'll be alone and not build a loving family unit, with another man, because I have children.

Sorry, you need a man to be a loving family unit? You don’t have a loving family unit already with your children?

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 22:37

[quote Tattler2]@Nedclarity
Perhaps, it is beneficial for children to grow up knowing that loving relationships can have many forms. If children grow up knowing that love can happen and be expresed in many different kinds of living arrangements, they might be far less likely to think that they have to rush into an arrangement that is not likely to work for them.[/quote]
Totally agree.
It’s seems so narrow minded/tunnel vision to say the only way you can have a relationship is to have a partner live with you, the only way to demonstrate a healthy relationship is to have a partner living with you, the only way to have a family is to have a partner living with you.

candlelightsatdawn · 11/12/2021 22:54

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry oh here we go. On the other side of the fence .

Why do you think that the only way you can be a good mother or parent if you don't date until the children leave home ? Where is the handbook that says this is the best and only way ? Do you ask the children in their name you do this for ?

Christ when my Dad passed away I used to beg my mum to date someone and go enjoy her life (which thankfully she did and he's lovely) why would I want her to sacrifice half her life for me. I couldn't be so selfish tbh or bare the guilt if she was alone because of me. When dating sites were "new" me and my half sister signed her up because neither of us wanted that for her and my half sister tolerated my mum 😂

NowEvenBetter · 11/12/2021 22:58

The only important thing to consider is what benefit would there be to the kids to have a parents new lover moved in to their home?
Would you be a girlfriend moving in to the house of a part time father who’s expecting you to raise his kids for him?
Or a woman moving her boyfriend in to her kids home? (But why?) you could enjoy dating the new bloke without making your kids get involved, saves a load of angst, resentment, unsettlement, disruption all for the sake of having a man.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 22:59

Why do you think that the only way you can be a good mother or parent if you don't date until the children leave home ?

You won’t find any of my posts saying that.

candlelightsatdawn · 11/12/2021 23:04

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

Why do you think that the only way you can be a good mother or parent if you don't date until the children leave home ?

You won’t find any of my posts saying that.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry I would be questioning why having them move in is on the cards at all. It’s not necessary. Children grow and move out- partners can move in then.

?