Page 3 | Reasonable timeline new partner

Nedclarity · 2021-12-10T23:18:45+00:00

After divorce and with children aged between 7-11, what is a reasonable timeline to: 1. Introduce new partner to children 2. Have new partner move in

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 23:10

Yep. That’s what I posted. Have you read it? And then read what you said I posted?

NowEvenBetter · 11/12/2021 23:17

😁people tripping over themselves to make sure their sex life is no.1 priority

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 11/12/2021 23:17

This is what I mean about the tunnel vision. So many people are incapable of understanding that relationships are not simply a path to getting someone’s slippers under the bed. Dating does not equal moving in.

JacquelineCarlyle · 11/12/2021 23:24

@Wizzbangfizz

Personally my view would be go meet when it feels right - moving in never, I wouldn't want my children to live with anyone not directly related to them but that is my personal view.

I feel this too.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 11/12/2021 23:49

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

This is what I mean about the tunnel vision. So many people are incapable of understanding that relationships are not simply a path to getting someone’s slippers under the bed. Dating does not equal moving in.

Dating isn't a relationship though is it?

KylieKoKo · 11/12/2021 23:51

@NowEvenBetter

😁people tripping over themselves to make sure their sex life is no.1 priority

Relationships are more than sex you know. Or at least mine are anyway ...

Tattler2 · 11/12/2021 23:57

@candlelightsatdawn
When I dated but did not involve my children, I did not feel as though I my life was being sacrificed for them. I don't think that anyone is suggesting that a single parent should not date. Being circumspect about the conditions under which you are willing to involve your children into your love life is not nearly the same thing as suggesting that a parent cannot have a romantic/love life.

Many people have substantive and committed relationships while living apart. Many people decide to defer having a romantic relationship while their children are young . There are so many ways to successfully and happily manage a.life without any notion of deprivation or sacrifice- just stages and choices that work before the life style and life situation that the individual wants to embrace.

Rarely do you hear those people who have chosen to love while living apart making the litany of complaints that are made regularly on this board.

allthesharks · 12/12/2021 00:10

I haven't read all the replies yet. My DC are with me all but every other weekend. When I met my DP we waited for 6 months to introduce him. After 18 months we moved in together. Both DC still go to their Dad every other weekend, but they view DP as the "other parent" and have no problem approaching him if they wake up in the night or feel unwell. DD2 was very unwell this week and I had to take her to A&E. DD1 had no issue with being at home with her step dad with me not there (if anything she was concerned about her sister).

My DP and I also have a son together (15 months). Both DD dote on him and view him as a full sibling.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 12/12/2021 00:12

Dating isn't a relationship though is it?

That’s up to the couple in question really isn’t it?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2021 00:14

@whereisthekey

I wouldn't introduce until 1 year , when the honeymoon period is coming to an end and you're still sure of being with them. moving in 2-3 yrs

This is sensible I think.

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/12/2021 00:27

After my experiences, never. Just wait till they've grown up.

twinkletoesbluesky · 12/12/2021 00:44

Personally for me if I split up with OH, I wouldn't introduce anyone to DC nor would I move in a new partner. That's my personal view but everyone is different and you should do what feels right to you. Another partner is not going to be a dad to your kids and you could always date/see other people outside of the home. I would personally draw a clear distinction between my children and any new relationship. You may think that sounds old fashioned but I would be extremely hesitant with bringing another man who is not related to my children into my home life.

NowEvenBetter · 12/12/2021 00:57

@Kyliekoko great! Separate to any kids, no need to force them in to living with current lover. Win/win :)

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/12/2021 08:56

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

Dating isn't a relationship though is it?

That’s up to the couple in question really isn’t it?

Well no not really, dating is dating not a relationship. It's not a commitment of any kind is it? Sounds more like you think the occasional dinner and some casual sex is enough. It's not for many people.

MollysDolly · 12/12/2021 09:56

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

I'll be alone and not build a loving family unit, with another man, because I have children.

Sorry, you need a man to be a loving family unit? You don’t have a loving family unit already with your children?

That's right. We're not a family unless a man is here. Nothing else counts. So if I have one with a man, it must mean we didn't have one without.

I wonder what happened for you to be in this mindset. I'm presuming you are a first wife/partner and your ex has moved on and that's so unpalatable to you, you are angered at anyone else that does the same. Maybe not. It's how it comes across.

It doesn't make you a better mother than anyone else because you are claiming it's better for the children.

My cousin is like this. Her ex is with his wife and child. She's on her own with their DC. She acts like she's on her own because she's a martyr and it's what's right for DC, clearly she's such a brilliant parent. She only says it to try and justify that her ex isn't because he left her has moved on.

CherylPorter350 · 12/12/2021 10:02

I worked with DH for years before we got together. We'd met each others kids during that period...soft play etc. After I left my ex DH we continued to spend time together and our relationship developed from there. So really we had no real...introduction. Once we started seeing each other we left it a bit and then told kids. Moved in together a year later

aSofaNearYou · 12/12/2021 10:11

@NowEvenBetter

The only important thing to consider is what benefit would there be to the kids to have a parents new lover moved in to their home? Would you be a girlfriend moving in to the house of a part time father who’s expecting you to raise his kids for him? Or a woman moving her boyfriend in to her kids home? (But why?) you could enjoy dating the new bloke without making your kids get involved, saves a load of angst, resentment, unsettlement, disruption all for the sake of having a man.

This is a very tunnel visioned way of viewing it.

I was neither of those, I was a girlfriend moving in with my partner who did not have unreasonable expectations of what I would be doing, who happened to have a child that came EOW but with whom I wanted to build a life, and who wanted to build a life with me. I wouldn't have enjoyed just dating him for 15+ years and he wouldn't either, we both wanted a shared life, a marriage, children. We also lived in the real world and living together was the right path for us financially.

My DPs life would be very empty if he based these core life decisions purely on ensuring DSS did not have to share the house with me on the comparatively occasional time he's in the house, that is not the only important thing to consider, as you put it. When you only have EOW contact, it just isn't that much of your life.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 12/12/2021 10:45

Well no not really, dating is dating not a relationship. It's not a commitment of any kind is it? Sounds more like you think the occasional dinner and some casual sex is enough. It's not for many people

We’ll have to agree to disagree.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 12/12/2021 10:47

That's right. We're not a family unless a man is here. Nothing else counts. So if I have one with a man, it must mean we didn't have one without.

I wonder what happened for you to be in this mindset. I'm presuming you are a first wife/partner and your ex has moved on and that's so unpalatable to you, you are angered at anyone else that does the same. Maybe not. It's how it comes across.

It doesn't make you a better mother than anyone else because you are claiming it's better for the children.

My cousin is like this. Her ex is with his wife and child. She's on her own with their DC. She acts like she's on her own because she's a martyr and it's what's right for DC, clearly she's such a brilliant parent. She only says it to try and justify that her ex isn't because he left her has moved on.

Wow!!

NowEvenBetter · 12/12/2021 11:02

@aSofaNearYou yeah, you’re missing the entire point of the post you quoted. Your post is solely about you and your boyfriends wants.

aSofaNearYou · 12/12/2021 12:07

[quote NowEvenBetter]@aSofaNearYou yeah, you’re missing the entire point of the post you quoted. Your post is solely about you and your boyfriends wants.[/quote]
No I'm not. You're missing the point that I don't think whether it's beneficial for the kids is the only thing worth considering.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/12/2021 12:25

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

Well no not really, dating is dating not a relationship. It's not a commitment of any kind is it? Sounds more like you think the occasional dinner and some casual sex is enough. It's not for many people

We’ll have to agree to disagree.

You say that a lot. You make a lot of bold statements and then can't back them up.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 12/12/2021 12:29

You say that a lot. You make a lot of bold statements and then can't back them up.

What bold statement did I make? As for “can’t back them up”- my opinion? How do you back that up? It’s what I think. We disagree- is that not ok? Why do you have trouble accepting that someone disagrees with you? Are you really saying we should carrying on going in circles despite both of us knowing we won’t agree? Or do you think I owe it to you to allow you to change my mind? I mean really, what outcome do you want here?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/12/2021 12:31

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

You say that a lot. You make a lot of bold statements and then can't back them up.

What bold statement did I make? As for “can’t back them up”- my opinion? How do you back that up? It’s what I think. We disagree- is that not ok? Why do you have trouble accepting that someone disagrees with you? Are you really saying we should carrying on going in circles despite both of us knowing we won’t agree? Or do you think I owe it to you to allow you to change my mind? I mean really, what outcome do you want here?

No I don't think you should change your mind but you won't even explain why you think dating is the same as a relationship. You come on this board, berate everyone who's moved on and suggest dating. Then flounce.

Theunamedcat · 12/12/2021 12:32

My ex has been with girlfriend for over 12 months due to his shite show of an ex we planned carefully how to introduce our children to her this has now fallen through so he will probably just throw them together at some point like he usually does and I will have to deal with the panic attacks anxiety and behaviour issues like always

However you do it just put the children first I have sen children so a family setting with their nan aunt and uncle around is better and less stress inducing than one to one go slow don't rush and ffs don't start with the family nonsense straight away they have two parents they DONT need a third